I might have to break up with my girlfriend

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Tross
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01 Apr 2016, 3:42 pm

^Well, that's assuming relationships are generally grounded in logic and reason to begin with, but you may be right that I should end things. Apparently April 28 is when we're going to see the therapist. I'm willing to see what a professional says, but things are not looking good. On the other hand, I'm relieved to know she doesn't put me before God, as I asked her that today. I was wondering that for quite a while, and that would have been an instant deal breaker, so I'm glad that's not the case at least.



Sweetleaf
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01 Apr 2016, 3:50 pm

Tross wrote:
^Yikes, sounds to me like relationships are way too much trouble. I'm surprised so many people go for them. But then, I'm locked in one too. Mine isn't as smothering as the ones discussed above, but my gf can get a little too clingy for me at times. On the plus side, I set a precedent of not responding to texts when I'm with my friends, and I often wait a little to respond if I'm enjoying a hobby like gaming. I find that 99.99% she "just wants to talk to me" anyways. She'll still be around when I'm done. Plus, when I'm out with my friends I inform her thusly and say I will talk to her after. She often arbitrarily asks what time, to which I usually say "when I'm done", since there's no time limit on guy time, or me time for that matter.

Anyways, I'm going to keep trying to make things work. For one thing, her brother might refer me to a better paying job than I currently have, so now definitely wouldn't be the time to end things. Also, I had another great evening with my gf last night and it usually takes a couple days to fall back into being unhappy with her clinginess.


I can understand why her texting all the time and expecting you to constantly immediately text back would be annoying. Me and my boyfriend text to make plans to get together or maybe to check how each others days went on days we don't see each other...conversation is much better in person. But yeah I can say if he was an all the time texter that got moody whenever I don't text back right away or want to converse via text I don't think I'd be dating him anymore.

However the part of her asking what time you'll come see her isn't really all that unreasonable, I like to know when my boyfriend is coming to see me for one I want to be ready when he shows up and just for making plans for the day. I'd probably be rather irritated if his response when I asked him what time he will show up was 'when I'm done.' as it would give me nothing to work with. Of course I don't ask him repeatedly and then angrily demand to know whats going on if he ends up running late or something...maybe your girlfriend does that?


Also you have to consider, you say there is no time limit on guy time or you time....but what about time with her is there a limit on that? Would you even consider telling your friends 'I'm spending time with my girlfriend, I'll catch you guys when I am done.' or do you always prioritize guy time but not time with her? I mean if spending time with your guy friends is more important to you than spending time with her that is going to cause problems no matter how you slice it, and that is probably with any girlfriend.

As a female I like my boyfriend to have other people to socialize with and would want to be friendly to his friends he introduces. But I'd certainly feel bad if he gave the impression spending time with those friends is more important than time with me, likewise I think my boyfriend would be really sad if I did that to him.



slenkar
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01 Apr 2016, 4:10 pm

If she had said something like
"Yeah I can be clingy but I just do it cos I feel insecure or want more time"

Then that would be fine, but getting annoyed and shutting down any discussion indicates an unreasonable person.



Tross
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02 Apr 2016, 9:20 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Tross wrote:
^Yikes, sounds to me like relationships are way too much trouble. I'm surprised so many people go for them. But then, I'm locked in one too. Mine isn't as smothering as the ones discussed above, but my gf can get a little too clingy for me at times. On the plus side, I set a precedent of not responding to texts when I'm with my friends, and I often wait a little to respond if I'm enjoying a hobby like gaming. I find that 99.99% she "just wants to talk to me" anyways. She'll still be around when I'm done. Plus, when I'm out with my friends I inform her thusly and say I will talk to her after. She often arbitrarily asks what time, to which I usually say "when I'm done", since there's no time limit on guy time, or me time for that matter.

Anyways, I'm going to keep trying to make things work. For one thing, her brother might refer me to a better paying job than I currently have, so now definitely wouldn't be the time to end things. Also, I had another great evening with my gf last night and it usually takes a couple days to fall back into being unhappy with her clinginess.


