Self improvement to attract others

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The attitude of far too many people.

^Yes, sir!

It’s especially prevalent in these forums with people making posts about how the whole world should change to accept them instead of them changing themselves to be more acceptable to everyone else.

The same rings true whether we’re talking in general social terms or relationship/sexual attraction.

Sure, it’s hard work to change.. but it’s the only way. At least it’s possible to change yourself vs the impossibility of changing absolutely everyone else!

I'm so glad to see that at least some people understand what personal responsibility means.
Keep up the good work!

By the way I have a younger brother, 15 years younger, he says I don't help him. It's kind of funny as he just doesn't realise how much I help him. Every time when he has some problems he can come to me and I point him the right direction, I tell him where to go, what to do but at the end he has to do it himself. I refuse to do anything instead of him. And with this I'm helping him building skills to solve problems, to be able to stand up for himself which is very important in life if he wants to be successful without relying on others too much.

I used to attend seminars, workshops about changing life etc and most of the faciliators said that 97% of the people who go there will stay the same, they will keep going, keep reading self help books and never change. Only 3% of them will make actual changes in their life.
And these are the people who go and try to make it happen so what do you expect from the rest?
They will only change if they hit the rock bottom, have an accident or something that will force them to get out of their comfort zone.

Gandhi's wise words:
"If you change yourself you will change your world. If you change how you think then you will change how you feel and what actions you take. And so the world around you will change. Not only because you are now viewing your environment through new lenses of thoughts and emotions but also because the change within can allow you to take action in ways you wouldn’t have – or maybe even have thought about – while stuck in your old thought patterns.

And the problem with changing your outer world without changing yourself is that you will still be you when you reach that change you have strived for. You will still have your flaws, anger, negativity, self-sabotaging tendencies etc. intact.

And so in this new situation you will still not find what you hoped for since your mind is still seeping with that negative stuff. And if you get more without having some insight into and distance from your ego it may grow more powerful. Since your ego loves to divide things, to find enemies and to create separation it may start to try to create even more problems and conflicts in your life and world."

"What you feel and how you react to something is always up to you. There may be a “normal” or a common way to react to different things. But that’s mostly just all it is.

You can choose your own thoughts, reactions and emotions to pretty much everything. You don’t have to freak out, overreact of even react in a negative way. Perhaps not every time or instantly. Sometimes a knee-jerk reaction just goes off. Or an old thought habit kicks in.

And as you realize that no-one outside of yourself can actually control how you feel you can start to incorporate this thinking into your daily life and develop it as a thought habit. A habit that you can grow stronger and stronger over time. Doing this makes life a whole lot easier and more pleasurable."

While I think self-improvement is a noble thing, I think it's important not to become too obsession with reaching goals or we won't enjoy the journey.

I've seen people drive themselves into misery because they haven't yet reached some arbitrary goal. I've done it to myself too. The cruel thing is, that when I finally reach this goal I immediately set another goal and so be miserable again.

Doing this means living in a state of constant failure, in spite of your past achievements. It will turn you into a nervous wreck and smash your self-esteem.

So definitely improve yourself but don't worry about goals you haven't reached yet. Accept that they will come in time.

It is better to focus on building good daily habits rather than obsess over long-term goals. In this way, we can achieve success every day rather than every few years.

Just came across this quote again & thought I'd share it here:

"Today I'll do what others won't so that tomorrow I can do what others can't."

My most recent self-improvement project has been learning to use chopsticks. I've never been able to use them and sometimes this would cause embarrassment when I'd be with friends, colleagues or a date at a Chinese or Japanese restaurant, the waiter gives us all chopsticks, which everyone but me can use, I struggle to use them for 30 seconds and then go through the embarrassment of calling the waiter to ask for a fork.

I decided that I should learn to use them in private so I can be free to experiment or screw up without thinking about other people seeing me. The last time I was at a Chinese restaurant I pocketed the chopsticks. When I got home I watched a Youtube video on how to use chopsticks.

For the last couple of days I've been eating most of my food with chopsticks. I've practiced with popcorn, pork rinds, blueberries and scrambled eggs. I've ordered more chopsticks online because I didn't want to use the same ones for too long. I think it's just a matter of practicing until it becomes something I can do without thinking about it.

