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Feeling undatable

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Aristophanes
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07 Jan 2016, 3:06 pm

AuroraBorealisGazer wrote:
I can relate.
Where are all of the compatible guys hiding? :?


Well all the guys are actually hiding out here. But compatibility, um, yeah-- you'll need a different site for that.



Sabreclaw
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07 Jan 2016, 3:18 pm

Aristophanes wrote:
slw1990 wrote:
I assumed that they were targeting me. It's been a long time since this happened, but it seems like the few times me and a guy would just talk other women would start to show interest in him when they didn't seem to before. It also seemed like they would become more and more persistent until the guy would be with them and at the same time they would act rude to me so I felt targeted. I sometimes worry about it happening again. It's stressful it makes it hard to trust someone.


Yep, that's the "game", it's an illogical courting ritual left over from millions of years of animal evolution-- it seems ridiculous to most autistics, but most NT's still need to play the game. You have to have a certain mentality to play the game properly, and I can tell you it's far different than your normal personality but it can be learned.

In the situation you described you don't worry about how the other woman feels, you don't worry about what he thinks, you worry about your wants and yours alone. So, you have to tell yourself: I found him, I seduced him, I got him primed for romance, and I'm not gonna let some other b***h come in and take him when I did all the hard work. So you defend your territory. I'm not exactly sure how women fight in this situation because I'm not one, but I know it happens because the only friends I seem to keep long term are female and they complain about it all the time. You'd know more than I, but I can tell you it is about defending your territory, yes, like an animal. This not only gets rid of the competition it also displays the level of interest you have in the potential suitor. If you just walk away of course he's going to talk to the other female, she's there and he now assumes you weren't all that interested anyways.

We may have left the jungle, but that doesn't mean the jungle left us.


Ugh. Every time I hear about this "game" all I can think of is how much stupid it sounds. I feel dating should be avoided entirely and a couple should grow together in a more natural environment - starting as acquaintances, moving on to friends, then best friends, then romance.



slw1990
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07 Jan 2016, 4:22 pm

AuroraBorealisGazer wrote:
That's sound awful. I can see why you'd want to avoid it.
I know you have to play to a degree, by attracting them in the first place, but I hate that it becomes nothing more than a competition. Because a competition is a game and a game means that it isn't genuine.


Yeah, it would be hard to trust someone when it would seem like they would always be showing interest in someone else or vice versa. It just seems like a lot of people don't really want a relationship and they just want to see how many people they can attract and who they can hurt in the process so even when guys seem to do that I don't want much to do with them. I just wouldn't want to be involved in it. It's stressful and even if I "won" I would probably feel guilty.



Aristophanes
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07 Jan 2016, 5:28 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
Ugh. Every time I hear about this "game" all I can think of is how much stupid it sounds. I feel dating should be avoided entirely and a couple should grow together in a more natural environment - starting as acquaintances, moving on to friends, then best friends, then romance.


Yep, it's pretty silly and kind of sick: it's built on distrust, manipulation, and power, kind of like politics. It should also be noted that modern dating behaviors are nothing like they were even 50 years ago. Things were much simpler and honest back then. Of course women had no rights then, and men were even more caveman like, so there's a tradeoff.

slw1990 wrote:
Yeah, it would be hard to trust someone when it would seem like they would always be showing interest in someone else or vice versa. It just seems like a lot of people don't really want a relationship and they just want to see how many people they can attract and who they can hurt in the process so even when guys seem to do that I don't want much to do with them. I just wouldn't want to be involved in it. It's stressful and even if I "won" I would probably feel guilty.


I'm of the opinion most NT's don't actually feel guilt, they merely display it for social gain. Autistics though, we tend to feel everything and have no outlet to express those feelings-- hence the "autistics are emotionless" phrase. Good to know I was right in my initial assumption: you care more about emotion and personal connection than vanity. You sound like a really sweet girl, don't let the disgusting aspects of dating change that.



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07 Jan 2016, 5:30 pm

Why do you think being soft spoken creeps people out?
The guys who seem nice but you think are creeped out by you, do they dent your confidence around them from there on in?


