Living with parents kind of puts the kibosh on dating?

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AngelRho
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19 Jul 2018, 8:37 am

Tequila wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
No. Things have changed Bea. The economic situation of many young people and the high cost of housing means that many can't find affordable housing.

I've known of a few couples around me getting together even though both or one of them are living with parents.


Sex might be a problem.

In some Asian countries this is pretty much standard. Kids are expected to hold down jobs and take care of their parents. If they have a job that pays enough for them to have their own place, that’s great, but living with parents is normally the rule. If parents approve of the partner and marriage is on the table, THEN they can get their own place.

Sex? LOL. Yeah...that’s not gonna happen.

Side note: when I was in New York State for school, one young woman I dated let me go home with her over a holiday. These were crazy-liberal people, and I’m a good (haha) Baptist boy from the South. Her PARENTS actually ENCOURAGED us to sleep in the same bed and, wink wink nudge nudge, whatever else we wanted to do.

I think the reason was she’d struggled with socializing and being bullied because of her looks and being blind that they were thrilled that she even HAD a boyfriend at all, and bonus points for finally losing her virginity.

SOME parents are cool with it and even encourage it. I’m not one of those parents. You want my daughter? First you have to get past my 12-gauge. Then I need to see that minimum 1 CT diamond along with the receipt that says you paid in full with CASH. THEN we can start talking about it, and I make no promises.



BeaArthur
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19 Jul 2018, 10:39 am

AngelRho wrote:
What worries me about some WP members and others with disabilities WP members have tried to date is that they are mentally, emotionally, and maybe even physically unable to live away from their parents. That’s not a control issue. That’s a saving your life/keeping others safe from you issue. That doesn’t apply to MOST of us, but there have been the rare few that I suspect are incapable of living outside their childhood home. I understand how frustrating that can be. In those rare cases it’s much better than the alternative.

Yes, and this is the situation (or perceived situation) that I was thinking of when I started the thread, and which would be in my mind if I were trying to date.

Of course, I'm in the old biddy generation, so a more plausible reason a potential mate would live with a parent is if they were that person's caregiver. THAT would signal responsibility and compassion, so it would be a totally different situation than failure-to-launch.


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BeaArthur
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19 Jul 2018, 10:43 am

Tequila wrote:
Sex might be a problem.

Yup. And failure to acknowledge this fact may just lead to frustration.


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BeaArthur
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19 Jul 2018, 11:00 am

Fnord wrote:
BeaArthur wrote:
I see people living with one or both parents wanting a girlfriend/boyfriend, pretty often on here. To me, that would be something of a deal-breaker. Do you agree?
Yes. More so if the man lives with his parents than if the woman lives with hers. Men are expected to be independent; but if they live with their parents, then that greatly implies that they are dependent on their parents for food, clothing, and shelter (maybe also money). It also implies a lack of maturity and a certain measure of financial irresponsibility. Also:

• One of the first places a newly-divorced person might live in is a parent's house.

• One of the first places a newly-released ex-convict might live in while on parole is a parent's house.

• Practically the only place where a mentally-challenged or socially-inept person can live is in a parent's house.

So a person who is way past college age and who moves in and lives with his or her parents is very likely to be perceived in a negative way. Then, of course, there is also the privacy issue ... it's kinda hard to get romantic with an FWB or a spouse when the parents are sleeping in the next room.

Thanks for fleshing out my argument better than I originally did. (Now, everyone can hate YOU - not me.)


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Kiprobalhato
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19 Jul 2018, 11:21 am

BeaArthur wrote:
Tequila wrote:
Sex might be a problem.

Yup. And failure to acknowledge this fact may just lead to frustration.


yeah.



dated my ex for 3 years. never ONCE got any.

she has a 11 year old brother. every single time her parents are out of the house, he has to be watched. and nobody can come over. never mind the fact that his parents failed because *he should be able to watch himself at that age* (unless he's mentally/developmentally unwell, which...from what i've observed of him is actually very likely), but that just made me hate his guts.

just imagine what we could have done if he wasn't there. :roll:


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Fnord
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19 Jul 2018, 11:38 am

BeaArthur wrote:
Fnord wrote:
BeaArthur wrote:
I see people living with one or both parents wanting a girlfriend/boyfriend, pretty often on here. To me, that would be something of a deal-breaker. Do you agree?
Yes. More so if the man lives with his parents than if the woman lives with hers. Men are expected to be independent; but if they live with their parents, then that greatly implies that they are dependent on their parents for food, clothing, and shelter (maybe also money). It also implies a lack of maturity and a certain measure of financial irresponsibility. Also:
• One of the first places a newly-divorced person might live in is a parent's house.
• One of the first places a newly-released ex-convict might live in while on parole is a parent's house.
• Practically the only place where a mentally-challenged or socially-inept person can live is in a parent's house.
So a person who is way past college age and who moves in and lives with his or her parents is very likely to be perceived in a negative way. Then, of course, there is also the privacy issue ... it's kinda hard to get romantic with an FWB or a spouse when the parents are sleeping in the next room.
Thanks for fleshing out my argument better than I originally did. (Now, everyone can hate YOU - not me.)
Heh. Any time! :D


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Fnord
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19 Jul 2018, 11:48 am

Tequila wrote:
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Practically the only place where a mentally-challenged or socially-inept person can live is in a parent's house.
I beg your pardon?!
Okay ... elaboration is needed.

Now, this is based on my personal observation, so your observations may vary. I know it seems that I'm playing down to a stereotype; but near with me...

