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Meltdowns in a relationship

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graspofgreen
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 3 Dec 2015
Age: 36
Posts: 2
Location: Gent, Belgium

04 Dec 2015, 2:22 pm

Laurentius wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
Laurentius wrote:
Oh, and for the record; it was triggered during an argument which became a slanging match between the two of us. Maybe I should have put that in the original post. Again, not a justification, just context. I know what I did was wrong. It is why I came here asking for advice in the first place.


Well, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are able to observe your own behaviour honestly and insightfully. I think you should be able to work out your problems as long as you keep openly communicating with each other and are forgiving of each other's shortcomings (we all have them) and mistakes (we all make them).



We've worked hard through that incident, and we're back to normal, albeit, with some more openness and obviously better communication, and talking about it regularly, especially when she has questions about it. I've tried my best to assure that it doesn't happen again.


OMG this whole conversation between you two sounds just like what me and my girlfriend (both having autism) are going through too often recently. I want to acknowledge, and it sounds like justification. I'm guessing now, that it's really f-ing important to weigh your words as to not try to justify things; any thing really: because when you're in that defense zone, things feel as though they need defense. I got the theory better than the practice, myself, though. That's what got me looking through this thread in the first place. Any tips on avoiding justification? Or seeing it in your reactions at such a time that you can still prevent reacting in a justifying way? Or do you have another opinion alltogether?

Edit: I meant the conversation where you started about justification and Laurentius saying it's not justification. It's so damn recognisable and it leads you further down the rat hole (I say rat, because rabbit's are way too cute for this topic ;)). At least in my experience so far.

Also, I think the post by AR1500 (or something alike, my memory leaves me) really might touch the core. Painful thruth, but when you face it, it gives you the way out.
Waterfalls put it beautifully: "Which means being vulnerable and giving her respect and trust. If you want her to trust you, that's essential."

Though this topic brought me some insight, I'm still wondering how to deal with this, since it's a thing that came back to me from previous relationships. It just hit me today when we were discussing it on the phone, me and my girlfriend, that what she said was something I did allready in another relationship. That made me trace it back to myself en to my tendency to try and explain myself. My girlfriend seems to have this, too, and I sometimes just kiss her to tell her: "It's okay, you don't need to explain." She likes that a lot. But now it kinda feels like I can't explain too much, because that drives her nuts sometimes.

That insecurity might be the key, sounds really interesting as an idea here. Because it's basically that I want her to understand so that she doesn't get annoyed. But that explanation and justification is the more annoying bit of conversation; it seems like simply allowing the possible misunderstanding works better. But on the other hand, I'm so very lucky to have a girl that really does understand me, and I her. Where really on the same wavelength (of the spectrum, you could even say). Or is that a proverb we only know in dutch? :p

It was educative for me to read your posts and thoughts on this related issue, and I hope my story helps someone on their way also ;)