"You'll find love when you stop looking for it."

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ThisAdamGuy
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04 Mar 2016, 3:07 pm

Whenever I tell people how depressed I am because I can't get a girlfriend no matter how hard I try, they always tell me I'll find love when I stop looking for it. This makes absolutely no sense to me, so can someone explain it please? I mean, it might make sense if I had any sort of social life and met new people on a constant basis, but I don't so looking for someone is literally the only way I can find someone.


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kraftiekortie
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04 Mar 2016, 5:02 pm

Yes, the above phrase is a cliché--but it's a cliché for a reason.

I used to be desperate to find a girlfriend. Girls knew I was desperate. They either avoided me, or sloughed me off.

Then, in my mid-twenties, I decided not to "look for it" any longer. It's not like girls started running to me---but I did find more success using that approach, and treating women like they were my friend.



goofygoobers
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04 Mar 2016, 5:17 pm

I don't quite think that phrase is true, but I would recommend getting to know more people. You might find love in a person you may not expect it from. I would suggest you don't expect every woman you meet to be a love interest, but think of them as people you would like to know.



Mirta
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04 Mar 2016, 5:46 pm

it doesn't make sense for me either. It's not like we don't find girlfriends/boyfriends because we're looking too much. IMO it's BS, just like the "you'll fall in love when won't expect it to happen" thing.

I think people say that to cheer up, like a "don't feel discouraged" thing. But it makes no sense and doesn't help?



kraftiekortie
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04 Mar 2016, 5:48 pm

Honestly, when I stopped actively looking for a girlfriend, I was able to get more girls interested in me.

I just looked too desperate when I was actively looking for a girlfriend.

When I looked, girls sensed that I was desperate, so they were either bitchy to me, avoided me, or just made lame excuses.



Beau
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04 Mar 2016, 6:04 pm

Hey ThisAdamGuy.

I agree with Mirta. For some, they're fortunate enough when it happens out of sheer luck. However, for the majority of us, it requires effort. Plus, there's no guarantee that a person will find love in their lifetime.



kraftiekortie
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04 Mar 2016, 6:23 pm

I never said not to search for love. All I said, really, is not to do it so overtly.

Don't go out with the explicit design of finding a girlfriend. Make that your third or fourth priority. Your first priority is to find friendship. Next is to obtain intellectual satisfaction, or entertainment, via that friendship.

I really feel the best way to find love is to find friendship first. Because friendship leads to a longer-lasting love.



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04 Mar 2016, 6:42 pm

I totally agreed with few points here.

I used to be desperate to find a girlfriend from my female friends in past few years. Now I am like 'meh' just hang out and be chilling about. Though I still haven't got my first girlfriend yet, but I have more female friends than before. So as what Kratfiekortie mentioned making and maintaining friendships led to long ever lasting love/romance/marriage/relationship/partnership.

I wasn't really sociable person myself before I moved to the city last year. I spent whole time stepping out of my comfort zone into very sensory environments. I am quite distracted by background noises (that probably why I am hard of hearing!), vibrations, flashing lights like strobe lights and smells. I just have high functioning Autism, not as severe as whoever assume I do especially with the sensory issues.

I explained that to my friends too. Remember, making friends with the NT is quite challenging because they are on a different perspective. The true friends who doesn't give up on your obstacles. A potential girlfriend is coming from that same area. Likewise my female friends are still learning about my challenges and the ways to communicate. This has helped them to support me when sometimes I feel down, or even doing unintentional mistakes in the social environments. This is 'not giving up'. Why go after a girl who doesn't seem keen to learn about you?

Think about it. Friendships led to love. The society is very stereotypical and superficial in terms of relationships. People loses their boundaries from short term relationships, which that isn't true relationship. That I call rebound relationships. People get hurt easily. Us aspies don't want that, right? Its hurtful.



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04 Mar 2016, 7:36 pm

Friendship however does not always necessarily lead to love and that's not guaranteed to happen.

In my experiences it seems to happen a lot, when a male and female friend develop a mutual attraction and start dating, and some pretty strong relationships and marriages can come out of it, but there's no guarantees.

You could be friends with 20 women and, even in the slightest possibility one develops an attraction to you, it may not be mutual and you may only see her as a friend and nothing more.

My suggestion is to never fully stop looking for love. It is good to focus on other areas of your life, but don't totally stop.

Also, the 'desperation' thing isn't always true.

Sometimes even the most desperate people are capable of hiding it, or some are even desperate but may not necessarily come across as desperate.

Back in high school I was 'desperate' for friendships and relationships but my friends suggested I actually came across as very 'content' and satisfied with my life, confident and happy. 8-O :-|

So even the super desperate may find success.

Anyway, my results with this advice have been mixed.

I got my first three dates when I was actively pursuing. The first time I stopped looking, a girl developed a crush on me and I liked her back, but she had to leave school before I could ask her out. And, I developed feelings for another female, and she developed feelings back, she was my first girlfriend, but it didn't go well at all.

I decided to give dating a break and, once I decided to start looking again, I faced one more rejection before getting my second girlfriend, and lasted a tiny bit longer with her than the first.

Make from that what you will...I suggest to find a balance between sometimes looking harder, sometimes not looking as hard.

Just how active is your social life? It's a good idea to make it more active, by getting friends to introduce you to their friends, getting out of the house a bit more, etc.



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04 Mar 2016, 8:20 pm

I agree with you Outrider! People can not see you're desperate. Personnally, it happened more than once that people think I don't want a relationship at all, and or think I don't want friends and prefer to be alone. Neither of these is true.

I never looked for a boyfriend in a desperate way. If I was so desperate I'd just go with any random guy who want's sex. There's enough of them. But I never did. I don't want to do that. I don't think I ever acted desperate with guys. But yet is never happens. I'm rather way to shy to go talk to them, wich is not the same (Maybe that's why it doesn't happen?).

