Do looks make a big difference for us?

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Fireblossom
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30 Dec 2017, 10:04 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Everyone knows how intelligent or attractive they are.


I wouldn't be so sure about that. People who have serious self esteem issues tend to look down on themselves and say there's nothing good about them. Not because it's true (at least not in most cases) or because they're just being modest, but because they themselves think so, because they can't see the good things.



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30 Dec 2017, 10:04 am

hale_bopp wrote:
If I was forced to give my looks a ranking out of 10, it would be 5.5.


No, i remember what you look like, you're at least an 8/10.


As for the topic:

When i was younger i was looked at by girls, not all the time, but some made their interest very clear. At that time i was so shy and uncertain about myself and didn't know how to talk to girls, so i stayed away. Ugly duckling syndrome. Later even now in my 40s when i shave, comb my hair and put away the casual clothes, i've had women of all ages say "wow" and similar things when they pass me by. Even teenage girls have looked at me, probably some daddy issues or something. I was a member of a dating site and was rated as a 7 (some lower, some higher), which is way higher than i thought of myself.

I just don't have the energy or can be arsed to take care of my looks. Takes too much energy and when i head out, i just throw a jacked on and head out.

As for a partner (not that i waste time looking for someone, really sick of internet dating atm), i'm always go for a cute face, long black/brown hair and green/brow eyes. I could never be with someone who had "a nice personality", that does nothing for my penis. However, if she would have a bad personality, i could probably not stay with her.

Most of the girls/women I've talked to on dating sites have terrible personalities, low empathy and some issues that they would be better off if they had solved before going on a date, which has made me really judgemental about girls and the whole idea of trying to find someone you can stand being with, like a drop in an ocean stresses the hell out of me and i close down my account after 2-3 weeks of membership. I haven't been on a date since January 2013 and i really do not miss it.


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BTDT
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30 Dec 2017, 10:11 am

My wife pointed out that I was more attractive that I valued myself. She wished she could have been more attractive to match me. Its not just guys that are attracted to an hourglass shape.

I think that being able to know and ignore unwritten social rules is an Aspie trait. And it is related to our difficulties in socializing. Weirdly enough, Apies often have trouble ignoring written rules that NTs have no trouble ignoring. My driving has gotten a lot better since I've made these realizations. 8O



Ichinin
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30 Dec 2017, 10:15 am

Fireblossom wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Everyone knows how intelligent or attractive they are.


I wouldn't be so sure about that. People who have serious self esteem issues tend to look down on themselves and say there's nothing good about them. Not because it's true (at least not in most cases) or because they're just being modest, but because they themselves think so, because they can't see the good things.


And some people overestimate their intelligence, many with narcissistic traits. They cannot finish anything because they are total unproductive idiots, incapable of achieving anything, at most they can produce some crap document that does not change anything. I've met a few in the government world. They would fail in the commercial world, because noone pays idiots to play political games. Still they believe that they are da's**t and portray themselves as authorities on certain subjects.

Some others suffer from impostor syndrome and don't know how smart they are, mostly because they never get the attention they deserve or even a simple "Nice work!" and a pat on the back by their manager.


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honeymiel
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30 Dec 2017, 10:16 am

Ichinin wrote:
I was a member of a dating site and was rated as a 7 (some lower, some higher), which is way higher than i thought of myself.


Interestingly, I think being Aspie can actually delude/prevent some people from realising how others see them in terms of physical attractiveness. I've actually met two Aspie guys who think they're much less attractive than they are (although my opinion on that may be skewed, as I tend to develop attraction based on emotional bonding rather than physical features)



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30 Dec 2017, 10:17 am

honeymiel wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
^When I was young I wished I was attractive but once I was in my 20's I realised that I would hate the attention that would get me. So I think 7 is a good place to be at, I just wish I had realised earlier that being asked out is more reciprocal. I mean that you have to be doing something, like eye contact and stuff.


