Tempted to contact ex

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Its been close to a month of not talking and I'm super tempted to get in touch.

I know he will be busy/away a lot until September so I'm sitting pretty and thinking maybe I'll do it then.
He's unlikely to reach out to me and take initiative... thats just how he is.

Just thinking of asking what he thinks about the relationship & breakup now its over and he's had time to think things over.

Also thinking maybe if we took the pressure off and were just friends... either I'd come to see we don't work and get over it...or we'd find a way of working things out. Better ways of communicating and understanding without the pressure of being romantically involved.

Just thoughts.

Blah blah blah.

Well why did you break up? If you were fighting all the time I don't think much would change. And if you EVER felt he might be emotionally abusive stay away. I went through that once myself and I think autistic people are easy victims for those kind of people. We just don't understand the tricks they play and we want so bad to be a good partner.

But if you just had a little fight sure lots of couples get back together. Obviously there is something drawing you back to him.

No. Just no.

This culture of manufactured finality is absolutely crazy. I don't think anyone should leave themselves in the dark.

Don't go back. PLEASE! Just don't.

To be honest, I've had to break up with 3 absolutely amazing women. One of those was a girl I'd been IAR with since 9th grade, ended halfway through college because she'd become abusive towards me. I hated to dump her because she was truly extraordinary, I felt guilty for having been her first...EVERYTHING, and I still loved her like crazy. In the end, though, none of that mattered because I finally came to terms with the fact that we'd never truly be happy together.

The other two relationships were nice. One was an all too brief fling, the other was just, well, AMAZING. Really only broke up with her because I had to make a choice and I'm not sure if I could make a two-woman relationship work.

Y'know, I STILL have strong feelings for them. The last one I could be on speaking terms with if I chose to, the other I have no idea how to reconnect with, and the first--it's just best we let the past stay in the past and leave it alone! The relationships are OVER. DONE. Ships and bridges burned. No going back. No expectations for anyone to change anyone else or to change for someone else. Moved on to new relationships, experiences, having children, etc.

Going back and trying to be "just friends" never works. You'll always fall into the trap of false civility when things have calmed down and you've been apart long enough to forgive and forget. It's only a matter of time before the old patterns resurface and you start ripping into each other again.

I'll also admit that my wife and I broke up at one point and had other lovers besides at another point. We'd become best friends in spite of it all and it just felt wrong to keep trying to stay apart. I'm well aware that it's possible to reconcile or start over. But people don't really change--which was how my wife and I were able to work it out while we were still dating. Once you or your partner expose yourselves for all your ugliness and incompatibilities, there's no reason whatsoever to imagine it can work out later on. If you break up with a decent person for other reasons like, say, it just didn't feel right at the time, or you'd been interested in someone else and it didn't work out, then, yeah, you MIGHT be able to reconnect and pick up right where you left off. It's a great feeling if you can get that.

But I think you already know who he is and who you are and what that means for who you two were together. I think you know that doesn't paint a pretty portrait of a relationship. Going back would be so easy. Except it's not going to be any different than before. That could be a positive thing under the right circumstances. In your case, it's NOT positive.

If I were you, I'd wait NO LESS than a full year and a day from the day you broke up before you try talking to him. Trying to start back up now will only end in tears.

Mileage varies.

Usually does...but this relationship is a lemon. It's not even worth anything in the salvage yard. Let this one rust in peace.

Well you have to let people take initiative.

I find it rude to rate people on any kind of scale from ___ to 'decent'.

Thats true. I deleted him from FB though. He'd probably message me on there with something he found online as a conversation starter... but I doubt he'd call me up or start texting me 'just to say hi'.



Either we are incompatible or we just didn't deal with the situation very well. I really can't decide. Hence wondering if we could just be friends at a distance for a bit. I'd probably carry on dating people if that was the situation. Wondering if the lack of pressure would give me the answer to this question.

