Not 1 Person

Post Reply New Topic

I just needed to write my thoughts down and since I don't go to a therapist and don't have anyone else to talk to about it, I wanted someone else to give me feedback. I've been on WP for about 5 years now and I've had many posts on the same topic. People who recognize my name are probably sick of the same posts over and over but sorry I need some help.

Basically I've pretty much given up hope and I go through each day very depressed. I can NOT stress how hard I try to stay positive but it just seems like I'm never going to find someone of the opposite sex. The first thing I ask is should I avoid social media so I don't see others announcing engagements, seeing pictures, etc... I feel like that might of added to the cause.

So I have a good amount of guy friends and nothing they have done has ever helped, despite their best efforts. I think I've reached the breaking point with this. I think out of all my friends, I am now the only one who has never had a girlfriend, and I mean even just a friend that's a girl. I had a friend who was having trouble just like me but he figured it out and now when he says he can't do things, he doesn't say why but it's blatantly obvious (he's horrible at masking it) because he doesn't want to say its with a girl to not get me upset since we have shared the same struggles. I just hate the fact that my friends have pity on me and I feel like if I'm not around, I can picture them talking about why I can't find someone.

Anyway like I said it doesn't matter what I try. I've been rejected maybe a couple times in the last year or so, once very rudely even though I just said "Hi" and started a convo about the weather. I've tried all the apps, the free online dating sites.

EVERYTHING. And the worst part. I can't get any responses. Nothing. Not one. I started these accounts around New Year's and can you imagine that I haven't had 1 person respond to me. The worst part is the friend that figured it out recently and I both got told to create a Tinder (I know) by a friend who was hoping we could find someone that way. He was getting hits left and right and I had never gotten one (Got rid of it soon after).

And then that's what sucks too. All my friends have someone and now I barely talk to anyone and never hang out with anyone. We do things every once in a great while now and I'm never able to talk 1-on-1 with anyone anymore and it's just disheartening to see everyone happy. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for them but it's tough to see everyone having success and doing fun things and it just gets me so down.

I just don't understand. I'm not a bad looking guy at all, I've lost 25 lbs since the start of Spring and I am in pretty solid shape now, just a touch chubby. I go to the gym a lot and have a ton of hobbies and really do have a lot of fun with my friends, doing wacky stuff and such.

BUT the problem is that it doesn't fill the deep void I feel about this. I really try every single day to wake up a think positive but I think my soul is just crushed. That one friend was the last one besides me that couldn't figure it out and now he has. I just can see it whenever someone brings it up when were all hanging out, I see that "let's not talk about it too much in front of me" face.

So what do I do? I just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and it's a suffocating feeling. I'm just really down in the dumps, I just don't know what could help me feel better about this until what I want happens.

So I don't know anymore, it just seems like I am on an island all by myself. Just think of the fact that I just have no clue how to interact with females. I really don't. I don't know how else to say it but I don't. Even if it's someone I'm not interested or even if it's one of my friend's girlfriends or something, I just don't talk to any of them much. Maybe a hi here or there but that's it. I just shy away from anything.

And if I have to hear someone from my family ask about it one more time, I'm gonna snap. I don't think more than a week goes by without getting a constant reminder in some way.

I don't know I'm just really lonely and here I sit inside on another night where I should be doing something fun, while my other friends are probably going to dinner with their girls, or a movie or hitting the sack with them. Whatever it may be it's a hell of a lot better than what I am doing and I'm sick of not having this stuff in my life. I am almost 24 and I just want it to end before it gets too late and I'm 30 and then the pressure will pick up and before you know it I'm 40 and then 50 and then I die alone with no family or anything.

I can't even fathom that thought. I just really hit a rough patch tonight and I felt like I needed to write. My thoughts my be unorganized or so but if anyone takes the time and looks at this and responds, I will feel a whole lot better.

So thanks.

as someone who was single for 52 years, i'd like to suggest that being single isn't horrible if you have friends. you are being very hard on yourself. try not to expect yourself to be like everyone else. enjoy what you have. and since dating seems to loom so large for you, ask your closest friend to suggest how you could approach women differently. also, practice talking to your friends' girlfriends, even if it's uncomfortable. that would be progress. are any of your hobbies things that women typically enjoy? if not, you might add a gender-neutral interest to your activities, something like photography.

I understand how you feel. It really sucks when you want so much to be in a relationship and you really try to work out the right formula (since it seems to be working for everyone else) but you still go unnoticed. Even as a pretty girl, this has been happening to me for years. I wish I had the answer for you, I really hope you find someone soon!

I know it isn't the worst thing but on days like today when I talked to a few buddies throughout the week and asked them what they were up to over the weekend and it's: "Oh my girlfriend and I..."

I understand, I'd want to as well but it just seems like it's every time so then I'm stuck doing nothing.

