To pay on a date or not? Is it a trap?

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Toy_Soldier
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30 Oct 2014, 11:09 am

SweetTooth wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
I think it was a very nice and gentlemanly thing to do. I personally don't mind going Dutch at all.


I'm Dutch, and always a bit embarrassed by our reputation.


Don't feel bad. At least you don't have to admit your American. Talk about dropping a turd in the punch bowl...



funeralxempire
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30 Oct 2014, 5:46 pm

CynicalWaffle wrote:
Never understood this. Women want equality but then still expect the man to pay for a date, even if she asked the man out on a date first.

Can somebody explain this to me? I just don't get it.


I've never met one of these women before and can't imagine ever wanting a date with someone of this mindset, even if they ask me.



SweetTooth
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31 Oct 2014, 3:30 am

Toy_Soldier wrote:
SweetTooth wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
I think it was a very nice and gentlemanly thing to do. I personally don't mind going Dutch at all.


I'm Dutch, and always a bit embarrassed by our reputation.


Don't feel bad. At least you don't have to admit your American. Talk about dropping a turd in the punch bowl...


Every country has its subpopulation of idiots. My experiences with Americans have been rather pleasant, no complaints at all. I do hate Starbucks, though. Couldn't you have kept that local? :wink:



The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Oct 2014, 3:32 am

Americans never leave anything local, they have invented the internet after all.



AlexanderDantes
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31 Oct 2014, 3:34 am

You are acting too passive and general, it can put the chemistry into static mode. You need to learn to initiate and make a move on girls.

Escalate the chemistry touch or deep eye contact, if she laughs at your jokes and acts receptively, you are making good progress towards kissing her.

In other words, start taking risks and show them you have the cojones.



Last edited by AlexanderDantes on 31 Oct 2014, 3:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

SweetTooth
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31 Oct 2014, 3:36 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Americans never leave anything local, they have invented the internet after all.


They sure did not invent coffee! However, some of my favorite "coffee scenes" are American:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PcoMrwEa5o



The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Oct 2014, 3:40 am

SweetTooth wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Americans never leave anything local, they have invented the internet after all.


They sure did not invent coffee! However, some of my favorite "coffee scenes" are American:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PcoMrwEa5o


Actually, it was Arabs who invented coffee.



SweetTooth
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31 Oct 2014, 3:47 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SweetTooth wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Americans never leave anything local, they have invented the internet after all.


They sure did not invent coffee! However, some of my favorite "coffee scenes" are American:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PcoMrwEa5o


Actually, it was Arabs who invented coffee.


That renders me eternally indebted. Nothing beats a cup of strong black coffee and a pipe of sweet tobacco in the morning. It makes me a genuinly happy Asperger.



AlexanderDantes
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31 Oct 2014, 10:30 am

Next time, grab her and kiss her! Stop waiting for permission when doing anything, women want you to take the initiative!



The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Oct 2014, 10:48 am

Oh boy....

Brian's next thread: I am in jail, what to do?



AngelRho
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31 Oct 2014, 11:02 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
I had another date this evening, and I'm worried I screwed up (again). Things were going well, then she got up to use the restroom, and the check came. I picked up the tab. She came back and saw what I had done, and Idunno I 'm not sure if she liked it or not. Or if I embarassed her, or was implying anything?

I just did it to be nice. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm really grateful for each person who agrees to go out on a date with me, so I feel like it's the least I can do. But is that old fashioned? Is it wrong to do?

But if I DON'T offer to pick up the check, if I suggest we split it, is that implying anything negative? Do I risk offending?

Is there ANY correct answer, or am I damned either way? Maybe I should just ask dates out on things that don't cost any money...to bad there's not much out there these days, and it seems a lot of women don't like to go on walks for first dates. Dunno why, I love them.

Anyways there you have it. Did I blow it (again)?

OK?haven't read the other replies, but I feel the need to jump on this one immediately?

You did the right thing. Don't EVER second-guess this practice. Let me repeat: You did the right thing. And more importantly, you did it for the right reasons.

I've said this in other posts before, and I'll repeat it here: You asked someone out (I'm assuming) and she accepted. You picked up the tab as a kind gesture to her, a token of gratitude to her for taking time out of her evening and spending it with you.

Did I mention that you did the right thing here?

I don't know if it's old-fashioned or not. If it IS old-fashioned, so-freakin-what??? Let me say it again: It was a kind gesture of gratitude for taking time out and spending it with you.

