Complicated Situation with AS Boyfriend - Advice?

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Greetings all,

Well my situation is a bit complex, so I apologize in advance for the length. I will try to summarize as best as possible.

I am a 32 year old NT female and have been in a relationship with an AS (high-functioning) 32-year-old male for the last five months. I met him last October at a Comic Con where we were both cosplaying as members of the same team. We hit it off and became fast friends, and about 6 weeks later he made it obvious he was interested in me. I explained to him I was still trying to come to terms with my six-year relationship ending with my college sweetheart (my only relationship). He was understanding and patient, and was a good friend. He opened up to me several times, crying, pleading with me to never give up on him no matter what... That everyone else had, and he trusted me because I am someone he knows won't give up. I promised him I wouldn't and told him I loved him (we said that early in even when we were just friends).

We started hanging out every weekend, and I gradually opened my heart to him since he was so sweet to me. I finally told him yes in February, but thought it best we not tell anyone in our group to avoid drama or unnecessary pressure. The first time he pushed me away (broke up with me) was in late March of this year, two weeks before I was to have a major surgery. I was perplexed as I had started reading about Asperger's and was trying to learn how to work on being in a relationship with one since there were some challenges. He became distant and want there like he said he'd be which was really hard to get past during my recovery. I made a list of things I thought would help our friendship and he started opening back up to me (though we were together at an event almost every weekend).

Six weeks after he'd broken up with me, he came to me and wanted to try again. I hugged him and cried, so happy that he'd let me back in. Things went well for awhile, but I was under a lot of stress trying to find a new job and place to live since the home I'm in has a lot of issues, several affecting my health. I didn't understand why he didn't want to live with me since he'd been willing to live with two other girlfriends in the past who treated him poorly. It made me feel like he didn't trust me, and I took it personally. I told him that weekend that I was super stressed and I didn't understand why he didn't try to help me more--that that's what you do when you love someone, and what I'd been trying to do for him.

The following Thursday he broke up with me again, saying he just wanted to be friends and that we're too incompatible. That really upset me because I'd worked so hard to trust him again, and he'd promised he wouldn't give up on us again after we'd gotten back together. I told him he couldn't just make that call--that he hadn't even been acting like a friend to me. He got upset and we didn't talk a few days. I apologized and told him I was trying to work my stuff out and was still trying to cope with being in a relationship with an Aspie. He reiterated he just wanted to be friends--"stop trying to fix us and fix our friendship". That riled me up because he was the one sabotaging us and not acting like a friend.

I was quiet for about 24 hours and then saw he'd posted something meaningful to both of us for sale on Facebook page. I asked him why he was selling it and he said he needed the money. I told him I'd help him out and he said he didn't want to owe (I'd been helping him for months before this and never gave him any guff about when he'd pay me). I added it meant something to me and he got irritable and said he'd go thru a hard time for me and not sell it. I told him I didn't want him to struggle or be upset with me and then he said he's missed a report arguing over this sh*t. I apologized, but he'd blocked me. It really struck me as he'd never been that hostile or agitated with me.

The next day (Tue) he posted something everyone could see but me to Facebook, effectively saying to all our friends that he tried to force feelings with someone he didn't love, and he wished he could fall in love organically again. (I found out because he'd friended two of my friends and they both contacted me to see if I was ok, and when I didn't know what they were talking about, they sent me the post). That broke me in a way I cannot describe because he'd been the one telling me for months how much he loved me and needed me, and that our bond was special--it made me feel as though it was all a lie (he can be manipulative), and he's only the second person I've ever been in love with. It was so hard to open up to him and trust him with my heart, and he swore to always protect it even before we were together.

The next day (Wed) he removed me from our group chat, and when I clarified I didn't say I was out of the group, he wouldn't re-add me. He also listed a bunch more of his expensive stuff he'd been so excited to get for sale. The next day (Thurs) he reposted the item for sale that he'd told me he wouldn't sell to spare my feelings. I didn't contact him.

I had a small movie-watching party at my house that Saturday that he normally would be been at. After one of our mutual friends shared he thought he was being so hostile to do with a situation with his ex, I started to worry his anger was getting the better of him and I wanted to help. I realized just how much I love him to be able to push past all of my hurt and feelings of betrayal to reach out to him. So after 4 days of no contact, I texted him that Sunday and said I'd just like to chat about how to handle the group together. Things were ok at first--it was then he informed me that he want in the best of moods because he'd been demoted at his job (and he was struggling before because they pay him dirt). I broke down and cried... All I've wanted is for him to be happy and get to the place where he believed he could have more and do better (he lives in a small efficiency not in great shape not in the best part of town and has to walk everywhere).

