When is it over?

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I have been married to my wife for almost 16 years. Overall it has been pretty good. We have many of the same values and ideas, we get along well, rarely fight or argue. She is probably pretty good looking for her age (she is 52).

Over the past couple of years she has pretty much stopped commenting about my appearance. Very rarely says I look good, or hot, or anything like that. I say things like that to her very often, probably a few times a week. Around a year ago, at the prompting of a therapist, I asked her if she still found me attractive. She said she did, and did say positive things about my looks for a week. Since that time, I can only remember 1 other time that she said anything about my appearance, and that was a month or so ago.

Even our affectionate times seem to be getting less exciting to her. I don't mean sex (that is a whole other thread) but just the times I hug or kiss her. Half of the time she doesn't really seem to be into it, just going through the motions, not really interested, just kind of there. I was acting playful and affectionate a couple of weeks ago (not trying to get sex) and she told me how I am always showering her with affectionate and that sometimes makes her uncomfortable, or something like that. She is a NT so it isn't a sensory/touch thing with her.

As I said earlier, we have been married 15 years, have a 12 year old daughter, have a house, 2 cars, and a decent income (75% or more earned by me). In other words, a divorce would be time consuming and kind of messy. We had some disagreements about money in the past, and since we are doing better financially now, I have just given up and let her buy whatever she wants-luckily she isn't very extravagant. I do a lot of the running our daughter to activities, help clean the house, buy her flowers once a week or so, all the things I think a good husband should do, and maybe more than some do. Doesn't seem to help.

Over the past few months there is a woman who works in a store near my house who seems to be interested in me. She is most definitely flirting with me, and being an Aspie, if I can pick it up it she must be getting ready to jump me. If I were to paint a picture of what my ideal woman would look like, she is probably closer to that than anyone else I have ever met. I am still in awe of how beautiful she is and how she is interested in me! We have been talking more, learning more about each other, and I did buy her a Starbucks gift card for her birthday since it was this past wednesday. She seemed pleased with that. I am close to asking her out just to have more time to talk with her to see how compatible we are, and wouldn't be surprised if she asked me out, and most likely wouldn't decline it. When I went to give her the gift card for her birthday, I took off my wedding ring first. That is the first time I have ever done that around another woman.

I am pretty sure my wife doesn't know about this other woman who finds me attractive. I am really starting to feel like she doesn't any longer. I am going to try to have a talk with her later today to try and find out what she feels about me and such. She will probably say she thinks our marriage is fine and she finds me attractive, but she doesn't act like it very much. I really don't want to end up in a few years just being like roommates who have sex once a month or so. I am 48 years old, I won't be able to attract hot looking women for much longer. I am not sure how to know when a marriage is over, or if mine is headed that way. Or how to save it, it seems like I am doing the right things. I talked to my wife a couple of weeks ago and she said she didn't think our marriage needed anything else.

Sounds like you're looking for someone to give you permission for what you're going to do anyway, tbh.

Not completely, just trying to figure out if there is any chance of what I have getting better.

Couples counselling...?

16+ years is a long time to be with one person, before you make a decision that will end your marriage consider wholeheartedly working on your marriage together with your wife, giving her the opportunity to work with you to improve the relationship.

It seems like she doesn't know that you are on the verge of ending it, I believe that it would be wrong of you to exclude her in this way, you have continued making romantic gestures, but without communicating how serious your current feelings are about the marriage.

Also consider how your child would feel about the decision you seem to be on the verge of, I imagine that they would hope you would give their mom a chance to keep the family unit together.

I am going to talk with my wife tonight, at least tell her that I am confused about her feeling towards me. Before I met her, I was in a short term relationship where the other person just stopped having feelings for me, and nothing I did was able to change that. It was very painful at the time. I spent most of that summer very depressed. I am worried that maybe that is happening again.

My wife and I both see the same counselor-usually for individual appointments but we have gone with our daughter before for family counseling, but that has been about our parenting towards our daughter and things like that, not our marriage. We might have to go see her together. I am willing to do that. I am guessing that my wife thinks that there is nothing wrong with our marriage. Maybe there isn't. Maybe as people get older the affection just goes away. Over the past few years my wife just says that she is not a real affectionate person. She didn't say that the first few years of our marriage, and she didn't act like it. She used to complement me on my appearance. I have put on a little weight-not a whole lot, I am trying to get in better shape and have been doing so. The rest of my appearance doesn't look like it has changed much since we were married. Most people tell me I look like I am in my mid 30s, not 48.

I will see where our discussion goes and it counseling is possible or would be helpful. I am worried that my wife will either be unwilling to change, or unable to change. She might briefly complement me again, but it might seem fake, like she is only doing it because I said it was important, not because she really feels it. She might stop it again after a couple of weeks.

Believe me, I never thought I would reach this point. I planned on staying married to this woman forever. I don't know what changed. I don't think I changed that much. If anything, I have tried to be a better husband, more interested in her things, I started doing Yoga with her because I thought it would bring us closer. I would hate to put my daughter through a break up since she has behavioral issues of her own. I don't want the headache of doing through a divorce, but I also don't want my married life to continue to go downhill either, until I end up with someone who feels nothing towards me.

