Best way to help youngest son who broke up with gf?

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OliveOilMom
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27 Jan 2015, 6:36 pm

I put this here because I thought I might get some different replies than I would in the Haven. It's about my son, not me, so I don't need folks to tiptoe around giving soft answers and stuff, which the haven sort of requires. Here's the deal.

He's 19, he's the one I think may have some AS like me because I noticed quite a few things about him like me, and he's had bad ADHD but hasn't been on meds for a year because no more insurance. He's also completely deaf in one ear from birth and refuses to get an implant because it would make things too loud and he's just find with it. You would never know he can't hear in it unless he told you.

Anyway, in the fall of 2013 he met his first gf. She moved in with him here that winter and they moved out this past spring to their own place. He got a job and has supported them mainly, and she's worked some. Everything was going good. They rented a place from her mother and shared the house with her sister and her sisters bf. They all get along. He grew up a lot and stopped being so whiney and so picky about every single little thing after she moved in here and grew up a lot more after they moved out. No real arguments or anything between them that I know of, just the usual.

Well today I woke up to him bringing stuff in the livingroom. And more stuff. He brought all of his stuff back home. Thank God he had no furniture to bring because my livingroom is literally full of bags and boxes and just stuff. Anyway, he's usually so full of drama and everything is over the top and anything bad is the end of the world, but he's calm about this. He also wouldn't bring all of his stuff if this was just a temper fit. He would have come over and declared that it was over, he wasn't coming back, etc and then gone outside and talked on the phone with her for a few hours and gone back. This time he brought every single thing he had over there. He's also not upset, it's like he's made a decision to leave her and I'm proud of him for being so calm about it.

Here's what I want to know. What's the best way for me to support him with this. I know, be supportive. I mean other than that. Usually I would know what to do because I know how to deal with him when he acts like he always does. This time, when I asked him what was wrong he said "Don't worry about it" instead of telling me every detail of whats upset him. Remember, this is the kid who thinks he's been ripped off and scammed and it's the end of everything he hates Journeys, UPS, etc when his shoes he's ordered come a day late, and he stomps around constantly talking about it. He's FINE RIGHT NOW. That's what worries me.

He can of course stay here. He can figure out a ride to and from work because he doesn't have a car and really hasn't ever learned to drive much. I don't know if they will get back together or not, I don't even know whats happened. I know she was always a little hard on him about some things, but they were things that he needed somebody to be that way on him about. She helped him grow up a lot. I don't know if maybe she was just too much or what. All he told his sister was "She was mean so I left".

What do ya'll think I should do? How would you want your mother to be if you were in his shoes? He's got his brother and sisters and my daughter's fiance all here and some friends who come by a lot, so he's got support there, but I'm his mother and I have no clue how to deal with him when he's obviously upset but acting calm and handling it normally, because he doesn't handle anything normally. Thats what's got me worried. He's at work right now but will be home this evening.

Any suggestions?


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kraftiekortie
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27 Jan 2015, 7:44 pm

Just listen if he wants to talk. It seems as if he's had "enough"--a straw that broke the camel's back kind of thing. I hope he keeps his job.

I would just leave him alone....but watch him without him knowing it.

Encourage him to try college now.



Non_Passerine
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27 Jan 2015, 7:46 pm

Did he plan for a future with her? It seems like that, why would they date otherwise?



mfs1013
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27 Jan 2015, 7:47 pm

im surprised his ex didn't sound begging for him back... are they gonna stop paying rent to the house?



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27 Jan 2015, 8:13 pm

Hugs, chocolate, and the video game of his choice.


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nick007
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27 Jan 2015, 8:27 pm

Just let him know he can talk to you if & when he wants to & then drop it if he doesn't open up.


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cathylynn
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27 Jan 2015, 8:29 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Just listen if he wants to talk. It seems as if he's had "enough"--a straw that broke the camel's back kind of thing. I hope he keeps his job.

I would just leave him alone....but watch him without him knowing it.

Encourage him to try college now.


^^^ this



OliveOilMom
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27 Jan 2015, 9:00 pm

Yes they had planned for a future together. They dated for a little bit but then moved in together about a year ago. At first they lived here, then they moved out and moved into her mother's old house after she remarried and moved in with her husband. They were eventually going to get married and she wanted to do the big Italian Catholic wedding thing. She was even going to convert even though he's not religious and she's not really either, but we are all Catholic even though we are at the very least nonpracticing, but she wanted to convert so they could have the big Nuptial Mass at the church and he was fine with that. They hadn't started planning anything yet and she had no ring or anything, it was just understood.

They were renting from her mother and now it's just her and her sister and sister's boyfriend who are living there so I assume they will still pay rent. My son's not going to pay rent for her to her mother because he's not living there anymore.