Now the question I had is when you said you were single for 52 years, did u also never have a male friend? See my issue is I don't even have a friend. The only women in my life are my family. I'm dead serious too. I wish I wasn't making it up. I just don't get it though to be honest.

See I was picked on in school and in high school I ended up turning into a ghost. I wasn't picked on but I was invisible. In fact, when I broke my leg one year and was out for a week, no one even noticed...a popular kid gets in a car accident and is in the hospital and the whole school has counseling available (kid was just fine).

Because of that I never went to prom, let alone even ask someone, and that's another day I would love to forget, especially when I couldn't even look out my window without seeing some neighbors in my class taking pictures and filing into the limo.

College was better but I still could never break through. I would never get personal, it always would be about class and then the one time I thought I was going somewhere with it, the girl gets engaged over the weekend.

Anyway thanks for your replies, I do feel better that I'm able to have a conversation with someone, in fact I wish they had something an instant messenger where you could chat with someone on your issue.

Have a good night.

Don't stop putting yourself out there, but remember you're playing the odds. Try not to take rejections personally, because you're just looking for that one.

I'd suggest highlighting your uniqueness, vs trying to appeal to a broad audience. I wish you the best, but no relationship is better than a bad one.

Sometimes just the writing, typing, talking...whatever it takes to get your thoughts out...can help so much. I hope it did for you. Your post makes me sad but let me point out something from the other side--from someone who recently celebrated her wedding anniversary of over 15 yrs.

I love my husband dearly and we have had our ups and downs but have a good relationship on the whole. Also we have 3 wonderful kids...but even with this wonderful family, i still struggle with loneliness and depression. I have a hard time making and keeping friends outside of my family--and his family doesn't like me a whole lot, i don't think. A lot of it is my social awkwardness and my husband's anti-social-ness...if that is a word. His job is high stress and he often doesn't have a lot of extra energy for his family's drama, which can be quite dramatic at times.

I done my best to come to peace with this but it is hard sometimes. Right now i can't remember the last time i had a friend call me to do anything outside of family. I really don't have any friends outside of my family. I have poured my whole life into my hubby and kids and have no energy for anything else. But sometimes i do long for a friend. I have blundered my way out of most friendships i have had. Or the drama got too complicated and i walked away.

I guess my rambling all to say that i don't know that in the long run a girlfriend would solve your loneliness. I don't have a lot of answers though. My hubby loves me as much as i love him i believe...but he sometimes just can't touch the aspie part of me. When i am melting down and can't speak because i am panicking, just shaking and trying to shut the world out because it is too much for my senses...that is a place he can't go and he can't comfort. It is my own road to walk and it is a lonely one. I am sorry i can't offer any more help than this. I have come to a peace in a way about it--i guess someday when we get to "the end of all things" to quote Frodo Baggins, I may find the reason this is the hand i was dealt. So i do my best and carry on.

^^^ hugs

I relate completely. I don't see it as a road we must walk alone though. Why else are we on WP?

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I can 100% to how you feel. It is especially hard when you are in your 20's and there is so much pressure to socialize and find a mate and go out all the time. It is soul-crushing to feel like the odd man out, like the world is moving on without you. The only hope I have to offer you is this: you are not alone. There are a lot single 20-something's, male and female, aspie and NT. And things will change as you get older. If you keep trying to figure out dating, you will. I'm in my early 30's and I'm still trying to figure it all out. But bit by bit the picture keeps becoming clearer. I believe things will change for you.

I don't know if that hug was for me or JP but i'll take one too. thank you, i think i need one. Fall is a horrible time for me with anxiety and i am feeling pretty alone. The other thing about having a family is that you can't fall apart--they need you. It's good in some ways--it makes you get out of bed in the morning, but it's so hard to hide how hard it is right now.

I am finding a lot of good information on WP and people who struggle with similar things as me, which is comforting. I find the sheer size of the site and amount of conversations overwhelming though.

A few thoughts:


1. Have you had a friend take a look at your profiles? The photos, the text, etc., a little editing/polishing/picking of a more flattering photo can make all the difference in the world.

2. Love isn't a zero-sum game. The fact that your friends are coupled up in no way, shape or form means you are less likely to ever find a partner.

3. Everybody gets picked on in high school. Let. It. Go. So you didn't peak in high school!

4. You're isolating yourself by avoiding all your friends (and social media) because they have girlfriends... all those girlfriends probably have a single friend/sister/cousin/classmate they might be willing to introduce you to!

Although I don't agree with everything, thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

1. Yep. Many times. In fact the kid who told both me and the recent friend who finally got a girlfriend to start a Tinder, did both of our profiles because he was getting hits left and right when he was using it (and then found someone himself, so he quit it and tried to help us out) The other kid got hits, I never even got 1.

