Remember What You Were Like Before You Were On This Site

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This part of the site is turning into a negative experience. I have a hard time remembering who I was before I came across this site. What I need to do is I need to remember who I was before I was given any advice whatsoever and accept myself for those mistakes. I don't need to make the same mistakes again, but I need to accept myself for those mistakes.

I think that if we all accept ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings we can do more than beating ourselves up constantly. Some of the people here beat themselves up so much that I feel like they are bleeding from the hits they give to themselves.

I’m a lot harder on myself than I am on other people. I feel you though, the love and dating forum doesn’t give off much positive energy, better to be around people who do. Wouldn’t hurt to take a break now and then.

To some extent before I came here, I felt psychologically isolated. I knew a few people from university who were sort of like me - they were distinctive in their personalities and interests, often good or great at music and science, though we had lost touch over the years. I had NT friends though it was the times I spent with them that I often felt most alone and misunderstood. I was reasonably good at passing though the constant effort caused constant fatigue.

From my first visit (I spent all night reading thousands of posts) I knew I was no longer on a planet of one; the validation of that was a turning point in my life, and an important one.

One of the things that may surprise others is that as a result of WP I get along much better with NTs, because I have come to understand and appreciate our differences, and am more able to bridge those differences without trying to pass as one of them. I understood them much better because WP helped me understand my self much better. WP and Tony Attwood (who I discovered the same day) opened a new chapter in my life and one that has had great benefits for me, so I want to honour and protect the ideals upon which WP was founded, though this can be an exhausting and thankless task.

I'm pretty much the same person now as before I went on WP.

But I do thank WP for being a quite rewarding place.

No different at all. I'm no less out of place here than I am anywhere else. I have nothing in common with anyone here except I'm one of the "never, ever going to be able to find a partner" crowd, which doesn't make me feel better when most of them are older than me, just shows what my future will be.

I give this site a solid 7/10.

Before I ever visited this site here were my stats:
0 First Dates
0 "Adult" Encounters
0 Kisses
0 Interest From Women (in my eyes)

Today I am obviously married but have also lost track of all these stats: the last three are in the hundreds and the first is probably around 40. If I had any straightforward advice to give my younger self it would be:

* Never compromise or become "desperate" and have enough self-respect to put your needs above your crazy (ex) GF. Don't date someone just because they show interest in you.
* Get out there and try new things, not to meet women but just to try new things. Having said that, bonus if it's a female dominated activity (like my running club: men were outnumbered by women 15 to 1).
* RELAX and have fun.
* Like it or not, Women as a general rule do not initiate romance/dates and they respect men who are dominant (NOT abusive: they are two completely different things). The ones who are sexually aggressive are usually messed up in the head and not people you want to be in touch with.

I also now know that meeting my crazy ex was not "bad luck" but was something destined to happen, just as I could not seem to attract the attention of a "normal" woman. In short, due to low self-worth I was subconsciously drawn to fixing, rescuing and saving females and she fit the bill perfectly. Once I got to a more emotionally healthy place I was downright revolted by her. Same with my last ex: I originally beat myself up for being "too aggressive" until I understood the issue was more SHE wasn't ready for a relationship (and will likely die single) and I was subconsciously drawn to emotionally unavailable women, just like the kind that dominate online dating.

I did receive both positive and negative advice from this thread over the years and it is my hope that someone can both be inspired by my struggle and avoid the pits I stumbled into over the past 5 years.

Well, I started out in PPR. I stopped going there because I got sick of all the sacred cows. At one point I could participate in lively discussions. But then a lot of good people either left or got banned.

The final straw was getting into discussions that involved protected classes. In short, I had a huge problem with the idea that someone could attack me or my beliefs, but when I explained or defended my ideas, I’M the one getting mod-spanked. It didn’t take long before I began to look at such tactics as deliberate. I started reporting it to mods, and not long after there just wasn’t anything interesting happening. I also recognized that too many people are simply committed to their views and too unwilling to accept any other premise than their own. I then quickly understood my core beliefs as axiomatic. By comparison, I came to see my former PPR adversaries as putting forth delusional ideas. Between that, the abuse, and so many interesting people leaving, it just lost its flavor.

It made me more introspective, though, and forced me to look at things more logically. I know evolution occurs, though I may dispute its importance. I understand the Bible a LOT better than I used to. So I’d say I’ve grown somewhat having been there.

