Eye contact --> fight or flight -- help?

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Eir
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19 Nov 2014, 5:21 pm

Was just reading the Wrong Planet article about eye contact, where it said that "Studies suggest that aspies and auties avoid eye contact because it triggers a "fight or flight" mechanism in their brains". So that explains a whole lot, now how do I fix it?

I don't generally have a problem with eye contact in my day to day life. Sure, it's not the easiest most natural thing in the world for me, but I manage. I've even figured out flirting. My problem is not so much making eye contact as receiving it. When you've met someone there comes a point when more than usual amount of eye contact is appropriate, say before kissing for the first time or when a guy tries to tell you they like you that way. For me that eye contact triggers a fight or flight response so strong that it overrides everything else, including my better judgement of the situation. I've never been one to back down, so for me it tends to be "fight". Most of my self control goes into not punching them outright and it feels like I don't have the braincells left to control the verbal & nonverbal aggressiveness. I do of course have enough presence of mind not to get physical, but the reaction really is that strong. I've certainly threatened some very nice guys with violence and scared some badly enough they were afraid to talk to me weeks afterwards. And these were men I wanted to see again.

Any ideas how to defuse a situation that's entirely between my ears? Any ideas would be quite welcome.



0_equals_true
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19 Nov 2014, 5:43 pm

I had trouble with this and actually sat with a therapist with my eyes closed then opening them. Kind of gradual immersion therapy. First with dark glasses, then gradually getting nearer.

My best advice is you don't look directly into the eyes. Look at a point above the eyes.

There also a lot of myth sounding direct eye contact. Prolonged direct eye constant isn't actually good body language. It can be aggression or fear.

Generally if someone says something to you you want to give a glance as an acknowledgment, then I suggest looking ever so slightly to the side or down. Do in a relaxed fashion, without jerky head movements.

I'm much better at it, but have day when it reverses.

Btw fight or flight response is something you can condition in it own right. So in a way you need to deal with he whole and not just the eye centric.



Last edited by 0_equals_true on 19 Nov 2014, 5:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

0_equals_true
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19 Nov 2014, 5:49 pm

The eye contact before kissing, or amorous eye contact might be too similar to aggression eye contact. Perhaps you might want to do some research on the subtleties of the body language. Maybe that will help, after all knowledge is power.

I can also be too intense. It isn't wrong to close your lid or look down in such situation. Just avoid jerky head movement, especially looking over shoulder as this is aversion.

I'm not an expert but this is what I have learnt.



Vomelche
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20 Nov 2014, 2:45 pm

Sounds like it could be high anxiety. Some therapy or medication may help to control it better. Anxiety is quite common with people nowadays.

Also, you could try talking to those people that you intimidated and try to explain it to them, so that maybe you could practice to get better.



rdos
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20 Nov 2014, 5:26 pm

The ideas about why neurodiverse people avoid eye contact are all flawed. The real reason is that amount of eye contact depends on if you like the other person or not. For strangers, which you have no connection to, and which are typically used in such studies, it means participants would avoid eye contact. If they instead used known people that participants like results would be different.



Eir
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21 Nov 2014, 9:16 am

Thanks for all the replies, especially 0_equals_true for the concrete ideas. I'm a little at loss how to desensitize myself to that type of eye contact, maybe I should try speed dating? You mentioned research on the subtleties of body language. If you have any references I'd be grateful.

Volmeche: It's not anxiety, I'm a very laid back person. I have a very high-paced, high-stress job where I meet dozens of new people every day and I love it. I like meeting new people and have gotten very good at dealing with stress. I think it's just that I've got my wires crossed regarding that certain type of eye contact. I do however have something of a hair-trigger self-defense reflexes (a requirement in my job, so not likely or desirable to change).



LyraLuthTinu
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28 Nov 2014, 5:00 pm

I recently wrote and published a blogpost on this topic. Be kind, I've been writing since I was 8 but I've only been blogging a few months. I think childbearing and childrearing and then divorce and remarriage destroyed a lot of the brain cells I used to use for creative writing.

My blogpost on eye contact is generally intended as a post to neurotypicals about autistic views, like most of my blog. But I'd love to know what other Aspies and autistic folk think of what I have to say as well.

Be gentle, my blog is new and has very little feedback yet. Also not customized, as I'm not sure and lack much time to tinker with it.

:oops:


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 141 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 71 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
Official diagnosis: Austism Spectrum Disorder Level One, without learning disability, without speech/language delay; Requiring Support