Please Help - I think my ex is an aspie

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caritza
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28 Apr 2016, 5:00 am

I myself have bipolar tendencies because of childhood trauma, besides that I guess I am a NT. During one of my sessions I made a few comments about my ex to my therapist and she asked me right away if he was an aspie. I had no idea what "aspie" meant, I have been doing some research and I feel like if he was then a lot of things would make sense about our relationship. I kind of mentioned my therapist comment to him, but he didn't say anything ( and I wish it stays that way, because he is in the army).

facts about my relationship:
- he is 35 years old
- I'm his first "real" gf
- He says I'm his first best friend
- it was a long distance relationship
- we dated for about 5 months
- he was very sweet and caring for me
- he had to re locate due to his job (the next day we had an argument) n his feelings for me just suddenly faded & broke up with me.
- But that he wished we could remain friends and talk every day.

Why do I suspect he is an aspie?
- when we started going out he would said things to me that someone who is interested in me wouldn't say
- He made jokes that were inappropriate
- He enjoys being along and planned to stay that way forever (before meeting me)
- He says things that really, really hurt me and then fails to see why it upsets me.
- when I am upset/sad he just leaves or ends the conversation like nothing was wrong.
- He has some anger issues
- He pick up on details other people don't


The truth is that I used to think that he was just being a jerk to me. But then he said he is really not a bad person and that he didn't want to hurt me. That he wants me to be more understanding and give him time to change.

I don't know why he broke up with me, he did tell me it was because his feelings for me changed. But sometimes he does things that made me think he still cares for me, even thought we are broken up we do spend a lot of time together. Is it because I'm his only friend or because he still likes me? I'm not in love with him, but he is very important to me. I tell him I miss him. When I asked him if he would give me a chance he said probably not, and then moves to another topic. I don't know if I should keep trying or if I should give up ... Is me showing affection towards him, even thought he said he is not interested bother him? I feel so insecure and when I ask him about about it. He doesn't give me an answer he says he understands me, but doesn't know what to do. Lately he asks me to spend time together, but then he would say things that hurt me. I thought he was just making fun of me and being cruel but maybe he doesn't know how to express himself.

When I met him I didn't think there was anything wrong with him, but dating him made me feel alone. I think that if I had known he was an aspie maybe I would of understood him better.



kraftiekortie
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28 Apr 2016, 5:37 am

It's great that you're friends--but I would hold off on the romance. Even if he gets romantic one day, he might change his mind the next day.

It seems as if he might have some Aspie traits, but I wouldn't go out on a limb and say that he's definitely Aspie. Have you ever bought up the subject with him? If you want to bring up the subject, do it gently. Speak about articles pertaining to Asperger's or autism. Speak about some famous Aspie who has succeeded despite having Asperger's.



Tequila
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28 Apr 2016, 10:01 am

He sounds like a nob.



hurtloam
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28 Apr 2016, 4:31 pm

What kinds of things does he say that hurt you? I'm asking because my Dad has Aspergers, but he doesn't say things that hurt me. Having Aspergers doesn't make people constantly say hurtful things.



nurseangela
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28 Apr 2016, 4:38 pm

caritza wrote:
I myself have bipolar tendencies because of childhood trauma, besides that I guess I am a NT. During one of my sessions I made a few comments about my ex to my therapist and she asked me right away if he was an aspie. I had no idea what "aspie" meant, I have been doing some research and I feel like if he was then a lot of things would make sense about our relationship. I kind of mentioned my therapist comment to him, but he didn't say anything ( and I wish it stays that way, because he is in the army).

facts about my relationship:
- he is 35 years old
- I'm his first "real" gf
- He says I'm his first best friend
- it was a long distance relationship
- we dated for about 5 months
- he was very sweet and caring for me
- he had to re locate due to his job (the next day we had an argument) n his feelings for me just suddenly faded & broke up with me.
- But that he wished we could remain friends and talk every day.

Why do I suspect he is an aspie?
- when we started going out he would said things to me that someone who is interested in me wouldn't say
- He made jokes that were inappropriate
- He enjoys being along and planned to stay that way forever (before meeting me)
- He says things that really, really hurt me and then fails to see why it upsets me.
- when I am upset/sad he just leaves or ends the conversation like nothing was wrong.
- He has some anger issues
- He pick up on details other people don't


The truth is that I used to think that he was just being a jerk to me. But then he said he is really not a bad person and that he didn't want to hurt me. That he wants me to be more understanding and give him time to change.

