My Girlfriend: Lying or just being normal?

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CaptanPolarBear
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22 Dec 2014, 2:50 pm

(Not sure if it goes here, let me know if it has been moved to a fitting spot)


So I recently got myself a Girlfriend. It will be our 2 month Anniversary come Christmas Eve. Like me she has Aspergers Syndrome, but I am higher functioning than her (in simple terms, i'm more "normal"). Its going great, we both are madly in love with each other and, according to my friends we are the, "Cutest couple they have seen" While I love her, there are somethings that make me wonder about her. Is she lying or is it just something a person with more advanced Aspergers than myself would do? Keep in mind, this is the first time I have ever been in a Relationship.


So to get the ball rolling, she told me when we started dating that she had two brothers. At first I thought they truly were her brothers, but more recently, I discovered they have no relations and are pretty much close friends. Thats all fine and dandy, but in the times I was at her house, they were not there, and when I was on the phone with her, they were there and having a conversation with me. So here are two guys who seem to spend a whole lot of time with her, and are not really blood related. That makes me wonder. But I figure if she is as madly in love as she says she is with me, why would she lie?


Now, here is the other thing, the main reason why I decided to post my predicament here. Along with the two "Brothers" she has, she told me she had a third "Brohter" but he killed himself in 07 over something stupid. She told me that his name was "Atreyu" I figured it was a nickname, (like who the f*** would name their kid that?) But a week ago she told me that was his name.


Now, maybe there are some reading this laughing their butts off and saying, "Dude, Atreyu is the name of a character in the book series The Never Ending Story! !!" You will loose your air supply when she told me her "Brothers" full name was "Atreyu Noah Hathaway" "DUDE, THE ACTOR WHO PLAYED ATREYU IN THE 1984 MOVIE ADAPTATION OF THE BOOK, HIS NAME IS NOAH HATHAWAY!" Well I didn't find this out until 15 minutes before typing this. So, either my Girlfriend downed a barrel of Acid, or something beyond my knowledge is happening.


What my best guess is, she had someone who reminded her of the character Atreyu, who did kill himself over something stupid, and as a coping mechanism, she envisions him as the character Atreyu. I am not a Shrink, but thats a rough guess. It would make since since she likes nicknaming everyone of her friends. (Mine is apparently "Love Dove") She even has a nickname herself, Kiki, which I call her by half the time.


I have so many Effing questions, but i'm afraid to ask them. I'm worried that if I ask via Facebook message, she will misunderstand what i'm saying. And i'm worried if I ask in Real life, then her mom or dad will hear me and be like, "What the f**k is going on?" you know? Plus, when i'm around her, I get so engorged in our love that I forget what to and how to ask her. I truly love this woman, I dont want to hurt her feelings or get her in trouble over something stupid.


So, does anyone have any advice for me or comments, or questions and the like?


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DeeDee327
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22 Dec 2014, 3:38 pm

wow, well I am Aspie and brutally honest and opinionated - so here goes. Sounds like pathological lying, which is scary. I AM actually scared of people who lie for no good reason, other than just to lie. Especially if there's nothing to gain from it. Example...i knew a girl whose father was born in Mexico, and I asked her if she spoke Spanish with him at home, and she said "no, I never learned any Spanish really"....then, about a month later I was with the same girl, and I made a comment about how being bi-lingual is very valuable and she should try to have her father teach her some Spanish. Well , she looks at me like I got 5 heads and says "I speak Spanish at home all the time!". This scared me, there was NO reason for her to tell me two completely different stories!
But anyway, yeah, love can be blinding. I've been there.
I would let the Atreyu thing go for now (you never know, someone could have really been freaky enough to name their kid that - I have seen worse)....BUT if she comes off with any more whoppers, you might wanna dig deeper. Keep us posted and good luck!


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CaptanPolarBear
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22 Dec 2014, 4:07 pm

DeeDee327 wrote:
wow, well I am Aspie and brutally honest and opinionated - so here goes. Sounds like pathological lying, which is scary. I AM actually scared of people who lie for no good reason, other than just to lie. Especially if there's nothing to gain from it. Example...i knew a girl whose father was born in Mexico, and I asked her if she spoke Spanish with him at home, and she said "no, I never learned any Spanish really"....then, about a month later I was with the same girl, and I made a comment about how being bi-lingual is very valuable and she should try to have her father teach her some Spanish. Well , she looks at me like I got 5 heads and says "I speak Spanish at home all the time!". This scared me, there was NO reason for her to tell me two completely different stories!
But anyway, yeah, love can be blinding. I've been there.
I would let the Atreyu thing go for now (you never know, someone could have really been freaky enough to name their kid that - I have seen worse)....BUT if she comes off with any more whoppers, you might wanna dig deeper. Keep us posted and good luck!


I will keep everyone updated.


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kraftiekortie
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22 Dec 2014, 5:21 pm

I wonder if "not learning much Spanish at all" meant that she didn't learn "formal" Spanish in school. I've known MANY people, who speak seemingly fluent Spanish. who claim they hardly know the language because 1. They do not know how to write in the language; and 2. They don't know formal, Castilian Spanish--only the "dialect" of the region of their origin (e.g., Dominican Republic). I believe these people regard themselves as speaking "broken Spanish."

