I don't know how to reject him.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Jan 2018, 3:30 am

Probably_Drunk wrote:
yet again ignoring the victim to offer support to the perpetrator, feminism at its finest, I really despair at the way society is going.


Hey calm down. We got that idea already, and to be fair not all the ladies were defending her.



The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Jan 2018, 3:32 am

Chronos wrote:
Pretending to be romantically or sexually interested in a guy when you aren't because you are so desperate to have a friend is a bit like a guy claiming to be a girl's friend when he isn't, because he is desperate to have her as a girlfriend.

Both are dishonest and maladaptive.

That aside, it is nearly impossible to reject someone without hurting their feelings a little because humans are social animals and are hard wired to feel hurt at rejection.

Given that, you are not accountable for that hurt. They themselves take on that accountability when they take the risk of approach.

It's of the uttmost importance in life that people, particularly girls and women (because they struggle with doing so more and are more at risk of exploitation) learn to say no and enforce their boundaries in life.

If you do not learn to do this, your life will likely be a lot worse than it would be if you did learn to do it. You will leave situations feeling exploited and taken advantage of or in some instances even abused, and you will suffer the regret of not standing up for yourself.

There are ways to reject men tactfully that can reduce your risk of retaliatory assault.

A+B

A
"I'm very flattered but..."
"You have really made my day but..."

And so on, but not anything involving the idea of them being nice, because they will start to think "If I'm such a nice guy, why do girls keep rejecting me?".

B
"I am not interested right now."
"I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
"I'm not available."
And the ever so popular when she really doesn't want to be hassled..
"I have a boyfriend."

But not anything like "I just want to be friends" because he can't really just be a friend.

Pitfalls to watch for

1. Guys who say "You are not interested in anyone or just me?"

This is passive aggression. These know you were trying to let them down softly and don't respect your safety boundary and are trying to breach it and drag you out and make you answer to them, which they feel they are entitled to do. They want to hear the truth but can't handle it. They have a lot of resentment and bitterness and may be prone to outbursts.

Don't give them the chance to corner you. Maintain your boundaries. You do not owe them any more of an explaination than you already gave them. I have dealt with these guys by repeating "I'm not interested," and kept moving to leave their vicinity.

2. Guys who want your number anyway or want to give you their number.

These guys tend to be more balanced they the guys above. They are more opportunistic and can take a little rejection but are also more likely to try to push boundaries.

I would tell these guys "No thanks," or 'Maybe another time" but if you say the latter, don't be surprised if they try again another time .

3. Guys who don't care if you "have a boyfriend".

These guys know they play a dirty game and will often take her attempts at friendliness as a sign that she is open to a little of him on the side. I would be firm and direct with these guys. "I said no. Leave me alone." and that is a lot nicer than my sister did when a guy continued to proposition her after she told him she was married.


You seem to be a Rejection Expert.

How many thousands of guys you rejected in order to compile your scientifically approved “The Ultimate Rejection Guide for women”?



Probably_Drunk
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21 Jan 2018, 4:21 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Probably_Drunk wrote:
yet again ignoring the victim to offer support to the perpetrator, feminism at its finest, I really despair at the way society is going.


Hey calm down. We got that idea already, and to be fair not all the ladies were defending her.

it's the skimming over/ignoring of the facts, and casual demonization of a victim whose side of the story we don't even get to hear that's getting to me.



kraftiekortie
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21 Jan 2018, 9:34 am

The guy was being presumptuous because he said “I don’t care what you think: I AM your boyfriend.” Pretty much caveman stuff. Me Tarzan, You Jane.

Not saying the guy is a bad guy. Not demonizing him.

Both parties are “victims” here.



Probably_Drunk
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21 Jan 2018, 10:06 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
The guy was being presumptuous because he said “I don’t care what you think: I AM your boyfriend.” Pretty much caveman stuff. Me Tarzan, You Jane.

Not saying the guy is a bad guy. Not demonizing him.

Both parties are “victims” here.

She is in no way a victim here, no matter how desperately she tries to word her post that way, she intentionally led him along knowing how he felt because she wanted hugs and attention from him, she already knew she shouldn't be doing that, but she chose to spend weeks kissing and cuddling with the guy to satisfy herself, quit making excuses for someone emotionally abusing another person.



Fireblossom
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21 Jan 2018, 12:41 pm

Clay5, to be honest I think that you messed up. You messed up big time, but since you want to fix the situation, perhaps you have even talked to him already, I don't think you're a bad person. Just an inexperienced one who made a mistake, one that was a big one that will most likely end up hurting another person. But that's just life; no one's perfect. You made a mistake, then you noticed it, so now you just need to try to fix it and accept the consequences. It'll probably hurt the both of you, but with things as they are it must be done. Do it and remember it so that you won't make the same mistake twice, but don't be afraid to live your life just because you messed up big time once. However it might be wise to not become close friends with guys until you've learned to say no a bit better. Try to follow this: if you think about if you should say no or not, that means you should say no. This way you won't lead anyone on when you don't really want it.



kraftiekortie
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21 Jan 2018, 1:01 pm

I feel like the OP was more ambivalent than actually seeking to play games. The guy might have sensed the ambivalence. So he sensed a no=yes vibe.