L&D in philosophical terms is just surreal. Logic, schmogic. It’s all emotion, no reason. I like to say that L&D is best approaches unemotionally—meaning it’s best not to get so attached to someone early on, and not get so lost in a relationship that you miss that the other person isn’t good for you or maybe is even dangerous. Attraction brings out crazy emotions that you cannot help, making a dualistic approach seemingly impossible. I loved my wife before we got married. But...I loved my gf right before I went back to my best friend. I didn’t dump her because I fell out of love. I broke it off because continuing the relationship would have been more difficult for her when our lives were going two different directions. She’d have followed me anywhere. But I think following me back home would have killed her in one sense or another. She had no future where I am. But I understand she’s doing quite well for herself now. Maybe love is doing what’s best for someone in spite of how they make you feel. FEEEEEEELINGS just aren’t enough.

The more I think about relationships, what’s happening with other people, I feel like I’m learning more about myself and my own relationships. I’d like to see someone put my advice into action and win. But what I see with WP is an unwillingness to apply anything with any measure of consistency over the long-term. I’m afraid the best advice I’ve given that anybody has actually used was with breaking up. That makes me sad. People should be seeing MOOS twice a week. They CAN do it, but seem to refuse to. I get that everyone is different and even my best ideas require tweaking. I can accept that. But then people don’t even try. I don’t know how to take that. Because then it’s just like PPR because there’s this commitment to an idea that nobody else can possibly be right about anything.

That frustrates me. But then at least I don’t feel like I’m totally spinning my wheels.

I enjoy L&D because it’s more dynamic than that. So overall I feel much better around the people here given the discussions than elsewhere. It’s more interesting being around folks who are trying to be supportive and helpful.

The Debbie Downers in here are few. I’d prefer not to engage them, except more forum traffic seems to be flowing in their direction. I for one don’t really find staying positive and upbeat to be a challenge. If someone insists on spreading clouds of negativity, just don’t read their posts.

^ I like your advice, you give excellent advice because it’s detailed and you look at it from the other person’s POV, that’s why I went straight to you. I read your replies sometimes on L&D just so I learn something from them. Admittedly though, I understood your latest PM, and it made a lot of sense. I did want to have an idea of what that person thought about it all though, even if you could have described to me what he might have felt back then. I get it’s old news now, but I just wanted to figure out what he would likely have thought if I’d got in contact with him again.

Please don’t reply to me here about it, cos I’d like it to be private.

Unfortunately most people stick to that commetiment all over the internet and in real life as well.

I don’t have a problem with that. I’m the same way. What bothers me is that folks in PPR are (were) so quick to be persuasive when they aren’t willing to be persuaded themselves. I learned a lot and changed my views on some things. I haven’t been converted/deconverted on anything I feel really matters. But I could make a logically airtight point, provide evidence to back it up, and the other person wouldn’t concede ANYTHING. That left me wondering what the point was in discussing anything at all or why I should change my mind about anything. Debate and discussion seem really pointless when you look at it that way.

My attitude now versus then is if someone is genuinely interested in adopting my views, if they really are authentic seekers, we can talk all day long. I dated a U/U girl once and had no trouble at all getting her to go to church with me. When I went to HER church, however, I was confronted by this perpetual seeker mentality, which really meant they weren’t seeking ANYTHING. I’m more attracted to people who know what they want, who know what they’re looking for. People for whom there is a destination or a definite goal. I’m not all about the journey. If we’re going to the same place, I’m up for conversation. I’m not going to try to “convert” someone who is already sure about what they believe.

the anniversary was this month.i started small.i was formerly known as JaredGTALover,nowmi'm an outlaw known for defying conformity through spitting in it's face (being myself the way i want to) in a good way

I was very depressed & lonely before I came here. I felt very isolated & got in trouble on other forums for making LOTS of depressed posts about my situation & how lonely I was. I was also accused of being misogynic when in reality I'm kind of a feminist. I posted aLOT as a way to relive frustration/blow off steam, help me analyze stuff, find people who can sympathize & relate cuz I felt very alone, & to get advice I could actually use to help improve my situation. I had a lot of these problems on here too but they weren't as bad. I gradually felt better about myself as I learned about things & myself & found others who related & learned about ways to help me better adapt/adjust/change/improve myself. I eventually met my 2nd girlfriend on here. She broke up with me but I learned, grew, & matured from the experience. I realized that my anxiety & OCD had caused a lot of problems that contributed to the breakup. I researched meds to treat them & decided to try a couple that help a lot. Shortly after that my current girlfriend sent me a PM after reading alot of my posts & she was wanting similar things in a relationship & partner. We moved in together after a little while & doing a couple meetups & I've been ALOT happier & I grew & matured alot since then. I see ALOT of improvement in myself since before I joined.