As far as the relationship is concerned: how serious are you about this girl? If you're thinking about engagement/marriage (or even an exclusive commitment), you have to get to the truth of the matter about those guys. Yes, trying to get to the "heart of the matter" might ruin a "good thing"--but if you're serious, you don't want these doubts floating around in your head.



aspiemike
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22 Dec 2014, 5:36 pm

The two guys that are hanging out with her are the cause of concern. Any lies about her past will be cleared up on her own accord.

I don't know if I would be able to handle that situation myself. The odds would indicate that one of those two other guys is definitely into her.


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Deuterium
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22 Dec 2014, 5:58 pm

She might just be totally nuts. This kind of thing should pique your notice that someone might be living in a bizarre fantasy-land, I would try to get the facts resolved as soon as reasonably possible - understand who these guys are and in what capacity their relationship is with her, and what is up with this 'Atreyu' - before you get too involved and potentially hurt. The later you find out something is bad about this the worse it would likely hurt, so try to find out early.



Rhapsody
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22 Dec 2014, 6:00 pm

I don't think it would be considered lying if it's something that she absolutely believes to be true. It sounds from your description that she actually believes it. I wouldn't say that the behavior is “normal” but it doesn't sound dangerous.

The thing about the “brothers” reminds me of when I was younger I got in trouble with a psychologist for telling him that my sister had died...only for him to find out that the “sister” in question was actually a dog. I was not lying to the psychologist, because to me it was the truth. But even though it was true to me that didn't make it true in reality seeing as how we're different species and all. I was like...four or five years old when this happened, but since you said yourself that she's lower functioning, maybe she has the same trouble discerning that I did back then?

I don't know terribly much about her relationship with the guys she calls brothers, but it could be like that. Maybe she really does think of them like her brothers. Or, perhaps, they've just been friends forever and all grew up together. There's this thing called the Westermarck Effect that might be happening. Possibly.

I guess it'd be something to investigate. But do be careful. I hope you find the answers you're looking for! Good luck! <3



CaptanPolarBear
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22 Dec 2014, 10:24 pm

Listen up Everyone, I have an announcement to make!

I talked it with my girlfriend. It turns out, these guys are her imaginary friends. And he has had problems switching from her fantasy world to the real one.


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Humanaut
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22 Dec 2014, 11:50 pm

Deuterium wrote:
She might just be totally nuts.

Most likely.



Cafeaulait
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23 Dec 2014, 1:14 am

Humanaut wrote:
Deuterium wrote:
She might just be totally nuts.

Most likely.


Jep.



kraftiekortie
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23 Dec 2014, 8:16 am

Unless you like people who are into fantasy worlds, as opposed to reality, I would stay FAR away.

I had a girlfriend like that once. It didn't turn out well.



Deuterium
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23 Dec 2014, 9:55 am

CaptanPolarBear wrote:
I talked it with my girlfriend. It turns out, these guys are her imaginary friends. And he has had problems switching from her fantasy world to the real one.

Well, now you have to decide whether or not you can deal with this. Remember to consider implications that aren't directly related (sometimes we with AS can be too fixated on what is immediately relevant), this means more than just dealing with someone who has imaginary friends, it reveals a whole nature of thinking that will impact many other areas of interaction in one way or another.

For my 'two cents', I would be extremely cautious. I'm far from an expert but I think it's not such a great idea to mix two very neurodiverse people together if you want some layer of stability. It would be hard to progress through life if neither of you have a strong foundation of how to cope with the everyday things people have to deal with to get by (you might have this, we're all different). Two people may be attracted to each other, but there's also the question of if it's practical to actually function together. I am not sure what you are thinking now, but try not to let feelings for her blind you to these types of considerations.

I'm afraid of people who are too lost in fantasy but I feel that I'm probably guilty of it to some degree, myself. This girl seems to be an extreme, though - it's not unreasonable to suspect she may have comorbid condition(s) beyond AS.



CaptanPolarBear
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24 Dec 2014, 12:15 am

Ok, folks. Since the main reason for this post has been pretty much settled off-screen. There really isn't any more need.


Feel free to debate and such, But after spending time with her today. I will not stop loving her, So what if she might be totally nuts? With her I feel like I have a reason to be on this planet for the first time in a really long time. Plus, perhaps I can be a sort of "Teacher" to her. As stated above I can apply "Filters" to the world much better than she can, and I can tell her, "Look its alright to have imaginary friends, I think by having a conversation between fake people and myself all the time. But there are moments were thats not going to fly in the real realm."


So yeah, You can debate among yourselves and even offer some advice. But even if she has several screws loose in her brain, I will still love her.


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24 Dec 2014, 6:38 am

she probably tells these lies because she's afraid of how you'll react


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Cafeaulait
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24 Dec 2014, 3:08 pm

How do people determine their date of anniversary? I mean, I hear so many people say things like: 'next tuesday the 2nd of january we will have our one month aniversary'. But how on earth do you count that to the exact date? My date and I had our first date the 10th of december. Does that mean our two month relationship anniversary will be the 10th of february? Or do I start counting the day we got exclusive? How do we determine those things?



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25 Dec 2014, 5:11 am

Cafeaulait wrote:
How do people determine their date of anniversary? I mean, I hear so many people say things like: 'next tuesday the 2nd of january we will have our one month aniversary'. But how on earth do you count that to the exact date? My date and I had our first date the 10th of december. Does that mean our two month relationship anniversary will be the 10th of february? Or do I start counting the day we got exclusive? How do we determine those things?

i think everyone celebrates these things differently, mostly only clingy 15 year olds care though lol. i know some people who celebrate every month like it's a huge deal.


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