Should I be with an older woman?

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nurseangela
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28 Nov 2015, 6:25 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
First, some back story. Up until about a month ago I was involved with this very pretty girl from the Philippines, I drove to see her parents in Victoria, I had their blessing, I was saving up for her marriage visa. The girl before her (Chinese girl, let's call her Mei La) wasn't very nice to me or very pretty. With Mei La I felt like I was settling and wouldn't truly be happy. My relationship with Michelle was my last, best hope for happiness.

It failed. Michelle got mad at me. I said some bad things but she was still very happy up until about a week after that. Then for two days she acted very phlegmatic. Maybe because she had a new job she didn't have time to talk to me. Then, she all but ghosted me.

I was devested. After a while I went onto OKCupid. I spent a few weeks messaging girls on that. None of the girls who chatted with me were serious. Most of them wanted to talk about their interests more than dating.

Then I saw a girl who lived in the Philippines. I casually said "You're pretty. Wanna live in Australia? I'll buy you a Visa". She casually replied with "Sure". It was a few hours before she was asking for my last name so she could insert Mrs in front of it.

No problem right? 22 year old girl, not as pretty as Michelle but still fairly cute. After two days, something went wrong. She said that now she was "really falling for me" (she hadn't before?)

She said she was shy about her looks so she had been using her younger sister's OKCupid account. She said her sister told her to be honest. So she was honest. She's 31 years old. The prospect of being with a girl who's in her 30s fills me with horror. It seems so old. But then I remember while I may have the maturity of a 20 year old I'm actually 28. But with her I could never experience being with a girl in her 20s (Mei La doesn't count because we only got to 2nd base).

As for the older woman, let's call her Mary, she had yet another dark secret. She already had a kid. What is they say about women who have already given birth? Like throwing a baseball through a barn door?

I think she actually wants to bring her kid over. Raising my own kids would already be bad enough. I can't stand kids but the consolation is that with my own kid I'd at least be winning the game of evolution. With her 7 year old daughter, I'd be letting her ex win at evolution.

I have no ill will towards the poor child. I feel a bit sorry for her growing up in poverty so I sent some money to pay for her antibiotics. And what about Mary? What does she look like? She looks like a woman who's in her 30s. The horror!

Her personality is actually not that bad. She tends to cry a lot and she's a bit accident prone but she's OK. She's a lot more easy going than Michelle. Withh Michelle it was quite easy to offend her with my words. One day she would say something makes her mad, the next day she would say it's fine and discuss it openly and then when I try to discuss it the day after that she said it made her mad again. Why did Michelle have to be so inconsistant? Mostly she got mad about stuff related to sex and contraception. She was more interested in cuddling than sex. She talked endlessly about how she wanted someone to hug her and kiss her. I think she was a bit loved starved. She missed human contact after her last boyfriend dumped her. She had little interest in sex. She was very loving and sweet and passionate. But she was also a fiery one. She was small but fierce. She was very determined when it came to her job.

Mary doesn't anger easily. Mary doesn't mind talking openly about sex. It doesn't anger her and most of the time she's the one who actually brings the subject up. She's not so fiery, more like she's submissive. She says she'll have my breakfast ready before I wake up. She knows a lot of recipes. Michelle said she would cook for me and iron for me but she doesn't know many recipes. Michelle said she would do anything for the people she loves but it was just talk. When Mary says she will do anything for me she means it quit literally.

She follows my orders to the letter and calls me boss without meaning it sarcastically. Michelle was thin, Mary, not so thin. Now most girls would get offended when a guy tells them to go on a diet. Not Mary. I told her to eat only one meal per day. "Yes boss" she happily replied. Now she's on one slice of bread per day (her idea, not mine).

Mary seems very loving. She keeps on saying she loves me. She just doesn't seem as passionate about it. Not as fiery. Her phone calls are sickening sweet. Then again my phone calls with Michelle were cold as ice. Michelle's passion only extends as far as text. However, Michelle was a very nice sounding voice. Mary sounds like she's trying to a cute sounding voice and failing at it. She tries to do the ABG (Asian Baby Girl) voice. Mei La was an expert at this. Mary isn't. Michelle spoke in her natural tone of voice at all times.