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sly279
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07 Jan 2016, 5:45 pm

slw1990 wrote:
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What kind of guys do you feel attracted to, do you have a sense of what you would like to find in someone to date? For what its worth, as Drawyer said, i think you would be a catch :)


I usually like guys who are kind of like me. I'm just not really sure where to meet them besides here though. I tried online dating a few years ago hoping to find guys like that, but some of the guys that I met seemed sketchy or predatory and the others that seemed interested I didn't feel compatible with them. My roommate has mentioned dance classes a couple of times and I went with her before a few years ago and it seemed like a lot of they guys there were a lot more sociable than me and it sometimes would feel stressful when she wasn't around. I'm in a adult women's autism group right now. I think men are welcomed, but I've been going for to it for over a year and no men have ever came and I don't know of any other local adult autism groups.

Aristophanes wrote:
Second, realize that the girls who are hostile towards you are jealous. It is competition, and apparently you threaten them. You have something you don't see in yourself, but they see it, and they're scared the hot guy they want will see it too. You need to realize it actually means you're doing something right, not something wrong.


I assumed that they were targeting me. It's been a long time since this happened, but it seems like the few times me and a guy would just talk other women would start to show interest in him when they didn't seem to before. It also seemed like they would become more and more persistent until the guy would be with them and at the same time they would act rude to me so I felt targeted. I sometimes worry about it happening again. It's stressful it makes it hard to trust someone.


My sisters friends do this, they'll talk bad about a guy then when my sister shows some or any interest in him, all of a sudden they'll asking him to go places without them alone and flirting with him. once my sister gives up, the friends drop the guy and go back to paying him no attention.

I don't understand it. Though I'm quiet jealous of the the attention the guy gets for s while. I've never had women's attention.

One idea might be to go for the guys no other woman want and see as worthless.

On another interesting note I've heard people say that guys become more sought after when their with a gf because women want what they can't have. Perhaps it's the same thing as this



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07 Jan 2016, 6:36 pm

slw1990 wrote:
It seems like a lot of people, especially guys, act very uncomfortable and serious around me. They avoid looking at me, give me strange looks and act indifferent towards me while acting very friendly towards other people. A lot of people seem to target me and feel sorry for me too and I'm not going to be able to relate to someone if they feel sorry for me. I know some people are jerks and I try to avoid them, but it seems like a lot of people that really are nice treat me differently too like they are creeped out by me or something. The few guys that seem interested in me seem like they might just want to use me and lose interest once another girl is around. I think part of what might creep people out is that I'm so soft spoken, but I don't always realize how quiet I really am. I usually have pretty good posture though and I smile if someone else is smiles back, but a lot of people still feel sorry for me. Any advice would be appreciated.


As others have mentioned, the display of confidence is #1 in establishing relationships of any kind. It sucks given that AS gives off the wrong signals that are read as the person not being confident or interested in interacting ...and that over time becomes true lack of confidence due to said inability to establish a relationship of any kind.

Like you, I'm often told I speak too softly and that im too quiet. *shrug* dunno what to say... I don't see a need to raise my voice so those farther than 2 meters from me can hear a conversation not meant for them nor do I see the purpose in just talking about random, pointless nonsense (small talk)... when I need to say something I say it.

Observe the hypersocial/'crowd' people and you will notice they speak too loudly, talk nonsense the majority of the time and overall perform social behaviors that everyone knows everyone is doing just to go through the motions to be social...its like some kind of mass psychotic delusion. 8O



Aristophanes
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07 Jan 2016, 6:59 pm

Dantac wrote:
Observe the hypersocial/'crowd' people and you will notice they speak too loudly, talk nonsense the majority of the time and overall perform social behaviors that everyone knows everyone is doing just to go through the motions to be social...its like some kind of mass psychotic delusion. 8O


This is exactly why I stopped searching for a partner. I've never met an aspie girl in real life, or not one that was easily identifiable at least, and my experience with NT women is that it's all about socialization and social status. I could care less about impressing a bunch of people by repeating unimportant things and cruel behavior, I'd rather have someone that wants to spend the majority of her social time in small groups of close, trustworthy friends or as a couple. I've got a thousand interests, I want her to have a thousand interests too so that we can share and learn together. Unfortunately most NT women have very narrow interests that are almost exclusively based on social status, I know it's not polite, but it just seems utterly mindless to me. How does one get up in the morning when it's just the same repetitive BS over and over again?



slw1990
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07 Jan 2016, 7:31 pm

Aristophanes wrote:
slw1990 wrote:
Yeah, it would be hard to trust someone when it would seem like they would always be showing interest in someone else or vice versa. It just seems like a lot of people don't really want a relationship and they just want to see how many people they can attract and who they can hurt in the process so even when guys seem to do that I don't want much to do with them. I just wouldn't want to be involved in it. It's stressful and even if I "won" I would probably feel guilty.


