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harriet
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09 Mar 2017, 8:44 am

Hi there everybody,

I would really appreciate some advice from fellow Aspies.

So basically, I have been in a relationship for the past two years, with a guy I was friends with for a year before that. On and off throughout this time, I have felt an absence of love, which has really worried and bothered me. A lot of the time, I tell my partner I love them, but I feel I am lying and this upsets me. At the same time however, I do not feel i DONT love him. In fact, I am just not sure how, or what I feel. I know I do not want to break up with him. But this absence of feeling feels very wrong. Other times it is definately there and I feel intense love, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud, but then it disappears again.

I am struggling with a sense of boredom and frustration in general in my life. I feel I do not want to talk to anyone or do anything. I feel an absence of motivation. I enjoy things, I do enjoy talking with people, I experience pleasure throughout the day, but I feel no desire or motivation to connect with people.

I am also aware that I have felt consistently low-level depression for a long time now. I have been depressed since I can remember, although it was different in the past, severe. For the past year or so it has just felt like this, absence of joy and happiness that doesn't kill me but I can cope with. I am trying very hard to understand all this.

Usually I work from home, which really helps reduce my exposure to sensory stuff, but the past few days I have had to go out and travel by public transport etc. I literally almost burst into tears at the council the other day because everything felt so loud, so much movement, so much visual stimulus etc. It was literally physically and emotionally painful and I felt like I went into shock afterwards. I could not speak to my boyfriend or concentrate on anything he was saying to me and even he became concerned because he said it was not normal to see me like that. Yesterday I had to repeat the experience and I was profoundly stressed the entire time.

My brother, who it very interested in pyschoanalysis, said that the sensory overwhelmement may be a form of trauma, and this trauma may be forcing me to operate on survival mode, or rather, become numb to my feelings because daily existence is just so painful. I was at work a while ago, teaching a class, I love my students, I get on so well with them, nobody would know I have Aspergers. We were laughing and joking and I was having fun, yet I suddenyl just felt an overwhelming urge to burst into tears. I feel this often when speaking with people. I realise that one way or another, I am always deeply stressed.

For a long time now I have lived off adrenaline and caffeine, and both these things felt very good. But recently I finished my Masters and cut down on coffee and I just feel so flat and empty.

And about my boyfriend, I have never had a relationship longer than 3 months in the past, I struggled to attach to all of them. At least I feel the attachment to him is stronger than anything I ever had to anyone else.

I spoke to the psychoogist who diagnosed me about this and she said she has other Aspie clients who sometimes doubt if they love their own children. My father definately went through this. She said sometimes you just have to say it even if you don't feel it at the time. And she also said that when we are suffering a lot, it can block out the feeling of love, like with depression.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this? When I speak to my neurotypical sisters they just say I'm not in love and this idea really distresses me.

Thank you.



Keigan
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09 Mar 2017, 12:07 pm

Research Alexithymia.

Vitamin B12 like Focus Plus.

I am trying to understand 'indifference' in myself and my relationship also. The more I learn the more I am accepting of "I'm wired this way" and that is ok - it will be up to my partner to decide if my actions are enough as there will never be more of an emotional connection. Mine is DNA not environmental.



harriet
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09 Mar 2017, 4:25 pm

Keigan wrote:
Research Alexithymia.

Vitamin B12 like Focus Plus.

I am trying to understand 'indifference' in myself and my relationship also. The more I learn the more I am accepting of "I'm wired this way" and that is ok - it will be up to my partner to decide if my actions are enough as there will never be more of an emotional connection. Mine is DNA not environmental.


Thank you for replying Keigan, I will definately research Alexythymia. I am curious why you mentioned B12? Thank you for the suggestion... I was born and have always been Vegan, and there were many years where I didn't know to supplement B12. I've been taking Mb12 for maybe 5 months now, 1000mcg a day, a just started with adeno too, but I am wondering if chronic deficiency could have messed up my neurotransmitters. I don't know how long it might take to recover from that, if it all. Did you think B12 could be related? Thank you.



Keigan
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09 Mar 2017, 5:45 pm

The Focus Plus B12 is 20,000 times the regular dose, you'll feel your mind calm and focus within 10 minites. Take on the morning, then on the next week add an additional in early afternoon.



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11 Mar 2017, 9:47 am

@harriet please don't worry about whether you "love" your boyfriend or if you are "in love" with him.

If you are satisfied with most aspects of your relationship, do not wish for somebody else, and do not want to be alone, (and he feels the same way) then you have all the reason you need to stay with him.


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nick007
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19 Mar 2017, 2:52 am

MaxE wrote:
@harriet please don't worry about whether you "love" your boyfriend or if you are "in love" with him.

If you are satisfied with most aspects of your relationship, do not wish for somebody else, and do not want to be alone, (and he feels the same way) then you have all the reason you need to stay with him.
This
I wonder if your taking any meds for depression &/or stress. Perhaps it would help if your not & if you are maybe it's time to increase the dose or make a med change. The fact that you feel like crying so easily is a worrying sign.


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harriet
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23 Mar 2017, 6:28 pm

nick007 wrote:
MaxE wrote:
@harriet please don't worry about whether you "love" your boyfriend or if you are "in love" with him.

