Aspie trying to break down an abused girls emotional barrier

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I know I cannot change her but I dont want her to feel like she has to hold back. Let me explain.

This girl let's call her A, was abused by her real dad and.her many boy friends. When I say abused I mean physically and emotionally. When I heard this I couldnt help but cry. She says she.cannot fall in love but she does love guys. She says she want to fall tho.

She doesnt like physical affection unless she initates it. She also says she doesnt like physical touch with men in general as she has been hurt.also

she says what ever eheb I say.something about her is cute shes like yeah what ever.

I feel the more we talk. The more I want her to feel she can be open with me. The more we talk the more I want her to feel like more then meat and more then just a punching bag.

I want her to feel sexy and like she can truely except a complement.

I want to see her smile and feel protected. I understand.trust is the highest worry in her mind but im not here to cheat, or lay one hand on her. I feel one man lays one unwanted hand on.her and he will apologize to her with tears in his eyes, then I will go elsewhere and paint a room with him almost litterally.

I keep telling her when she brings up other guys thats not ok and its not me to cheat or make any female feel anything but sexy and impowered, and happy (of course). I also keep telling her she can show emothions as she isnt gonna be judged for it I.will only respect her more if she does. I also say she deserves a king and to be given the world if not given a.chance to be with a guy who would die trying.

I want her to feel she can be hugged and held not pushed or harmed because I would feel rather do ANYTHING other then ve the main source of her pain as it would pain me to.

I also told her im here if she needs to vent.

I also tell her her "weirdness".as she puts it are lovely beautiful traits about her and she should be proud of them.

Now with all of this being said am I forgetting anything I could do to make her feel like she deserves a generally idealised loving relationship and that she can be free or her physical hang ups as said above.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO TO BREAK DOWN THIS BARRIER OR AM I DOING JUST FINE?

A lot in psychology is counter intuitive. However best knowledge we have is based on operand conditioning and imprinted behaviors.

I think the best you can do it not try to be "her savior", instead seek resources like books or additional professional help if she is is ready and wants to.

People assume that the best way to address psychological trauma is just be very cautious and insulated.

This is a problem for two reasons, it reinforces the negative behaviour and it is not compatible with the world we live in. This can make anxiety worse not better.

The reality is if there is a strong aversion to anything, if that is to be addressed then at a certain point cover has to be broken. I don't think that shock therapy is appropriate, however a gradual exposure to the fear with positive reinforcement is part of it.

Also she doesn't necessarily have to change everything (or in one go), just what is necessary that she has improved her quality of life.

I tend to think you are too close to be objective. So you need to be honest with yourself. You could be involved but if you are to be there need to be some other input driving it.

The brain is a learning machine, but it can be conditioned negatively, from negative experiences.

Last edited by 0_equals_true on 01 May 2016, 5:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

I also think that the physiological consequences of trauma have been widely misrepresented recently. Which is unfortunate.

People wrongly assume that trauma always results PTSD. This is not the case.

PTSD is one condition amoung many, and the conditions can be quite different in nature, and therefore require different approaches.

Even if it is PTSD, many of the assumed position on PTSD like 'trigger warnings' aren't based on actual treatment programs.

You are not doing fine. You seem to have what's called a "rescue complex". You feel compelled to help this girl and make her feel loved, respected, etc. That's all well and good, if your intentions are genuine. But oftentimes, people struggling with emotional trauma often may not interpret other people's actions the same way you, a non-traumatized person, intend to come across. This can easily lead you to get blamed for all sorts of ungodly things.

There are questions you need to ask yourself, before pursuing something with this girl, be it romantic or friendship. What exactly makes you want to be around her? Does she have a look you're into, like a certain ethnicity, or maybe long hair, or an athletic body? Are you hoping she'd be a good activity partner, for games like Magic the Gathering, train-watching, or more NT-type things, like baseball? Or are you hoping for things to blossom into something?

Or, if you're hoping to "just be a good person" and help someone in need, you have to realize that you don't have the formal training to do so. This girl's situation sounds pretty serious, and it's best to direct her to specialists, than do their work yourself. Otherwise, if things don't go the way you expect, you could bite more off than you can chew, proverbially speaking. Instead, direct your desire to help toward volunteer organizations, especially those helping trauma victims.

No im hoping this will lead to us being offical and the more I talk to her the more I feel like want to be hers and hers only.

If not rescue complex then what way should I act because I refuse to be anything but amazing to her as she seems to be too just very guarded tho about how she approaches any relationship and affection

If you take away nothing else from my post, then realize one thing. You can be her mentor/therapist OR her boyfriend; you can't be both. Women aren't attracted to therapists, not even traumatized women. When you keep trying to solve a woman's problem, she'll associate you with the problem. Which will kill any attraction.

