Is this normal mother in law behaviour?

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Hello fellow aspies,

As some of you know I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for exactly three months now (known each other for 4). I got tot know his family quite early on in the relationship. This is because he still lives with his parents. Now, his parents are quite nice and always hospitable. The only thing is that it is often on my mind how they really feel about me. My boyfriend and I seem to match pretty well; we are both progressive goofballs. However, his parents seem tot be quite 'conservative' in some aspects. They are also quite wealthy and have a big house. The mom is very concerned about looking good and staying in shape. They are also very concerned for their sons; his mom is always telling my boyfriend that he should eat some more and that he should do this and that and whatnot. She is always giving her children 'advice'. My boyfriend said that this mom prefer him tot marry within his own 'culture'/ethnic group and they would rather not he date someone with divorced parents. Well, I am half white and half afro-caribbean. Also, my dad died when I was still a teen and since I was 14 I was raised by my mom.

I visit my boyfriend about twice a month. My boyfriend regularly tells me his parents ask a lot of questions about me, especially his mom. This kind of makes me kind of anxious. I don't know if this is normal mother in law behaviour. His mom once asked him: 'Luke, how much do you like cafeaulait? '
Appearantly she also told him: 'If you don't like cafeaulait anymore you should just break up with her kid'. Actually I find this comment quite hurtful, but maybe I am overreacting? At the same time she wants me to come to family meetings. My boyfriend says this is because his aunt (her sister) is very curious about me. Last time I went there his granddad just popped up when he heard I was there. I understand their curiosity but at the same time it makes me feel overwhelmed and a bit insecury. This is fed by the fact that my boyfriend said that their family is quite a gossipy family. They always want tot see and 'rate' new additions to the family. I heard his mom regularly talks to her sister about me. I know she is a gossipy and critical person, and since I might not fit their picture of the ideal daughter in law, I am afraid they are also saying negative things about me.

I find this stresses me out quite a bit. It makes me kind of hesitant tot go over tot his house. Appearantly the mom wants me to come visit next Friday to meet his aunt and stuff. I said I had a date with a vriend and appearantly his mom said I 'should just cancel the date with my friend'.

Is it normal that this woman, although generally nice and hospitable, is getting on my nerves bit and makes me feel judged? Is this normal mother in law behaviour?



Thanks in advance.

This is a very extreme case of nosy judging but yeah... it's about how mothers in law behave generally. There was a great comedy movie made on this theme called Meet the Fockers.

She sounds like a bit of a control freak. Especially since she thinks you should cancel your visit with your friend because she wants you to do what she wants you to do instead. You have every right to be busy with your own life and visit her another day. The world doesn't revolve around her.

Try not to worry too much about what she or the other family members think of you, easier said than done, I know, but at the end of the day what matters is the relationship you and your boyfriend have and it's not really anyone else's business.

So typical....

Well, yes, its not their business, but that won't keep them from interfering, and family members (especially parents) can do a lot of damage to young relationships.

In worst case scenarios, they can pile pressure and guilt on a young person until they feel they have to end the relationship, or be disowned and ostracized from their familial support system forever. I've seen it happen.

In the long run, parents like that often end up so hurting and alienating their children that they destroy their own relationships and their kids move away and never speak to them again, but that's only after the damage is done.

Not to make you paranoid, but you should be aware of the potential of people like that to be self-involved, manipulative and cruel. Hopefully your boyfriend is old enough and independent enough not to be susceptible to that sort of mind game, but realize that these people are his family and if you continue with him, their snarky comments and attempts to influence his decisions will not stop. Like it or not, its a package deal - take him, take his family - unless the two of you move far away, which isn't necessarily a bad idea.

I guess that you are right and that i should just accept it and let it go. His mom is not some horrible witch, like some mothers in law are. She just gets in my nerves a bit because of her OCD like traits. I know that she is a good mom for my boyfriend, but she is just a little too overbearing sometimes. She still makes his breakfast, washes his clothes, cleans his sheets and everything while he is almost 28. I don't know how she feels about me and her son visiting me.
Appearantly this is normal and will have to see through this. I hope my boyfriend wint dump me.

From what you’ve told, it sounds like you might be your boyfriend’s best hope of eventually gaining real freedom and start living like a normal person in full control of his life. It’s up to you to decide if giving him that chance is worth all the troubles.

Then again, I might just be projecting myself.

This is just my take, and it will be influenced by my own experiences, so take it with a grain of salt. But...

This family sounds like a nightmare....in a "nice", subtle way.

Not a nightmare like the parents are crack addicts, etc. They sound like perfectly decent, "nice" people.

But they also sound judgmental, gossipy, controlling, overly interfering, and overly eager to decide who their son gets serious with -- I especially don't care for the emphasis the mom seems to place on "marrying within the ethnic group."

That's fine for her to believe in, but when it comes to making things weird for you because you're not exactly that, is that really a family you want to get seriously involved with and have as part of your life for potentially the rest of your life?

Because, no this is not entirely normal.

While there ARE plenty of families who act like this one does, there are also families out there who do not. There are moms out there who genuinely say to their sons: "I don't care WHO you love or marry, black white or green, I just want her to be a good person for you and to you."

And there are families who don't rush to get together and compare notes, and judge the newcomer. Obviously it's human to do SOME talking together about a serious contender who may join the family, but not all families are this intense and controlling, or worried about presentation or ethnicity or what.

