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Stargazer43
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19 Jul 2016, 4:47 am

slw1990 wrote:
People always tell me not to care about what others think. What does that mean exactly? I can feel confident with some things, but usually not with dating or social situations.


It's hard to explain. But for example: you say you made some "mistakes" on your date: so what? If you make a social blunder, just try to laugh it off and make light of the situation. I can be pretty awkward, and I used to always worry about how I was supposed to act, how to be less awkward, and what the social "rules" were in different situations. I got along much better when I just allowed myself to be awkward, and to make those little social mistakes. In the end, you probably care far more about them than anyone around you does.

When I initially met my first girlfriend, I made pretty much the biggest blunder a person could make, but I just laughed it off and carried on. We were talking about a restaurant, and I said "Hey, your sister works there doesn't she? You said she's the head manager of the kitchen!" And of course, she replied "...I don't have a sister". I got her mixed up with someone else I was talking to on the dating site, and felt absolutely horrible. I just attributed it to the awkwardness of online dating and the fact that it's hard to get to know a person before actually meeting in person, and it was something we both laughed about later when our relationship was more established.



auntblabby
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19 Jul 2016, 4:49 am

nobody's perfect, it does no good to put our prospective dates upon a perfect pedestal, for whom we must perfectly perform to their satisfaction, it works both ways, they must take care to not drive us away themselves.



slw1990
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19 Jul 2016, 11:40 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
It's hard to explain. But for example: you say you made some "mistakes" on your date: so what? If you make a social blunder, just try to laugh it off and make light of the situation. I can be pretty awkward, and I used to always worry about how I was supposed to act, how to be less awkward, and what the social "rules" were in different situations. I got along much better when I just allowed myself to be awkward, and to make those little social mistakes. In the end, you probably care far more about them than anyone around you does.

When I initially met my first girlfriend, I made pretty much the biggest blunder a person could make, but I just laughed it off and carried on. We were talking about a restaurant, and I said "Hey, your sister works there doesn't she? You said she's the head manager of the kitchen!" And of course, she replied "...I don't have a sister". I got her mixed up with someone else I was talking to on the dating site, and felt absolutely horrible. I just attributed it to the awkwardness of online dating and the fact that it's hard to get to know a person before actually meeting in person, and it was something we both laughed about later when our relationship was more established.


I sometimes laugh it off and I don't really talk about it or anything so think I don't really show that it bothers me. It also doesn't always have to do with what other people think, but how it makes me feel.

When people bully me and treat me differently I try to ignore them and just do my own thing. It seems to happen so regularly though that it sometimes bothers me and it makes me think about why they are doing it. I'm not always sure how to not let it bother me when I get mistreated regularly.



wowiexist
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20 Jul 2016, 11:43 am

Who is it that mistreats you? Is it people at work or more like friends and family?



slw1990
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20 Jul 2016, 7:52 pm

wowiexist wrote:
Who is it that mistreats you? Is it people at work or more like friends and family?


Some of my coworkers and there's also a lot of random people who treat me that way.



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20 Jul 2016, 8:04 pm

when one is the omega at the base of the totem pole, all the $#!+ rains down on one's head from above.



slw1990
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31 Jul 2016, 1:09 am

auntblabby wrote:
when one is the omega at the base of the totem pole, all the $#!+ rains down on one's head from above.


If I do date someone and they realize that's how a lot of people treat me then they might no longer see me as an equal or want to date me.



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31 Jul 2016, 1:14 am

slw1990 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
when one is the omega at the base of the totem pole, all the $#!+ rains down on one's head from above.


If I do date someone and they realize that's how a lot of people treat me then they might no longer see me as an equal or want to date me.

those people who would turn you down just because of such a mundane earthly consideration as social status, are not worth your time and effort, IMHO. a spiritually evolved person is above such concerns. it is a numbers game, however- not many people make the grade. remember, you have options regarding other people, as well- it is not all "one-way" at your expense. at worst, it is better to be alone than to lower oneself into a more atavistic philosophy that doesn't fit you, just to have a mate.



slw1990
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31 Jul 2016, 3:31 am

I don't mean to sound negative, but if most guys seem interested it seems like they loose interest within a few minutes. It seems like the ones that do show interest like others a lot more so it seems impossible for me to ever be in a real relationship because it seems like it always happens, unless it's someone I'm not attracted to. I don't really have much experience with any kind of physical affection and it feels like I'm running out of time.



The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Jul 2016, 4:23 am

slw1990 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
slw, check my conversation with Chrono here, it is very relevant to your case too: viewtopic.php?f=6&t=322903&start=255


Sorry in advance, but I don't like to sugarcoat the obvious, even toward myself.


That sounds like how my experiences irl usually are. If someone does approach me I can't always tell whether they are flirting, making fun of me or just being friendly.


No, I wasn't talking about that.

I was referring to Chrono's post there:

"Yes, you are right, I apparently lack some quality that men find attractive, or perhaps possess some quality men find unattractive. Some women radiate femininity, and some of them don't, regardless of how they dress, or their mannerisms, and I guess I'm one of the ones who just don't, and there really isn't much I can do about that. I just don't have that feminine glow and I can't pull off girly."

I think it's must be something in your appearance (not necessarily just the looks), there's no other explication.
I suggest you start looking into this.



