Guys who've been 'ghosted'/ need to vent

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Hi, I have an unusual request.

Long story short I went out a couple of times with a guy. I told him I was autistic, that it wasn't working for me, that I found dating confusing and difficult to the point of distress. He just ignored it really, and said he will be patient and try and help me to get there. I can't do it. To emphasise my point I've been ghosting him - it got to the point where I didn't know what else to do.

Sometimes I catch him and he seems very annoyed, passive aggressive, ignoring me etc.. Then he will 'forgive' me I guess and come and give me another chance. I don't want, need or deserve another chance. This is a part of me that just doesn't work, and I see no sense in dragging it out with him only for it to go nowhere.

I feel like he's forgiving me too readily (more than I want him to), and I know that this is at least in part because I am autistic. He said 'don't worry, I get it, it's hard for you. It is hard for me, but it must be hard for him too. Why hasn't he given up?

The unusual request: I don't want this sympathetic forgiveness from him. I am aware of social protocol even if I don't 'get' it and I know that my behaviour is cold. It probably hurts. He has anxiety and self-esteem issues. If you have ever been ghosted by a girl, please can you just tell me very honestly how it feels. I want to ask him to tell me but he wouldn't be honest because of his other feelings.

I was ghosted once, many years ago. Similar to your situation - we had gone out a couple of times, then she became distant but didn't break it off. I spent a lot of time and energy calling and trying to nurse the relationship back to life (a lot more than I would spend today, but I was young). I knew she had a lot going on in her life and wanted to give her the time and space she needed. If she had wanted to get closer again I would have been willing to take it as slowly as she needed in order to be comfortable. I knew I was dating someone who needed some patience and I was fine with that. Instead, she finally confessed that she had wanted to break it off but didn't want to have to tell me. Maybe if I weren't on the spectrum I would have figured it out myself, but I missed out on the mind-reading gene. I was upset with her - not for ghosting me but for the lack of communication.

That's my experience. Yours may be different despite the similarities. I hope that helps.

I simply ghost her back.

And it's devilishly satisfying when I see a girl trying to get my attention after I retaliate her ghosting of me.

Ok, I had no idea what "ghosting" was so I looked it up on Urban Dictionary. I haven't dated in a few years, is that acceptable dating behavior nowadays? I would be offended. Just straight up talk to him about this in a polite way and let him know you are very serious and not just being shy about dating. I see no sense in just ignoring someone and hoping they go away. People with ASD have problems reading people at times, but so do many other people especially when emotions get in the way. Maybe you could write up what you would say to him and we could help you with making sure it is clear and precise and that he will get the point.

Yes, they see it as acceptable nowadays.

The optimum of disrespect - is not acknowledging someone's presence.

Like "blocking" someone on a social networking site but in real life eh? *sigh*

It really hurts to be "ghosted"--and it annoys me, too.

I can understand "ghosting" if a person just doesn't take no for
an answer.

Ghosting is an utterly deplorable thing to do to someone. It feels horrible because, as a guy, there is nothing even close to closure and you have no idea where you stand. I remember when it happened to me it was a couple of weeks before I figured out I was single. What happens is you leave a guy not knowing he's been left when he could go ahead and move on. Ghosting effectively means he's left hanging on not knowing if you dumped him, are in a coma, in the psych ward, or dead. Exactly what is a guy supposed to do with that?

But there is a time and place for it. 1-3 dates and it's just not working for you, you owe nothing. Dude is a creep and a proper breakup might endanger your life, slip out the back, Jack. He has a bad attitude and disrespects your mother, you've never seen the guy before in your life. You get the idea.

Ghosting long-term? Just don't (with above exceptions). Plan a full day on a weekend, drop it on him at the end, and plan to stick around as long as it takes. Even if it's NOT long term, never ghost someone you've had sex with. Always let him know, i.e. TELL HIM it's over. Once you do that, you owe nothing.

Technically it's not ghosting if you do that. If the guy won't leave you alone after you've dumped him, cut off all contact. That's not being cold. That's looking after your personal safety and emotional well-being. The best thing both exes can do is make a clean break and redefine your lives apart. I'm not necessarily on speaking terms with all my exes, but even my most contentious ex are at least back on friendly acquaintance terms. I even hear from my "golddigger" ex sometimes. I ask her how her hubby is doing, how are the kids, etc. Every two or three years, I email my other ex (we ended on good terms). But they are not a significant part of my life. You don't have to completely shut people out forever, but sometimes people just CAN'T be "just friends." Maybe on down the road. But if you have to break up, BREAK UP!! !

