NT (me)/AS (him) relationship - general advice?

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Background: the boyfriend and I have been together for 9ish months, and talking for nearly a year. I've strongly suspected since our first correspondence (we met online) that he was high on the spectrum, but not until a few days ago did I actually sit down with the diagnostic criteria and realize that yes, really, he is actually an aspie. He concurred when I shared the DSM criteria.

I'm interested in any (non-obvious) relationship advice/experience from aspies or NTs partnered to aspies, but am particularly interested in the following areas:

- Fighting; how frequently do fights happen, and how intense are they? Has it gotten better or worse with time? Who "initiates"? What's the best way to help your partner understand why something made you upset? Is it possible to get around the central coherence problem ("seeing trees but not forest") in arguments?
- Distance; my partner and I have been (very) long-distance for most of our relationship. Any advice on ways to ease the distance that don't cause too much strain on the AS partner? Or acclimating to a proximity shift (either going from local to long distance or long distance to local)?
- Switching out of problem solving mode; how much success have people had in developing sympathetic responses and repressing utilitarian ones?

These kinds of issues are very individual in many ways, I think. Fighting for example. It's not like there is really an answer to your question for you and your boyfriend that is a standard answer. But, Aspies are very concerned about precision and accuracy in statements. Keep that in mind and it might reduce fights.

As to how to best to help the Aspie understand what made you upset: Keep to facts more than feelings.

As to the question, "Is it possible to get around the central coherence problem ("seeing trees but not forest") in arguments?" The short answer, for me, is, "No." Forests are made up of trees, shrubs, forbs, grass and wildlife. One cannot rationally examine a forest without looking at the "trees, etc", or, metaphorically, any other topic. Expect intense examination of details as a basic fact of Aspie life.

But tell him about the forests, when he is relaxed and in a mood to listen. Eventually, he may come to understand that they exist, even if he does not see them.

^ agree with this.

Also, understand that if something he says upsets you. It's unlikely he intended to hurt you.

You can try to get him to understand afterwards why it was upsetting, but not in the heat of the moment, as that will come across to him as you not understanding the point he was trying to make, and things will only escalate.

Explain later, after things have calmed down, and not in an accusatory way. After all, your getting upset is your own reaction, and not something he can personally control.

Much depends on the individual person.

For example; clear communication can do a lot to refuse and even prevent problems. You often see on TV NT men struggling to understand women's unspoken dialogue, it's 100x worse for an aspie. The more clear and direct you are, the better the outcome usually.

Thanks for the responses from everyone. I agree that my situation is highly dependent on individual variables. My intent was less "hey internet, please fix my problem" and more "hey internet, share your experiences with this type of dynamic." I realize now that looking for that on an aspie forum without making it explicit was a bad idea XD

What I've encountered in other places, with few exceptions, tends to fall into two categories: either broad, non-specific writings by clinical psychologists (bleah), or complaints from NT womenabout how they just wish their boyfriends/husbands were normal and warnings to get out while you can. Neither of these really speak to my experience or are very helpful, and it seemed rather unfair to draw my conclusions about AS/NT relationship prognosis from that skewed a sample. I'm also curious about perceptions "from the other side", and aspies' thoughts on what their partners do that's helpful or problematic.

Actually you were pretty specific / explicit in you post and we came back with more general responses.. it just goes to show, no stereotype is infallible!

I'll have a go, based on my own experience based various relationships and close female friends.

Full blown, emotional and trusted pin both sides rows, very rarely. They have become less frequent over the years as I've got better at understanding the rules, and why saying things a certain way, or focusing on certain aspects of situation rather than others, are contributing to a communication breakdown.

I don;t think either initiates, but if it's fight that grows out of a conversation, then it's often either a more extreme version of the classic"woman just wants man to listen and understand, man tries to come up with practical solutions" script, or she's asked me a question and I've responded with an answer that whilst accurate and factually correct, is something that if an NT were to say it, it would be understood to have a hidden meaning intended to be hurtful.

so for example.