Probably, she shouldn’t have hugged the guy at all.

She wanted the hugs, but nothing beyond the hugs. She said so to him. I sense ambivalence, though.

The guy, in his mind, took it farther than that and really jumped the gun. He also was presumptuous to assume a relationship when she explicitly stated there was none.

I find it an extreme position to only blame the woman—even more extreme to absurd to only blame the guy.

She’s already stated she will do the right thing. I hope she follows through.

By the way, if the guy came on here, I’d offer my support to him as much as I supported her.



Chronos
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22 Jan 2018, 1:10 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Pretending to be romantically or sexually interested in a guy when you aren't because you are so desperate to have a friend is a bit like a guy claiming to be a girl's friend when he isn't, because he is desperate to have her as a girlfriend.

Both are dishonest and maladaptive.

That aside, it is nearly impossible to reject someone without hurting their feelings a little because humans are social animals and are hard wired to feel hurt at rejection.

Given that, you are not accountable for that hurt. They themselves take on that accountability when they take the risk of approach.

It's of the uttmost importance in life that people, particularly girls and women (because they struggle with doing so more and are more at risk of exploitation) learn to say no and enforce their boundaries in life.

If you do not learn to do this, your life will likely be a lot worse than it would be if you did learn to do it. You will leave situations feeling exploited and taken advantage of or in some instances even abused, and you will suffer the regret of not standing up for yourself.

There are ways to reject men tactfully that can reduce your risk of retaliatory assault.

A+B

A
"I'm very flattered but..."
"You have really made my day but..."

And so on, but not anything involving the idea of them being nice, because they will start to think "If I'm such a nice guy, why do girls keep rejecting me?".

B
"I am not interested right now."
"I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
"I'm not available."
And the ever so popular when she really doesn't want to be hassled..
"I have a boyfriend."

But not anything like "I just want to be friends" because he can't really just be a friend.

Pitfalls to watch for

1. Guys who say "You are not interested in anyone or just me?"

This is passive aggression. These know you were trying to let them down softly and don't respect your safety boundary and are trying to breach it and drag you out and make you answer to them, which they feel they are entitled to do. They want to hear the truth but can't handle it. They have a lot of resentment and bitterness and may be prone to outbursts.

Don't give them the chance to corner you. Maintain your boundaries. You do not owe them any more of an explaination than you already gave them. I have dealt with these guys by repeating "I'm not interested," and kept moving to leave their vicinity.

2. Guys who want your number anyway or want to give you their number.

These guys tend to be more balanced they the guys above. They are more opportunistic and can take a little rejection but are also more likely to try to push boundaries.

I would tell these guys "No thanks," or 'Maybe another time" but if you say the latter, don't be surprised if they try again another time .

3. Guys who don't care if you "have a boyfriend".

These guys know they play a dirty game and will often take her attempts at friendliness as a sign that she is open to a little of him on the side. I would be firm and direct with these guys. "I said no. Leave me alone." and that is a lot nicer than my sister did when a guy continued to proposition her after she told him she was married.


You seem to be a Rejection Expert.

How many thousands of guys you rejected in order to compile your scientifically approved “The Ultimate Rejection Guide for women”?


Every night I plug myself into a port which connects me to the collective consciousness of all women.

Image



The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jan 2018, 1:48 am

Chronos wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Pretending to be romantically or sexually interested in a guy when you aren't because you are so desperate to have a friend is a bit like a guy claiming to be a girl's friend when he isn't, because he is desperate to have her as a girlfriend.

Both are dishonest and maladaptive.

That aside, it is nearly impossible to reject someone without hurting their feelings a little because humans are social animals and are hard wired to feel hurt at rejection.

Given that, you are not accountable for that hurt. They themselves take on that accountability when they take the risk of approach.

It's of the uttmost importance in life that people, particularly girls and women (because they struggle with doing so more and are more at risk of exploitation) learn to say no and enforce their boundaries in life.

If you do not learn to do this, your life will likely be a lot worse than it would be if you did learn to do it. You will leave situations feeling exploited and taken advantage of or in some instances even abused, and you will suffer the regret of not standing up for yourself.

There are ways to reject men tactfully that can reduce your risk of retaliatory assault.

A+B

A
"I'm very flattered but..."
"You have really made my day but..."

And so on, but not anything involving the idea of them being nice, because they will start to think "If I'm such a nice guy, why do girls keep rejecting me?".

B
"I am not interested right now."
"I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
"I'm not available."
And the ever so popular when she really doesn't want to be hassled..
"I have a boyfriend."

But not anything like "I just want to be friends" because he can't really just be a friend.