If you are satisfied with most aspects of your relationship, do not wish for somebody else, and do not want to be alone, (and he feels the same way) then you have all the reason you need to stay with him.
This
I wonder if your taking any meds for depression &/or stress. Perhaps it would help if your not & if you are maybe it's time to increase the dose or make a med change. The fact that you feel like crying so easily is a worrying sign.


Hi MaxE and nick007, thank you for your responses. Funnily enough I have been thinking a lot about trying medication. If anybody has any thoughts on this I would greatly appreciate it. When I was diagnosed last year the psychologist wanted to refer me to the psychiatrist at the autism centre to put me on medication but I basically said I wanted to try natural methods. Over the past year, I have tried SO many different vitamins and supplements, including 5-htp (I have maybe 3 weeks of experience of this one but not feeling results), Inositol, vitamin D3, different types of B-12, B vitamins with folate, now awaiting B-vitamins without... I just cannot seem to escape this feeling of non-happiness, downright misery half the time, chronic stress from sensory overload, and, at its best, just emptiness. I honestly cannot remember ever being really happy, in my entire life. I am wondering if the problem is not getting the serotonin into my brain, afterall, 5-htp should be doing that, but rather it's getting re-absorbed too fast. I don't know. Either way I'm beginning to surrender to the idea that maybe the doctors know better than me and that maybe I really should try medication. I'm just really scared. My dad has had depression his entire life too and I believe he has undignosed Aspergers and ADHD. He went on anti-depressants when I was a teenager and ended up attacking my brother. I know another person who topped themselves after starting Prozac. I'm really afraid of the long-term consequences, side effects, and don't want to believe that there isn't a natural solution to this, but I'm beginning to really believe my brain is just broken.

My boyfriend and I had a massive fight at the weekend because he wants kids and I don't, in a big part because of all of this stuff. The ironic thing is, I honestly never felt so in love with him as at the idea of us breaking up. Maybe I'm just miserable with or without him. I have spoken to an Occupational Therapist this week about trying to develop a sensory diet, and I have started getting relaxation massages at the weekend and practising pilates at home.. but I am still miserable. Is there anything else I can do? I don't know how to cope with this Aspergers/OCD/depression nightmare. Thank you in advance.



nick007
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24 Mar 2017, 2:01 am

^^^ I tried 5HTP but it made me more moody. I also tried Inositol & B vitamins & they didn't do anything for me either. Talk to a doc/psych about what happened when your dad tried antidepressants & which one it was if he remembers that way they can avoid it. I'm not sure which antidepressant would be a good one to start with thou. BetaBlockers like Inderal/Propranolol are sometimes used for stress & can help anxiety. I take it for a tremor disorder & don't notice any side-effects except for lowering my blood-pressure some but I'm not on a very low dose. I take the med Busapr for general anxiety & it helps alot without side-effects. The mental side-effects in both those meds are probably less than antidepressants but you never know how a psych med will affect you until you try. Both those meds can be taken together & with lots of antidepressants but it's best to take meds one at a time.


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harriet
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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Joined: 11 Jan 2016
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Location: Portugal

29 Mar 2017, 5:13 pm

nick007 wrote:
^^^ I tried 5HTP but it made me more moody. I also tried Inositol & B vitamins & they didn't do anything for me either. Talk to a doc/psych about what happened when your dad tried antidepressants & which one it was if he remembers that way they can avoid it. I'm not sure which antidepressant would be a good one to start with thou. BetaBlockers like Inderal/Propranolol are sometimes used for stress & can help anxiety. I take it for a tremor disorder & don't notice any side-effects except for lowering my blood-pressure some but I'm not on a very low dose. I take the med Busapr for general anxiety & it helps alot without side-effects. The mental side-effects in both those meds are probably less than antidepressants but you never know how a psych med will affect you until you try. Both those meds can be taken together & with lots of antidepressants but it's best to take meds one at a time.


Thank you so much again for your reply Nick007. It-s good to know you found something that worked for you with minimal side effects. I have been on 5-htp and Inositol a d B vitamins for a while now, but I increasingly feel that depression is not the original problem.

Every day these past few weeks I have come home from work in a state of extreme stress and rage. It's the traffic, all the cars, the movement, the noise, policemen whistling, ringtones beeping, people smoking right next to me, tasting pollution in my mouth... I was at the gym recently and I passed a weight from one hand to another and then felt shocked as a sudden cloud of aluminum-smell appeared in the air. i couldnt believe just changing hands had been enough for me to smell the metal from the weights... I didn't even realise they had a smell... I just felt overwhelmed all the time, like I'm in a constant state of pain, because it is painful, a constant state of anger at all these people for making so much noise etc. feeling like the temperature is either too hot or too cold... I am seriously stressed out all the time, come home feeling emotionally overboard and cant face talking to anybody. I just don't know how to cope with this. I made an appointment with an Occupational Therapist but she said she couldn't help me now I'm an adult. I have been getting massages the last two weekends, which helps, until Monday... I go to the gym and just get even more revved up. I don't know what to do. Would medication take all this away?