Everyone, in unison: YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

I'm purely speculating, but I think you might have read too much into her reaction. She was just surprised. It was unexpected. She might be used to something being implied or expected after this gesture, and I can't blame women for feeling that way. If she says something about it later, I'd just simply, SIMPLY explain that I had a wonderful time with her, would love to see her again sometime, and this is my way of saying "Thank you." You don't have to sleep with me. You don't have to go out with me again if you don't want to. We're Even-Stephen. But if you ARE interested, I'm free next Friday night! Call me. 8)

Now, IF she's overly suspicious, if she insists on splitting the bill, or if she's insistent on picking up the tab (and she's not being playful about it), doesn't that send the message that she's not really grateful or appreciative for you taking the time to get to know her? If SHE asks YOU out for a date date, that's different. If she thinks it's funny fighting over the bill, go ahead and split it or just let her take it. If she gets some kind of rush by throwing her weight around, being the "strong woman," let her have it. BTW, I'm attracted to "strong women," so this isn't meant as an insult! But if she's throwing a holy fit about who pays for dinner, and I mean she really gets angry about it and she's not just trying to be nice (some women will at least feign embarrassment because they're trying to be nice to you?and there's nothing wrong with that, either), then you probably don't need to ask this person out again.

Incidentally, in my current relationship, we've been together for a LONG time and we operate as a partnership. Even though she's the one who pays the bill, the money is our collective income. We go out with "our" money. If you're just casually dating, you can't do this. If you're very close and have been in a LTR for some time, you can split bills or take turns. But the underlying principle behind who picks up the bill never changes. I mean, we aren't "dating" at this point, but rather our outings have turned into a sort of "family night." But every now and then I'll pick up some cheap flowers to drop by her workplace if I happen to have extra gig money coming in.

So, to summarize, please, PLEASE stop worrying about this. Carry on as always. Keep your motives right where you have them.

You are going to be fine!! !



Toy_Soldier
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31 Oct 2014, 1:25 pm

Ummm, lets see.

The Arabs invented coffee. I should have guessed with all the coffee traditions & there is Arabica.

Yes, Coffee and Tobacco are the perfect vices! Closely followed by Tea and Chocolate.

To the OP

No! Its' not some old Romance movie where the male lead grabs the female against her will and kisses her. Like Boo said it is now considered a illegal action. You can show initiative or spontaneity in other non-threatening ways.

On paying the tab, its fine. If your date wants to do it differently then you can go along with that. Just respect their wishes and be amenable.

Don't give up. There is a saying 'Slow and steady wins the race'. Its not a guarantee, but does contain truth that persistence does work. Persistance in improving yourself and your self respect, and persistance in searching out a partner that values your unique character.



jms100
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31 Oct 2014, 1:49 pm

I actually asked this question over on Bubblews.com, which I can link I think

http://www.bubblews.com/news/9214693

But the consensus was men pay



LKL
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31 Oct 2014, 6:41 pm

Women are not a monolith. Some women (assuming heterosexuality here) want to pick up their own tabs on a date, others appreciate or expect a man to do it. If you want the kind of relationship where the man picks up the tab, then pick up the f*****g tab because a woman who's offended by it won't be the kind of woman you want a relationship with. If you're the kind of man who wants both to pay their fair share, then don't pick up the tab because the woman who's offended by you not doing so won't be the kind of woman you want a relationship with.

See how easy that is?



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31 Oct 2014, 7:07 pm

LKL wrote:
Women are not a monolith. Some women (assuming heterosexuality here) want to pick up their own tabs on a date, others appreciate or expect a man to do it. If you want the kind of relationship where the man picks up the tab, then pick up the f*****g tab because a woman who's offended by it won't be the kind of woman you want a relationship with. If you're the kind of man who wants both to pay their fair share, then don't pick up the tab because the woman who's offended by you not doing so won't be the kind of woman you want a relationship with.

See how easy that is?

That's my philosophy with all of this dating stuff. However, I think a number of men with not much relationship experience focus primarily on getting the girl to be interested in them, and lose sight of whether they actually want to be with that kind of girl (due to struggling to get into any relationship let alone a suitable one). So they go to a lot of effort to "do the standard correct thing" rather than doing what *they* believe is right and seeing how she responds. I'm inclined to think that the result might be a boring date, because the man is not expressing himself very well.



funeralxempire
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31 Oct 2014, 7:15 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:
LKL wrote:
Women are not a monolith. Some women (assuming heterosexuality here) want to pick up their own tabs on a date, others appreciate or expect a man to do it. If you want the kind of relationship where the man picks up the tab, then pick up the f*****g tab because a woman who's offended by it won't be the kind of woman you want a relationship with. If you're the kind of man who wants both to pay their fair share, then don't pick up the tab because the woman who's offended by you not doing so won't be the kind of woman you want a relationship with.

See how easy that is?

That's my philosophy with all of this dating stuff. However, I think a number of men with not much relationship experience focus primarily on getting the girl to be interested in them, and lose sight of whether they actually want to be with that kind of girl (due to struggling to get into any relationship let alone a suitable one). So they go to a lot of effort to "do the standard correct thing" rather than doing what *they* believe is right and seeing how she responds. I'm inclined to think that the result might be a boring date, because the man is not expressing himself very well.


I think you're on to something.

For a horrible analogy...

They're not looking a gift horse in the mouth, ignoring that long term equine dental costs may be prohibitive.

And unlike horses, you can't shoot your failed potential significant other and sell them to the glue factory, it tends to be frowned upon.


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