Do the majority of guys with A.S. never get a girlfriend?

Page 8 of 19 [ 282 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 ... 19  Next

sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 14,952
Location: US

09 Sep 2014, 7:49 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
If a husband loses temper at the slightest things that's not "Meltdown", that's simply called a profound lack of anger management.



or ADHD which can cause irriation with small things go wrong. I believe this is where that comes from for me. I get upset and most times I control it, but like the other day I messed up 3 hamburgers, which really sucked and costed alot and then a 3 fell apart and my mom took the spatula from me to fix it without giving me a chance to. I was upset about the 3 then to add the others I felt bad for messing upt why didn't i see it would happen with the first one. so I hit the bbq with the spatula :( I rarely do that. perhaps a stress ball would help?

sometimes I just hold/tightly cuddle a stuffy or do breathing exercises . then I have very rare panic attacks i guess one would call them that. my boy tenses up and feels weird. I have to hold still why I wait for it to past. talks about rape/sexual abuse or losing a loved one can bring this on. and I feel like i shouldnt' talk sometimes and a need to go hide. I never considered this melt downs.

I've been told when I was 4-6ish I would curl into a ball and rock unresponsive. this is what I consider a melt down and what some people here have described.



italstallianion
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 16 Aug 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 83

09 Sep 2014, 7:59 pm

Klowglas wrote:
The problem with asking male aspies to remain persistent and confident is that the nature of the amount of rejections we often have to go through to learn 'how it works' is actually detrimental to confidence-building, a human can only take so much failure before their self-esteem evaporates, aspies are not unfeeling robots, each rejections always hurts like hell.

I mean I still remember the faces of each and every rejection I received...
.


This is probably the truest thing I've read (and probably will read) in a while. Talk to 'em!! !!


_________________
The rain came pourin' down, and when I drowned,
was when I could finally breathe,
and by mornin', gone was any trace of you,
now I think I am finally clean. #Dat Angst


italstallianion
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 16 Aug 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 83

09 Sep 2014, 8:03 pm

SignOfLazarus wrote:
Klowglas wrote:
...I mean I still remember the faces of each and every rejection I received... and in fact, it hurts me so much now that I tend to avoid women with those similar characteristics in a true PTSD manner... This is the sort of upwards climb a lot of us have to face, and with each rejection the hill gets steeper and steeper, and then people will blame me for feeling emotions, for being disappointed in all my failures.

Believe me, if I could put my hand in that 'fire' and not feel anything, I would do it, but because I'm human, that means the fire is going to hurt like hell, worse yet is that my conditions means that the fire will burn me much more often than otherwise.

This is probably the sort of pitfall that tons of male aspies fall into, myself included. One that's nearly impossible to climb out of without a sheer amount of luck, or without a tremendous support system of friends and family.


This is also the kind of stuff that can legitimately be dealt with in therapy, with the right therapist. I have to wonder though how many in that situation seek out a therapist they can click with specifically to address these issues.


I've been in therapy twice (as in two different sets of sessions) once last year, and once last semester, and I start another set of sessions to try and get over this exact issue. The other therapists didn't really help, but I didn't really connect with them (and I'd challenge their competencies) so I'm pessimistic to the chances of it working, but my friends made me go since I cut myself over the most recent rejection, so I guess I don't have a choice but to go. I also have a crap load of grad school angst that is independent of women rejecting me, but that's another story.


_________________
The rain came pourin' down, and when I drowned,
was when I could finally breathe,
and by mornin', gone was any trace of you,
now I think I am finally clean. #Dat Angst


314pe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Sep 2014
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,011

10 Sep 2014, 1:12 am

Klowglas wrote:
The problem with asking male aspies to remain persistent and confident is that the nature of the amount of rejections we often have to go through to learn 'how it works' is actually detrimental to confidence-building, a human can only take so much failure before their self-esteem evaporates, aspies are not unfeeling robots, each rejections always hurts like hell.

Maybe its for the better. If you failed n times, you will almost certainly fail the n+1th (or is it n+1st?) time.

Klowglas wrote:
Believe me, if I could put my hand in that 'fire' and not feel anything, I would do it, but because I'm human, that means the fire is going to hurt like hell, worse yet is that my conditions means that the fire will burn me much more often than otherwise.

Why would anyone do that? Fire burns and it will burn. Nothing you can do about that.



andrethemoogle
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,274
Location: Sol System

10 Sep 2014, 1:56 am

I've yet to have one and I'm 24. I've tried in the past to pursue a relationship but to no avail. I was nothing but polite, kind and honest but I guess some people don't want a "pure" person, per-say.



314pe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Sep 2014
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,011

10 Sep 2014, 2:13 am

I'm also 24 and I don't think I will ever be in a relationship. I try to be the best person I can be, but I guess I'm just not good enough. I wouldn't call myself pure and I don't blame anyone for this. People like what they like and if it's not me. Well, then too bad for me.



autismthinker21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2011
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 552
Location: illinois

10 Sep 2014, 1:31 pm

to much racism going on with people and honesty. oh well.