There were problems, I'd say one was my failure to set some clear emotional boundaries from the outset, and also not really enforcing them either. And possibly poor timing in life. He is in 'career' mode and - his profession is notorious for making it difficult to maintain relationships... as is mine. (I've just applied for a job that would mean I leave town from August until March.)
In addition I went through some very testing personal circumstances and started to pile pressure onto the relationship. He's the kind of Aspie who finds highly charged emotional situations to be kryptonite. He wasn't abusive but he didn't quite treat me properly either. He wasn't really there for me when I needed him to be.



I see. So when you feel like its wrong to be apart and not be friends - thats ok. But when others its not ok.

Its true that I'm probably validating the bits of bad behavior I had from him by reaching out.

Validating at best, enabling at worst.

TBH i find this a bit offensive... our relationship didn't have no value.

It's important to also remember that there is his side to consider.... wonder what he would say. He didn't talk at all when I dumped him.

Also my side is tinted through a lense of a massive personal trauma going on at the time. I'm only starting to recover properly 6 weeks later.

It's been really hard I feel like two people died and I've had on/off fantasies about slitting my wrists. It's really bad. •not because of him but literally my life fell apart. The story with him is one aspect of a life earthquake :/

It's not meant to be offensive. A bit insensitive, maybe, but empathy and validation aren't exactly our greatest strengths around here. I'm sorry things went badly. But they went badly for a reason. Given his behavior, I don't believe you really had a relationship, or at least not much of one.

That's telling.

Sorry to hear.

I don't know your story. But I know someone whose grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack right in front of her. She was very close to him. When she came back home after being away for the funeral, her bf screamed at her because he thought she'd been cheating on him.

Awful things happen. Yes, sometimes those things affect how we perceive other people, things, or events. But that doesn't mean there are NOT issues elsewhere. I highly suspect your first instincts here are correct. Don't let those legit issues cause you to second guess yourself where you really are on the right track.

Understood.

Good thing it's so simple, seismometry.

Trade secret is giving them the benefit of the doubt first, and see how decent and entertaining they get over time.
Impressions do count but then so does carrying on with how long the love can hold out, before something drastic happens. In some professions they carry torches but in others, flares.
I was actually a fool to think something could happen the way i planned out finally, only for it not to.
At least the OP has a chance of just getting back in touch, for me its not as plain sailing as that. Plus I made a lonely bachelor revert into an even more lonelier bachelor. I should feel guilty, but I don't. All I can think of is you lied to me, broke my heart in two (and i reckon he knows it),Do i feel pity?, yes, but the other half is saying, stand up for yourself more and be someone.Anyone. My silence often speaks volumes and now he's hoping I'll make the first move and get back in touch with him? Well, hell no. He wounldn't have wanted my experiences and I dont need fast players and false moves. You're not winning, you're losing self respect. I don't deal with emotional blackmail very well and now I'm thinking, mutual links or not, some people are not for changing, trading places with or inditing friendships.
I've saved myself from what would have been an emotional shipwreck so far, some people can break down eventually through slow rigid routines and drowning in self composure. I saved him from two weeks of that. He thinks he's saved me from disappointment. From drowning in more sorrow and disquiet maybe.
When one mans own suffocation has taken its toll, another one comes along to take his reserved place.
Why do women always get the last blamegame for a mans poor or heightened ego, self esteem and lack of respect and empathy they've shunned, on the assumption it'll all stop once they meet thewoman of their dreams one day. They don't even know how to embrace a woman. Some grow old through insighting failure, others through more growing desperation tags. You need to try and embrace the character, or you'll be swarmed by scary ghost stories and old bereavements. I just needed one to fall all google eyed over. Famiies would have nothing in common either and be even more suffocated by the madness engulfing it.

I know what this sounds like, a sob story to bail out someone eles woe. Which is exactly that.
If the Op wants to grant this bloke another chance, I hope shes counted up all the reasons why it should work out.
Seeing though he last said I'll be going away for a long time..actions speak louder than words alone.


If they're away alot like in the forces, they'll use skype, so I'd be prepared for heightened social shitchat if i were you.



I think she feels s**t enough as it is. Perhaps speak for yourself more when speaking about empathy, it may not be your best trait but each to their own.

Last edited by Empathy on 07 Jul 2017, 7:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Conversely, female actions usually speak louder than male actions OR words.

Blergh. Patriarchy? We know that's boring.