I don't know how to reject him.

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kraftiekortie
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20 Jan 2018, 11:09 am

It’s hard to resist cuddles and hugs. I understand that—very well.

But she has to sacrifice them if she doesn’t want to get married to him.

I don’t like the harshness of this—but it’s really bad to marry someone if the prospective spouse is the “wrong” person.



Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 11:14 am

he's in love with her, she's kissing and cuddling with him and letting him masturbate on her, he's planning to move in with her, planning holidays together, he's probably already told his family about her, how he's met this wonderful woman that he's madly in love with, he's probably planning a proposal.

and all this time she's just playing him for hugs.. it's sick.



kraftiekortie
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20 Jan 2018, 11:17 am

The guy sort of jumped the gun on this, in my opinion.

He’s not a bad guy, though a little forceful.

I agree she has to stop hugging him.



magz
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20 Jan 2018, 11:18 am

Right now, after re-reading all this, I see it this way:

She wants hugs and cuddles, and a friend.
He wants sex and serious relationship.

She said she doesn't want a boyfriend but did not reinforce it with her actions.
He said he's OK with it but his actions show, he isn't.

So, you are both dishonest to each other. Not a good foundation for either friendship or relationship.
Sorry, you just can't keep it that way.


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kraftiekortie
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20 Jan 2018, 11:23 am

I once the misfortune of having a guy masturbate on me. I’m a guy.

I understand how she might have felt compelled and scared while she was allowing this. I understand the naïveté. Because I had the same naïveté.

I don’t think this is femme fatale stuff. I just sense her naïveté, and perhaps her fear.

She can’t hug and cuddle with the guy any longer. She has to end the relationship.

I sense her fear of doing this. Guys can get really stupid in these situations.



Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 11:31 am

no, she needs to be a deicent person and cut all ties with this guy, she has total derailed his life to satisfy her own selfish needs, he has been totally honest and upfront in his feelings, intentions and his actions, she is the one playing games, people need to stop pandering to women who emotionally abuse men in this way, because s**t like this is how assholes are made, the rest of the female race have to deal with the aftermath of women like this.

some things justify harshness, playing mind games with someone who's in love with you is deplorable.



kraftiekortie
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20 Jan 2018, 11:51 am

She’s sort of giving mixed signals—but I don’t think she’s consciously “playing games.”

The guy didn’t listen to what she said about not wanting a boyfriend and not wanting sex.

He decided to put illusions into his head, perhaps based on the “no is yes” principle.” It was often alleged, in the past that when a woman says “no” to sex, she often really means “yes.”

I think both are “culpable” in this instance.



Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 11:58 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
She’s sort of giving mixed signals—but I don’t think she’s consciously “playing games.”

The guy didn’t listen to what she said about not wanting a boyfriend and not wanting sex.

He decided to put illusions into his head, perhaps based on the “no is yes” principle.” It was often alleged, in the past that when a woman says “no” to sex, she often really means “yes.”

I think both are “culpable” in this instance.

he told her how he felt, she then goes on to repeatedly kiss and cuddle with the guy even allowing the guy to masturbate on her, they are not both culpable in this instance, she knows he's planning a future with her but has chosen not to end it sooner because she enjoys hugs, sorry, but there is no excusing that kind of behaviour.



magz
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20 Jan 2018, 12:01 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
She’s sort of giving mixed signals—but I don’t think she’s consciously “playing games.”

The guy didn’t listen to what she said about not wanting a boyfriend and not wanting sex.

He decided to put illusions into his head, perhaps based on the “no is yes” principle.” It was often alleged, in the past that when a woman says “no” to sex, she often really means “yes.”

I think both are “culpable” in this instance.

Agreed.
But whatever one's judgement is, the advice remains the same:
Cut the tie. It's hard but it can't go on that way.


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kraftiekortie
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20 Jan 2018, 12:08 pm

Absolutely. She has to break it off.



Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 12:16 pm

at least we have agreement on what should be done, but pretending that her behaviour is understandable or acceptable in any way is wrong, this poor guy is going to be a wreck after this, he thinks he's found the woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with, and she's kissing and cuddling with him, letting him masturbate on her, listening to all his plans for their future together, all the time having no intention of being with him, just playing with his emotions for free hugs.



clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 12:41 pm

Quote:
listening to all his plans for their future together,

yeah but he's listened to me too telling him I don't want to go on holiday, nor do I want marriage and nuclear family and that I want to live alone. And I think you mentioned it above that he has told his family about me, but no he hasn't and I also told him he shouldn't do that. I think it's very soon that already after 2 weeks all these wishes about the future are coming out.
The guy is good and will certainly not punish the - as you Probably_Drunk name us - "female race", and he will surely not turn into an as*hole. Don't get so angry about this Probably_Drunk, I know I should have broken it off earlier like I wrote in my opening post, and I am going to do it and I am also having worries about hurting him at this point because I let it go to far and find it hard to reject him- I know it is wrong what I did, whithout your angry posts. I opened this thread for encouragement. And I don't know what any of this has to do with feminism.



Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 12:43 pm

clay5 wrote:
Quote:
listening to all his plans for their future together,

yeah but he's listened to me too telling him I don't want to go on holiday, nor do I want marriage and nuclear family and that I want to live alone. And I think you mentioned it above that he has told his family about me, but no he hasn't and I also told him he shouldn't do that. I think it's very soon that already after 2 weeks all these wishes about the future are coming out.
The guy is good and will certainly not punish the - as you Probably_Drunk name us - "female race", and he will surely not turn into an as*hole. Don't get so angry about this Probably_Drunk, I know I should have broken it off earlier like I wrote in my opening post, and I am going to do it and I am also having worries about hurting him at this point because I let it go to far and find it hard to reject him- I know it is wrong what I did, whithout your angry posts. I opened this thread for encouragement. And I don't know what any of this has to do with feminism.
stop playing games with him, you know he wants a relationship, stop using him to satisfy your own needs, you know he doesn't want to just be friends and hug.



kraftiekortie
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20 Jan 2018, 12:44 pm

It’s not a Feminist thing at all. I’ve jumped the gun like this guy did—and I learned from it.

I’m not taking a Feminist stand on this situation.

Another consideration: the culture of the man. Maybe any sort of intimacy = Marriage ultimately.



clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 12:48 pm

Probably_Drunk wrote:
stop playing games with him, you know he wants a relationship, stop using him to satisfy your own needs, you know he doesn't want to just be friends and hug.

Probably you should repeat it a few more times. :jester:
I wasn't playing any games.