Now talking to Mary only reminds me of how much I miss Michelle. She had personality. She was interesting. And her looks? I cannot overemphasize how amazing her looks are. She was waaaay out of my league. My friends were very impressed when they saw her pictures. Last year she went in a beauty pageant. She won it. She actually looked good enough to win a beauty pagent. I was going to spend my life with a beauty pageant winner. All in the past now, Michelle is gone. Her family was disappointed in her for leaving me because they really liked me.

So Mary? Nice girl but she feels like settling. She's too old. She probably used to be cute but not now. I used to think that I would have to settle because the perfect girl doesn't exist. That was before I knew of Michelle. There is a perfect girl and she dumped me.

Mary has a nice personality and she could do my ironing. Cooking? It would be nice if I didn't have to eat takeout all the time. How I miss home cooking. Sex would no issue for her. She has no problem with contraceptives (unlike Michelle who says they're bad, then says they're OK).

But I just have a hard time seeing me spending my life with Mary. I wouldn't mind having a brief relationship with her but the visa requires me to marry her. I wish I could marry Michelle instead.

So am I being shallow, getting hung up on looks and age? Or is it better for me not to settle with Mary? I know it's bad to settle but I feel like if I don't settle, if I don't draw the line somewhere I could be an old man before I meet a girl who's not settling. I have already used up a third of my life and I don't want to use up the rest of it. When I meet the girl for me, I want to have a lot of years left to spend with her. The years after 70 aren't much good due to failing health and mind. I have 42 years left. I don't want to spend a large fraction of that searching for a girl who isn't "settling".

Michelle is gone, probably. I had a brief conversation with her in which she said she forgave me. I asked her if she was willing to come back to me and she said she would talk to me at a time when she's not trying to sleep. I forgot about the timezone difference. She said would could chat tomorrow. That was a few days ago. She has not responded. I told her she could chat when she was "ready". That could take years.

Even talking to Mary makes me feel like I'm cheating on Michelle. I feel like I'm doing something immoral even though I'm not currently in a relationship with Michelle. Perhaps Michelle doesn't have time for me because her new job has very long hours, six days per week. I told her she shouldn't bother, she should just get a job here, I told her she's better off getting $17 per hour here than $2 per hour there.

I feel so conflicted. Maybe I should stop being shallow about looks and age and go with the older woman. Or maybe I should stop trying to settle and wait for a girl who feels right for me. It seems like that girl could only be Michelle. When I look into other girls' eyes, I just see Michelle. She was the only girl meant for me. If she doesn't come back maybe I'm better of spending my life alone.


8O Wth! My mouth is actually hanging open after reading this. Is this really how Aspie men think about women and marriage? This is messed up! You're going from one to the other and what they will be able to do for you - cooking, cleaning, sex, who looks best, you're having to settle. No mention about feelings or love and what you can give back to the relationship. The whole thing is very cold and calculating. I wouldn't want any part of it. You're better off staying single - you still have some growing up to do.

And another thing, I'm older than you and I'm beautiful. You'd be damn lucky to have an older woman like me, but you're too young for me. Sorry.


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Last edited by nurseangela on 28 Nov 2015, 6:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

RetroGamer87
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28 Nov 2015, 6:26 pm

nurseangela wrote:
I just read this and you sound like a 2 yr old. You are definitely NOT ready for any relationship.
Of course I'm not ready for a relationship. That's why I need experience. I can't be ready for a relationship without actually having one. That would be like trying to learn to play the piano by only reading music theory books and expecting to play a sonata the first time you sit in front of the keys.

I want experience but that doesn't mean I want to be with lots of different girls. I'd rather pick the right one the first time (second time, the first time was Mei La and we agreed that we should just be friends). I want to increase my experience with one girl and get better at being with her specifically, not increase my experience with lots of different girls. I don't want to be a mimbo. I want stability.

You are well within your rights to criticise me if you like, I can take it but please bear in mind the reason I ask for dating advice is being I'm not already an expert on dating so please don't be surprised if there are things I don't know about dating.
Kitty4670 wrote:
Why would you want to be with a woman who is using you?
I'm not sure that I do. Maybe being with her would be a mistake. I'm not sure. On the one hand I want to have compassion for her. On the other hand fools rush in were angels fear to tread. I don't want to rush into a situation that might be harmful for me.


