For over two years, I had been in an online relationship with a woman nine years my senior. It was one of the few things in life that brought me consistent joy. Yet I received an email that she's looking to take her life in a direction that I can't go. She says that she doesn't feel like we're in a relationship anymore. I expect this is the nice way of preparing me for when the end becomes "official" but to be honest, I'm treating it like it's official. My heart aches but I've accepted that with our respective issues it would be years before I could emigrate and live with her and she doesn't want to live in America. In retrospect, I don't doubt that she loved me but the last two years, my depression and anxiety has worsened to the point where it's taken a physical toll on me. I understand that she can see that and wants to save herself any heartache if the unthinkable should happen. I know we'll continue to be friends, and that my only obstacle is just this sense of uselessness that I have obtained since her "unofficially" breaking up with me.
I don't own her and I wish her the best.
As for the immediate future, once my parents and I figure out whether I'm moving back in with them (for both our financial benefit), I will look at overcoming my mental health issues by slowly easing myself back into work. Starting with 20 hours and hopefully eventually 40 hours either with two part time jobs or a full time job that won't completely destroy my autistic brain lol. I'm not entirely sure I'll do any college since I've still a freshman in terms of credit hours even after six attempted semesters (depression and anxiety have sent me to psych wards four times in the past two and a half years causing me to have drop or withdraw).
I've thought about maybe getting an apprenticeship in a trade but I don't know of any trades I could be good at or even where to get an apprenticeship in my area. Right now though, the only thing riding well for me is that my meds work well enough (and when I'm eating healthy - they work even better)..
But the main point of this post is whether I should accept that I am not relationship material and accept being single for the rest of my life. I've wanted to be in a romantic relationship since I was four (even before I ever started getting exposed to movies and TV) but now that I'm older, I have to deal with the realities of my mental health. Will I ever be able to afford to be financially and logistically independent alongside my health concerns, let alone being able to afford a girlfriend/wife?
I'm essentially rambling and trying to make sense of this in a public forum, not for sympathy but maybe for any insight that can be given to me that can make this easier.
07 Jul 2015, 5:04 pm
