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Hi

I've been looking at this site for the last few months, but I am newly-diagnosed in a clinical setting (RAADS-R: 122) and have a question regarding online dating. It feels like there will be an understanding group of people here.

In the past, I've had no problems getting dates online on a mainstream UK dating site. In fact, my profile has been on the most popular for the last year or so, presumably because of my photo, and I can write well. I'm sporty, I've got a decent job, great standard of living, and great education. For the last few months, I've added a short few sentences regarding by diagnosis. After the hobbies and jobs spiel, I state:

"With all that said and done, I recently found out I have a mild form of autism. All it means is that I experience feelings more intensely than most, and I sometimes miss verbal and non-verbal subtleties.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

If you are looking for someone refreshingly different, I may well be the one for you."

Am I going about this the right way? I've been on dozens of dates in the past, and I don't want to get to the point where I am a few dates in, and have to have the "have you heard about Asperger's?" conversation. I'm well aware that it narrows the field somewhat, but the conversation will have to be had at some point. Some of my quirks will come out sooner or later. It is also the only thing that puts me off getting dates offline. I know I could, but I don't like the thought of having to have that conversation, coupled with the fact I used to be married for 15 years …

The only trouble I have about my diagnosis is in relation to my love life; I'm a disability champion at work, and have no problem disclosing to my colleagues or acquaintances. My family can't accept it, but that's another matter.

Ironically, the reason I decided to get tested because I met a neurologist on the same site, who also happens to be an Aspie ...

Delete it....now!

Lemme tell you something: No one really gives s**t about AS or high functional autism.

I say, if you look functional and productive in life, just keep it a secret to yourself only; there’s no benefit to even mention it, not even to your future wife.

There’s the risk that she may google it and find all these negative stories of spouses, or worse, of Elliot Rodger.

So forget about mentioning it.

It's not exactly honest and fostering trust though, is it? I wouldn't have the slightest problem dating someone with, say a mood disorder, provided it was being managed. If anything, I would try to understand it so I could get my head around what was going on. What would upset me would be non-disclosure. I've dated someone with depression in the past, and I was able to understand why she would isolate herself away from everyone for days because she explained it.

I don't feel having secrets from the outset of a relationship is healthy, my preference is disclosure, more so when and how?

I'd wait until you are in a serious relationship before bringing it up. That way the person already knows you and isn't going to make some random assumption about you that most likely won't even be true. No matter what people wish to pretend, there is a lot of stigma that continues to exist with autism and mental illness and most people are going to judge you because of it if you let it be known before they get a chance to really know you, even sometimes after. Just because you are understanding and knowledgable on these subjects doesn't mean you should assume that others will be too, for instance most medical professionals even struggle with understanding it. It is a good idea to eventually disclose it, just don't do it right away, especially if your issues aren't that noticeable to others, which they don't sound to be. You are not your diagnosis, it is best to let people get to know you for you instead of having them pathologize you from the start. You could easily let someone know while on a date that you're not the best at reading others without having to tell them your medical history. Most people have no clue that I am an aspie, they just assume I'm quiet or something. I've found that bringing it up to random people just confuses them or causes them to start making annoying assumptions or I get told something like: "I have a cousin that has autism and you don't seem anything like him", not knowing that Autistic Spectrum Disorder is a very wide range, hense the word "spectrum".

I agree with phantasmagoria.

You may just scare off your perfect potential partner. The best way is to develop the relationship to the point where that information will help them understand you better once they know and like you.

People have been completely gobsmacked when I tell them about my diagnosis, no-one saw it coming, some even thought it was part of some sort of twisted joke. The only thing stopping me going out more is me, rather than being able to function. However, I always knew there was some unexplained factor that was holding me back just from living life to the full. Now I know the reason, I feel like I have more of an ability to override the blind spots that I have, which are more evident (and very subtly) at work, rather than socially. Saying that, I've been told I get hit on, but I can be completely oblivious to that.

As I've mentioned, my predicament is actually meeting someone I like, things going well, and having that "oh, by the way …" conversation, and things disappearing into thin air. I've had enough heartache, and I've done the whole casual dating thing as much as I want to as well. If I just wanted sex, my approach online would be completely different.

Putting my diagnosis out there explicitly means it would filter out the people who would have issue with it, just as I would have issues dating a regular smoker or a heavy drinker. It could be the case that may put a few perfectly suitable women off who wouldn't have an issue with it if they got to know me. On the other hand, if they are using some arbitrary screening criteria to choose between two guys, and the disclosure is the clincher, it may not work out in any case.

I think it sounds great. It could help attract the right person. I've found it useful to disclose upfront, and being able to be so honest and open from the get-go is, to some people, a very positive (or in my case almost necessary!) trait in a partner. If you're looking for a partner who appreciates your candor, then show them your candor

What were your experiences like yellowtamarin? Have you ended up meeting someone special? My rationale is that I may end up going on fewer dates, but those I do will be of better quality, and be more rewarding somehow, even if they don't last forever.

It all comes down to individual experiences of where everyone is on the spectrum, but I think it is also a matter about how one presents oneself. I came across an interesting essay yesterday evening by Marta Rusek (https://whyy.org/articles/essay-autism- ... -my-voice/) and it made me think. The closing lines of the about me part of my profile now reads:
"With all that said and done, I recently found out I have a mild form of autism. All it means is that I experience feelings more intensely than others, and I sometimes miss non-verbal subtleties. And that I'm a smart, fit, romantic guy who happens to have a mild form of autism.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

Looking for someone refreshingly different? You may well have found him."