I guess this is just limited to dating? I'm 38 and I feel like people who I am friends with ghost me all the time. It's truly painful. I grew up in foster homes from age 11-18 and I missed out on any typical normalcy. My childhood was severely warped and I remember watching my extended family getting along REALLY well and not understanding how.

Same situation here. And it's often the ones I feel the most emotionally attached to, so it stings even more for me.

No, it is typically an online thing.

For example you send her a question over Whatsapp or facebook message and you can see that your message has been marked as read, yet she never replies, even after a second attempt.

What's funny though that when you encounter her in real life by chance, she would act nothing is wrong happened between you two.
She might be like "Hi, how are you?" as if she didn't treat you like a ghost online.
This happened to me few times and I so wanted to ask "why you never reply to my texts?" but I never did - I prefer to avoid confrontations.

So ghosting is simply a method of acquaintance-zoning, it is a way to tell you that they are not interested in you more than a mere acquaintance. And they expect you to accept it gratefully too.

I still find it direspectful though, and hence why I ghost back the one who does it to me, and in real life I wouldn't cross the room to salute them unless I bumped into them accidentally.
One girl who ghosted me (2 times in a row) noticed that sudden change of behavior (she was on the side of the place, but I didn't went to her to salute her as usual) and the funny thing that she came to me asked me if I am if all is ok because I was less interactive - and I was like "yes thanks, all is fine" and continued talking to the other person. What did she expect? That I will be as friendly?

This is how you should treat the ones who ghost you; they don't deserve any better.

Please no one gives me the "be the better person" speech bs, I don't function like this.

Btw the local term is "to garbage him/her".

Wow, is this something that is very common? I am completely out of touch with the current online and offline cultures, and glad to be so. It is hard enough being social as an aspie, but then if they are going to start adding in this "ghosting" thing, that sounds like it would just add on to making things more difficult for us. Earlier tonight I was thinking about trying to be more social but I am constantly being reminded of why I am so cautious with allowing people in to my life.

Thank you all for your replies.

I think the ghosting is at least semi-justified in my case because my initial breaking-up was ignored. Maybe if I were more socially equipped to deal with it then I would be doing something other than ghosting, but there you go.

I am sorry this has been done to all of you, whether romantically or by friends. It was helpful to see your annoyance/hurt/confusion etc. put into words. I think I will ask him to evaluate his feelings in a similar fashion, although it's 'not the done thing'- I'm awkward, whatever; once he feels comfortable being annoyed with me, he should get sick of trying, right? I hope so.

To me it sounds like you were never really a couple, you just dated a few times and he wanted to be exclusive with you but you weren't ready for that with him or maybe with anyone.

I wouldn't call it "ghosting" when you weren't an official couple anyway. If you tried to tell him you weren't comfortable being labelled his girlfriend, you didn't really want to date him anymore, you don't want sympathy or additional second chances or forgiveness, you told him in no uncertain terms that the relationship wasn't working for you etc. and he still acts like he thinks he's your boyfriend--you're not ghosting him. He's clueless and he's worse at recognizing a breakup than you, as an autistic person, are at dating.

I know you were primarily asking for input from guys who've been ghosted, and I'm an ASD woman so what I said might not fit what you were looking for. But if he doesn't respect you enough to accept and acknowledge your intended breaking-up messages then you pretty much have to ignore him, to protect yourself if nothing else.

Anything is appreciated

If we didn't have to see each other then it probably wouldn't feel like ghosting. Unfortunately we work in the same place so I do see him, and therefore I have to make my 'ghosting' more deliberate. Some days he is angry at me from what I can tell, and then later in the day he comes and tries again, or messages me etc.. I do get that I'm harder to read/deal with than normal girls, which is why I was very open about what I felt and why (this took a lot of effort). Alas, it seems to have backfired; every blunt thing I say he writes off as unintentional aspie-ness...

But yeah, it isn't/wasn't a relationship as far as I'm concerned.

Not sure if it's really ghosting if you break it off and they wont listen and still act like you're their girlfriend leaving you no other real option than to cut off contact. I have been ghosted by guys but they didn't tell me they thought it wouldn't work out beforehand just stopped talking to me out of the blue.

One time though I met a guy at a bus stop and exchanged numbers, told him we could get together sometime the following week and start getting to know each other to see if a relationship would work between us. Well once I got on the bus he started spam texting me demanding to know when exactly we could see each other, saying how much he missed me and a bunch of stuff to which I told him I'd let him know when I figured out a time to meet up and reminded him we weren't a couple yet and I'd have to get to know him before deciding if I'd be his girlfriend.

I tried to be patient and such but he wouldn't stop and just got more aggressive with it so I just stopped responding after telling him I didn't want to meet anymore and he was being rude. But yeah I don't feel that was the same as ghosting someone you've led to believe you like.