If you must be a boyfriend, and by extension, romantic, then don't try to "help" her. Instead, find ways to take her mind off the trauma, by taking her on dates that she'll enjoy. But in my world, that won't work. My definition of romance must include physical affection. And you said she's averse to touch, so there's an impasse right there. If I were you, I'd be a casual platonic friend at most, and even then, tread very carefully.

Still, it does bother me a little that you mentioned her trauma front and center, rather than as a cautionary note, while talking about wanting romance with her. However, it's your life and yours alone, so good luck.

It sounds like you're coming on way too strong.
You talk a lot about what you want her to feel in your OP, but you can't really make her feel anything and putting pressure on her to 'remove her emotional barriers' will only lead to more psychological distress if the barriers aren't ready to come down.
Your intentions may be good but make sure you're not attempting to fill your own needs at her expense.
The original post comes across as mildly creepy and controlling to me.
But that may just be me.

I guess. Im trying to subtly go about it I do drop a few obvious hints and such but its not like I do it all the time tho... We text and talk alot tho. So im sure were fine its just that I dont want to loose her im fAlling in love. If I controlled her I wouldn't get to see her expeess her quirks and flaws which are a part of what actract me to her. It would be an idealized bersion of her that I would be bored with real fast.

Been there, done that, not bloody worth it to be honest.

My relationship was brief and didn't work-out because she apparently just 'lost' attraction to me, but even in the beginning of it she did say she didn't trust me yet and couldn't trust me yet with any of the previous abusive/miserable life she had before.

Let's just say the night I stayed at her house when her mother opened up about this one story, she really had been through a lot of trauma, and that was just one story.

I happened to come across (aka facebook stalk) and found my girlfriend at the time post some details of other traumatic events and I can see why she is the way she is.

She 'hated' most men and was untrusting of them.

I don't think I went in with a 'rescue' attitude, just that I thought I could be the one to show her not all guys are bad and there's some decent ones out there, and the friend who helped matchmake us agreed.

Otherwise, my advice OP, is, for any relationship, to live and focus almost completely on the present.

Do not obsess over 'where you stand' either - I feel that screwed up my second relationship.

My first girlfriend was very on-and-off about how she felt about me, no matter how optimistic I felt we were going well, and so I was too paranoid with my second girlfriend, especially as soon as she asked for 'some space' away from me. Not sure if my suspicions were just correct in the beginning but I only saw her one more date and then never again.

So, even if this woman you're speaking to has 'emotional barriers' up, accept it.

Earn her trust rather than trying to cheat or take any shortcuts, and you'll feel far more satisfied the day she finally opens up to you and accepts you into her life.

That is, however, if she actually is attracted to you back and deems you relationship material, which I think would be far more likely if you overcome your current attitude.

You wanna know what I said when my first girlfriend admitted she doesn't trust me and won't yet in a long time?

"That's fine, I understand you wouldn't trust me just yet, so I want to get to know you and spend time around you until I can prove to you I'm a decent guy, no matter how long it takes." I said with a smile.

Agree whole heartedly with this reply.
Also, OP please stop trying to break down this poor girl's emotional barriers. You sound to me like one more on the list of people who is trying impose their will on her. Healing cones from within. Let her find her way out of her barriers perhaps with professional help but definitely not according to your wishes. You intentions sound kind but selfishly motivated.

I can relate to the OP's feelings/mindset toward that girl, because I felt similarly toward my first girlfriend. I met her my first year of college. She told me how she moved across the country to study her major, since her local colleges didn't offer it, and didn't know people. That triggered my own memories of moving cross-country at age 10. Which made me want to "help her get to know the city", and get to know me in the process . So I asked her out, and when she said yes, I was on cloud 9. But it all backfired on me when I learned how introverted she was. (I wanted to go places together; she just wanted to hang out on campus.) Somehow, I still wanted to be with her, since I didn't think anyone else would like me. It all fell apart 2 months later.

What I didn't realize is one big difference: she CHOSE to come to my city, and as an adult to boot. I, by contrast, was moved against my will as a child, and hated the new place at first. So it was apples and oranges. And projecting my own cross-country move onto her was a huge mistake.

OP, perhaps you're doing some projecting there yourself? Even if you do "just want to help her", it also seems like you're attempting to leverage her situation to help your dating life. So even if it works out in your favor, it'll be under wrong pretenses. So show restraint! Just be her friend at most, and for the love of everything decent, don't try to change her. One, it's a moral lesson, which came to me with age. Two, you could set yourself up for disappointment, when she doesn't turn out to be the person you expect.