I knew this would happen (angry at 'date')

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Hey. This is more of a rant at myself but I'd be curious to know if anybody else experiences this too.

Whenever I start to entertain the possibility of romance with someone (a rare occurrence), I enjoy the initial flirtation, as much as I can with social impairments anyway. And then, out of the blue, I get very angry and contemptuous of the guy in question. Not to his face, just in my mind; it's like a switch is flicked. It's happened before and so I've been waiting to see if it happens again with a guy from work I'm currently getting to know. Sure enough, he text me today and my brain got all the signals of anger. All I could think was 'f**k off. Just f**k. off.'

I think maybe it's a protection method because I don't think it will work out? Or possibly I'm projecting my internal frustration onto him? Any thoughts would be welcome, as it's very bizarre and it always happens, without fail .

Very definitely self-sabotage. What makes you do this?

Yup , would have to somewhat agree... I get the same feeling when people turn up uninvited or without warning despite telling them in the past the reason i would like a heads up... used to get angry as in my mind i thought they knew how i felt... After thinking about this i realised That i was somewhat expecting people to know how i feel but realised they dont and never will, so in effect i was somewhat sabotaging myself with expectations of peoples actions and thoughts to naturally understand how i feel about said situation... I have retrained the brain so when i get those feelings of frustration towards the other that i analyse and work out if it is them or just my internal coping mechanisms kicking in... When i realise they actually haven't done anything wrong and that i have just internalised it by blaming the other for making me feel this way, i now realise this is somewhat wrong and now dont feel those feelings when it happens... I sometimes do when i have specifically expressed i need some 'Me' time. but if its just someone turning up because they need to pick something up i dont get so flustered...
This i think happens when we create our own internal reasoning that may seem logical at the time but isnt, your mind has found the easiest possible route to deal with situation. However it doesnt mean its the minds way of being correct... In time i managed to replace the automatic responses to that of something a little more logical for the situation. Fear of the unknown and the unexpected outcome of certain emotions that can be very strong for those on the spectrum in someways inadvertently creates its own internal/external meltdown... Especially when faced with new situations or even more when it comes to possible romantic interests.. I think its the body's way of dealing with new situations that are not common place everyday actions where coping mechanisms havent yet naturally developed... You mentioned you had a similar experience with parents doing something nice, because it was unexpected and because it doesnt happen every day you havent found a positive way to cope with the sudden sensory overload.
Maybe also because the overload is similar to what you feel during negative experiences this has also been adopted for positive experiences..... Just my thoughts

I think this is probably a good call. It didn't feel exactly the same as the recent incident with my parents (where I also behaved irrationally/angrily to a rationally positive stimulus), so I didn't recognise it as such immediately. Sometimes you need an outside perspective!

The self-sabotage angle is probably correct, as the prospect of this relationship is very scary to me. However the connection to personal space and perspective is likely more pertinent. I have put myself in social isolation and so I guess I feel as though this guy is getting into my personal space/my 'me' time, even though I have invited him to do so.

In other words, like Uncle says, I have created internal reasoning that seems logical to me, and become annoyed when this guy hasn't automatically understood that. Why does my brain make everything so complicated?! I suppose recognising the problem is the first step to working on it At least I wasn't mean to him like I was to my mum and dad, that made me feel so guilty

Thanks guys

No worries Its hard when we have in some respect all created our own 'safety bubble'! its just sometimes we need to add a window to that bubble to trust in letting someone in to share and understand but this can often backfire and the window gets closed and the bubble wall thickens... and the more negative experiences occur the more i/we use that bubble of contentment to hide away while at the same time our yearning to be accepted and understood is often trod on, due to the hypersensitivity for many on the spectrum, this can lead to what NT's experience as hurt and a little disappointment to that of someone on the spectrum feeling like the world has just dropped behind them, the excessive confusion, sadness, lonelyness and even guilt ecompasses in your own bubble for days/weeks and even months on end... This is not something many people will ever understand and i feel for those on the spectrum that gain trust in someone to then be crushed! HOWEVER, not every one is like this and sometimes you have to go through an intense amount of pain in this world to 'possibly' meet someone that you can fully connect with.. Even though my window is closed for the time being, i will NOT give in and hope one day i can experience that MUTUAL connection i have always wanted... Hope is my best friend

I think you are angry at the situation and the problem is the lack of control from your point of view.

If you really like this guy, don't put yourself through the whole texting back and forth routine. Just decide what you might enjoy doing with him, then invite him to do it. Put yourself in charge of what happens between you and him (I guess one might call this "empowerment"). If that doesn't work out, then do the same with the next guy you fancy.

I think you have a pretty high sensitivity comfort zone/castle keep you've set up. Very easy to upset your layout. Very Aspie. But relationships are the opposite and are really going to mean making some changes if you want it. Relationships are about flexibility and merging your systems in something mutually satisfactory. Taken in steps it may be do-able for you. We are all different. For some its a lot harder then others. That the positive aspects of relationships take more front & center will help I think. The best way to deal with the loss of something (your old system of isolation for instance) is having something in its place to absorb your thoughts. That is if there are positive aspects to focus on.

What's your MBTI personality type?

Dating is and has always been off-limits to me, but I can relate to the “f**k off” feeling. I really like it when people f**k off.

Architect INTJ-A, hadn't looked into Myers-Briggs before but the description is uncanny. One part that stands out re. my issues forming romantic ties:



Maybe this is part of why I get angry like this; I have decided it isn't going to work. It wasn't a flash of anger, one-and-done thing, I am now constantly annoyed by this poor guy... still hiding it, but it's like he's been written off in my mind Don't know how to feel about that...

I like it too! Maybe I just have to let go of the whole dating thing, I don't get it and it feels very forced and false when I'm doing it. Everything about it seems like a waste of my time, and I just can't understand what I (or anyone?) could get out of it. Lots of other people seem to find something there, or to need it, but eventually I always wind up back at the "f**k off" feeling

pre-empting failure.

Maybe you start to get to know him and he becomes annoying.