I can understand why her texting all the time and expecting you to constantly immediately text back would be annoying. Me and my boyfriend text to make plans to get together or maybe to check how each others days went on days we don't see each other...conversation is much better in person. But yeah I can say if he was an all the time texter that got moody whenever I don't text back right away or want to converse via text I don't think I'd be dating him anymore.

However the part of her asking what time you'll come see her isn't really all that unreasonable, I like to know when my boyfriend is coming to see me for one I want to be ready when he shows up and just for making plans for the day. I'd probably be rather irritated if his response when I asked him what time he will show up was 'when I'm done.' as it would give me nothing to work with. Of course I don't ask him repeatedly and then angrily demand to know whats going on if he ends up running late or something...maybe your girlfriend does that?


Also you have to consider, you say there is no time limit on guy time or you time....but what about time with her is there a limit on that? Would you even consider telling your friends 'I'm spending time with my girlfriend, I'll catch you guys when I am done.' or do you always prioritize guy time but not time with her? I mean if spending time with your guy friends is more important to you than spending time with her that is going to cause problems no matter how you slice it, and that is probably with any girlfriend.

As a female I like my boyfriend to have other people to socialize with and would want to be friendly to his friends he introduces. But I'd certainly feel bad if he gave the impression spending time with those friends is more important than time with me, likewise I think my boyfriend would be really sad if I did that to him.
I do spend whole evenings with my gf and don't time those, but I have started scheduling phone and face time calls at specific intervals, mostly because otherwise she asks constantly if we can call or face time each other. Actually she still does that but I just say maybe later if it's not in the scheduled time. But in terms of actually spending time with her, I do make time just for her even if it means blowing off my friends. They at least understand the need to earn gf credit.



slenkar
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02 Apr 2016, 9:33 pm

With someone like that it's never enough,
they never stop



Tross
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04 Apr 2016, 10:59 pm

Well, I conducted an analysis of my inner thoughts, to the best of my ability. I'm somewhat limited in my ability to make sense of my personal thoughts, especially when it comes to illogical constructs like "feelings", but when I give something enough thought I can generally come up with some results. Anyways, my conclusion is that clinginess is not the main problem. It's a secondary problem, and a pretty prominent one at that, but I imagine I would tolerate it at least a tad more if it weren't for the main problem.

I think my main issue is actually that I have my doubts that my gf is mature enough to want to move in with, let alone get married and start a family. Granted, Christians don't move in together before marriage as that's a sin, but I can't picture doing that. On one hand I can't fault my gf for her disorder, because that would be like someone faulting me for mine. However, she can't seem to make decisions without someone else's input, and I have my doubts that I can rely on her to help me in any way if any kind of situation pops up.

For example, I was driving with her in her area and was running out of gas so I asked where the nearest gas station was, and she said she didn't know. In fact, she didn't help at all. I barely found a gas station in time before stalling out in the middle of a busy road. I apologized for getting flustered and she said next time I should pray instead of getting upset. I'm all for praying, but I also don't believe God is our personal genie and she should have been at least a little helpful in what could have been an awful situation.

I can deal with her sometimes acting like she has the academic knowledge of an 8 year old, but she also can't seem to function without the support of others like her mom and dad. If we were to start a life together I couldn't be with her all the time, and I'm not sure what her career prospects are, or whether she will even be financially stable. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but if I do take things to the next stage I don't want to be the only dependable one. I also have my concerns about what kind of parent she will be.

Maybe these things are irrelevant for now, and I shouldn't bother thinking too hard about a hypothetical future, but I kind of want to marry someone I can trust, and while dating for fun might be cool for a little while, I'm doing it for practical reasons too, i.e. finding a future wife. If I'm going to start a future with someone, I think both parties need to be dependable, and I just don't get that from my current gf. Maybe I'm just overthinking it...



slenkar
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05 Apr 2016, 1:13 pm

This could be good because she sounds like she might accept your leadership, instead of being one of those who plays power games and tries to dominate.

Maturity isnt really an issue because when you have children you mature automatically,

Does she listen to your opinions and advice a lot?

She gets angry at any uncomfortable discussion which is a warning sign though.



Tross
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05 Apr 2016, 5:01 pm

slenkar wrote:
This could be good because she sounds like she might accept your leadership, instead of being one of those who plays power games and tries to dominate.

