Social Anciety

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I've been chatting to this girl on OK Cupid. She's pretty, she's smart, she likes the same things I like and she has social anxiety. I want to know how I can get to know her better without making her feel uncomfortable. I don't want to force my company on her but I want to help her. In many ways she reminds me of me when I was younger.

The thing is there are a lot of girls like her on dating sites. I think dating sites attract shy types. Her profile is full of self-deprecating remarks. She really seems to hate herself. I think she's awesome. How can I help her see herself as I see her?

I know from experience that such problems can make you only see the bad in yourself and that badness gets exaggerated to seem ten times worse than it really is. How can I help her feel better about herself? How can I help her feel more comfortable around people?

Just ask her out, gently, for coffee. Tell her you like her as a person, and would like to meet her. Don't use any dating clichés. Don't reel off any of those idiot statistic about male tendencies/female tendencies. Treat her like you would treat a good friend. Take it slow.

think of what helped you.
a no-expectations coffee talk is a good idea indeed; no other plans, she can leave whenever she wants to (make that point clear), and there will be (almost) no pressure.
making sure she understands that it won't be a real 'date' if she doesn't want it to be is a good thing if you ask me, in such a case, there will be less pressure, which directly reduces anxiety

I did. She said she was "kind of nervous" about coffee dates. Hell, I was too at her age. I wouldn't go near a dating site back then.

She said she was trying to get out more. I tried to impress upon her that I'd been overcoming my own problems. I said "I had a quarter life crisis back when I was 25". Maybe this scared her off, to hear that I'm a good deal older than her. She's 18. Records indicate she hasn't visited my profile so she may not have realized.

I don't want her to see me as a cradle snatcher, it's just that a lot of the stuff she's going through, I've already been through. I think I could really help guide her through it instead of stumbling through blindly like I had too.

Do girls get nervous about dating a guy who's older than they are?Yeah, that would have been a good idea, to say not a real date. But I did say it was a "coffee date". I told her I hoped I hadn't made her feel nervous and she said I hadn't.

I might try a lighter approach but first I want to put the ball in her court. She usually starts chatting to me in the evenings and I don't want to message her too many times in a row.

No, you're not a cradle robber (what we Americans call it). You're a bit older than her--but not much more. There are 18-year-olds who go out with people MY age, and they don't suffer social consequences because of it. My father started seeing his present wife when she was about 22, and he about 47. It's MUCH more common for an older guy to see a younger girl than vice versa.

Maybe she's scared off by the age--who knows? But maybe she's not. It is a prestige thing for some 18-year-olds to go out with somebody 10 years older. Other 18-year-olds don't care about the age, really. Others do want to date people their own age. In terms of "maturity," an 18-year-old girl is equivalent to a 21-year-old guy.

If you do happen to get a date with her, be gentle. Just talk about commonplace things. Have a dialogue with her. Listen to her. Allay her social fears. Respond positively to all of what she says. If she says something you find stupid, don't say it's stupid. Wait for another time when you get to know her better.