If a family is wealthy enough to afford it, they can place a mentally-challenged person in a group home or other quasi-institutional setting; but for families of lesser means, the person is usually kept at home. I seem to have met a lot of people through church who fit this description.

For the socially inept, getting a (well-paying) job may be more difficult than for a socially adept person . Such a person may only work part-time or at jobs that don't pay well. I seem to have read a lot of posts from members of this website who fit this description.

Of course, these are not typical of everybody everywhere.


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AngelRho
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19 Jul 2018, 12:52 pm

Fnord wrote:
Tequila wrote:
Quote:
Practically the only place where a mentally-challenged or socially-inept person can live is in a parent's house.
I beg your pardon?!
Okay ... elaboration is needed.

Now, this is based on my personal observation, so your observations may vary. I know it seems that I'm playing down to a stereotype; but near with me...

If a family is wealthy enough to afford it, they can place a mentally-challenged person in a group home or other quasi-institutional setting; but for families of lesser means, the person is usually kept at home. I seem to have met a lot of people through church who fit this description.

For the socially inept, getting a (well-paying) job may be more difficult than for a socially adept person . Such a person may only work part-time or at jobs that don't pay well. I seem to have read a lot of posts from members of this website who fit this description.

Of course, these are not typical of everybody everywhere.

Exactly.

Like I said, there are those who are incapable of living independently. You can move her to her own small apartment in a safe neighborhood. Buy her furniture.

But if she can’t/won’t leave the apartment without hurting herself, if she can’t/won’t get a job to pay rent, or would otherwise be a danger to herself or others whether intentionally or negligently, she’ll have to stay home. It’s just looking out for what’s best for that person.



The_Face_of_Boo
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19 Jul 2018, 1:43 pm

House prices increased twice faster than income in maybe the last two decades.

In your days of you old people (referring to Bea, Fnord, and kraftie), a monthly house loan maybe made up to 10,...20% of your wage?
Today it’s up to at least 50%(crappy house) to 70% of total wage (ok meh house).

Sorry, but someone has to say it to your face: you had it much easier.

Also living with roomates doesn’t solve the sex problem, unless your roomates don’t mind you to f**k in their presence (yuck).



kraftiekortie
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19 Jul 2018, 1:58 pm

When I started living on my own in 1981, I had to pay $300 in rent. I made about $800 a month net. That's 37.5% of my income spent on housing.

A house loan? No way! I didn't have enough income for one in those days.



The_Face_of_Boo
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19 Jul 2018, 2:09 pm

^ but that’s a minimal wage there I guess? What was your job?
No one can buy a house with the min wage in our days.



kraftiekortie
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19 Jul 2018, 2:11 pm

Believe it or not, the same job I have now. I make about five times as much as I did then, though.



RainbowUnion
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19 Jul 2018, 2:52 pm

Fnord wrote:
BeaArthur wrote:
I see people living with one or both parents wanting a girlfriend/boyfriend, pretty often on here. To me, that would be something of a deal-breaker. Do you agree?
Yes. More so if the man lives with his parents than if the woman lives with hers. Men are expected to be independent; but if they live with their parents, then that greatly implies that they are dependent on their parents for food, clothing, and shelter (maybe also money). It also implies a lack of maturity and a certain measure of financial irresponsibility. Also:

• One of the first places a newly-divorced person might live in is a parent's house.

• One of the first places a newly-released ex-convict might live in while on parole is a parent's house.

• Practically the only place where a mentally-challenged or socially-inept person can live is in a parent's house.

So a person who is way past college age and who moves in and lives with his or her parents is very likely to be perceived in a negative way. Then, of course, there is also the privacy issue ... it's kinda hard to get romantic with an FWB or a spouse when the parents are sleeping in the next room.


The more so for a man is something that bothers me. In spite of womens lib and the "progress" made since the 60s, women are still not expected to support themselves and it is seen as perfectly acceptable for them to be supported by a man or their family. Women generally see no problems with this double standard, and benefit from unfair divorce and child custody laws that were written when women were in fact de facto property. Times have changed, and the laws need to change too. Alimony should be abolished and child custody laws rewritten. Whichever parent is the most economically capable should get the kids.

That old saying that women get 75 cents to a mans dollar is NOT true, so long as the woman is willing to work and physically capable of working the same jobs as a man.


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19 Jul 2018, 2:55 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
I see people living with one or both parents wanting a girlfriend/boyfriend, pretty often on here.

To me, that would be something of a deal-breaker. Do you agree?


I dated a guy once who still lived at "home" post college. It was fine, jobs are to hard to get and getting a place of your own on your own in the Chicago area while trying to land a job? Forget it. That whole thing about it being a deal breaker isn't based on realistic expectations at all. Its an NT pie in the sky ideal.


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19 Jul 2018, 3:18 pm

By the way, ...

@BeaArthur -- What's your point? That we should just give up?

@AngelRho -- If I were young and female, knew what little I've managed to learn about the outside world by now, at my ridiculously old age, and had a father like you, I'd run away immediately and become a prostitute if I had no better means to support myself. I'd make it my top priority to get an education by my own means, no matter how painful, and grow into the strong, independent woman my father would have never allowed me to be. I'd be proud to be noöne's property but my own and fully in charge of what I do or do not with my own body. Hell, I'd do it even if I had my real parents.


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19 Jul 2018, 3:39 pm

AngelRho, wth? A one carat diamond? Are you encouraging your daughter to be a gold digger? I'm hoping you are only kidding. People get so crazy about their daughters. I have a son and would not want him with a money grabber....his gf is special. Love her to death and I will help them anyway I can....