I'm of the opinion most NT's don't actually feel guilt, they merely display it for social gain. Autistics though, we tend to feel everything and have no outlet to express those feelings-- hence the "autistics are emotionless" phrase. Good to know I was right in my initial assumption: you care more about emotion and personal connection than vanity. You sound like a really sweet girl, don't let the disgusting aspects of dating change that.


I don't think that's true that all NTs play games because I know a lot of them are in committed relationships and some of them are younger than me. But yeah, I think that might be one of the reasons why I would want to be with another autistic. They still might play games like that, but it might not be as likely to happen.

Quote:
Why do you think being soft spoken creeps people out?
The guys who seem nice but you think are creeped out by you, do they dent your confidence around them from there on in?


I guess because it makes me sound a lot younger than I really am.
If it's just one it doesn't bother me much, but if it's several it makes me feel kind of bad because I think about the reasons for why I might get treated that way.



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07 Jan 2016, 7:46 pm

The reason why I could not enter any serious relationship is that I have some phobia of me being the one who hurts the other. I found friendship with an opposite sex is hardest thing to get. It always ended up having some feelings for each other, which is why I cannot even try so-called friendship online/offline. If I could ever be sure that someone is the one then, I can start the relationship with no fear upcoming..but everybody knows that's impossible hahaha..I'm too serious about this kind of matter even though I appear to be never serious.


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Last edited by Drawyer on 07 Jan 2016, 7:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Scaevitas
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07 Jan 2016, 7:47 pm

You should date me. It'd be nice to get over that slump of 4 months, but instead of a full blown out romance, I'd prefer a friendship to build to see if things are even worth it.


:?

Take my reply with a grain of salt, I really have no idea why I'm writing this.



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07 Jan 2016, 7:48 pm

Drawyer wrote:
The reason why I could not enter any serious relationship is that I have some phobia of me being the one who hurts the other. I found friendship with an opposite sex is hardest thing to get. It always ended up having some feelings for each other, which is why I cannot even try so-called friendship online/offline. If I could ever be sure that someone is the one then, I can start the relationship with no fear upcoming..but everybody knows that's impossible hahaha..I'm too serious about this kind of matter even though I appear to be never serious.


Without a doubt, I can almost safely assure that I'd be the one doing the damage. Man. I am bad. :/ But I want to be different and good! Why am I so mehh?



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07 Jan 2016, 10:34 pm

I really wanted to respond to this, because it sounds very similar to what I went through several years back. Every response I write just doesn't sound good enough though - I'm usually really good at phrasing my thoughts on paper, but today I'm just coming up empty handed. In short, I don't think you're undateable in the least, but you do need to figure out what specifically is holding you back and see if you can figure out how to improve in that area. This is often easier said than done, and what you think is causing you problems may not be the actual issue.



slw1990
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08 Jan 2016, 12:48 am

slw1990 wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
What is it about yourself that makes you think people are feeling sorry for you?


Sometimes I don't always know how to express myself so I don't always know what to say to people right at the moment. I think it's the way I talk too because sometimes I might apologize or something and then people would feel like they need to reassure me, but they wouldn't do that to other people that did the same things.


I forgot to mention that I can have a really bad short term memory and I don't always have much common sense with things that are obvious to most people.



slw1990
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09 Jan 2016, 1:32 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
I really wanted to respond to this, because it sounds very similar to what I went through several years back. Every response I write just doesn't sound good enough though - I'm usually really good at phrasing my thoughts on paper, but today I'm just coming up empty handed. In short, I don't think you're undateable in the least, but you do need to figure out what specifically is holding you back and see if you can figure out how to improve in that area. This is often easier said than done, and what you think is causing you problems may not be the actual issue.


I think part of it might be that I might have trust issues. The other part is that most of the guys that seemed interested in me were creepy or seemed predatory. There have also been some that would somehow seem to think that I was a different person than I was. Then most other guys seem to rather be with girls who are very different from me.



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09 Jan 2016, 1:45 pm

How did they seem creepy?
Lots of us guys here are called creepy and wrote off but are really great guys.
I could see a situation where an aspie lady and aspie guy would be great for each other but due to their social disorder apear creepy to each other.


Differently needs to be to definitions of creepy, real creepy, and social misunderstood creepy.