Her: What do you think about A?
Me : I think it's like X but with Y
Her : (looking a bit hurt for some reason) So your saying B?
Me : ( confused,) No, I didn't say that - I said it's like X but with Y... you know, like Z.
Her : (looking more upset and raising voice). What?! You think C is like D!?
Me : ( starting to get stressed now, and losing ability to think straight, but try once again to clarify by adding more context and an analogy ) No No No... that's not what I'm saying at all.. C is nothing like D, I'm saying that if you look at X like it was a kind of Z, and then Y, that would be a lot like A.. I thought that was what you were asking me in the first place.

etc..etc..

These days I've learned to recognise when it's starting to go awry, and can generally rephrase things or figure out which different perspective she's looking at the situation and shift mine accordingly, but that's come over many years of "study".. either with partners or just being in mostly female company and listening to them. Figuring our people is also one if my "special interests" so I've thought about it quite a lot over the years.



I don't really go along with the trees/forest analogy. It just seems to simplistic and one dimensional, and doesn't represent my experience.

But to help him see why your upset, you both have to be calm. You certainly can't argue it into him especially in the heat of an fight. In fact I'm not sure it's even possible to out-argue an Aspie. That would break the laws of physics or something

Studying the communication differences you have together, as an intellectual topic, over a glass of wine when you're both feeling relax is the best way. Or you could depersonalise it by "people watching" when you're out. Draw his attention to an interaction you've spotted, and play games guess what the people will do.



I think as long as he's got a man-cave of some sort, where he can recharge, he should be OK. Best if you have friends etc nearby so you can plan time out with them. Aspies are generally more than happy to give you all the space you need for you friends and family too. We tend not to get bored easily so we can happily occupy ourselves as long we know you're coming back



I'd try not to think of communication in terms of sympathetic vs. utilitarian responses.. they're often the same thing, but to answer you question...Yes.. it's easy really.. I arrived at the solution by accident

let's say something upsetting happened to her at work.

Confronted with a problem then as a man, and an aspie, my first instinct is to try to solve it, but I've learned to stop and think about the question / issue before launching in the wrong direction. I'll try to clarify first.. ask questions to fill out the detail.. " When did this happen? What happened then? Was anybody with you?" etc.

Really I'm just trying to get a more accurate picture, and that's probably still driven by an underlying desire to solve the problem, but I've noticed, at least in my experience, that tends to be exactly the kinds of listening and trying to understand that she was hoping for. And I can listen for ages, all the time building up a more accurate picture of the problem as I think she sees it, and probably coming up with other ideas and insights as to possible solutions.

Eventually, and it might be an hour later, just when I have a clear enough picture and gained some new insight I'm about so share.. she'll perk up, smile, say thank for listening, and offer to make me a cup of tea. All I did was ask questions..

If I did come up with a solution, I might mention it the later that evening or the next day if the topic comes up at breakfast, by which time she either doesn't need it, or she'll take it on board and mix it with her own solution.

Hi!
i can only speak from my own experience as an NT woman married to an Aspie. We have been together now for almost 10 years, married for 2, with 2 kids.

Fighting isn't a major problem in our relationship. Usually the temper flares up and after a short while one of us apologizes ( I have to admit, it's usually him). My husband gets really upset when he upsets me with a comment he hasn't thought through, so he tries to make up for it by being extra-nice.
Reasons for fighting would, for example, be me getting fed up with him telling me how to do things a certain way. He can't handle me doing things differently to how he would do them. Although I suppose it's the same the other way round. I sometimes get really exasperated with his complicated ways of doing stuff.
To help your partner understand i suppose talking should do the trick, explaining how his actions make you feel? I have a bit of a problem with this myself, because I find it hard to voice my feelings.

Distance - we had a long-distance-relationship for about a year before he actually moved to another country to live with me. Knowing what i know now about him, I have a lot of respect for him taking this step. It must have been rather difficult, especially because he didn't speak a word of German before coming to Austria. But the moving in together wasn't that much of a big deal for us, even though we only had a tiny flat. My husband is very high-functioning though, I have to say. Sometimes he needs some time alone, or to immerse himself in something that interests him, and I try to let him. I think as long as an Aspie has enough time to be alone and follow his interests, it won't be that much of a problem to live together.

I don't really understand your last question (not my main language, after all). All I can say, is that it can be challenging for both partners. If there is a problem, try to talk about it and work out how both of you feel about a situation. The little things, like getting annoyed with your partners antics, is something you get used to. You'll find a way of dealing with it. No idea if this helps, but I wish you all the best.