So I took a mutual friend home that lives not too far and then texted him, saying I wanted to forget the last 3 weeks and just come out there and be a friend to him--take him wherever he needed and pick him up some food. I also said I'd bring the extra alcohol and he could have it on his own if he didn't want to drink it with me--no strings attached. He said he appreciated that, but that he couldn't be around me for awhile... That's when I knew he blamed me for his demotion, and I had to pull over because I started crying so hard. I told him I guessed I would have to keep things professional to not be hurt and would finish his resume after I got home and send it tonight (it took all my strength to not say something in anger because of how much I was hurting), and he still retaliated and accused me of being selfish and never respecting what he wants and that he needs to be alone. When I went to respond, he'd blocked me again. I did not speak to him for 5 days until I texted this past Friday just to ask if he'd gotten his updated resume 5 days prior. He said yes--nothing more. I'd expected to see him at an event this past weekend, but got anxious and upset again when I realized he wouldn't show. I asked him yesterday via text if he'd re-add me to the group chat and have not gotten a response.

I'm so afraid he's giving up on the part of himself that believed he could be a good man... I feel like he's circling the drain and giving in to fear and anger, and I so desperately want to help him... For him to know I didn't mean some of what I said and that I still believe in him. My heart is aching for him--I don't want him to be angry or hurt or feel hopeless. I am so lost--I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing and pushing him further away. It scares me just how much I love him, and there's nothing I want more than to show him I won't leave him or give up on him like everyone else, but he's pushed me so far, I'm afraid it's out of his heart. After all we've been through, I just cannot handle leaving things like this--he means too much to me, and I know what I mean to him even if he's angry right now.

It was all I could do to not go to him yesterday--I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks (we hadn't gone more than 3-4 days without doing something together). I have this overwhelming urge to go to him today after work just to check on him... To tell him I'm not going anywhere and that I still believe in him, but I'm afraid I'll just be met with more hostility. I can take it--I just don't want to do anything to drive him further away... I don't know how to reach him, and it's breaking me inside... I want to respect his wishes, but my instinct is telling me every day I leave it be, we grow further and further apart. I understand he's struggling to feel in control of his life and he thinks I don't understand, but I do...

What do I do? Should I go over there to just tell him I wanted to check on him and give him the chance to let me in if he needs me? He has no car and I live 40 miles from him--it's not like he can come to me... Please help!

I read all of this as best I could. Frankly, this doesn't look like an Asperger's problem, it looks like a problem that is unique to him. If it were me, I would have been a lot more straight with you. Ask yourself this. Do you enjoy drama? If you don't, hit the road. If you do, keep pursuing him. I'm sorry it's that simple - and it's perfectly fine if you're like some of those Taylor Swift songs, and you've just gotta have that guy who is trouble for you. I get that. I too, am drawn towards women who give me a hard time. But if you're not... ? Why keep dealing with it?

He sounds like a real jerk...I mean I get he's on the spectrum but that is no reason to severely mislead someone like that. I mean it sounds to me like he's the one who wanted a relationship with you initially, though you did to but sounds like he mentioned his interest in a relationship more than friends with you first. Then he turns around and breaks up with you within what a month of dating? takes you back after a few weeks promises he wont give up on the relationship only break up with you the following Thursday....and gets angry when he thinks you're making efforts to fix your relationship with him.

Also it's severely passive aggressive that he posted something concerning you and him to everyone but you...Id be pretty offended if me and my boyfriend where having some sort of issue in our relationship and he just posted it on facebook for all but me to see without even talking to me about the problem. Not to mention the content was basically that he's been leading you on he doesn't love you and has been faking all his feelings towards you seems to be the message. IDK if I were you I would move on...his aspergers isn't a reason to treat people like that. I mean if he needed more alone time or really feels a romantic relationship cannot work between the two of you....there is no reason he couldn't have discussed these things with you civilly rather than being hostile and taking out anger on you. You don't have to cut him out entirely but I would move on from trying to have a relationship beyond friendship with him. If he tries to say he wants you back romantically...turn him down or the whole cycle will just continue.

^ Nail in the casket.

Typical relationship issues. Just with an Aspie spin on his end. Just treat it like it was anyone. I only got half way thru the post but that far in it sounded like it was time for you to move on. I would not give him another chance if he wants it. He has shown no steadfastness or reliability, his promises to the contrary.

Hello lovely lady,

I really feel for you and I'm glad to be seeing male AS's thinking the same as me - AS or not, he's a jerk. AS does not make you act like a jerk.

He actually sounds a lot like my ex but a watered down version! I just made my first post tonight although I already know the answer - my ex is an abusive ass no matter what he may be diagnosed with or suspected to have.

And that's just the reality of life and relationships. Sometimes you get drawn into a person and they turn out to hurt you and not care.

AS people care. Jerks do not.

(I'm coming from an NT perspective so I hope I am not inadvertently offending any AS people out there).