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RetroGamer87
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28 Nov 2015, 6:37 pm

nurseangela wrote:
Is this really how Aspie men think about women and marriage?
nurseangela, you can condemn me all you like but please don't condemn other aspie men. They're not all like me, not at all. Some of them are really good guys.
nurseangela wrote:
No mention about feelings or love
You're right that feelings and love are very important. Honestly I don't express my feelings very well. As for love, I love Michelle. I didn't love Mei La when I was dating her. I don't love Mary. I think Mary loves me, that's why I'm afraid of hurting her. Even though I don't love her she's a nice and kind lady so I don't want to hurt her.
nurseangela wrote:
No mention about feelings or love and what you can give back to the relationship. The whole thing is very cold and calculating.
You are right that I should think of what I can give the girl, not what the girl can give me.

What can I do for the one I love? Pay for her visa? Remove her from poverty. Give her the children she wanted. I don't like kids that much but Michelle wanted kids so much that I didn't want to disappoint her. Most of all want Michelle wanted from me was to be loved back. I think she cared about that more than anything else. I was going to give her as much as I could.


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wilburforce
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28 Nov 2015, 6:40 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Is this really how Aspie men think about women and marriage?
nurseangela, you can condemn me all you like but please don't condemn other aspie men. They're not all like me, not at all. Some of them are really good guys.
nurseangela wrote:
No mention about feelings or love
You're right that feelings and love are very important. Honestly I don't express my feelings very well. As for love, I love Michelle. I didn't love Mei La when I was dating her. I don't love Mary. I think Mary loves me, that's why I'm afraid of hurting her. Even though I don't love her she's a nice and kind lady so I don't want to hurt her.
nurseangela wrote:
No mention about feelings or love and what you can give back to the relationship. The whole thing is very cold and calculating.
You are right that I should think of what I can give the girl, not what the girl can give me.

What can I do for the one I love? Pay for her visa? Remove her from poverty. Give her the children she wanted. I don't like kids that much but Michelle wanted kids so much that I didn't want to disappoint her. Most of all want Michelle wanted from me was to be loved back. I think she cared about that more than anything else. I was going to give her as much as I could.


Please do not bring children into the world who are not really wanted. There is little you could do that is more cruel to an innocent baby then give it life that you don't care about. If you don't want kids, don't have them for yourself or anyone else's sake. It will only end badly for the kids. Please don't.



wilburforce
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28 Nov 2015, 6:47 pm

When nurseangela said you weren't ready for relationships, I think she meant not that you need practice being with women, but that you should probably be single for a while and work on yourself before trying to practice relationships. It sounds like you have some funny ideas about women as people and should sort that out before trying to be with them, otherwise you are likely to continue to make the women you try to have relationships with unhappy.



dcj123
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28 Nov 2015, 6:47 pm

Three years is not much of a difference, I've been with women 30 years older than me. Age doesn't matter as long as its legal, but once you cross over a 15 or 20 year mark, don't expect the relationship to last long. I have never been with anyone that was built on anything other than physical relationship when the age difference was that large.

... oh wait, I have never been with anyone outside of a purely physical relationship period.

Ah well, point being, three years isn't a big difference.



RetroGamer87
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28 Nov 2015, 6:48 pm

wilburforce wrote:
Please do not bring children into the world who are not really wanted. There is little you could do that is more cruel to an innocent baby then give it life that you don't care about. If you don't want kids, don't have them for yourself or anyone else's sake. It will only end badly for the kids. Please don't.
wilburforce you make a good point but here's the trouble.

1. Most women, no most people, want to have children. I've never dated a woman who said she didn't want to have children. Mei La wanted a child as well. I've met plenty of men who want to have kids as well, so this instinct to raise children is not specific to women.

2. Most people are shocked when I tell them I don't want kids. They think just because they want kids that means everyone does. They act like there's something wrong with me for not wanting kids. They think I should have kids anyway just to conform but I don't want to be a conformist. There's even an article on Cracked about what it's like to choose not to have kids.


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Pineapplejuicex
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28 Nov 2015, 6:52 pm

Philippines is a middle income country, like Malaysia. Healthcare's not up to US or Australian standards, but seeing a properly qualified doctor is by no means a "rare privilege". Your vision of "saving" this woman doesn't appear to be based in reality and the immigration authorities probably take a dim view of importing foreigners for dating "practice".

Your attitude towards women in general probably has a lot to do with why the ones who have met you want so little to do with you that you must resort to marriage visas to potentially get experience. I sincerely hope you leave the Philippine woman alone. She deserves so much better!



Kitty4670
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28 Nov 2015, 7:09 pm

DON'T Listen to other people on having children! It none of their business!



