A partner won't make you happy

Page 1 of 3 [ 47 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Earthling
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Aug 2015
Posts: 3,450

27 Dec 2018, 4:41 pm

(Note my own hypocrisy: I'd like a partner too, just like you. But these throughts exist at the same time.)

Maybe you think that if you had someone in your life that it would all be better. But you don't know if that's true.

A lot of people are actually horrible to be around.
You will be happy to be rid of them and single again as opposed to staying.
Also, being single means you're free to do anything YOU want.

Do you even know the impact a partner has on your life? Positive and negative! Are you sure that you even want that?

If you're the forever alone kind of person, someone who is genuinely interested in you won't make you suddenly lose all your self-perceived inadequacies. In fact, you might even be convinced that they are lying to you.
Are you even able to accept love at this point? Do you realize that love doesn't cure depression in the long term? If your life is sh***y right now, then what is your life going to be with a partner? (hint: it's a sh***y life with a partner. Don't underestimate the sh***y part) Maybe you need to do some inner work first.
Maybe you need to think your life through and make some changes before you can be happy again.

Maybe it's got nothing to be with being rejected by others, maybe it's got something to do with you rejecting yourself.



Prometheus18
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Aug 2018
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,866

27 Dec 2018, 4:45 pm

I, like you, believe that a romantic partner would make me less rather than more happy, in all likelihood. You're wasting your time trying to convince some of the others here of this, though.



XFilesGeek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jul 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,031
Location: The Oort Cloud

27 Dec 2018, 4:49 pm

Good luck with this thread.

Some people here are convinced that they will only ever be happy if they're in a relationship. Even the ones who have suffered life-long depression, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts think that having a partner will immediately "fix" them.

Personally, I'd never date anyone who was %100 reliant on me for their happiness.


_________________
"If we fail to anticipate the unforeseen or expect the unexpected in a universe of infinite possibilities, we may find ourselves at the mercy of anyone or anything that cannot be programmed, categorized or easily referenced."

-XFG (no longer a moderator)


TUF
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 10 Dec 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,464

27 Dec 2018, 4:58 pm

This is true and, from personal experience, the best time to meet someone is when you don't care either way. Not when you don't want someone and not when you're desperate.
When you're desperate, especially if you're autistic or have LD or are poor or something which doesn't help you be socially adept and/or makes you upset, you attract the wrong type of person. They prey on people who are desperate to be needed. This can come in the form of anything from an abusive friendship to an abusive relationship to a cult.
I'm really glad that I've had relationships when I didn't care either way about getting into one because if not, I would have a horrible cycle of being bitter about the relationships I did have. The relationships I had when desperate were really bad for me.
I know it's hard if you're desperate to get out of that feeling, but start by treating yourself as your own lover. I don't just mean bedroom time lol. Spend time on the things you like. (Easy enough to know what they are as an aspie). If you can afford to, buy yourself presents. If holidays upset you, especially Valentine's Day, buy yourself your favourite thing if you can afford to, or just write a list of all the things you love about yourself or make something you would like.
The right person will sense this love of yourself. Not an unhealthy, narcissistic sort of love, simply a sense of confidence in yourself and lack of desire to change dramatically for just anyone who comes along. They will think 'well, if that person's confident there must be something to be confident about'. It can be a fine line - don't get narcissistic, but be aspie about this and value concrete traits. For eg, don't think 'I am the best person ever'. Think 'I am above average at such and such a skill' or 'I know more than most about such and such a topic'
And if not, then being so-so about being in a relationship, which will come with time, will allow you to be single and happy rather than being forever alone.
I realised the other day that as some people are incel, I'm 'volcel'. I'm not a virgin but it's been 5 years. I'm happy with that. If the right woman came along, someone who added value to my life, I'd maybe date. But I don't need anyone to be happy. And because of that, it's realistic for me to have standards and set boundaries more than if I was unable to say no.



Raleigh
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jul 2014
Age: 124
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,178
Location: Out of my mind

27 Dec 2018, 4:59 pm

Yeah, anything remotely positive or helpful quickly slips off the page here.

My partner has and still does make me happy, btw. :mrgreen:


_________________
It's like I'm sleepwalking


The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,753

27 Dec 2018, 5:10 pm

There's a significant difference between being between relationships and never having had any relationships to speak of, despite wanting them and trying to get them. The latter can make you feel alienated from your peers, inadequate as a romantic/sexual human being and force you to believe that the prospect of a relationship is out of your reach indefinitely. It can create something of an inferiority complex, and the only way I can see to rectify it is to gain dating experience and start gathering empirical evidence that you can indeed be other people's cup of tea and that helps you to see that even if you're out of a relationship now, you can get one in the future. It's when you have no reason to feel like you'll ever be able to get a relationship that it becomes a tarnish on one's self-esteem.

It's unrealistic to expect a relationship to make every single problem in your life go away forever, but it's equally unreasonable to expect someone who craves romantic/sexual attention and who never gets any to be satisfied with their lot in life. Getting a girlfriend or female attention might not make everything in life better, but it sure has the potential to help chronically single men recover from rational feelings of inadequacy.



sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 16,181
Location: US

27 Dec 2018, 5:25 pm

Im a social person so it will for me. I derive my happiness from interacywith others not from activities or hobbies.
There’s many different ways to derive happiness and non or wrong ways.