Pitfalls to watch for

1. Guys who say "You are not interested in anyone or just me?"

This is passive aggression. These know you were trying to let them down softly and don't respect your safety boundary and are trying to breach it and drag you out and make you answer to them, which they feel they are entitled to do. They want to hear the truth but can't handle it. They have a lot of resentment and bitterness and may be prone to outbursts.

Don't give them the chance to corner you. Maintain your boundaries. You do not owe them any more of an explaination than you already gave them. I have dealt with these guys by repeating "I'm not interested," and kept moving to leave their vicinity.

2. Guys who want your number anyway or want to give you their number.

These guys tend to be more balanced they the guys above. They are more opportunistic and can take a little rejection but are also more likely to try to push boundaries.

I would tell these guys "No thanks," or 'Maybe another time" but if you say the latter, don't be surprised if they try again another time .

3. Guys who don't care if you "have a boyfriend".

These guys know they play a dirty game and will often take her attempts at friendliness as a sign that she is open to a little of him on the side. I would be firm and direct with these guys. "I said no. Leave me alone." and that is a lot nicer than my sister did when a guy continued to proposition her after she told him she was married.


You seem to be a Rejection Expert.

How many thousands of guys you rejected in order to compile your scientifically approved “The Ultimate Rejection Guide for women”?


Every night I plug myself into a port which connects me to the collective consciousness of all women.

Image


I always knew this isn’t fiction.



GCAspies
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29 Jan 2018, 12:20 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I would say that you don’t want a boyfriend. You don’t want intimacy. You don’t want to marry him and meet his family.

He will get upset, but this is something you MUST do; otherwise you WILL be sharing his bed for the next 40 years.

Just say you want to be the master of your own destiny.

Sounds like the guy is a creep and needs to move on in his own life. Anyone who goes around saying after only knowing you only for a short period of time to share his bed with you for 40 years, wants you to meet his family, and anything else is someone who doesn't have a plan for his own life in the first place and someone who is not emotionally stable in his own right mind. If I was a woman and someone did that to me, I would "run for the hills" and get away from that person as fast as I could.

If you're looking to make new friends, you should consider trying Meetup.com (free to join and has different interest groups that meet in person) or consider asking around to see if there are hobby-related groups that fit your interests. Whatever your interests/hobbies are, that is where I would consider looking to meet new people/friends. Also, do you like to volunteer? A lot of organizations are looking for volunteers, from the local Humane Society (if you like dogs/cats) to the local autism center (if there is one in your area) and other organizations. Check them out. An opportunity to meet new people/friends.

Always consider your resources.
Scott


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PearlsofWisdom
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16 Feb 2018, 7:58 pm

clay5 wrote:
(First of all, English isn't my first language)

I don't know how to let down a guy. I'm scared of hurting his feelings and I'm also scared of losing him as a friend because I have no other friends.
I met him at my last job a year ago. He told me a couple of months ago that he has a crush on me and I then told him I only want to be friends and that I have no romantic feelings for him, which he said he was OK with. He's taking it too far all of a sudden. I know I should have broken it off earlier but it's kind of nice to have someone to hug and cuddle, and I don't have any friends, and at the moment I have no job so I'm very lonely and stressed.
I'm scared of talking to him about not wanting a relationship and sex.


First of all, English doesn't have to be your first language to translate honest feelings into words.

To my mind, If you're feeling guilty about mistreating someone for sex, promotion, or even just emotional existence, then you have to end the elimination process and start again in order to rebuild yourself.
The fact you have no job now, could have been a direct blow to your mental self confidence especially if you confided in this individual about various things you feel you need to do here.
If I have interpreted this correctly, then the right thing to do, if you haven't already, would be to leave it if he's already lost a lot of initial interest, as the chances were he found you a novelty he could exploit at short notice in order to further his own job prospects. As harsh as it might seem for you, a job that can either make or break someone in its own potential, of learning from someone or something different, is never to be trusted.

The long running commentary of this false turn of events, has left you broke and mentally scared. Now, if you know what's good for you, it's time to change the record and just exude your normal confident self worth over a useless guilt tripped situation of a dude not a colleague, who has run you into the ground by putting an immune spell on you.
Its a good thing you're clear in your present knowledge about such things, for them to hopefully never to be repeated again.



hale_bopp
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17 Feb 2018, 2:17 am

It was a pretty bad mistake on your part kissing him. That was stupid.

You don’t owe him a relationship so just tell him he isn’t getting one and cut him off if he starts acting dicky. You’re the master of your life.

With desperate people who pretend to be your friend until they get in, you cannot turn them down and still be their friend. They don’t want you as a friend. Just ghost him if he doesn’t listen after you tell him you’re not interested.



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17 Feb 2018, 8:56 am

Probably_Drunk wrote:
yet again ignoring the victim to offer support to the perpetrator, feminism at its finest, I really despair at the way society is going.

The fact that the whole thread wasn't just 5 pages of calling him an evil rapist is proof that society is improving.

I'm sure some of us would be happy to offer support to the victim rather than the perpetrator but that won't be possible unless he makes an account and posts in this thread. The only reason we're talking to the perpetrator is because she's the only one of them here.


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