How do I stop scaring away every girl I meet?

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Hydrochlorick
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27 Feb 2017, 7:26 pm

Hey guys,

I've (24M) been told I'm a pretty appealing person. And, to be honest, I am quite confident and content with my appearance, shallow charisma, physical fitness, and sense of fashion. When it comes to initial attraction, I haven't the slightest difficulty, and years of experience have gotten me almost completely over my social anxiety. I'm pretty good with approaches and first impressions.

I get that no one wants to hear an "attractive" person whine, but there isn't anything more upsetting to me than knowing that I'm attractive enough to appeal to most women at first, and my personality is repulsive enough to scare literally every single one of them away.

I don't even understand what I'm doing wrong. I've been told I'm too forward/open, but when I try to wear a facade, the complaint just switches to me seeming disingenuous and judgmental (not even sure where this one is coming from?).

I don't know what to do. This should be easy. I'm financially stable, emotionally mature, physically attractive, and passionate about multiple different hobbies. Life was almost easier back when I could blame shallow things like my lanky appearance.

I guess my question is: where do I start? I'm somehow good at shallow interactions (I've even sold cars for a living for over a year), but when it comes to depth, I'm just doing it wrong. I just don't get what normal people do that is so very different. I generally focus on the other person; I know people like talking about themselves. I also try to laugh basically every time that I don't immediately have a response. I guess I have a tendency to ask people what subtext they're trying to convey—perhaps I should stop that? What are some good resources for me? Anyone have any tips? Can someone just say I'm not completely alone?



kraftiekortie
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28 Feb 2017, 9:32 am

I hope you are not emphasizing how good-looking and, overall, great you are.

This would be an extreme turn-off to most people.

Though it wasn't to Lady Bird Johnson. Her husband, Lyndon Johnson (later the US President), proposed to her on, I believe, their first date. He was a very bombastic and boastful man--and, apparently, Lady Bird liked that aspect of him.

In most cases, though, I would at show at least a little humility, if you are not already showing it.



rdos
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28 Feb 2017, 9:49 am

Short answer: Game playing being NT might work on the superficial plane, but if you are not like that naturally, then you will still fail when you leave that plane.

Remedy: Stop playing NT, be yourself, and start looking for NDs instead.



Peacesells
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28 Feb 2017, 1:24 pm

What the hell does 24M mean?



Hydrochlorick
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28 Feb 2017, 1:25 pm

Goodness no I don't speak highly of myself in these scenarios, haha. Occasionally I'll make an "excessively cocky" joke, which tends to actually be well-received.

I try to focus most conversation on the other person, generally. Chiming in with personal anecdotes to try to relate.

As for ceasing to pretend to be NT, I get that makes sense. But, I really haven't found many other ASD/AS individuals in life. Or maybe I'm just really bad at detecting it? That's certainly possible.


And 24M was meant to quickly describe my age and gender.



Peacesells
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28 Feb 2017, 1:33 pm

Hydrochlorick wrote:
And 24M was meant to quickly describe my age and gender.

Wow you seem pretty good, I can't imagine myself doing something like selling cars, looks difficult and scary to me.



Hydrochlorick
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28 Feb 2017, 1:34 pm

Peacesells wrote:
Hydrochlorick wrote:
And 24M was meant to quickly describe my age and gender.

Wow you seem pretty good, I can't imagine myself doing something like selling cars, looks difficult and scary to me.


Definitely is scary and difficult! Ultimately, the anxiety from it got the better of me. But it was invaluable for developing what little skills I have.



Peacesells
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28 Feb 2017, 1:51 pm

Hydrochlorick wrote:
Definitely is scary and difficult! Ultimately, the anxiety from it got the better of me. But it was invaluable for developing what little skills I have.

Congrats again! What do you do now?



Corny
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28 Feb 2017, 1:53 pm

From what I read about you. I think you're a really nice and friendly person. I don't understand why no women would want you. I find nothing wrong with your personality but I'm autistic and probably don't know if it's too open or not since I'm that way.



Hydrochlorick
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28 Feb 2017, 1:55 pm

Peacesells wrote:
Hydrochlorick wrote:
Definitely is scary and difficult! Ultimately, the anxiety from it got the better of me. But it was invaluable for developing what little skills I have.

Congrats again! What do you do now?


Now I work at an Apple Store. Apparently being able to remain completely emotionally removed while explaining things to potentially upset customers is very valuable there haha!


@Corny I appreciate the kind words! I've definitely noticed I get along better with fellow ASD/AS individuals.



Corny
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28 Feb 2017, 1:56 pm

You don't have to act NT. I have autism and tell people flat out that I have it and be myself. Just do that. And see how that works out.



Corny
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28 Feb 2017, 1:58 pm

Hydrochlorick wrote:
Peacesells wrote:
Hydrochlorick wrote:
Definitely is scary and difficult! Ultimately, the anxiety from it got the better of me. But it was invaluable for developing what little skills I have.

Congrats again! What do you do now?


Now I work at an Apple Store. Apparently being able to remain completely emotionally removed while explaining things to potentially upset customers is very valuable there haha!


@Corny I appreciate the kind words! I've definitely noticed I get along better with fellow ASD/AS individuals.

I saw that there's a dating section on this site. So maybe you can do that with a female user that as well as ASD/AS.



Sweetleaf
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28 Feb 2017, 2:10 pm

Hydrochlorick wrote:
Goodness no I don't speak highly of myself in these scenarios, haha. Occasionally I'll make an "excessively cocky" joke, which tends to actually be well-received.

I try to focus most conversation on the other person, generally. Chiming in with personal anecdotes to try to relate.

As for ceasing to pretend to be NT, I get that makes sense. But, I really haven't found many other ASD/AS individuals in life. Or maybe I'm just really bad at detecting it? That's certainly possible.


And 24M was meant to quickly describe my age and gender.


I don't really know any other ASD people, and I don't pretend to be NT.


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Peacesells
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28 Feb 2017, 2:12 pm

Hydrochlorick wrote:
Now I work at an Apple Store. Apparently being able to remain completely emotionally removed while explaining things to potentially upset customers is very valuable there haha!

Are you one of these folks called geniuses? And did you get a permanent contract?



Hydrochlorick
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28 Feb 2017, 2:14 pm

Peacesells wrote:
Hydrochlorick wrote:
Now I work at an Apple Store. Apparently being able to remain completely emotionally removed while explaining things to potentially upset customers is very valuable there haha!

Are you one of these folks called geniuses? And did you get a permanent contract?


Not quite. I work in the Genius Bar, but I'm technically ranked below the actual geniuses. I basically only work with mobile devices. No macs. The work isn't really "contracted". I'm hired part time with no determined end date. I'll hopefully be leaving once I graduate college to find a real job, but we'll see. I can live with being there for a while longer. It's a nice place.