My own family of origin was extremely easy going and casual about who we all brought home or got involved with, or married.

The man I eventually married, his own family were the total opposite, and they were a lot like the family you describe. I wasn't used to people being so overly concerned and uptight. Our marriage didn't last long, and though there were myriad reasons for that (most divorces aren't about just one thing, but a critical mass of several issues not getting resolved), his awful family being so hard to take and me increasingly not fitting in was one of the big reasons.

The family you describe sound like hard work and trust me, they will continue to be. This sounds like a never ending struggle in the making.

My ex husband never did stand up to his mother and become more psychologically independent of her and her opinions, so don't count on that happening.

How old are you( how old is he?

Whetger your boyfriend's mom's behavior is "normal" is subjective, unknowable and thus irrelevant.

Are you willing to put up with his mom's meddling? With boyfriend providing regular updates on his mom's meddling for an unfathomable reason?

Thanks for tour responses. My boyfriend is 28 and I am 23.

It's not like his mom is a complete b***h. She always askes me how I am doing and she doesn't have a bad heart. She is really nice and thoughtful and she even bought me a really nice birthday present that i really loved, while i didn't ask for anything. She alsof says nice things and helps us out when we are trying to find holiday destinations. When I gave my boyfriend a valentine's day present she told him that he should give me somthing in return because I made effort for him. His Brother and dad are very nice and don't seem to care much.
The mom just seems a bit obsessed/controlling and 'rigid' and that is why i don't like visiting them.
I don't know if my boyfriend will be compliant with his mum. he often laughs it off when we talk about his mums comments, he does not seem to care much, but i can never be sure.

No, this is NOT normal, but it is pretty common nowadays, though. This family sounds like they are dysfunctional, and have some psychological issues.

In the last two relationships I was in, the mother was one of the main causes of our relationship ending. My last girlfriend's mother (and other members of her family, for that matter) didn't like us being together, because of our age difference, and the fact that I got more attention than she did (not exactly good reasons not to like somebody). Basically, my girlfriend was afraid to stand up to her, and would rather sacrifice our relationship, than to "upset" her.

Is it worth it? That's a tough call. I guess it depends on how strong your relationship is with your partner. The biggest issue, is if your partner is aware of the problems, and is willing to do anything about it.

Yes I know what you mean. The thing is that your mother in law explicitly (?) made it clear that she didn't want to see you together. My mother in law did not do that. Like I said, she is generally nice to me and bought me a birthday present. However I feel like she is constantly analyzing the relationship that I have with her son; like she is constantly judging me. The fact that she is constantly asking her son questions about me, what I am doing and how he feels about me, makes me feel even more 'judged'. She also always asks so many questions, about what kind of job I am going to get, about what internship I'm going to do, what my 'career plans' are (for gods sake, I just turned 23 and haven't even graduated). I do think there are some psychological issues going on with her; she is a top manager at her job and it seems like she has taken her 'managing' all the way along into her personal life.

I just don't feel comfortable when I am around her, because of her OCD-like comments ("You are not getting an egg with your bacon Mike, otherwise you will get too fat" (Mike is her other son; he is very athletic and slim), "I went to the gym and they told me I had to get my fat changed into muscle" (this woman is already model-like slim), "You should eat your banana and hit the gym more, Luke, you are way too skinny", "Could you get the clothes out of the dryer, Adam" (Adam is the father in law, and she just askes him to do these kinds of tasks while the man is eating dinner). The fact that she also has conservative ideas (how stupid is it to be that judgemental about people with divorced parents!?!) and that she talks about me a lot when I am not there, that's what gets on my nerves.

It's the combination of her personal characteristics and ideas and comments that makes me wonder what this woman is all about and what she thinks about me. Off course I will not break up with him because I don't feel in place with his family. She is also not trying to sabotage our relationship. It's just that her judgemental and OCD-like character sometimes gets on my nerves. I myself am very cultured person, travelled alot, strive to develop myself, am analythical, don't judge people that quickly. She is so different from me.

I can really see how her behaviour would be annoying to you, it would definitely be annoying to me. But on the other hand, why is he still living at home at 28? If he would like to live more independently then he must do so. I would also be really, really wary of living with someone (should he move out) who has had all of this done for him and had his life managed so completely.

Lol, that is a legitimate question. Here in the Netherlands it's quite hard to get a steady job after you've finished your studies unless you've studied something technical. My boyfriend studied law and economy, has a job but not a steady one. You can't buy a house here until you have a steady job with a steady monthly income. It's not that he doesn't want to move away from his parents, but he can't get a place of his own untill he makes a steady living. He is hoping to get a steady contract in may or oktober this year, but things certainly aren't certain. I would love it if he get a house as quick as possible.

Can he come to visit you instead of you visiting him? That way you can avoid staying with his overbearing-but-well-intentioned family?

Why is boyfriend still living at home at 23?

Actually, we wern't married. She never really said anything to me directly, but my ex told me several times that she didn't like me. Also, my ex was the type that was easily influenced, and she would accuse me of all sorts of crazy things (clearly things that her mother, and some other family members put in her head), that were totally not true. On top of that, her mother would ask her to come visit (without me), on the days that I planned on doing things with her...which was I believe, was done intentionally, to cause problems between us.

In your case, though, it sounds like the mother is one of those people that "wants the best for their baby", and in doing so, is basically trying to run his life. It sounds like she is projecting some of her own problems onto him, and this behavior can also be considered as selfish and inconsiderate.