As in, you thought guys would only ask girls out based on their looks? I think it tends to go along the lines of, if a girl gets attention then she's more confident and eye contact comes easier, so that probably reinforces that. But I tend to think that people go for people they relate to best, physically as well as mentally/emotionally (maybe some people fantasise about very attractive people, but most don't have the guts to ask them out)

And yeah I am really f*cking insecure and have issues with myself. Less now than when I was younger, but still noticeable to others


No I didn't mean it's only about looks, I meant that if a guy likes your looks/personality they don't just ask you out they sort of look and then the female looks (It's really difficult to describe because I don't really know what they do, just that he gets a bit of encouragement before actually asking her out).



honeymiel
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30 Dec 2017, 10:27 am

fluffysaurus wrote:
honeymiel wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
^When I was young I wished I was attractive but once I was in my 20's I realised that I would hate the attention that would get me. So I think 7 is a good place to be at, I just wish I had realised earlier that being asked out is more reciprocal. I mean that you have to be doing something, like eye contact and stuff.


As in, you thought guys would only ask girls out based on their looks? I think it tends to go along the lines of, if a girl gets attention then she's more confident and eye contact comes easier, so that probably reinforces that. But I tend to think that people go for people they relate to best, physically as well as mentally/emotionally (maybe some people fantasise about very attractive people, but most don't have the guts to ask them out)

And yeah I am really f*cking insecure and have issues with myself. Less now than when I was younger, but still noticeable to others


No I didn't mean it's only about looks, I meant that if a guy likes your looks/personality they don't just ask you out they sort of look and then the female looks (It's really difficult to describe because I don't really know what they do, just that he gets a bit of encouragement before actually asking her out).


Yeah, I get you. This is probably why I couldn't get a boyfriend until I was 21. The more I liked someone, the less eye contact I would make - and then nothing develops because attraction is based on that shared intimacy



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30 Dec 2017, 12:03 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Everyone knows how intelligent or attractive they are.


I wouldn't be so sure about that. People who have serious self esteem issues tend to look down on themselves and say there's nothing good about them. Not because it's true (at least not in most cases) or because they're just being modest, but because they themselves think so, because they can't see the good things.


Not only because of self esteem issues. I genuinely have no idea how physically attractive or unattractive I am. If I had to rate my physical attractiveness on a scale from 1 to 10, all I could be sure about is that it's not 1, not 10, not 9 and not 8.
I can mostly tell which of my physical features are positive or negative, but not how important they are. It also doesn't help that men are usually not interested in me, but the few who were or may have been have mostly been average or good-looking themselves.



Aristophanes
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30 Dec 2017, 12:57 pm

NorthWind wrote:
I can mostly tell which of my physical features are positive or negative, but not how important they are. It also doesn't help that men are usually not interested in me, but the few who were or may have been have mostly been average or good-looking themselves.

Not to mention that your view of their attractiveness is psychologically tied to their interest in you (meaning if they are talking to you, then you're naturally going to see them as more attractive). Add in that 'attractiveness' varies by culture, and even in a culture varies by the individual, and even the individual isn't sure how attractive someone is without input from outside sources, and the entire experiment of trying to judge someone's attractiveness is as solid as buying a lotto ticket and expecting to win the jackpot.



fluffysaurus
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30 Dec 2017, 1:40 pm

honeymiel wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
honeymiel wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
^When I was young I wished I was attractive but once I was in my 20's I realised that I would hate the attention that would get me. So I think 7 is a good place to be at, I just wish I had realised earlier that being asked out is more reciprocal. I mean that you have to be doing something, like eye contact and stuff.