I don't know if he wants to go to college. He has to get his GED first. Right now though he's doing great at work. They love him there. He knows how to run everything on the line, and he does all kinds of overtime, and he's already training the new people on his shift and his line and he will be a shift supervisor before long and then he could work on up into management. This place is affiliated with the Mercedes plant and he could even end up working there. They build car parts but for lots of different cars. If he stays here he could work his way up and end up working at Mercedes and work his way up there. He could end up making as much money as he would if he had been to college and Mercedes can send you to school for whatever they need you to learn, although he will still have to get his GED. I'm for him staying right where he's at right now. I'd like my other son to switch his shift so they are on the same shift instead of this son. My older son hasn't been there as long and doesn't want to stay there for years and years, although he said he doesn't mind, but he would rather go back to construction, he likes that better than assembly line. My younger son is perfect for assembly line, he loves it. Thats why I think my older son should switch to be on the younger's shift and then they could ride in together.

So far I haven't said anything and don't know what happened at all. It's weird because the gf hasn't even called here! She hasn't called anybody here, and I would have thought she would by now. I'm sure tonight when he gets home he will talk to his sisters and brother and tell them what happened and they will tell me.


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kraftiekortie
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28 Jan 2015, 6:26 am

There are community colleges which have as one of their components a GED program.

Once he gets by the GED program, he could start the college program.

Community colleges are NOT inferior to four-year colleges. They teach the courses as four-year colleges. The credits count the same. The GPA is tranferred, alongside the student, into the four-year college.

I know they like him at the job--but without a GED, he's ripe for exploitation. Really he is.



kraftiekortie
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28 Jan 2015, 10:26 am

I forgot what county you're in. Maybe there's a community college in your county which offers something like a "bridge" from GED to college.



darkphantomx
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28 Jan 2015, 10:41 am

Just do what the British do. Carry on.



kraftiekortie
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28 Jan 2015, 11:09 am

Central Alabama Community College has a GED program.

Then he could go on to the college.



0_equals_true
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28 Jan 2015, 12:30 pm

Sounds like he is dealing with it pretty well.



darkphantomx
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28 Jan 2015, 12:38 pm

He had a gf at 19?!

Dang, that's quite a feat for someone with Aspergers. The average age for first girlfriend for aspies is like 31. :P



OliveOilMom
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28 Jan 2015, 2:53 pm

darkphantomx wrote:
He had a gf at 19?!

Dang, that's quite a feat for someone with Aspergers. The average age for first girlfriend for aspies is like 31. :P


I guess you weren't getting the responses you wanted so you decided to get a bit more trollish eh? You might get the argument you seek and there, and you might actually enjoy it because you are free to insult peoples political views as vehemently as you wish, as long as you can restrain yourself from ad hominem attacks you'll do just fine there. (Ad hominem attacks are when you insult the person instead of the person's point of view that you are arguing about)

Now, on to my response to you about your post. First let me say, I'm very sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not offended or upset by you in any way. We get trolls all the time here, much worse than what you have given us. I'd suggest stepping up your game if you want to offend us. Now, if you read what I said you will see that I said I thought my son had mild AS like I do because I noticed some things about him that made me suspect he does. He's always been popular and very good socially, and while social impairment is usually present to some degree in AS, it's not always. I however was diagnosed with it about ten years ago, in my 40's. I never knew I had anything wrong with me, I had just been awkward and kind of weird as a kid but learned to cope with it and change most of what was weird about me. Again, I have mild AS, not everyone's is as mild as mine but some have milder cases than I do.

I however, had my first boyfriend at 15. We dated for 2 years. I dated quite a bit before I married, and I've been married for longer than you've been alive - 27 years. I also do well socially. In fact my husband, my children and myself do so well socially that we don't have to do sad, pitiful things like sit at home alone, probably unwashed, in a dark room lit only be the eerie blue light of the computer screen and seek out strangers on the internet to deceive and lure into what we mistakenly believe is our intricate web of deception so we can gain their trust, or at least their brief attention, so we can feel strong and important, or at least that we matter to someone, somewhere, for a fleeting moment in time when we insult them, and taken unawares like that after a clever tactical blow to their obviously low self esteem, they will feel at least some proof of our existence, so then we can sit back in our chairs and laugh the maniacal laugh of the lonely, friendless outcast who finally struck a blow and made his existence known and felt, in the only way he could. You know, like internet trolls do.

But yeah, you might get a little more of that much needed non-con power exchange that you seem to be after over on PPR. Just try to refrain from the ad hominem and you might just do fine there for months before you're busted and sent scampering back under the bridge.


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My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

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