I don't know why he broke up with me, he did tell me it was because his feelings for me changed. But sometimes he does things that made me think he still cares for me, even thought we are broken up we do spend a lot of time together. Is it because I'm his only friend or because he still likes me? I'm not in love with him, but he is very important to me. I tell him I miss him. When I asked him if he would give me a chance he said probably not, and then moves to another topic. I don't know if I should keep trying or if I should give up ... Is me showing affection towards him, even thought he said he is not interested bother him? I feel so insecure and when I ask him about about it. He doesn't give me an answer he says he understands me, but doesn't know what to do. Lately he asks me to spend time together, but then he would say things that hurt me. I thought he was just making fun of me and being cruel but maybe he doesn't know how to express himself.

When I met him I didn't think there was anything wrong with him, but dating him made me feel alone. I think that if I had known he was an aspie maybe I would of understood him better.


Your last paragraph says it all. I keep telling Aspies how important it is to tell the important NT people in your life that you are Aspie or we don't know what the heck is going on. And I know about the "alone" feeling thing.


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hurtloam
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28 Apr 2016, 5:31 pm

Nurseangela we don't know that he is an aspie. He could just be an unkind person. Are you saying that telling people you are an aspie is a free pass? That women will put up with you being a dick if you explain you have a diagnosis?

(I'm not saying all aspies are dicks)



kraftiekortie
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28 Apr 2016, 5:38 pm

There are many Aspies who are not dicks.

There are many neurotypicals who are dicks.

Being an Aspie and being a dick is definitely not mutually inclusive.



nurseangela
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28 Apr 2016, 5:41 pm

What about the self diagnosed Aspies on here? We don't know if they are really Aspies either. My Aspie friend was never diagnosed but he had a total lack of empathy, but he was saying that he didn't mean to hurt me too. If I say something hurtful to someone, I immediately feel guilty because I know how it would feel of someone said something hurtful to me. My Aspie friend was totally clueless. Actually my friends told me to stop talking to my Aspie friend because they thought he was rude, but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt thinking it was his Aspieness. I felt bad when I got mad at him. How does one ever really know if someone is being rude or if it's their Aspieness?


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


hurtloam
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28 Apr 2016, 6:02 pm

This is all too vague for me without examples.

I'd say if something is truthfully said and it's logical, that's aspies. If it's just mean, it's just mean.

Like if a fat woman asks, "do I look fat in this?" and her husband pauses, assess her in the dress and says yes. That's probably aspieness and not deliberately mean
Then she gets upset because he didnt lie. She's an idiot for asking such a stupid question. If you're fat you're fat. She knows she's fat. A dress won't change that.

I hate it when people tell me I don't need to lose weight. I own a mirror and I know that my favourite trousers don't fasten anymore.

BTW, I am aware that the fat woman is really asking, "do you still find me attractive" but the aspie dude doesn't realise that. He takes the question literally.



nurseangela
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28 Apr 2016, 6:25 pm

It's the empathy thing that gets to me. I wonder if I was actually in a room full of Aspie men and I started crying like I did back in another thread I was just in, would they all get flustered not knowing what to do and just leave the room?


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


hurtloam
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28 Apr 2016, 6:36 pm

Aren't most men like that though? I started crying at work (I had a death in the family) and only one of the guys came to see what was wrong.

To be fair, my Dad doesn't know what to do when I cry. He at least understands that I'm upset. My Mum will shout at us and get angry if any of us show emotion, I dunno if that's Aspergers or personality disorder issues though.

At first when I was researching Aspergers I was trying to find out why she is the way she is. Trying to find a reason for her unreasonableness, but the more I learned about Aspergers, and the more I talked to people on here, I realised that there is something else wrong with her.

Aspies do have a capacity for empathy. They're not psychopaths.



Claradoon
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28 Apr 2016, 6:39 pm

Could we clarify, please? Being aspie and mentioning it as part of why I did something wrong is not hiding behind it.

I am presently in a situation that arose because I just didn't "get it" - I didn't know I was hurting anybody - so if I mention being Aspie it might be to reduce the idea of intentionality.

But I will sure find out what I did wrong and how to do it right so as not to hurt people I like. It's not a blame game. If a situation turns into a blame game, then I would get out of it because that is not a friendship.



nurseangela
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28 Apr 2016, 6:54 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Aren't most men like that though? I started crying at work (I had a death in the family) and only one of the guys came to see what was wrong.