As in, you thought guys would only ask girls out based on their looks? I think it tends to go along the lines of, if a girl gets attention then she's more confident and eye contact comes easier, so that probably reinforces that. But I tend to think that people go for people they relate to best, physically as well as mentally/emotionally (maybe some people fantasise about very attractive people, but most don't have the guts to ask them out)

And yeah I am really f*cking insecure and have issues with myself. Less now than when I was younger, but still noticeable to others


No I didn't mean it's only about looks, I meant that if a guy likes your looks/personality they don't just ask you out they sort of look and then the female looks (It's really difficult to describe because I don't really know what they do, just that he gets a bit of encouragement before actually asking her out).


Yeah, I get you. This is probably why I couldn't get a boyfriend until I was 21. The more I liked someone, the less eye contact I would make - and then nothing develops because attraction is based on that shared intimacy


Exactly



sly279
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30 Dec 2017, 5:46 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
People know whether they are attractive or intelligent I've never understood why people are supposed to pretend they hadn't noticed that about themselves. :?

I'm about a seven (I'd be an eight with effort but I don't make any because I find it all really confusing) but I wasn't a seven till my late 20's before that I was prob a five. Men are more forgiving of weirdness in women they find attractive, they see it as quirky particularly in the 20's. Young women get a lot of warnings about weird men, so I think for a lot of Aspie guys it's really hard particularly in their 20's unless they are good looking. Women don't expect a weirdo to be good looking so I think it makes a bigger difference being good looking if you're an Aspie male than an NT male.

Since we don't get the instruction manual telling us to pin a man down while young, we Aspie females struggle more latter on while for some Aspie males their situation improves as women their age are no longer looking for charm so much as reliability. If he's good looking that will again counteract a lot of the looking weird.


I guess I get shocked by some people’s lack of modesty. It’s an unwritten social rule, so I am not that surprised I guess a lot of aspies don’t know it. Might vary from country to country as well.

If I was forced to give my looks a ranking out of 10, it would be 5.5.


Um you’re gorgeous. Is 5.5 just average? I’d say your a 9or 10 like most women.



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30 Dec 2017, 8:14 pm

sly279 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
People know whether they are attractive or intelligent I've never understood why people are supposed to pretend they hadn't noticed that about themselves. :?

I'm about a seven (I'd be an eight with effort but I don't make any because I find it all really confusing) but I wasn't a seven till my late 20's before that I was prob a five. Men are more forgiving of weirdness in women they find attractive, they see it as quirky particularly in the 20's. Young women get a lot of warnings about weird men, so I think for a lot of Aspie guys it's really hard particularly in their 20's unless they are good looking. Women don't expect a weirdo to be good looking so I think it makes a bigger difference being good looking if you're an Aspie male than an NT male.

Since we don't get the instruction manual telling us to pin a man down while young, we Aspie females struggle more latter on while for some Aspie males their situation improves as women their age are no longer looking for charm so much as reliability. If he's good looking that will again counteract a lot of the looking weird.


I guess I get shocked by some people’s lack of modesty. It’s an unwritten social rule, so I am not that surprised I guess a lot of aspies don’t know it. Might vary from country to country as well.

If I was forced to give my looks a ranking out of 10, it would be 5.5.


Um you’re gorgeous. Is 5.5 just average? I’d say your a 9or 10 like most women.


I look at myself in the mirror and want to be sick.



honeymiel
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30 Dec 2017, 9:52 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
sly279 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
People know whether they are attractive or intelligent I've never understood why people are supposed to pretend they hadn't noticed that about themselves. :?

I'm about a seven (I'd be an eight with effort but I don't make any because I find it all really confusing) but I wasn't a seven till my late 20's before that I was prob a five. Men are more forgiving of weirdness in women they find attractive, they see it as quirky particularly in the 20's. Young women get a lot of warnings about weird men, so I think for a lot of Aspie guys it's really hard particularly in their 20's unless they are good looking. Women don't expect a weirdo to be good looking so I think it makes a bigger difference being good looking if you're an Aspie male than an NT male.