Maturity isnt really an issue because when you have children you mature automatically,

Does she listen to your opinions and advice a lot?

She gets angry at any uncomfortable discussion which is a warning sign though.

Well, she does listen to my advice and opinions sometimes, but she seems to have blinders on, and is often either only receptive to opinions and advice that appeals to her, or her short term memory loss kicks in and she completely forgets about advice she got earlier. More importantly though, I can't go to her for advice or opinions, because she usually doesn't have any. If I need help with something I'll almost never go to her because her response will usually be something along the lines of "I don't know". I'm glad my gf feels like she can depend on me, but can I depend on her? I'm honestly not so sure.

I guess it's biblical for the man to be in a leadership role, but I think if I am to start a life with someone it should be a team effort, especially in the current age. Sure, biblically she will have to submit to me if I become her husband but then I will have to devote my life to her, as that's also biblical, and there are ways to interpret those particular passages so that they make sense in 2016. Divorce isn't forbidden or anything in my faith, but I'm also encouraged to avoid it if at all possible, and to do that I should seek out someone who I'm sure I'll want to stick with for the rest of my life. I know it doesn't always work out that way, but I don't think it's a good sign if I have a hard time seeing a long term future with my gf working out.

I cherish the time I've spent with her, and I've invested a lot emotionally into this relationship too. I'm of the opinion that no one truly wins with a break-up as it will hurt me to hurt her, and it will hurt me to end something I've been very much a part of too. I really do care about her, but maybe just being good friends is for the best, though it's obviously not going to be that simple.



slenkar
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05 Apr 2016, 5:20 pm

Yeah I think you're right

The downsides of obsessive control and unreasonableness seem to be too much.


I don't think her lack of knowledge or maturity are barriers because they can be learned.



Tross
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05 Apr 2016, 7:59 pm

slenkar wrote:
Yeah I think you're right

The downsides of obsessive control and unreasonableness seem to be too much.


I don't think her lack of knowledge or maturity are barriers because they can be learned.

I suppose so. I'm just more concerned that it doesn't occur to her to make decisions on her own. I don't care if she doesn't know what Pi is. I do and I've long since filed that under useless knowledge. However, I'm concerned whether she could assist in making financial decisions if need be, to cite an example of where it would be nice if I don't have to make certain decisions on my own. How will she react if there's an emergency? Maybe you're right that I shouldn't worry about that for now though. It's not like we live together or anything, so there's no situation where I really need to lean on her for anything at this time. Perhaps I should wait and see what the relationship counsellor says at the end of the month, and keep an open mind.



slenkar
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05 Apr 2016, 8:09 pm

It could be an advantage if you get to make the financial decisions, you could really streamline and reduce expenses



Tross
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06 Apr 2016, 1:16 pm

slenkar wrote:
It could be an advantage if you get to make the financial decisions, you could really streamline and reduce expenses
True. I could also sneak an extra video game or two into our month,y expenses. :lol: J/K. Or am I? I guess there's no law that states I have to marry an actual adult. All the law cares about is age in the numerical sense. Actually, I think there is a couple in the complex where my grandparents live consisting of an aspie and a special needs person. They obviously make it work. Maybe I'll still bring up my anxieties with the relationship councillor though. I'm assuming her job is to at least try to put me at ease regarding relationship issues.



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06 Apr 2016, 1:51 pm

I rather have a girl obsess over me than deal with the stuck up twats here. I didn't read the whole thread, but maybe you can sort of compromise with her. Tell her you'll text her once an hour to let her know you're okay...I don't know man, at least you know she won't cheat. That's a good payoff in my opinion. Plus if you do move in with her, she would most likely let you make all the decisions and most likely would never turn down sex with you because she wants to make you happy. That's just the way I see it.



The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Apr 2016, 3:36 am

Quote:
I rather have a girl obsess over me than deal with the stuck up twats here.


Me too.

Too much of anything is always bad but nothing worse than a supposedly partner/date who treats you like that you barely exist in her life.



Tross
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07 Apr 2016, 7:18 pm

So, after much consideration I'm going to stick with my gf for now and cross any bridge that I come across when I get there. Thanks for all your posts. I'm sure I'll see you all again in 4-6 months when my doubts come back again. :D