Prometheus18
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Aug 2018
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,866

27 Dec 2018, 5:32 pm

I think the danger here is in being as it were, TOO logical; the reasoning above boils down to "I'm unhappy because I don't have a girlfriend, therefore, if I had a girlfriend, I should be happy". Real life is never that simple or logical; the fallacy here is the so-called fallacy of "nothing-buttery". Real facts about the world can never be considered in isolation.

One must perhaps ask himself why he wants a girlfriend; if, for example, it's to compensate for feelings of inadequacy due to the way his mother treated him, then replacing her with another mother figure won't necessarily help. I'm not saying that this is the case for anybody here, but usually, there's an underlying issue for which obtaining a girlfriend is as it were a treatment of the sympoms rather than the disease itself.



Earthling
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Aug 2015
Posts: 3,450

27 Dec 2018, 5:41 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
There's a significant difference between being between relationships and never having had any relationships to speak of, despite wanting them and trying to get them. The latter can make you feel alienated from your peers, inadequate as a romantic/sexual human being and force you to believe that the prospect of a relationship is out of your reach indefinitely.

No. You're the one doing this. It's voluntary.
Almost anyone feels bad for being rejected, but the conclusions depend on the person. Some people can't even take one rejection while others have no problem taking as many as they like.
Where do you find emotional support? A real person, not on the Internet.



BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,088

27 Dec 2018, 5:44 pm

I'd say it is about the same. More highs and lows with a partner. 15 year LTR. But I'm generally happy without one as well.



The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,753

27 Dec 2018, 5:47 pm

Prometheus18 wrote:
I think the danger here is in being as it were, TOO logical; the reasoning above boils down to "I'm unhappy because I don't have a girlfriend, therefore, if I had a girlfriend, I should be happy". Real life is never that simple or logical; the fallacy here is the so-called fallacy of "nothing-buttery". Real facts about the world can never be considered in isolation.

One must perhaps ask himself why he wants a girlfriend; if, for example, it's to compensate for feelings of inadequacy due to the way his mother treated him, then replacing her with another mother figure won't necessarily help. I'm not saying that this is the case for anybody here, but usually, there's an underlying issue for which obtaining a girlfriend is as it were a treatment of the sympoms rather than the disease itself.

Well I can't speak for others, but for me it's simply a matter of hormones having kicked in when I was a teenager as it does for most boys, desiring a relationship very much then, and the desire never being satiated like it seems to have been for most other boys (now men) and thus the desire compounding over time, along with feelings of ineptitude and hopelessness as a result of an inability to get that which I crave being a relationship and female attention.

The same way we have physical needs such as food, shelter, water, we also have psychological needs that amongst other things include the need to be validated as a romantic/sexual being by the opposite sex(if you're heterosexual), which is particularly pertinent if you desire a relationship.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

27 Dec 2018, 5:52 pm

I absolutely agree with that Grand Inquisitor is saying.

I believe, though, that it's best to hide that impending desire for female companionship---from the females---until you get to know one better.



The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,753

27 Dec 2018, 5:55 pm

Earthling wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
There's a significant difference between being between relationships and never having had any relationships to speak of, despite wanting them and trying to get them. The latter can make you feel alienated from your peers, inadequate as a romantic/sexual human being and force you to believe that the prospect of a relationship is out of your reach indefinitely.

No. You're the one doing this. It's voluntary.
Almost anyone feels bad for being rejected, but the conclusions depend on the person. Some people can't even take one rejection while others have no problem taking as many as they like.
Where do you find emotional support? A real person, not on the Internet.

Continued failure in any facet of life is going to make you feel inadequate at whatever you're failing at. When you want something over a long period of time, do what you can to get it and are unsuccessful each and every time, you're going to feel like a failure. Each person's threshold for failure is different, but when you see that everyone around you has had some degree of success while you are unable to get any despite very much wanting it, there is no other way to react except to feel inferior, at least with regard to whatever you're trying to get.

The fact is, based on previous experiences I have no reason to think that a relationship is going to come my way, and when you're someone that wants a relationship and has done for a very long time, that prospect is distressing, if not downroght soul-destroying.

I get my emotional support from family to answer your question.



The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,753

27 Dec 2018, 5:57 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I absolutely agree with that Grand Inquisitor is saying.

I believe, though, that it's best to hide that impending desire for female companionship---from the females---until you get to know one better.

This is something I've come to learn too. It's a bit of a moot point for me though as I'm not currently meeting any women.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

27 Dec 2018, 6:13 pm

Are you in an urban part of Australia----like Sydney/Melbourne/Adelaide or similar?

My opinion---is that you are coming to some realizations based on common-sensical thought, and that you stand a better chance than if you don't come to these realizations.



The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,753

27 Dec 2018, 6:18 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Are you in an urban part of Australia----like Sydney/Melbourne/Adelaide or similar?

My opinion---is that you are coming to some realizations based on common-sensical thought, and that you stand a better chance than if you don't come to these realizations.

Yes. I live in a capital city