I found a really insightful video. It begins talking about Big Bang Theory but then it discusses self-improvement for people with ASD.

Even the little things count!

Plus it's pretty cool that you're doing it out of cultural respect for the gf & her family/friends etc.

Chopsticks are something I've been able to use ever since I was a kid. Any time we went out for Chinese food I'd always opt for chopsticks. I have a very nice colourful pair from Japan that an exchange student brought as a gift one time.

Anyways, as for using/reusing them.. even the cheap wooden disposable kind can be washed in a dishwasher or with a bit of soap and water and reused several times.

Here's a couple things you may not know about them or think to do:

When you split the wooden ones apart, rub them together to knock off any loose frays so you don't get them in your food or mouth.

Also, I can't recall which Asian country this comes from or if it's all of them - the small ends are the ones you eat from, of course, but the other end? Flip them over and use the broad ends to serve food from communal dishes onto your plate. When everyone does this, everyone is using the clean end of their chopsticks to serve from and never cross contaminates dishes with their saliva.

Thing I have noticed I should improve on is my facial expression; I've been told several times in the past I look angry and just this weekend at a party, a girl told me I look actually scary even ( I'll post a picture so you can be the judge). At first I was pretty baffled because I thought I was seen as a wimp pretty much always and that's why no-one wanted to say hello to me or anything, but then it really hit me they just might be too afraid to to that.. So, what do you think?

https://imgur.com/a/uvMWT

I can kind of see her point. To you, it's simply your "resting state," but just the natural alignment of your eyes/eyelids & especially eyebrows could be perceived as a "sinister," sort of look.

For others, myself and at least one other I know, sometimes when we have a "blank," facial expression (which is common in ASD) we're asked if we're feeling alright, or accused of being too serious and not enjoying ourselves. I've also learned that if anyone describes me as having a "goofy grin," or the like that my facial expressions are exaggerated in typical ASD fashion - these days that tends to only really happen when I'm sick and/or have taken antibiotics & once I take a bunch of probiotics to replenish healthy gut flora, my ASD symptoms, including facial expressions, calm right back down.

Yes, practicing facial expressions can help.. but the trick is to have them look natural vs. forced. That is the challenging part, considering they are forced. Still worth a shot practicing a slight smile or other looks in the mirror to see if you can hold a better resting state. It's not impossible.. but IMO extremely difficult to alter as our natural resting facial expressions are what they are. It may be easier to try to change all sorts of other things like clothing, posture, friendly small talk etc than it is to consciously alter your resting state facial expression. Still worth trying, though! (and so are other things IMO, like taking mass amounts of probiotics. The forum may collectively think I'm crazy & I don't really care, but probiotics really do control ASD symptoms right down to things like involuntary facial expressions.)

So can you find anything else to improve looks-wise, does my 20 kilos of extra weight show a lot?

Do you like boxing? IMO you have the look of a boxer, but if you have 20kg of excess weight then from the neck down you might not. Can't tell from those two pics. If you took up boxing you'd lose the weight though!

Never boxed, my sports have been judo and gym and gym still remains. I guess my weight might make me just appear a bit bulkier rather than fat since everyone seems to say I don't look fat. Working on losing weight atm with gym and proper nutrition, I think I should be doing just fine with those two things.

Diet & exercise, the good old fashioned way.. tried tested and true since the dawn of man.

~6 years ago I was at my heaviest at 6'2" 242lbs with a 38" waist. When I was running a lot more I was down to 185lbs ~10%bf and fairly swift a couple years ago. I've kept up with my daily pushups, construction work, and a decent diet. Right now I'm 6'2" 202.5lbs & 12.5%bf. Many years ago I went to a gym for a few months, not my thing. I do pushups/squats/stretches etc at home and run outside. Diet, exercise, water, sleep - that last one I don't get enough of. Anyways, my point is.. bit by bit, day by day, efforts compound and then all of the sudden you're pretty lean, healthy, and strong.

Looking sinister isn't such a bad thing. If you lose the weight and grow a goatee, you can look positively diabolical. Some girls are into that kind of thing.