What's with the really short exchanges with online dating?

Page 1 of 2 [ 24 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Lukeda420
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,640
Location: Chicago suburbs.

12 Oct 2015, 8:36 pm

For some reason the majority of girls I exchange messages with online will respond three or four times and then disappear. I don't understand why this happens so often. I'm always polite so there is no way I creeped them out or anything. I don't know why they respond in the first place if they don't want to talk. The fact that I'm talking to them on an online dating site should signal that I have a romantic interest in the person. It's usually only 7 or 8 messages between us before it stops, so there is not even enough to get glimpse of what each other are like. It's frustrating, I'm not a very good writer and it takes a lot of effort to compose a message, even a short one. So the fact that it takes me so much makes it frustrating to have to deal with these short conversations that don't go anywhere. Or worse yet getting a response that makes no attempt to reciprocate the conversation. I don't know, I might just be ranting.



ForRetail
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 11 Oct 2015
Age: 43
Posts: 18

12 Oct 2015, 8:55 pm

Lukeda420 wrote:
For some reason the majority of girls I exchange messages with online will respond three or four times and then disappear. I don't understand why this happens so often. I'm always polite so there is no way I creeped them out or anything. I don't know why they respond in the first place if they don't want to talk. The fact that I'm talking to them on an online dating site should signal that I have a romantic interest in the person. It's usually only 7 or 8 messages between us before it stops, so there is not even enough to get glimpse of what each other are like. It's frustrating, I'm not a very good writer and it takes a lot of effort to compose a message, even a short one. So the fact that it takes me so much makes it frustrating to have to deal with these short conversations that don't go anywhere. Or worse yet getting a response that makes no attempt to reciprocate the conversation. I don't know, I might just be ranting.


If you don't like the response you get -- "that makes no attempt to reciprocate the conversation" -- you aren't obligated to respond. Why bother expending words and electrons on a girl who clearly isn't whatever it is you are looking for?

Sending and responding to messages on an online dating site certainly signals romantic interest. I'm assuming you get messages from girls you're not interested in, in addition to the ones you've deemed substandard.

As for why the girls stop responding after just a few messages, there are an infinite number of reasons, including but by no means limited to:

1. You're messages aren't as polite as you think they are.
2. You respond so quickly that it spooks them.
3. You wait so long to respond that they think you're not that interested.
4. They've met someone and decided to be exclusive with them and thus are no longer interested in you.
5. Their computer and cell phone were stolen and they cannot access the Internet.
6. Exchanging a total of 7-8 messages is enough to decide they don't like you.
7. They died or were seriously injured in an accident, ie comatose and unable to respond, have amnesia, etc.
8. They've detected that you've "deemed them substandard" or are likely to and are no longer interested.
9. They sense you're judgemental and lose interest as a result.

Perhaps you should "invest" less in each casual email exchange, because even exchanging 10 or 20 messages doesn't guarantee that any one girl will want to meet you in IRL... so you'll be less likely to take a normal part of online dating as "rejection".



Lukeda420
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,640
Location: Chicago suburbs.

12 Oct 2015, 8:59 pm

Really, What are you doing? Just go away katy.



Lukeda420
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,640
Location: Chicago suburbs.

12 Oct 2015, 9:02 pm

By the way, I don't think you know how quotations work.



ForRetail
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 11 Oct 2015
Age: 43
Posts: 18

12 Oct 2015, 9:03 pm

You have such a way with words that it's baffling why girls aren't throwing themselves at you, based on your thoughtful messages and online profile alone!



Earthling
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Aug 2015
Posts: 3,450

12 Oct 2015, 9:12 pm

This seems like solid advice to me.
What did I miss?



Lukeda420
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,640
Location: Chicago suburbs.

12 Oct 2015, 9:54 pm

It's a troll. There's a lot of conjecture in that response. For one thing she's calling me judgemental based off of nothing. And there is also the misleading technique of putting quotations around phrases that were never said.



ForRetail
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 11 Oct 2015
Age: 43
Posts: 18

12 Oct 2015, 9:57 pm

Lukeda420 wrote:
It's a troll. There's a lot of conjecture in that response. For one thing she's calling me judgemental based off of nothing. And there is also the misleading technique of putting quotations around phrases that were never said.


Quotes taken directly from your first post dude.



Venger
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,519

12 Oct 2015, 10:39 pm

Lukeda420 wrote:
It's usually only 7 or 8 messages between us before it stops, so there is not even enough to get glimpse of what each other are like.


They probably think it means that the two of you are "getting serious" for some reason if the number of messages hits the double-digits. :roll:



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,121
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

12 Oct 2015, 11:12 pm

Your lucky you got 7 or 8 messages. I would usually get one or two replies before they quit messaging me.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


yellowtamarin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,763
Location: Australia

12 Oct 2015, 11:58 pm

You could ignore the bulk of ForRetail's reply if you like, but there are 9 points in there that directly attempt to answer your query. Possible reasons why this is happening to you. Of course the chance of people dying being the reason it happens so often is almost zero, but there are definitely a few options there that could point to the main reason.

Number 6 is a bit broad to really help (and could be due to another option like 1, 2, 3, 8 or 9) but I think it is most likely the reason. If you are polite, then it's not because you are impolite, but it's probably something else in the way you are communicating with them (btw, there are other ways to creep someone out other than being impolite). There's no way to know without seeing examples of the messages you send.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,886
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

13 Oct 2015, 1:21 am

It happens because there are like 20 online guys for every online girl there.



izzeme
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Apr 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,665

13 Oct 2015, 2:32 am

After 7-8 messages (4 on each side), you should have at least implied wanting to meet up offline soon, if not directly offered/asked by your 5th message.
Online dating is just a crutch, a way to ease over the first 5 minutes you'd normally have in a bar/train/busstop/wherever, the website shouldn't take over part of dating, just enable it to start.

I have made this mistake myself as well, several times, and one such girl was generous enough to tell me this in so many words (when i got a bit frustrated and asked after the 'flaked').

in short: you are too passive, meet IRL sooner rather than later



SwissPagan
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jan 2015
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 316

13 Oct 2015, 2:53 am

better than me, I seldom make it past 4 messages, and we rarely if ever get into a topic that is fun to talk about... its all small talk, no, depth... nothing, and Of course, bored with small talk, I can't wow anyone, Internet dating is BS...



Stargazer43
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Nov 2011
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,604

13 Oct 2015, 5:54 am

Are those 7-8 messages short one-sentence replies, or are they a few paragraphs a piece? If the former, then they're probably not interested and just replying to be polite, or your messages are not conducive to conversation. If the latter, then you should have asked them to meet up by that point, and they probably stopped because they got tired of waiting for you to.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,886
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

13 Oct 2015, 6:08 am

izzeme wrote:

in short: you are too passive, meet IRL sooner rather than later



Yes, otherwise it is a waste of time, even if they were still replying you. No matter how much she likes you online, even after months of exchange, once she meets you and if she feels 'no chemistry' (a codename used by many women as a polite non-pervert version of 'no sexual attraction') then she'll stop it next day or tells you she's not interested.