RetroGamer87
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28 Nov 2015, 7:12 pm

Pineapplejuicex wrote:
Philippines is a middle income country
Try telling them that. They're the ones who tell me how poor they are. They're the ones who tell me of people starving in the streets. They're the ones who tell me they want to leave.

I'm sure there are rich people and middle class people in the Philippines but compared with Australia they have a much higher income disparity. It's a country without unemployment benefits or universal healthcare. If they don't find work, they don't eat. If they can't pay, they can't see a doctor.

Both girls showed me pictures of their houses. They're slums. Please have some compassion for these paupers. Even if the Philippines has a high average income, it's not high for these girls. Michelle gets $2 per hour and she considers herself lucky to have employment in a country with more workers than jobs.

A lot of them resort to going to work in Kuwait for years at a time so they can send money back to their families.
Pineapplejuicex wrote:
Healthcare's not up to US or Australian standards, but seeing a properly qualified doctor is by no means a "rare privilege".
Not for those with money. If it's not rare than why am I paying doctor fees for both these girls?

Maybe they can see an obstatrician but that doesn't mean they get kegel exercises and lamaze class. Those things would be considered non-essential.
Pineapplejuicex wrote:
the immigration authorities probably take a dim view of importing foreigners for dating "practice".
Not for practice. I want a lifelong relationship with the right girl. Anyway, there are a lot of Philippine women married to Australian men. I've met several of them in Australia.
Pineapplejuicex wrote:
Your attitude towards women in general probably has a lot to do with why the ones who have met you want so little to do with you that you must resort to marriage visas to potentially get experience.
Yes but what caused my attitude towards women? Two factors.

1. Men
2. Women

It's like a feedback loop. At least when I was with Mei La I was actually with her, in the same house. Being an Australian born Chinese girl, she had to deal with some shady guys who said they loved her but really just wanted to use her because she has permanent residence.
Pineapplejuicex wrote:
I sincerely hope you leave the Philippine woman alone. She deserves so much better!
Maybe I will and maybe she does. But if I leave her she will cry for days.


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Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 28 Nov 2015, 7:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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28 Nov 2015, 7:16 pm

Kitty4670 wrote:
DON'T Listen to other people on having children! It none of their business!
But I must. I listened to Mei La, Michelle and Mary when they spoke about having children. You see when it's the girl you're involved with, it is their business.


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nurseangela
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28 Nov 2015, 7:26 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Is this really how Aspie men think about women and marriage?
nurseangela, you can condemn me all you like but please don't condemn other aspie men. They're not all like me, not at all. Some of them are really good guys.
nurseangela wrote:
No mention about feelings or love
You're right that feelings and love are very important. Honestly I don't express my feelings very well. As for love, I love Michelle. I didn't love Mei La when I was dating her. I don't love Mary. I think Mary loves me, that's why I'm afraid of hurting her. Even though I don't love her she's a nice and kind lady so I don't want to hurt her.
nurseangela wrote:
No mention about feelings or love and what you can give back to the relationship. The whole thing is very cold and calculating.
You are right that I should think of what I can give the girl, not what the girl can give me.

What can I do for the one I love? Pay for her visa? Remove her from poverty. Give her the children she wanted. I don't like kids that much but Michelle wanted kids so much that I didn't want to disappoint her. Most of all want Michelle wanted from me was to be loved back. I think she cared about that more than anything else. I was going to give her as much as I could.


Why are you so hung up with these women from another country? It sounds like you want to be their savior instead of findng a real relationship based on love and committment.


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


RetroGamer87
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28 Nov 2015, 7:31 pm

nurseangela wrote:
Why are you so hung up with these women from another country?
Asian fetish
nurseangela wrote:
It sounds like you want to be their savior instead of findng a real relationship based on love and committment.
Well at first I wanted them to save me from being single but after I read How to Win Friends and Influence People I realized that I should focus not on what they can do for me but what I can do for them.


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nurseangela
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28 Nov 2015, 7:35 pm

You're going to be the one who makes the decision in the end so goodluck to you. You're much braver than me.


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I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
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28 Nov 2015, 7:36 pm

You're going to be the one who makes the decision in the end so goodluck to you. You're much braver than me.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


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28 Nov 2015, 8:55 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Michelle lives in poverty as well. I don't understand why she's now choosing to stay in poverty. I could have given her wealth and stability.

This says a lot!