_________________
In order to be free, you must take your chances of letting your tortured self to be forgiven.


SignOfLazarus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2014
Age: 953
Gender: Female
Posts: 540

10 Sep 2014, 1:59 pm

andrethemoogle wrote:
I've yet to have one and I'm 24. I've tried in the past to pursue a relationship but to no avail. I was nothing but polite, kind and honest but I guess some people don't want a "pure" person, per-say.



My boyfriend now I met when he was 24 and a virgin [if that's what you are getting at]. I was 23 and... not a virgin.
Didn't matter. Just saying.


[ETA: Actually he'd never kissed anyone, either]


_________________
I don't know about other people, but when I wake up in the morning and put my shoes on, I think, "Jesus Christ, now what?"
-C. Bukowski


foodeater
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jun 2012
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 82

10 Sep 2014, 4:21 pm

i'm not saying it's wrong, but it seems like a pointlessly negative thing to get hung up on or worry about that can't really help you.

maybe imagine being in a relationship with a person you hated or that hated you. imagine being in a relationship with someone abusing you. imagine being in a relationship with the love of your life and then they die or watching them suffer long term physical or mental degeneration. imagine being in love, getting into an accident causing what society considers a horrible physical deformity or becoming crippled and ending up alone or imagine they are in the accident and now, do you care for them forever, putting aside what you want to do, or do you leave? these are way more common situations than being in a "good" relationship.

crazy cat ladies, kung fu hermits, witches, "confirmed bachelors". being single happens to everyone. in terms of negative connotations and peer pressure from outside society, men have it easier, as far as i can tell. how much it bothers an individual, that's not for me to say. but, you know, given the choice of having an easier time not being in a relationship period or at least with someone i didn't like or having an easier time to get into relationships* , but no choice in liking the other person or whether you consider them a good person, i know which one sounds ridiculously better to me.

anyway, imo, if you want to get better at social skills or anything, i'm pretty sure you can't really ask people if it's possible because it seems like the way to get better is to have confidence in yourself. that's my experience at least, either commit to believing you can get better or at least learn something new and working on it or don't. i have no way of testing the theory, but i'm pretty sure anyone can improve at anything, you just don't get to set the time scale or degree of improvement, so you kinda just have to be into the improving more than where it might take you.

*this isn't my perspective, but that's not the point.



SignOfLazarus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2014
Age: 953
Gender: Female
Posts: 540

10 Sep 2014, 5:11 pm

foodeater wrote:
...in terms of negative connotations and peer pressure from outside society, men have it easier, as far as i can tell. how much it bothers an individual, that's not for me to say...


You likely have a lot of reasons for saying that, and it is probably true from your perspective and from your personal experience.

I can't say I agree. From what I've seen- obviously, my personal observations, not anything statistically sound- in how people generally regard single men in social situations [generally, not in known personal circumstances]:
Single men tend to get "the cold shoulder" if they chat up a conversation with women often-even in simple friendly conversations, devoid of any flirtation- and tend to be alienated from women in general more often if they don't have a mate. They tend to more often be seen as "constantly on the prowl" or are viewed with skepticism, seen as looking for a date or that however they are presenting in any situation is not their true motivation. They may not be seen as honest, reliable, or as having integrity if they go on too many dates, or as having "something to hide" if they prefer to not look too hard for a partner and not be fully engaged in some sort of dating scene.

If they are young, they are seen as irresponsible and immature. If they are past a certain age they are also seen as immature but as possibly disloyal.

And I've seen this just as a one off judgement, right off the bat with very little engagement.

Of course, just as your opinion comes from your experience, my opinion [of what kind of judgement, etc some single men may encounter] comes from mine. I can't say which is more accurate or if either is actually "more" accurate. I'm not sure anyone actually has it worse.


_________________
I don't know about other people, but when I wake up in the morning and put my shoes on, I think, "Jesus Christ, now what?"
-C. Bukowski


billiscool
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Feb 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,179

10 Sep 2014, 5:23 pm

to answer the OP.The majority of ASD'ers(male and female) never date.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 64,815
Location: Queens, NYC

10 Sep 2014, 5:28 pm

I don't agree with the above. There's probably many Spectrumites who don't date--but I don't believe it's the majority.



billiscool
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Feb 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,179

10 Sep 2014, 5:32 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't agree with the above. There's probably many Spectrumites who don't date--but I don't believe it's the majority.


yep.it's the majority.Most ASD people never date.



SignOfLazarus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2014
Age: 953
Gender: Female
Posts: 540

10 Sep 2014, 5:35 pm

billiscool wrote:
to answer the OP.The majority of ASD'ers(male and female) never date.


There must be a large number who never go on the internet ever [who also don't date ever], to counter weight all the ones who are on the internet talking about dating and sex all the time.


_________________
I don't know about other people, but when I wake up in the morning and put my shoes on, I think, "Jesus Christ, now what?"
-C. Bukowski


billiscool
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Feb 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,179

10 Sep 2014, 5:45 pm

SignOfLazarus wrote:

There must be a large number who never go on the internet ever [who also don't date ever], to counter weight all the ones who are on the internet talking about dating and sex all the time.


internet forums are not scientific.They are not random sample size.Forums,like WP
are self selective. Alot people including ASD people,don't go on message board,forums.

any survey on a forum is flawed.