AS men struggling to show romantic emotion

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My aspie bf (and my ex-bf) struggles so much to show romantic emotion. I once told him "I love you" on the phone and he said "wait. I need to answer an e-mail." He hung up and then called back to let me tell him how I feel. During another time after sex I said "I love you" and he was huffing and puffing, obviously overwhelmed about my declaration of emotion.....but he could not say anything back and was obviously struggling. He did tell me once that he is terrible at expressing emotion. The only time he can somewhat open up is when he's had a few drinks.

Do other aspie males relate to this? Does emotional expression terrify you? Why?

There's a lot to be afraid of. How will they respond? What's appropriate to say in this situation? What's saying too little? What's saying too much? What if it comes off as creepy? What if it's misconstrued? What if she doesn't feel as much as I do? What if she feels more? Is it the right time to say such things? What if what I say upsets her? What if she expects me to say something, and what I said isn't that?

I realize that's a lot, but that's typically how a lot of us would handle that situation. But just the way he's responding says a lot, he wants to but doesn't know how. It still means he cares, even if he doesn't say it. Actions really do speak louder than words if that makes any sense here, I could tell anyone I love them and be completely full of s**t, my actions can't.

I have a lot of trouble with expressing emotion. It's not that I don't want to - I consider myself to be a very emotional person, and I would love to share it with someone. When it comes to actually verbalizing my emotions though, I often clam up and can't find the words to say or the courage to say them, so I end up saying nothing.

One reason it is difficult is as 886 said...you don't know how the other person will respond and that can be a very scary thing. Secondly, when you confess your emotions, it puts you in an extremely vulnerable state. I have placed myself in that position a few times only to the other person violate my trust and confidence, so it is a very big step for me to reach that level of comfort with someone. Third, like it or not, men are somewhat criticized in society for displaying emotion. Emotional men are often stereotyped as weak and effeminate, unless of course that emotion is anger, rage, and destruction!

I have issues with expressing emotion, but I'm getting better I think.

Used to really struggle saying 'I love you' to my significant other, especially if they were expecting me to say it.

Allow me to be first one to point out that your "I love you" statement right after sex was somewhat ill-timed.

Here's why. Men in general have a more "recreational" view of sex, so to speak; they see it as a pleasurable activity shared with a woman they feel comfortable with. It may or may not be accompanied by love. Women, from what I heard, see sex as a way of bonding emotionally. It's usually accompanied by love or at least a strong attraction to his looks or status.

Here's how. Men don't equate sex and love as closely as women. Your boyfriend was enjoying the feeling of having just had sex, probably after a long dry spell. Regardless of how he really felt, "love" (notice the quotes) wasn't a priority at that moment. So when you dropped an "I love you", this completely changed the whole scenario. A huge pleasure became a huge responsibility. It's like a helicopter flew over and lowered a 100-lb rock onto his shoulders. He was made responsible for not only reacting "correctly" at that moment, but also for addressing your feelings in the future, especially if this was the first time you said it. Perhaps it would be better to say "this was good" in a purring tone while engaging in the usual post-sex cuddle.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 18 May 2014, 11:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

I get complained at that I do not show enough emotion, then when I try I get complained at that I seem to clingy or needy. can't win.

I can say it if I mean it, but a lot of times, I feel like they don't really believe me.

I have a lot of trouble saying it to people who are not my SO though, like family members, SO's family, etc.

Semi-related story, one girl dropped the L-bomb on me a little sooner than I was expecting, and I kind of hesitated and said "I think I love you too." ...apparently that did not go over so well =|

I disagree

most men Ive known at that moment are at their most 'loved up' and usually the ones being overly expressive of love.

having said that everyones different.

OP you should talk to your bf about how his reluctance to express his feelings verbally makes you feel rejected and perhaps look for other ways he may be showing his regard such as whether he does nice things for you or is affectionate.

I don't struggle with showing my emotions, so much as trying to do so in a way that doesn't anger those closest to me. I read that a very common symptom of AS is a perceived lack of empathy, fueled in part by the sufferer's difficulty to understand non-verbal cues. In my case, that's "business as usual" for 90% of my life. Situations where I've felt completely safe and secure while communicating my emotions to anyone have been extremely rare.

Its also important to note that men generally don't share their feelings the same way as women. Most in the last few generations were raised to believe that emotional vulnerability equaled weakness as a man, and society places very strong pressures on us to be strong all the time. When we fail, we take it very hard, and having AS only complicates the problem more.

I've been trained to say "I love you" only on special occasions, and also been trained to go as long as possible before I have to say it to my girlfriend. My experience would indicate that the second I say those words to a girlfriend, the end of the relationship could be near. Women can act really strange once they hear the words come from our mouths and it's like they decide to leave if it came too easily for them. And I have also been trained to be a bit more of a challenge when it comes to saying those words to.

I don't I can be very expressive, Though I don't plan to be in any future relationship, though the likely herd is very low so meh. I had/have no problem saying it and I always mean it. It would seem though I'm not a typical male, as sex is a very emotional love connection thing to me. I've only done it once and it wasn't with a gf, It lead to confused feelings with the we're not a couple but now feelings. I hope its an individual thing and not a AS thing or I guess I'm the odd guy in the odd people group.

You're not as alone as you think. My only previous sexual experience was with my ex-girlfriend many years ago, and I still love her to this day. It was never about the physical side alone for me either; in fact, focusing more on that instead of the emotional side was often difficult for me.

No, I am basically the opposite. It is very easy for me to feel and express most emotions, especially romantic ones.

But that doesn't mean it is always there waiting, ready to come out. If I am occupied with something (and my brain is rarely still) that is not focused on the romantic, I will need some time to get to that place. But I know it and can get there easily enough.