Also, I don't think we find someone when we really don't want to, just as we won't drink some water if we're not thirsty at all. When someone finds a girlfriend/boyfriend, somewhere inside they wanted it to happen and looked for it in a way. I mean...
yeah, maybe we can find a fountain or a spring without looking for it but, we don't find it because we weren't looking for it (desperatly or not) or because we weren't thirsty-and-begging-for-water. And if we find it without being thirsty, then, we won't drink water, we'll just walk home. So there wasn't any point in finding it.

And, actually, IMO, it's a bit like saying to a dehydrated person that if he stops being thirsty or stops showing he is thirsty, then he will get some water.

Yeah, and I know a couple of persons who didn't start with a friendship before being more romantic and intimate. So I guess it's not the only right way to do it. I agree with Outrider about that, freindship doesn't always lead to love.



Mirta
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04 Mar 2016, 8:30 pm

I forgot a thing I wanted to say. A potential girlfriend/boyfriend is not going to appear and knock at the door when we'll stop looking for him/her.



kraftiekortie
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04 Mar 2016, 8:57 pm

People could tell that I WAS desperate. And it did me no good. When people realized I had something else on my mind, things improved.

I'm not saying STOP looking for love. I'm just saying concentrate on other things WHILE you're looking for love.

Don't let the pursuit of a boyfriend or girlfriend rule you.

That's what I'm saying.

What I stopped doing.....I stopped going out with the idea that I must get a girlfriend RIGHT NOW.



AsahiPto17
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09 Mar 2016, 5:06 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
People could tell that I WAS desperate. And it did me no good. When people realized I had something else on my mind, things improved.

I'm not saying STOP looking for love. I'm just saying concentrate on other things WHILE you're looking for love.

Don't let the pursuit of a boyfriend or girlfriend rule you.

That's what I'm saying.

What I stopped doing.....I stopped going out with the idea that I must get a girlfriend RIGHT NOW.


That makes a lot of sense. I feel like I tend to feel a little too caught up in wanting to be in a relationship and in start to focus on that way too much. It starts to distract me from much more important things sometimes, and worse just depresses me. At the same time it would not be the best thing to just totally shut the door and not look a little bit for possible faint glimmers of potential relationship.



Sweetleaf
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09 Mar 2016, 5:21 am

I think it more means trying to hard might have a more detrimental than helpful effect. I mean for one getting a girlfriend doesn't cure depression, if you're feeling miserable about life in general a relationship doesn't just make it all better and can even create more stress. I also imagine it implies you should focus on yourself for a bit, instead of putting so much effort and energy into desperately looking for a relationships.

Basically try and improve on mental health and coping with stress or just take some time for yourself and try and relax or do things you like and what not, without stressing about getting a relationship. It doesn't really meant to give up, just not to overwhelm yourself with stress and despair trying to find someone.


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GiantHockeyFan
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09 Mar 2016, 7:31 am

After my experience, I have to think it was some form of destiny that I met my Fiancee. We are nearly perfect for each other despite not having much in common on paper. I met her when I was in the middle of throwing in the towel with dating: was nothing but dead ends. I said to myself that I accept whatever fate has in store for me and boom, I met her. What's really weird is that she admitted she had her eye on me from a meetup group and by incredible coincidence I was already planning to move one street over from her on the complete opposite side of the city and away from my workplace. Everyone thought I was nuts: even myself. Normally I would never have given her the time of day because she didn't hit my (superficial) checklist but I decided to just meet her with no expectations. Still have yet to have our first (verbal) fight and getting close to the wedding date. Did I mention her family absolutely loves me? The guy who grew up with nothing but rejection and bullying?

It was probably my destiny to meet her but all the steps I took to better myself led her to me. If I sat on my butt or squarely in my comfort zone, we would never have met. 's really hard to explain, but the biggest thing is that there is no timeline, checklist or formula for love. I had a number of failures and embarrassments, but they all ultimately led o success in the end. I still can't believe my incredibly good fortune!

Oh, and those who are feeling 'weird' for getting to 25+ and no girlfriend, I should point out when my cousin was 25, she got married along with three other relatives and friends. All were between 25-30 and three of them are already divorced after less than 5 years.



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09 Mar 2016, 7:46 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
I think it more means trying to hard might have a more detrimental than helpful effect. I mean for one getting a girlfriend doesn't cure depression, if you're feeling miserable about life in general a relationship doesn't just make it all better and can even create more stress. I also imagine it implies you should focus on yourself for a bit, instead of putting so much effort and energy into desperately looking for a relationships.

Basically try and improve on mental health and coping with stress or just take some time for yourself and try and relax or do things you like and what not, without stressing about getting a relationship. It doesn't really meant to give up, just not to overwhelm yourself with stress and despair trying to find someone.


This. If you're expecting a girlfriend will fix your depression, you're going to disappoint yourself. No one can fix you. No one really wants to. I couldn't imagine a wife better suited for me, and I still think of killing myself constantly. Now, thinking of my wife is primarily what keeps me from really getting deep into the idea of actually carrying it out, that's not fixing depression, it's just keeping me from slitting my wrists in the bathtub.

Depending on your issues, especially if you are insecure like I am, a relationship can make your mental state worse as the constant worry of now losing that person is now there, which, believe me, is more taxing than loneliness if your prone to that kind of thinking.

I don't think people tend to find that "special someone" until they've fully accepted the idea of life alone. It doesn't mean you don't really WANT someone in your life, but it means you don't NEED someone. Most people will be turned off quick if the first things they get hit with is a wall of neediness. I think that's what Kortie was getting at.