Well, I'm very picky and not even sure there's a right person for me out there, so I haven't met anyone yet to spend the rest of my life with, but I've had good relationships and dates since my diagnosis and being open about it. With online dating, I tend to connect with others who are autistic themselves, or suspect they might be, or have a lot of traits. But I do also say in my profile that I'm looking for someone similar to me, so that might be part of it too.

I'm not sure if I'm going on fewer dates because of it, because I also moved to the country so that means fewer interested people, as many aren't interested in travelling longer distances. The quality definitely has improved though. Usually my dates are interesting, open & fairly deep right from the first few minutes, where they used to be more superficial and "following the social etiquette" which I can't stand anymore now that I've grown past it.

I'm also around your age too though so it might all be related to maturity and that kind of thing? So basically, I'm not sure I could pin the improvement in quality or changes in numbers wholly on early disclosure. But it has definitely helped make dating simpler and more "real".

Hope that helps. Happy to answer any other questions. Welcome to WP!

Omit it.

Omit anything that can possibly be perceived as unattractive, as all it does is limit your responses since it gives people a reason to filter you out.

People don't know enough about AS to make a fair and balanced judgement of you. They'll assume "disabled," (and that's bad), stereotype you based on a recent news headline about some school shooter or something, assume you're low functioning, or like some annoying nerdy TV character.

Nothing good can come of disclosing it on a dating site and letting people make assumptions and judgements about you. Remove it and just chat with people like normal, meet them, let them determine who you are in person. Definitely don't disclose within the first few dates, either. Just let them assume your quirks are just personality traits & they'll decide for themselves if they're into you or not. If they do happen to notice you're on the spectrum, and make a polite comment about it, then it'd be an acceptable time to discuss it.. otherwise this is Not something to be disclosing to a prospective date as all it does is give them a reason to cross you off the list of people they'll even consider.

The ONLY type of person this may attract is someone who has an attraction to "looking after the disabled," and chances are this isn't the primary trait of a potential partner that you're attracted to. Sooo, unless you're looking for someone seeking to be someone's caretaker, delete it and never ever disclose it on a dating site ever again.*

*Unless you really do want to deter people from messaging you & aren't actually interested in dating anyone, then by all means, leave it up, it's a fantastic idea.

I see where you are coming from but a way of filtering out is exactly what I am after. Is that based on your personal experience?

If someone is going to have a problem with it, they will have a problem with it no matter what. I feel I'm better off doing something more fun with my time, saving my money, and one less morning with a hangover if it was ultimately going to go nowhere anyway.

It is not like that is all I have in my profile. People are going to assume I'm a bit geeky anyway because of my job, and I like those sorts of women. The site is also a premium site which tends to attract an educated, liberal, and professional crowd.

Vulnerability and a deep emotional connection to my partner are incredibly important to me. I feel personally that the only way to do that through words is letting your guard down a little bit, taking a risk. As opposed meeting one of the unsuitable 90% who like long walks in the beach, love to laugh, and like going out as well as staying in. It is how to go about it which I am pondering. But I know people have different comfort levels, NT or ND, and people have differing levels of severity in their symptoms and traits.

Based on personal experience, yes. You only want to put a bit of attractive info & omit anything that can possible be perceived as unattractive as all it does is to allow others to pass you over due to their prejudices.

You didn't even know your diagnosis before and managed to meet people and they just thought you were a little quirky - keep doing that. Knowing the label of your diagnosis only serves to allow people to eliminate you without even giving you a chance at all. If you disclose on a dating site you're letting them eliminate you based on a diagnosis label when they otherwise might meet you and like you and not even ask or care about why you're a bit different.

Even educated professionals aren't going to have read textbooks about AS & have an actual thorough understanding of it. Further, disclosing it on a dating profile is bound to be perceived as Weird by almost everyone - even those who do know what it's all about. There's just no benefit to putting it on a dating profile. At all.

Save the compatibility discussion & diagnosis disclosure until one of those long walks on the beach.

This can't possibly be a true statement, as it attracts me and I'm not attracted to "looking after the disabled". I'm more likely to want to contact or be contacted by someone who mentions being on the spectrum than someone who comes across as neurotypical.
And maybe I'm some kind of exception to an unwritten rule, but I'm definitely not the only one. And anyway, maybe the OP is looking for someone exceptional!

The first lines of the last three messages I've received on a dating site:

"Hey yellowtamarin, There’s a fair possibility that I’m autistic, too."
"It's always a pleasure to find another autist!"
"Hi yellowtamarin, What a refreshing profile you have."

I think it's brave to include it. It's up to you whether or not it's necessary. In the past I've always simply told people that I was a bit shy or not good at meeting new people. Those who aren't put off by someone not being a "social butterfly" or being very good with social cues are probably understanding hearing the reason for it, anyway.

Do you really believe that what works for yellow may work for you?
First of all, the gender difference makes a compeletely different experience, do you really believe that you receive messages from women as much as she does receives from men?

Look, online dating is a total sausage fest, I did a thread a while ago proving that the ratio of active users are about 20 men to 1 women, I am not exaggerating.

Also, even if yellow rules out all NTs by disclosing everything on her profile about her Autism, the sex ratio among aspies are about 4 men to 1; she still has a lot of prospects roaming there, she is swimming there in a virtual sea of men - you don’t have this advantage.

And I am pretty sure that NT men are more tolerant of such ‘quirks’ than NT women: the image of ‘nerdy/hippie’ girl is by far more positive and even more desired than the nerdy/geek guy image, it’s how things are projected in the media at least.

Don’t ever expect that the men and women would react the same to the disclosure, remember that the women there have way more options than men.

When it comes to online dating, don’t ever compare your profile to someone of the opposite sex, this is ridiculous, it like comparing a job seeker’s CV to an employer’s job vacancy.