Maybe I never should have told her I have Asperger's Syndrome. I learned that about 18 months ago. Maybe it subconsciously turns her off. I probably shouldn't have told her about the childhood abuse that I started working through in therapy a year ago. Maybe she can't stand the idea of being with someone who had that happen to them.

Again, I never planned on things turning out like this. I am willing to do what I can to make this all work, but I am also getting to the point where I just don't have a whole lot of energy left to do a lot of additional things if they aren't going to make a difference.

Sounds silly to me to divorce because she doesn't tell you often how hot you are.
Looks like you're just looking for a reason to go with the other woman.

Surely it's more to the point that they are having sex less often and can't talk about money.

Something is wrong and ProfessorJohn knows it.

It doesn't sound irreparable, but it needs to be talked through, with a counselor.

My feeling after reading the OP was more that having been rejected by his wife, he is now noticing other possibilities. This is hardly surprising.

We actually have been able to discuss money and other financial matter pretty well. It does feel, though, like my wife is just taking me for granted at times.

He said it's about not being told how hot he is and her not being huggy and stuff. I remember him saying in some other thread that he quite regrets not having had more women before getting married and he doesn't like it, so I just did 1+1.

She does seem a bit indifferent about the marriage. How about the rest of her life, is she happy with her job and herself?

I really hope it is not over. Maybe she's just gotten used to you--like an old shoe (nothing wrong with that at all. It's a sign that she's comfortable with you).

She started you on a new path in life. I hope, even if it doesn't "work out," that you'll feel appreciation for you for having done that.

I guess you'll have to be a flirt again.

Gotcha. It certainly does sound like ProfeesorJohn is enjoying the attention from the other woman.


Hmmm.

This doesn't actually sound like being able to discuss money and other financial matters, but perhaps I misunderstand.

In any case, it sounds like you have a great marriage but want more attention. My thought is that you should ask for it in no uncertain terms and see what happens.

Fortunately the sexual frequency has been better this year than the last couple of years. I figured out I have to be the one to ask for it-initiate it, whatever. Not near as often as the first couple of years of marriage or when she was wanting to get pregnant, and not at the average level for our age, but better than what it was.

I did talk with her a couple of weeks ago about our marriage and if there was anything she wanted changed and she thought it was just fine and that we were doing good. I guess we just have different expectations or wants and have to figure out a way to try and best meet them for both of us. That might be difficult, I don't know.

I do think she is spending too much time on her adjunct teaching job. She does have perfectionist tendencies and is seeing a counselor about that. I try to subtly tell her not to put too much effort into it-after all, she isn't teaching at Harvard. Of course I don't come right out and say things like that. Her regular job is now much less stressful than when she was a first grade teacher. I was hoping that things would improve when she got away from the stress of that job.

Physical affection (not just sex) is something that is important to me. I realize that that is kind of rare for an Aspie, but that is how I am. I am not sure I am ready to spend the rest of my life without any, or very little affection. I do worry that she no longer finds me attractive because I have had that happen to me before. It would be tough for me to stay married or in a relationship with someone who didn't find me attractive, I would figure "what's the point?"

Will see how our discussion goes in an hour or so. Might be on here later today crying again.

Too much "discussion"--not enough lovin'!

I, myself, I must confess, hate these sorts of discussions. I'd rather just wink at my lover.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 28 Aug 2015, 4:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I find it really odd to hear a 48 year old talk about attractiveness as if it is super-important. What's the point? It's a fact that it is people in their teens and 20s that are perceived as most attractive by both genders, so why whine about not being so attractive in the 40s? It's a fact that you aren't.

Or is the purpose that wife should lie to you? Perhaps the other woman is better at lying?

I wish it was that easy.

The discussion pretty much went how I expected. She said she loved me, found me attractive, thought our marriage was fine. She then mentioned how she is just not very affectionate, and that I knew that when I married her. If she told me prior to marriage, I wasn't paying attention because I don't remember her saying that at all, and she did act affectionate when we were dating.

The only surprise was when she calmly said that maybe she is no longer the right person for me. I resisted the urge to yell "Hallelujah, (other woman's name) here I come!" Instead I said well we have been together for 16 years, etc since that seemed the right thing to say.

It just seems that I am not going to get my affection needs met at the level I want. The only ray of hope was that she did say something about maybe dealing with her intimacy issues in therapy sooner than she was planning on. Sounds like she wasn't thrilled about having to do that.

I am not sure what the appropriate level of affection to show her will be now. She said just do what is natural. I told her it is going to be hard now because every time I go to hug or kiss her I am going to be thinking that she doesn't like this, or really want me doing this. Guess maybe we weren't together long enough before we got married so I could have seen all this stuff come out. Of course, that might not have deterred me much either.

I know most of you will read this and think that our marriage sounds fine since she loves me and all and thinks it is fine, but this is kind of a blow to me to have to realize it is probably not going to go the way I really wanted it to. Maybe that is typical.