Why it is important to keep your dark secrets hidden.

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I think this is a no brainer, but is it really? How many of you guys have revealed certain secrets that resulted in you being dumped afterwards? What kind of secret was it and should it have stayed buried? Keep in mind that being dumped didnt have to be immediately after the secret was revealed, but you believe or know for sure resulted in the relationship or friendship ending.

I am going to keep certain details private so forgive me if I am not as specific as you would like me to be. I ended up being confronted on an issue yesterday by the gf, and it turns out it was an issue that I posted about here. No she didn't read it and the girl never told her, the words slipped from my mouth about what was said when me and that friend discussed in that link had our falling out. Lets say she now knows that I have at one point mentioned the thought of suicide to someone within the last 12 months. I don't know if this is going to affect our relationship, but she asked me if I think it will and I have since answered and deflected the question back to her. I didn't get the most reassuring answer, and she didn't like how reassuring I was at first either. My guess is it could already have affected things moving forward and I won't know until we see eachother next.

Part of the problem was because I panicked a little before having this conversation when I saw this friend was invited to a place my gf was invited to. My gf had also invited me as well. The event happens in a couple days.

Last edited by aspiemike on 23 Jul 2014, 5:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I tell no one anymore, no one, about WP or my AS suspicion, and it's better like that.

This is the dark secret that I'll take with me to my grave.

Suicide is a touchy subject in relationships.

Either you think it selfish because of the effect it has on other people or you think it selfish of others to expect someone to carry on after they had enough. And rarely the twain meets.

Life is a no-brainer anyway. The longer you stick around the more apparant it becomes.

be who you are and say what you feel, because the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter.

I've shared a dark secret on WP 7 years ago and I've regretted it ever since. If I didn't share that secret, things would have been very different. Nobody would have turned on me or said nasty things about me behind my back in the chat room.

I blame myself when other people are nasty, too. After all, they blame me and are happy to tell me how I've done everything wrong, said too much, the wrong thing, said too little. Only sometimes I wonder, can how is it always my fault? Is it never someone else's? People certainly want me to say it is, take responsibility for making everyone else happy. Being trained over the years one is always wrong is hard to push back against.

I used to get into trouble with my ex-boyfriend by reveling some dark secrets of myself to him. For example he felt really insecure when I admitted I like girls (for him it was apparently as if I was saying I am going to dump him when I see a hot girl ) or when I told him our relationship is an experiment for me (he got is it as if I was saying he was a "toy" for me ). We almost broke every time I spilled something like that but in the end I was always able to explain myself.

But I don't really care anymore. The boy was not "the one" for me. I was telling him stuffs like that because I trusted him and wanted to let him know how valuable he is for me ("better than a girl","someone with who I am doing stuffs I never tried before") and he was misunderstanding it and making me feel guilty. In the end I was the one who dumped him. I was sick of explaining myself for saying stuffs I considered compliments.

Anyway. I believe there is no place for secrets in a relationship. I consider myself an OK person and if someone thinks I am bad because of my core traits (that includes so called "dark secrets") then we are just incompatible.

Interesting thread.

I think in some ways it's been the opposite for me. I think in the past I haven't given myself a proper chance at a relationship because I was too open about positive emotions vs. disclosing negative thoughts and it became annoying for my crush to hear how much I <3 him. However, I also complained a lot about my situation for a while, too - and I should have kept that negativity to myself.

Ironically, just this past week or so I disclosed some stuff to him. I've thanked him many times for the positive impact he's had on me and my life, but never really told him one of the bigger reasons why.. until recently when I told him that as much as I complained about my situation a year or so ago, (to which he interjected with a "uh, yeah." because we both know I complained a LOT.) I at least had the presence of mind not to tell him I was having regular passively suicidal thoughts. It turned out they were being caused by the salicylate acid sensitivity that I than treated and dealt with. I didn't get into details, and while it sounds negative, I mentioned it on a positive note of why I'm grateful for him and everything I've learned and done because of him. Had I been transparent about it all back while it was happening I think I would have done a lot of damage to our friendship as I'd imagine he'd have wanted to distance himself from me and my dark cloud at the time - and I can't say I'd blame him.

I have a secret I only admit once in a while, and then I delete it again. None of my family knows about it, it's something I'm ashamed of.

Just to think about it confuses the heck out of me. I've told less than a handful of friends about it. Apparently someone I knew has the same thing, which made me curious. I suppose he hangs around those kinds of people quite a lot. I would talk to him about it if he hadn't been so horrible to me before. It's weird. He really understood me and really listened, and he just knew my weak spots and hit right into them. He wasn't a crush, just a friend of a friend. I'd apparently been very rude to him before and he pointed it out afterwards, and yes, I had been very rude without realising it. Still, I can't forgive him for what he said to me. I still question it. Ranting now.

But yeh, this secret thing made me scared of that part of me for years. It's an identity thing. To think about it just upsets me.

Sounds nice in theory but in practice it can be a good way to damage friendships and relationships, sometimes irreparably. Even couples married for many years have small or large secrets from their past or regarding their deepest darkest thoughts or feelings that they keep to themselves. Things their partner don't need to know that would only cause problems if revealed. Once said, things can't be "unsaid".

IMHO it is not much of a "friendship" at all, IOW in name only, pro forma, if one has to hide stuff. friends are supposed to be a refuge, a safe harbor or calm port in a storm. having to keep secrets is akin to there being no safe place at all.

It isn't so much a question that the friendship or relationship isn't good, it is sometimes a case that it is better to keep one's mouth shut about things. Oh by the way my best buddy, best friend I thought you should know that your mom was screwing around shortly after she married your father... and actually... your father isn't really your father. He doesn't know either - I'll tell him too. Sometimes, things are best left in the past.

oh. social stuff is complicated.

It can be. In my above example, the secret isn't really "mine" to reveal and if your parents are in a loving relationship and they both dote on you then spilling the beans would likely be a disaster for all concerned. It is a purely hypothetical situation, but I'm sure you get the drift.

thank you for putting it succinctly so that my sometimes dense noodle can dig it I often need things explained to me just like that.

I see where you're coming from Tally Man but I cant help feeling that keeping these secrets can eat away at you and cause alot of anxiety.

Imagine you're dating an ultra puritanical and you were once a prostitute. You know that revealing that would jeopardise the relationship so you say nothing. Surely there's going to be pyschological fallout from that? Prolonged over the long term itspossible that it could equal or surpass the fallout from a breakup due to the secret being revealed.

I suppose you could argue that things in the past no longer represent the person you are currently. Forward thinking might demand that you leave such things behind.