To be fair, my Dad doesn't know what to do when I cry. He at least understands that I'm upset. My Mum will shout at us and get angry if any of us show emotion, I dunno if that's Aspergers or personality disorder issues though.

At first when I was researching Aspergers I was trying to find out why she is the way she is. Trying to find a reason for her unreasonableness, but the more I learned about Aspergers, and the more I talked to people on here, I realised that there is something else wrong with her.

Aspies do have a capacity for empathy. They're not psychopaths.


I know that Aspies say they have empathy, but can they show it? The other person doesn't know your empathizing if there are no actions. And if empathy doesn't seem like it's being given, then you feel totally alone in going through whatever situation you're going through. I don't know if I'm explaining it all enough.


_________________
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I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


caritza
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28 Apr 2016, 7:36 pm

hurtloam wrote:
This is all too vague for me without examples.

I'd say if something is truthfully said and it's logical, that's aspies. If it's just mean, it's just mean.

Like if a fat woman asks, "do I look fat in this?" and her husband pauses, assess her in the dress and says yes. That's probably aspieness and not deliberately mean
Then she gets upset because he didnt lie. She's an idiot for asking such a stupid question. If you're fat you're fat. She knows she's fat. A dress won't change that.

I hate it when people tell me I don't need to lose weight. I own a mirror and I know that my favourite trousers don't fasten anymore.

BTW, I am aware that the fat woman is really asking, "do you still find me attractive" but the aspie dude doesn't realise that. He takes the question literally.


some examples:

I said I miss you he would think about it for a second and then say to me - I don't miss you right now, but i miss you sometimes.

I asked him to tell me a joke, and he told me one really inappropriate about child abuse.

He'd ask me to spend time with him then he would say, ok it stop being fun anymore. I'm just not having fun with you anymore.

He asked me for a picture, I told him no because I was on my period and I felt bloated. He said : I sometimes find cows sexy... you see what I did there,... I called you a cow.
:\

once I was crying and he said to me I have to go to sleep now let's talk tomorrow. Then he sent me a msg saying : poor you, you are sad and on your period and your boyfriend is mean to you. ( is seriously thought he was making fun of me and being cruel but Idk)

He said that I was the only person in the world he has ever cared for and wished good things for. He told me he is not used to being around girls and that he wishes I could tell him when he did something wrong and not get mad at him, and that he wanted to work on himself.

I know I should move on, I know I have to stop talking to him because being just friends w him is killing me inside. But I know that if I stop talking to him I will lose him forever.



nurseangela
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28 Apr 2016, 7:47 pm

caritza wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
This is all too vague for me without examples.

I'd say if something is truthfully said and it's logical, that's aspies. If it's just mean, it's just mean.

Like if a fat woman asks, "do I look fat in this?" and her husband pauses, assess her in the dress and says yes. That's probably aspieness and not deliberately mean
Then she gets upset because he didnt lie. She's an idiot for asking such a stupid question. If you're fat you're fat. She knows she's fat. A dress won't change that.

I hate it when people tell me I don't need to lose weight. I own a mirror and I know that my favourite trousers don't fasten anymore.

BTW, I am aware that the fat woman is really asking, "do you still find me attractive" but the aspie dude doesn't realise that. He takes the question literally.


some examples:

I said I miss you he would think about it for a second and then say to me - I don't miss you right now, but i miss you sometimes.

I asked him to tell me a joke, and he told me one really inappropriate about child abuse.

He'd ask me to spend time with him then he would say, ok it stop being fun anymore. I'm just not having fun with you anymore.

He asked me for a picture, I told him no because I was on my period and I felt bloated. He said : I sometimes find cows sexy... you see what I did there,... I called you a cow.
:\

once I was crying and he said to me I have to go to sleep now let's talk tomorrow. Then he sent me a msg saying : poor you, you are sad and on your period and your boyfriend is mean to you. ( is seriously thought he was making fun of me and being cruel but Idk)

He said that I was the only person in the world he has ever cared for and wished good things for. He told me he is not used to being around girls and that he wishes I could tell him when he did something wrong and not get mad at him, and that he wanted to work on himself.


8O I just read the first one - that sounds Aspie to me!


_________________
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I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
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28 Apr 2016, 7:50 pm

The cow one - I would have been out of there and not looked back.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.