Since we don't get the instruction manual telling us to pin a man down while young, we Aspie females struggle more latter on while for some Aspie males their situation improves as women their age are no longer looking for charm so much as reliability. If he's good looking that will again counteract a lot of the looking weird.


I guess I get shocked by some people’s lack of modesty. It’s an unwritten social rule, so I am not that surprised I guess a lot of aspies don’t know it. Might vary from country to country as well.

If I was forced to give my looks a ranking out of 10, it would be 5.5.


Um you’re gorgeous. Is 5.5 just average? I’d say your a 9or 10 like most women.


I look at myself in the mirror and want to be sick.


That is really upsetting :heart:
Society needs to place less emphasis on looks and social skills as markers of success. And more emphasis on logic and problem-solving skills that would actually make the world a better place...
Then it's our time to shine



spaceone
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31 Dec 2017, 4:47 am

I almost feel like being physically attractive plays against me.. women approach me a fair amount but I'm socially awkward so it makes me really uncomfortable.. bad with eye contact with people I don't know, the whole deal. And so what could've made for a really fun night out turns into I spend the night now trying to avoid this person because I don't want to feel like I'm imposing this now present awkward situation on them. Every partner I've ever had approached me because of my hobby and my fascination over it and that's how we bonded but lots of gnarly sh*t that happened to me in the last year or so killed my confidence for that too. A culture I used to feel really comfortable and welcome in now gives me extreme anxiety because I feel like I'm known as that weird guy. I wish I could be invisible so I could just enjoy the art and music in peace without having to deal with the sexually charged, pressuring social environment.



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31 Dec 2017, 5:06 am

Aristophanes wrote:
NorthWind wrote:
I can mostly tell which of my physical features are positive or negative, but not how important they are. It also doesn't help that men are usually not interested in me, but the few who were or may have been have mostly been average or good-looking themselves.

Not to mention that your view of their attractiveness is psychologically tied to their interest in you (meaning if they are talking to you, then you're naturally going to see them as more attractive). Add in that 'attractiveness' varies by culture, and even in a culture varies by the individual, and even the individual isn't sure how attractive someone is without input from outside sources, and the entire experiment of trying to judge someone's attractiveness is as solid as buying a lotto ticket and expecting to win the jackpot.


Not true, while there may be some cultural variances, there’s an innate instinct in perceiving what’s attractive and what’s not.

For example obesity is seen as unattractive in almost all cultures of the world; it doesn’t matter if there’s a remote primitive tribe that finds it attractive - fact is most of the world finds obesity unattractive, same when it comes to height of men.



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31 Dec 2017, 5:29 am

hale_bopp wrote:
sly279 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
People know whether they are attractive or intelligent I've never understood why people are supposed to pretend they hadn't noticed that about themselves. :?

I'm about a seven (I'd be an eight with effort but I don't make any because I find it all really confusing) but I wasn't a seven till my late 20's before that I was prob a five. Men are more forgiving of weirdness in women they find attractive, they see it as quirky particularly in the 20's. Young women get a lot of warnings about weird men, so I think for a lot of Aspie guys it's really hard particularly in their 20's unless they are good looking. Women don't expect a weirdo to be good looking so I think it makes a bigger difference being good looking if you're an Aspie male than an NT male.

Since we don't get the instruction manual telling us to pin a man down while young, we Aspie females struggle more latter on while for some Aspie males their situation improves as women their age are no longer looking for charm so much as reliability. If he's good looking that will again counteract a lot of the looking weird.


I guess I get shocked by some people’s lack of modesty. It’s an unwritten social rule, so I am not that surprised I guess a lot of aspies don’t know it. Might vary from country to country as well.

If I was forced to give my looks a ranking out of 10, it would be 5.5.


Um you’re gorgeous. Is 5.5 just average? I’d say your a 9or 10 like most women.


I look at myself in the mirror and want to be sick.


Why? 0.o I’d consider myself extremely lucky to end up with a girl as pretty as you. Most guys would.