Help to gain better perspective on my Aspie Man

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I am currently dating an aspie and I want to understand him better, though I will be honest and say some of the things he says do hurt, I know it isn't meant that way and this is what I want to understand. I love him beyond words, I love all his querky behaviours, yet I don't quite understand them all.

He needs a lot of time alone for his special interests, I give him the space needed, I know he doesn't read body language or facial expressions, so I am direct with my messages so he understands. I know I need to let him finish projects otherwise this can upset him and make him anxious. He has sensory issues and I know that stops him from doing certain things.

We had a conversation this morning about people, he told me if this relationship doesn't work out he wants to be on his own and that he hates people. He also said people wind him up and he ends up arguing a lot. I asked if I piss him off he said we don't spend enough time together for you to piss me off. He hates people and likes to be away from them in his own company etc.

Is this normal for an aspie to feel? I know I shouldn't take it personally however I am currently, if someone can help me to understand this so I can make things better for him. I don't want to add to his already anxious look on things. What can I do to ease things for him?

I have some aspie traits myself though consider myself neurotypical, any help from Aspie men out there would be greatly received.

I am new here so any advise would be awesome

I think an attitude of so called "soft misanthropy" is common among aspies. That is, hating people in general, but making exception for individuals. Carlin was rather poignant when he pointed out that people in general are of average intelligence and half of them are even dumber than that, and that stupid people in large groups are not to be underestimated.

Not sure what specific advice I could offer, but my experience is that a degree of animosity towards people in general is common among aspies.

I don't know what sort of advice I could offer but I'm an NT with a long term AS partner, and I would say what Wolfram has written is probably correct.

Imagine how you would feel if you had a sensory disorder you were born with, grew up with, that made you seem odd to everyone around you, and then everyone around you treated you like you were some sort of social pariah, excluding you, making you feel like you were the outsider always, never to be accepted. I imagine that would make me hate other people and hate being around them too.

It may not necessarily be to that extreme because everyone is different, but I imagine it may give you a good idea.

I hope what I write will help you. I've been married to my NT wife for nearly 17 years.

I glance over things on the internet, articles, etc where there seems to be a theme of sorts by NT women who caution other women to avoid relationships with Aspie men as they feel such relationships can be toxic or unworkable for the woman. I'm only speaking from personal opinion, of course, but I do think an NT woman who shares no Aspie type traits with an Aspie man would be an incompatible relationship.

My wife is NT, but she's self-admittedly socially awkward and shy. It's hard for her to make friends. She also grew up in a household in which her parents would spend most of their time apart from each other in the house (ie watching their own TVs in different floors in the home). Her father was also a "tinkerer" and often spent his time with mechanical things. Her parents did NOT spend much quantitative time together but were married 60+ years and certainly loved each other very much. Our relationship patterns her parent's relationship in this respect. As such, my desire for a significant degree of "alone time" isn't something that is a constant source of friction as she enjoys her time to herself as well (not to the degree I do for myself).

HOWEVER.........loving relationships between ANY two people require work, effort and commitment. They require a give and take. A one sided relationship is, in my opinion, doomed to die. I have no idea if your relationship is one sided, I'm speaking generally.

I have to be very careful and I do have to be mindful of my wife's needs. I often fall short. What I mean, is that my desire for "living in my own world" is very strong. So much so, that I must at times make a conscious effort to make sure I interact with her more often than I would desire if left to my own devices. That may sound like I don't care for or love my wife. Definitely not the case. Last night, for example, that "light bulb" went off in my mind ("We haven't sat down and talked in awhile. I should go do that."). We sat and talked for about twenty minutes and I could tell she liked that. I did too, but conversing with anyone is a challenge for me. It's easiest with her, but still.....

In summary, I do not believe an Aspie person should get some sort of carte blanche pass in a relationship. I have to admit there's a part of me that thinks that would make things easier for me ... But in my opinion, a relationship with an Aspie person who would, for example, have an attitude like: "I'm this way for a reason. I am the way I am and I'm NOT going to change. Deal with me how I am or don't." That kind of attitude would be toxic to a relationship. Why? The other person would run risk of simply revolving around the Aspie's life. The Aspie would be the center of their relationship universe and the NT partner would simply be a small satellite orbiting and giving up their needs unfulfilled. There has to be a give and take in any relationship.

My relationship would never work if I were with an NT woman who shared none of my distinctive traits. My lack of engagement in comparison would be considered....toxic.

