She's so upset about what everyone thinks, how could I cope?

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I love my girlfriend. We have been together for more than five years - many ups and downs, but we have gone through enough good and bad to know we deeply care for each other, regardless of our personal flaws and the imperfections of our relationship.

But she is constantly upset about what other people think about her, what she is doing, her life, her work, etc. She also constantly thinks about other people's mental state and wellbeing. If someone whose opinion is important to her (and many people are) says anything that could remotely be interpreted as negative to her she will get mad about it and speaks about it for hours, and if someone she cares for isn't well, she will be extremely upset, talk a lot and try to do the impossible to help them (based on her possibly imperfect understanding of the situation).

She understands there is something weird (and problematic) to it, she is not on the spectrum but based on her past and experience she is probably a hypersensitive and/or gifted person. I'm not here (or anywhere) to blame her for anything she is feeling or doing, but I feel exhausted and helpless about all that need for talking about possible mental states of other people I don't know, don't know how to help and/or don't care much what are thinking.

I am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice.

She just seems like an ultra sensitive person.

I find, in situations where her sensitivity gets in the way of her judgment, that one should employ reality-testing and inquiry into the actual nature of what's bothering her/other people.

Basically, you should try to provide her with ways to obtain a relatively objective interpretation of what she perceives.

Thanks for your answer, kraftiekortie.

Yes, she identifies as such and I agree with her. (She will get some sort of specialised therapy soon but those things take time.)



That's precisely my basic reaction, and I try to do just that as much as I can. When she is in a positive mood it works great, but when she is anxious and annoyed she just gets more upset because I am not reassuring and supporting her. I'm afraid I really don't know how to reassure people, at least about things I can't connect to. I mean, if someone is worried about a situation I have encountered in my past I am usually able to offer valuable support and advice. But wondering about other people's mind is absolutely not part of my experience, so I just feel powerless. Assertively telling people about things you don't know is just lying; I'm not good at it and I don't want to do it.

The basic problem is, sure, that she is often anxious and annoyed, and that has nothing to do with me specifically. (I have been learning a lot not to blame myself for that kind of things.) But I am often anxious too, and when she has the energy for it she is great at making me feel better. I just wish I could be as good with her.

That's her personality. Her flaws.

Accept it.

/Thread.

Have you talked with her about the negative effects of her sensitive reactions on you? Maybe you could return her help by recognising when external events are triggering her anxiety, before it escalates and has to run its course. For example something gentle like listening to chilled out music, finding ways to relax like mindfulness, or going for a run together, things that wont invalidate her feelings. I think sometimes when couples become quite secure with one-another, they can forget to prioritise their relationship.

You are absolutely right about that. (Except that part of it is not just her "personality" but psychology issues she herself wants to fix.) But I am not looking for ways to change her but for new insights to help us relate to each other in a better way.

If I did not want to accept her personality - and her mine - we would not be together. Of course we might still find out that we can't remain together and then we will part ways, but that's not the point here. I agree my post is not terribly interesting; if you don't want to contribute or have nothing to contribute I won't blame you.



That's sound advice, thanks. I already try to do that, of course recognizing that she is getting anxious is not always simple, and I often find finding the right things to do to support her very difficult.

In fact, it's not just her personality.

Many women are like this ouroborosUK, caring about everyone's feelings, well-being of others, caring what others think, it's a generalization and certainly varies in degree but it's true for like...a majority of women.

We are originally evolved from a mildly matriarchal species - that's why, captain.

Ah, no. It's not just about "being a woman" I know many women and they're not all like this. Some are. They have anxiety issues. Personality disorders and other such issues. That natural desire to care is somehow catapulted out of control and it becomes a problem.

I think the only way a non professional can help the person who is freaking out is to listen to them, hug them, make them cups of tea.

I'm glad to hear she will be getting some professional help. That is probably the only actual way she's going to get help.

I have a friend who is like this. She is a very sensitive and caring person, but sometimes that caring can get almost obsessive. She is very tuned-in to what others are feeling and she can go up and down with them. It is hard for her to separate herself from the situation.

It is OK to say something like "I don't know what to say or how to help, but I am here for you." You can also set boundaries on listening. It is OK to listen for a little while, but you can help her set limits by saying "I can listen for this amount of time (be reasonable), but after that I need to get some work done." It may not help her feel better, but it can help her to start looking at how this can be disruptive in life if she dwells on things too long.

You have been given good advice about helping her to see things more objectively and rationally, but I would not offer those thoughts until you have listened first to what she is feeling. Just letting her go first in the talking will go a long way to making her feel like you "hear" her and understand, before jumping in with reason.

Hope this helps some.

My ex boyfriend always cared what other people thought but his was more about himself than about other people and their well being and it was about him not wanting to be discovered so he tried to cut me off from my parents subtly. He was concerned about others thinking him being a control freak so instead of changing that part of himself and looking at why people have that concept about him, he tried to control what others thought of him instead and that was trying to keep me silent about our troubles. But in your girlfriend's case, this is not what it's about and she doesn't sound controlling at all so I don't really have any advice to give you.