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Why is attraction so nonsensical

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Sweetleaf
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28 Mar 2017, 3:50 pm

rdos wrote:
I really think that "attraction" is something superficial that should be avoided. Especially sexual attraction. In addition to that, I basically only see strangers as attractive, so using attraction as a prerequisite for relationships would be highly maladaptive for me because as soon as I get to know them better, the attraction would be lost.


That makes no sense to me...sex is nice in a relationship so it can certainly be preferable to be with someone you find sexually attractive.


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hurtloam
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28 Mar 2017, 5:25 pm

Rdos seems to have found something that works for him. It won't be for everyone, but I'm kind of envious of his complete certainty that he is living the best way he can and is so content that he wants to share his methods of getting there.

We are all different.



rdos
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29 Mar 2017, 2:11 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
rdos wrote:
I really think that "attraction" is something superficial that should be avoided. Especially sexual attraction. In addition to that, I basically only see strangers as attractive, so using attraction as a prerequisite for relationships would be highly maladaptive for me because as soon as I get to know them better, the attraction would be lost.


That makes no sense to me...sex is nice in a relationship so it can certainly be preferable to be with someone you find sexually attractive.


Yes, but I only find sex based on attraction bad and superficial. When the component of sexual attraction is removed, sex actually can be pretty nice after all. It then becomes more of a spiritual thing instead of crude attraction.



314pe
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29 Mar 2017, 9:32 am

hurtloam wrote:
314pe wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ This conversation is the result of gender differences.

But this topic is very useful for us aspies. Now you can see that for most people, it's very important how they "feel" about you. If you seem odd or unusual, for example, then you have no chances. Your character won't matter if you won't trigger this initial attraction.


So would you go out with someone you're not attracted to? And why?

No I would not, but the difference is that I can't be attracted if it doesn't make sense. I can only be attracted to people I'm compatible with. If the other person shows no interest in me or if I don't see us together in the future then I can't be attracted to them. Does it make any sense to you?



jrjones9933
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29 Mar 2017, 9:51 am

Get over the idea that people are overwhelmingly rational. People use their reasoning ability to justify what they already want to do.

Research indicates that people will form a positive impression based on smell. They don't rationally assess the relative importance of smell in a relationship. Their bodies and emotions find smell important, and the intellect runs to catch up making whatever rationalizations the person needs to justify doing what they feel.

Obviously, you are an exception. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.


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hurtloam
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29 Mar 2017, 1:24 pm

Well I must say I've never been into someone who I don't like the smell of. Especially smokers.



rdos
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29 Mar 2017, 1:26 pm

314pe wrote:
No I would not, but the difference is that I can't be attracted if it doesn't make sense. I can only be attracted to people I'm compatible with. If the other person shows no interest in me or if I don't see us together in the future then I can't be attracted to them. Does it make any sense to you?


Yes, but that is not really attraction. It's a huge problem that the word attraction is overused for so many different things. I'd call it "interest" rather than attraction.



rdos
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29 Mar 2017, 1:28 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Well I must say I've never been into someone who I don't like the smell of. Especially smokers.


I'd have to say that I've had long-term love interests in girls without having any idea about how they smelled, so I'm sure this is a non-issue for me.



hurtloam
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29 Mar 2017, 1:30 pm

314pe wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
314pe wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ This conversation is the result of gender differences.

But this topic is very useful for us aspies. Now you can see that for most people, it's very important how they "feel" about you. If you seem odd or unusual, for example, then you have no chances. Your character won't matter if you won't trigger this initial attraction.


So would you go out with someone you're not attracted to? And why?

No I would not, but the difference is that I can't be attracted if it doesn't make sense. I can only be attracted to people I'm compatible with. If the other person shows no interest in me or if I don't see us together in the future then I can't be attracted to them. Does it make any sense to you?


No. I've been attracted to people that I know I'm not compatible with long term. I've enjoyed their personality and how they make me feel and I've felt physically attracted to them, but there were things like age difference or they wanted children and I didn't or we had different goals in life or they were married. Things that wouldn't work out in the long run, but they were still attractive to me.

I've even known people be so attracted to each other that they got married and then realised that they were not compatible.



rdos
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29 Mar 2017, 1:31 pm

jrjones9933 wrote:
Get over the idea that people are overwhelmingly rational. People use their reasoning ability to justify what they already want to do.