If an Aspie man's attitude is something like: "Leave me alone. I'll come to you when I need something from you, but don't come to me if you need something from me because that upsets me and I'm not going to change. I do what I want to do when I want to do it because that makes me happy. I need to live my life on my terms.". Bully for them, but I don't think such a man should be in a relationship because it would be the quintessence of selfishness.

I hope you're able to work things out with him and that both of you share a mutually fulfilling relationship together.

One more thought: It's far easier for me to communicate with people by typing. I can take the time to formulate, edit and then express my thoughts. That's a frequent way my wife and I communicate with each other. I'm fortunate in my current work that I can chat with my wife via computer at different points in the day. If we were not able to communicate this way then I think our face to face interaction would need to increase.

If something is bothering her, she'll email or chat me or at times in our marriage, she's written me things on paper and left the note on my pillow. This gives me time to read and comprehend what her issue is with me. I can then either chat or email her back or, sit down with her and talk. Sitting down with her if she's put forth issues in writing is something I can only do after I have a few days to process and contemplate her needs and feelings she's expressing to me. I don't know if you do something similar with your man, but that helps us. Again, perhaps a solidly NT woman would think: "So you're saying I'd sit in one part of our abode chatting with you on Google chat while you're in another part of our abode in order to for me to tell you that something's bothering me or that I need something from you? Are you kidding?!?" It works for us.

I don't hate people, neither of my aspie friends do... I don't think hating people is an aspie thing but I guess it's a thing for some due to the feeling of being misunderstood a lot.

As for needing time alone that's understandable, especially if he has many special interests. It's just whom he is in that case, you can't change him. It's possible he could learn to spend less time on special interests with the right help and if he also felt his special interests take up so much time that it causes problems in your relationship but if he doesn't think so... That's that. Regardless of a persons diagnose you can't change them, you accept them as they are or you don't. My suggestion is you find some interests of your own when you can't be with him so you don't need to feel ignored and he doesn't need to feel guilty for not being with you all the time.

I suggest reading up on aspergers, asking in a forum like this is also a good idea. Do the best you can to understand him.

You can try to tell him what he did or said that was hurtful and he will learn bit by bit what's okay and what isn't. Give him the space he needs. I know that if someone makes me feel pressured to give up my space I back away from that person entirely, but that's just me. Have you shown interest in his special interests? I guess it depends on what they are but it's possible that he'd think it could be a good idea to spend time on the special interests together at least every now and then.

You already seem to take great care in trying to understand and adjust for his special "quirks", which I think is awesome. A lot of those online stories Magna is talking about of failed NT/Aspie relationships seem to spawn from the fact that the people don't understand Aspies at all and so expect them to provide things in a relationship that they just can't.

As far as your misanthropy question, while all Aspies are different (just like anyone),The feeling like you don't belong with normal people and that their behavior is confusing and adds constant pressure to your life can lead to general hate. This could be heightened if he suffered bullying, abusive relationships, or something of the sort. Magna's suggestion of communicating things through alternate means like writing sounds like a great idea to try, maybe that removes the pressure for him.

For me, I can say that even though everyone has always been nice to me and I don't hate anyone, I sometimes feel that subconsciously my brain is repeatedly telling me that everyone is out to hurt me (probably cause of the ASD) and this ends up sabotaging what are otherwise perfectly functional relationships. Lastly, I believe hate of others usually starts with questioning or even hating yourself, and that I can understand, since society can really make you feel bad sometimes for being an Aspie.

Yes, it's normal. No, it won't change.

Why would you take it personally? He's not talking about you as a person. He's talking about people as people - multiple, new, different people. He may actually hate them (for excluding him, being more social than him etc) but it's more likely that he means he hates being around them. (because he's socially anxious/nervous.)

If this isn't something you can accept fully & just roll with, your best move is to breakup sooner rather than later. It also sounds like he has some manipulative issues if he's told you that if this relationship doesn't work out that he's decided he'll remain single. That's the sort of slippery slope manipulative relationship BS that descends into "If you leave me I'll kill myself," sort of emotional blackmail. If I were you, I wouldn't tolerate it in the slightest bit. I'd tell him that if this relationship doesn't work out and he decides to remain single, that's fine, but he's not to hold that over your head as any sort of "stay with me, I neeeeed you," kind of manipulative emotional blackmail. f**k that. I wouldn't tolerate it for a split second - and if I were him I wouldn't even consider doing it to you in the first place.

Seriously. I'd have a very frank conversation with him about that attitude of his. Any sign of BS & I'd be long gone before he could say another word if I were you.

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