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31 Jul 2016, 4:39 am

boo. are you frickin kidding me. what's the matter with you? are you the grinch or what? you gotta stop haunting l&d like this


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The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Jul 2016, 5:31 am

anagram wrote:
boo. are you frickin kidding me. what's the matter with you? are you the grinch or what? you gotta stop haunting l&d like this


It's a pattern I notice in girls (and guys) who have serious struggles in dating....especially those who fail to get initial interests from the opposite sex.

She said that guys lose interest in her in mere minutes, that means that they didn't even give her a chance to get to know her personality - so the problem doesn't reside in her personality.

I have this "lack of attractiveness, masculine glow and sex appeal" myself too- so I am not mansplaining her or something, I am relate to her and familiar with her struggle.

Are we going to go PC and pretend that she has no fundamental problem?



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31 Jul 2016, 5:41 am

That's not PC, though, it's the truth--she has no problem! The problem is with the guys who won't give her a chance. And thatcs thier loss. Her posts are thoughtful, articulate, and show a need to understand feeling and place in the world. She sounds like an ideal partner. If she struggles, it's probably from not fitting a stereotype that narrow-minded people are looking for. Many people are trying to live up to an image. They think they need a certain house, kids who are a certain way, and a partner who fits with this. They are afraid of real individuality in themselves and others, because individuality means dealing with unknowns and having real confidence to live as yourself. They would miss out on what could be a very deep and fulfilling relationship with her (and many others) because they think being like everyone else will mean they are "living right."



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31 Jul 2016, 5:52 am

@boo: that is not the problem

okay, taking a step back here. it's the old "not what you say, but how you say it". it's obvious to me from my point of view, but it may not be to you

the thing is, yes, she may lack a certain kind of attribute to draw and hold people's attention. and, as you suggested, it's probably something that can't be changed. but then... that means it's just not a good idea to "look into it". it's a good idea to look elsewhere instead. and the same applies for yourself. there's no point in focusing on what can't be changed. and changing it might not even be desirable anyway. who knows if she wouldn't just be attracting guys who are actually not compatible with her (probably the case, actually)

for instance: maybe there are certain people who actually would be drawn to her in person just the way she already is, and it's more a matter of finding the right environment to facilitate the encounter. or maybe not. then there's the internet, there's other types of social interaction that don't involve dating (online or offline) and so on. you move on from what doesn't make sense to what might possibly make sense, and you keep doing it until eventually you get somewhere. that's how you solve a problem

but then instead, what you do is you just go laser-focus on whatever doesn't work, and you stay there, and you repeat the same process with anyone around. and to me that really seems to be your problem with women. you have a good sense of humor, you're smart, you're a good-looking guy, you care about social causes that matter, but you're just so negative when it comes to personal relationships

you find solutions when you realize that you have a problem to solve, not that you are a problem to solve. what i see here is that instead of doing that, you simply try to convince other people into buying a lifetime membership to your self-pity club. that's just not the way to go


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The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Jul 2016, 7:07 am

anagram wrote:
@boo: that is not the problem

okay, taking a step back here. it's the old "not what you say, but how you say it". it's obvious to me from my point of view, but it may not be to you

the thing is, yes, she may lack a certain kind of attribute to draw and hold people's attention. and, as you suggested, it's probably something that can't be changed. but then... that means it's just not a good idea to "look into it". it's a good idea to look elsewhere instead. and the same applies for yourself. there's no point in focusing on what can't be changed. and changing it might not even be desirable anyway. who knows if she wouldn't just be attracting guys who are actually not compatible with her (probably the case, actually)

for instance: maybe there are certain people who actually would be drawn to her in person just the way she already is, and it's more a matter of finding the right environment to facilitate the encounter. or maybe not. then there's the internet, there's other types of social interaction that don't involve dating (online or offline) and so on. you move on from what doesn't make sense to what might possibly make sense, and you keep doing it until eventually you get somewhere. that's how you solve a problem

but then instead, what you do is you just go laser-focus on whatever doesn't work, and you stay there, and you repeat the same process with anyone around. and to me that really seems to be your problem with women. you have a good sense of humor, you're smart, you're a good-looking guy, you care about social causes that matter, but you're just so negative when it comes to personal relationships

you find solutions when you realize that you have a problem to solve, not that you are a problem to solve. what i see here is that instead of doing that, you simply try to convince other people into buying a lifetime membership to your self-pity club. that's just not the way to go


This thread is not about me, don't derail it :P .



The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Jul 2016, 7:20 am

HighLlama wrote:
That's not PC, though, it's the truth--she has no problem! The problem is with the guys who won't give her a chance. And thatcs thier loss. Her posts are thoughtful, articulate, and show a need to understand feeling and place in the world. She sounds like an ideal partner. If she struggles, it's probably from not fitting a stereotype that narrow-minded people are looking for. Many people are trying to live up to an image. They think they need a certain house, kids who are a certain way, and a partner who fits with this. They are afraid of real individuality in themselves and others, because individuality means dealing with unknowns and having real confidence to live as yourself. They would miss out on what could be a very deep and fulfilling relationship with her (and many others) because they think being like everyone else will mean they are "living right."


Ok, so what do you suggest to her in order to get someone to like her? What are your solutions? To move to another planet where guys are less narrow-minded?