I need some help
13 Aug 2016, 9:01 pm
To be honest, I'm really not sure what I want out of this... I guess just some opinions from people who are like minded.
I had a meltdown at a restaurant today with my Husband. He is now very upset with me and decided to spend the night sleeping at the kitchen table. He told me he wanted me to write down what happened to see if other people think what I did was terrible.
To give you some background, I just recently about 2 months ago realized what has been going on with me my whole life. I saw a commercial on tv about how children with autism have a hard time looking into other people's eyes. I thought to myself, wow I've always felt that way. Amongst many other reasons. I took a test to see if i was on the autism spectrum, and I fell into the range of aspergers. After I figured this out a lot of things started to make so much sense to me. When I showed my Husband what I had found out about myself he wholeheartedly agreed with me that this explains so much.
Onto what happened at the restaurant...
I got a gift certificate for dinner and a movie from my parents. We went and saw Life of Pets. I was getting a little anxious at the end of it, waiting for it to be over.
It ended and we made our way to a couple towns over to eat dinner. The place I picked is an expensive place, but the only thing I like there is reasonably priced and on the lunch menu. When we arrived we were told it was too late for lunch. We arrived 30 minutes too late. Our waitress told me they couldnt make my sandwich, which only consisted of bread, fresh mozzerella, tomatoes, pesto, and spinach. I was amazed at how that couldn't possibly be slapped together. I didn't say any rude words to our waitress. I told my husband I didn't know if I still wanted to eat there. He made a disapproving sound and said "do you want to go" ( he is known to have anger issues, maybe because he's delt with me all of these 8 years) and I didnt want to anger him so I ordered soup off of the menu. Even though he asked if I wanted to go I still didn't want to make him go somewhere else. Then everything started to get worse. I told him I wanted to leave after we ordered... After the possibility of leaving passed. He wouldn't talk to me because he thought I was mad. Which in turn made me think people were staring at us not talking to each other. On top of that we were sat by a group of rambunctious old drunk women. We were also sat right next to the bathroom so there were people walking by us constantly making me feel like they must know we're fighting. I tried to download a game on my phone to pass back and fourth with my Husband but, he refused and said he'd rather talk. I wanted to talk but when im feeling incredibly anxious I can't say anything. I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry. I told him I wanted to go to the bathroom and he sighed... So I didn't go.
Then we get home and I tell him I acted that way because I was trying to accommodate him. Because I didn't want to upset him. But it became too much.
He thought I was just pouting and acting out. I tried to tell him that was definitely not the case.
When we got down to it I told him that, in order for me to act normally I have to find out my triggers. I also really need to be more vocal of my needs. I said that if I would have told him I was feeling anxious after the movie everything probably would have been fine. We would have just went home and had dinner there. We could have saved the gift certifacate for another night. But, he's concinced I'm only blaming him.
Any advice for us friends?
13 Aug 2016, 9:14 pm
I'll tell you this and be brief about my own experiences.
I 'self-diagnosed' myself aspergers in 2012 after a very similar course of events. Joined this site and found myself relating to many of the issue spoken about by diagnosed people and that furthered my assumption, which mind you, may still be true, I don;t know...
But when I 'discovered' this, I thought it would help my marriage and make me easier to understand and deal with for my wife. That she'd be able to tolerate some of my annoying things because there was a reason and ways to handle things. It did the opposite. I think it caused me to amplify some of those tendencies as some weird result of the self validation I got from my 'discovery'. IT caused her to view me in a lesser way, in a more helpless and hopeless way. That these things would never get better because I have something 'wrong with me'. It also made me feel i was entitled to extra understanding when all it did was burden my wife further. I fell too much into I can't help it thinking.
THat isnt the whole story, but we're seemingly irreparably separated now. Probably getting divorced.
IF you really are on the autism spectrum, dont cast too much of that burden on your spouse. I cant tell you how to, but controlling your outbursts instead of accommodating them is key. You have to learn to fight through anxieties with the idea of keeping them happy. The alternative is far worse.
13 Aug 2016, 9:36 pm
to be honest, whether you're autistic or not, that doesn't sound like a meltdown to me. it sounds like a normal situation. run-of-the-mill relationship issues. if i were you, i'd look elsewhere in your recent daily life. were you really that upset about your sandwich? probably not. it was just the last straw. so what's actually bothering you? maybe it has to do with your relationship itself, or maybe (i'd say even probably) it doesn't. trouble at work, maybe? that's the typical scenario
don't focus on the superficial things (triggers etc). trust me, it will drive you crazy. because there's always tons of triggers all around everywhere all the time. all it takes for them to appear is stress, no matter if you're autistic or just sensitive. and if you don't spot and address the actual cause of the stress, and you keep focusing on all the "last straws" of daily life, things will only get worse. you'll become a victim of something you could take control of, and then it will be a battle of validation and invalidation
my advice: apologize for the situation. it doesn't matter who was right, i don't think it can even be established anyway. it's just a matter of expressing a desire to be cooperative and validating his perspective. but make it clear that there's something you need to work through and that you don't really know yet what it is. ask for understanding. take a step back when things get heated
agree to disagree until an established time ("tomorrow", "the evening", "next week"), and honor your promise. if you still need more time, then do stop to talk about it for a moment anyway, until it's clear that you're both "agreeing to disagree for now" (naturally, if it keeps going on indefinitely, then that's a sign that something more fundamental is wrong, but hopefully it won't come to that). take some time alone to cool down and reflect, if needed. and make it clear that you're not "giving him the could shoulder" or "the silent treatment", and you really just need to be free from pressure for a moment
and if your husband asks for a moment alone himself, give it to him. as long as he's not vilifying you, there should be room for it. try not to take it personally if at all possible
13 Aug 2016, 9:53 pm
I had a meltdown at a restaurant today with my Husband. He is now very upset with me and decided to spend the night sleeping at the kitchen table. He told me he wanted me to write down what happened to see if other people think what I did was terrible.