2. That's my hope but it's just feels horrible to know that seemingly everyone I know that's my age has at least a friend that's a girl.

3. Definitely not true at all. Many people were looked up to like they were God so that's not even close to being true.

4. I can't tell you the countless times this has been attempted. One time one of my best friend's girlfriend tried to get me to meet her best friend of 15 years. Obviously she thought I would be perfect for her and trusted me because why else would she tell her best friend of 15 years that I was the guy. I was going to meet her at the party my buddy was gonna throw for New Year's. She ended up not even coming to the party and gave a complete bs excuse to my buddy's girlfriend and even she was pissed.

It just never works out.

1. Never done the Tinder thing, so can't speak to that but have had luck w/OKC and POF. I tended to take a few months break if I wasn't having any luck and then start a NEW profile, ie not just updating the old one. The "system" remembers whose contacted whom in the past, so the new profile's a fresh (and thus immensely helpful) start.

2. You're free to feel horrible but it really, truly isn't a zero-sum game. If you're looking to meet girls (friends + potential dates), going to activities at your school that are likely to be mostly-girls is a good place to start.

My grad school did free arts/crafts from 8-10 on Friday and Saturday nights (I went pretty much every single week, before hitting the bars and it was 99.9% girls. Low-key, easy place to chat with strangers -- you're sitting at tables for maybe 10, are doing something with your hands (gluing sequins or Popsicle sticks or whatever) and have a pretext for chatting ("where are the sequins?", "please pass the glue?", "why does this look like it was created by a banana slug w/below average intelligence?").

My undergrad had an international students union that did weekly salsa nights -- sooo much fun, despite being uncoordinated + not a foreign student. Ditto beginners ballet. Almost all girls. Surely yours does stuff like this too.

3. Never really considered any high schoolers god-like in HS. No opportunity for anyone to demonstrate godlike behavior -- getting elected to homecoming court, getting the lead in the musical, having a prom date sure ain't godlike. It's also pretty likely you won't remember anybody's name four years from now.

(When my BFF came to visit me in grad school, she was all "OMFG, I ran into Scott, who dropped out of college and was the cashier at the grocery store and gained, like, a million lbs. told him you had a scholarship, spent summer at Lockheed, etc"... and I was all "Scott, who?". Literally forgot the name of the kid who's broken my heart, cheated on me and wrecked my graduation party just a few years earlier, as perspective really wasn't/isn't my strong suit.

Didn't recall his name til prompted. That's karma!).

4. So ONE girl appears to have been a flake with a flimsy excuse (or maybe just other plans for that particular night) a minimum of 10 mos ago. So what? Keep trying, keep asking. It sounds as if you've been on a bunch of horrible blind dates... which are presumably anecdotes you're gonna be dining out on for YEARS.

(It's also worth noting that even if someone sets you up on a blind date with a girl they say'd be perfect for you and you meet... doesn't mean she's actually perfect for you or that you were lied to/misled on purpose. Chemistry's unpredictable. Life's unpredictable. This happens to NTs all the damn time too).

Thanks for that suggestion with the online stuff. I didn't know that it kept everything in track like that. Sadly, I'm out of school and just at work so it's increasingly difficult to find someone. And it figures the youngest lady I work with is almost 40. Also unfortunately that one girl who flaked wasn't the only time. In fact just that friend alone has tried to help me for years. I'd say the number for just him is around a dozen. Of course after I heard the reason why that girl didn't want to come to the party I was over her and glad because I wouldn't want to go out with someone like that but I just couldn't believe it was happening again. Just feels like "Is there something wrong with me that I can't see."

Thanks for the help, I'll try that out and see if it brings some result.

Get a mail order bride. If they want a husband that can provide and you want a marriage, than you can make it happen.

Anyone who thinks ill of the idea around you the only thing they will be is jealous when you got a cute Asian wife by your side.

The odds on Tinder and OkCupid are typically stacked against men and in favour of women. I wouldn't take them as an accurate portrayal as many women are inactive on them.

Online dating websites can be very impersonal.

I was just about to suggest something similar until I read this post.

I was in a similar situation to the OP, spent years alone, wanted a GF more than anything, then had a brief relationship with a girl who wasn't right for me that was awful (in which I learned that being with the wrong girl is worse than being single).

Anyway, my plan is slightly different to a mail order bride. Go onto Facebook and friend a girl who wants to get into your country. OP, you have so much to offer a girl, like permanent residence in your country for example.

It's what I've been doing. As much as I wanted a cute Asian wife, I had to settle for a cute Filipina when I realized that most of the Chinese weren't open to dating white dudes. Filipinas just about idolize white dudes (bonus points if you have blue eyes like me).

I've been chatting up a very kind and loving Philippine girl. She's all in favour of being in a relationship with me, trouble is I have to wait a few months to save up for her Visa. Good thing you have a job OP, you should be able to save up some money.