Certainly.

jrjones9933 wrote:
Research indicates that people will form a positive impression based on smell. They don't rationally assess the relative importance of smell in a relationship. Their bodies and emotions find smell important, and the intellect runs to catch up making whatever rationalizations the person needs to justify doing what they feel.


I suppose you mean smell is important for NTs? Because I'm sure there is no research if it is also important for NDs. It could be, but I doubt it.



hurtloam
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29 Mar 2017, 1:34 pm

rdos wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Well I must say I've never been into someone who I don't like the smell of. Especially smokers.


I'd have to say that I've had long-term love interests in girls without having any idea about how they smelled, so I'm sure this is a non-issue for me.


Smells have put me off men. I don't mean body odour. But how they smelled clean. I don't know if it was their aftershave or fabric softner, but the way it mixed with their natural odour put me right off. Interestingly I can be put off by how a man's body reacts to alcohol. It can smell really bad.

I think that it can be an issue for NDs too. Some have sensory overload issues with smell and the smell of a person can be part of that.



rdos
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29 Mar 2017, 1:34 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I've even known people be so attracted to each other that they got married and then realised that they were not compatible.


That only shows how useless attraction is for forming good relationships. Besides, physical attractiveness change with age, so if you only rely on that, separation is a given.



Sweetleaf
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29 Mar 2017, 1:37 pm

rdos wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
rdos wrote:
I really think that "attraction" is something superficial that should be avoided. Especially sexual attraction. In addition to that, I basically only see strangers as attractive, so using attraction as a prerequisite for relationships would be highly maladaptive for me because as soon as I get to know them better, the attraction would be lost.


That makes no sense to me...sex is nice in a relationship so it can certainly be preferable to be with someone you find sexually attractive.


Yes, but I only find sex based on attraction bad and superficial. When the component of sexual attraction is removed, sex actually can be pretty nice after all. It then becomes more of a spiritual thing instead of crude attraction.


Well in my case its not based on attraction alone, I love my boyfriend for a lot more than his looks..but yeah I dont think I'd find sex more enjoyable if I didn't think my boyfriend was attractive, I think being attracted visually helps at least for me.

Based on past my experiences though looks/attractiveness aside, I find sex to be best with someone I love...its better with my boyfriend than any of the past guys who I've had sex with...who I cannot say I developed the same feelings of love for.


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Last edited by Sweetleaf on 29 Mar 2017, 1:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rdos
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29 Mar 2017, 1:39 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Smells have put me off men. I don't mean body odour. But how they smelled clean. I don't know if it was their aftershave or fabric softner, but the way it mixed with their natural odour put me right off. Interestingly I can be put off by how a man's body reacts to alcohol. It can smell really bad.


But our culture promotes highly dysfunctional standards in this area. People have a much more keen sense of smell nowadays because of the cleanliness norm, and I'm sure that when this was not the norm, people weren't put off by smells. If anything, it should be particular smells that attracts people, and not particular smells that puts people off.



hurtloam
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29 Mar 2017, 2:24 pm

rdos wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I've even known people be so attracted to each other that they got married and then realised that they were not compatible.


That only shows how useless attraction is for forming good relationships. Besides, physical attractiveness change with age, so if you only rely on that, separation is a given.


That's pretty much my original point. Attraction feels so good, but it's not a good indicator of who is a good match for us most of the time. It's weird. It's a great feeling, but often misleading and you have to combat it with common sense or you'll end up making a mistake.

A person is really lucky if they find someone who they are not only physically attracted to, but also spiritually and mentally attracted to. Like Sweetleaf. She hit the jackpot. I know other people in her shoes and they are happy too.

Attraction isn't all bad. It's just misleading and frustrating on its own if there is nothing more substantial between us and the other person.



The_Face_of_Boo
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29 Mar 2017, 2:41 pm

hurtloam wrote:
rdos wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I've even known people be so attracted to each other that they got married and then realised that they were not compatible.


That only shows how useless attraction is for forming good relationships. Besides, physical attractiveness change with age, so if you only rely on that, separation is a given.


That's pretty much my original point. Attraction feels so good, but it's not a good indicator of who is a good match for us most of the time. It's weird. It's a great feeling, but often misleading and you have to combat it with common sense or you'll end up making a mistake.

A person is really lucky if they find someone who they are not only physically attracted to, but also spiritually and mentally attracted to. Like Sweetleaf. She hit the jackpot. I know other people in her shoes and they are happy too.

Attraction isn't all bad. It's just misleading and frustrating on its own if there is nothing more substantial between us and the other person.


Sweetleaf used online dating.