To give you some background, I just recently about 2 months ago realized what has been going on with me my whole life. I saw a commercial on tv about how children with autism have a hard time looking into other people's eyes. I thought to myself, wow I've always felt that way. Amongst many other reasons. I took a test to see if i was on the autism spectrum, and I fell into the range of aspergers. After I figured this out a lot of things started to make so much sense to me. When I showed my Husband what I had found out about myself he wholeheartedly agreed with me that this explains so much.
Onto what happened at the restaurant...
I got a gift certificate for dinner and a movie from my parents. We went and saw Life of Pets. I was getting a little anxious at the end of it, waiting for it to be over.
It ended and we made our way to a couple towns over to eat dinner. The place I picked is an expensive place, but the only thing I like there is reasonably priced and on the lunch menu. When we arrived we were told it was too late for lunch. We arrived 30 minutes too late. Our waitress told me they couldnt make my sandwich, which only consisted of bread, fresh mozzerella, tomatoes, pesto, and spinach. I was amazed at how that couldn't possibly be slapped together. I didn't say any rude words to our waitress. I told my husband I didn't know if I still wanted to eat there. He made a disapproving sound and said "do you want to go" ( he is known to have anger issues, maybe because he's delt with me all of these 8 years) and I didnt want to anger him so I ordered soup off of the menu. Even though he asked if I wanted to go I still didn't want to make him go somewhere else. Then everything started to get worse. I told him I wanted to leave after we ordered... After the possibility of leaving passed. He wouldn't talk to me because he thought I was mad. Which in turn made me think people were staring at us not talking to each other. On top of that we were sat by a group of rambunctious old drunk women. We were also sat right next to the bathroom so there were people walking by us constantly making me feel like they must know we're fighting. I tried to download a game on my phone to pass back and fourth with my Husband but, he refused and said he'd rather talk. I wanted to talk but when im feeling incredibly anxious I can't say anything. I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry. I told him I wanted to go to the bathroom and he sighed... So I didn't go.
Then we get home and I tell him I acted that way because I was trying to accommodate him. Because I didn't want to upset him. But it became too much.
He thought I was just pouting and acting out. I tried to tell him that was definitely not the case.
When we got down to it I told him that, in order for me to act normally I have to find out my triggers. I also really need to be more vocal of my needs. I said that if I would have told him I was feeling anxious after the movie everything probably would have been fine. We would have just went home and had dinner there. We could have saved the gift certifacate for another night. But, he's concinced I'm only blaming him.
Any advice for us friends?
Most of these types of posts are from people who actually acted out in an, immature, inconsiderate and socially unacceptable way, but in your situation, it sounds as if your husband was the one who was being immature.
Perhaps your husband needs some counseling.
The_Face_of_Boo
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Age: 41
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Posts: 32,886
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14 Aug 2016, 12:37 pm
don't focus on the superficial things (triggers etc). trust me, it will drive you crazy. because there's always tons of triggers all around everywhere all the time. all it takes for them to appear is stress, no matter if you're autistic or just sensitive. and if you don't spot and address the actual cause of the stress, and you keep focusing on all the "last straws" of daily life, things will only get worse. you'll become a victim of something you could take control of, and then it will be a battle of validation and invalidation
my advice: apologize for the situation. it doesn't matter who was right, i don't think it can even be established anyway. it's just a matter of expressing a desire to be cooperative and validating his perspective. but make it clear that there's something you need to work through and that you don't really know yet what it is. ask for understanding. take a step back when things get heated
agree to disagree until an established time ("tomorrow", "the evening", "next week"), and honor your promise. if you still need more time, then do stop to talk about it for a moment anyway, until it's clear that you're both "agreeing to disagree for now" (naturally, if it keeps going on indefinitely, then that's a sign that something more fundamental is wrong, but hopefully it won't come to that). take some time alone to cool down and reflect, if needed. and make it clear that you're not "giving him the could shoulder" or "the silent treatment", and you really just need to be free from pressure for a moment
and if your husband asks for a moment alone himself, give it to him. as long as he's not vilifying you, there should be room for it. try not to take it personally if at all possible
This is very well put.
I'll only add to this and my previous point a caution to not be too comfortable in regards to how the OP interacts with her husband about this subject. To use this newfound perspective as a way to show improved behaviors, not excuse existing bad ones, as I tended to. And to not ever assume that the bond of your marriage is so strong you can cast all weight on it haphazardly because even the strongest bonds can break if you aren't careful. Years of small incidents slowly become huge fissures in a relationship.
Maybe I'm over-identifying on this one too... but it just sounded so familiar with the genders flipped.
14 Aug 2016, 4:55 pm
Restaurants are NOTORIOUS drama spots for any couple. This type of thing is totally normal, even if some say it isn't? Every relationship I've been in had situations like this, and I don't think Asperger's is a factor, except adding anxiety from other people hearing the conversation.
I also totally relate about the lunch menu crap. These people just want to make money, period, and I recommend cheaper dining from now on. I find expensive restaurants usually just serve the same crap as a bistro.
14 Aug 2016, 5:24 pm
i was once charged 5 euros for a "croque monsieur", which sounded like something fancy to me at the time. it turned out to be two paper-thin slices of bread with a paper-thin slice of cheese in between. i'm not even sure if there was butter. i was hungry, goddammit!
