Got rejected for good by my long-term crush

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I am so humiliated and devastated it's hard for me to think straight. I've vomited twice over the past hour and it's damn near impossible for me to even sit down. I feel like I need so much help right now but I really can't think of anyone I can turn to. If I had a psychologist, I'd talk to them. But I can't afford therapy.

It took months and months and months for me to muster up the courage for this. Today, I finally got myself to send him a text message letting him know that I really liked him. He texted back: "Hey! What makes you say a thing like that? I'm flattered." I told him that I love being in his presence, and that I think he's very special. That was at 8:30pm. It's been over four hours now and no response.

I can't believe I allowed this to go on the way it did. I can't believe I allowed myself to to feel that way about him. I can't believe I actually said anything. For the most part, I never bother to get attracted to anyone because it's such a waste of my heart and soul -- I know they'd never see me that way. But this guy, jeez, he was so unlike anyone I'd ever encountered in my life. He was so, so, so deeply sensitive and intelligent and compassionate. He is such a beautiful, unique human being who inspires me every day. And he struggles with his self-worth in exactly the same way that I do.

I know, I know, there's a lesson to learn from all this. Don't waste my heart and soul on handsome, stimulating men. I get it. I really don't need anyone to wag a finger. Rationally speaking, I knew that my chances of him wanting me were slim. Why on earth would he be attracted to me? I'm not beautiful, talented or interesting. There isn't a thing in the world that I could offer to such a man. Besides, his ex was this drop-dead gorgeous redhead. No way in hell I'd ever compete with that. At first, I tried everything in my power to not think about him. But there were little moments in our interactions where it seemed like maybe something was there on his end. I am immensely ashamed to admit this, but some pathetic, delusional part of me believed that it actually might turn into something.

I really can't even begin to describe how humiliated I am and how much I hate myself right now. It is beyond ludicrous that I let myself think that there was even the remotest chance that he'd return my feelings. I am cringing now just thinking about that text message. The smart part of me knew that I'd never have a chance with him, but for some crazy reason I thought that being totally open and honest and taking the risk was the right thing to do. Even if he rejected me, which I was 95% sure would happen, at the very least it would help me free myself from all of the fantasies that I have attempted in vain to shut off over the past year. But now that I've done it, I realize WHAT A GODAWFUL IDEA THAT WAS. I made myself vulnerable in the worst, most embarrassing way and I can't take it back. My dignity is destroyed. I'm drowning right now and there's no one I know who can help me.

For what it's worth, you were just honest about how you felt and he didn't reply to your text message. That's honestly way more common to warrant any kind of embarrassment, but I also understand that this was something that took you months to prepare for and it wasn't the result you wanted.

I think a lot of us have been there and it's never easy. But, maybe look at it this way?

You said you feel humiliated and your dignity is destroyed, but how? You were honest to him and he didn't reply to your message one way or another which I think is kind of childish, honestly. I have a feeling you would have felt better if he let you down gently instead of just taking way too long to reply(if he ever does reply).

I remember when I was trying to find a band to join and this one band let me play with them for a bit but I really didn't like the direction they were going or the kind of music they wanted to play. So, later, I sent them a message telling them that I don't think I want to take part in their band because it's not the kind of band I want to be in but that I hoped they would still do well. The leader replied saying he was so thankful for being direct and honest with him because they keep on having band members who abandon them without any explanation.

So, I think it's really common for people not wanting to reply than to even just say no even though they're causing more damage by being silent.

I honestly think he's the one carrying the shame and it's not you. I also think it's possible he'll reply eventually but he's not entirely sure how to, but, if he doesn't, I don't think that reflects well on him.

I've known this other girl who got drunk and she spilled out her feelings to this one guy she's been hanging out with for a year when she got drunk and he went silent too. When he did that, she realized he turned out to be someone she didn't like that much.

I'm not sure if that's also true for you. Sometimes the way people respond to these things can reveal someones true character and it shows how immature they can be. My ex wanted to give advice saying that she should give the person an ultimatum, but, for me, honestly, if the answer is not no now then it's going to be no later. And if they handle that kind of honesty from their friends by basically avoiding the problem all together, they've suddenly stopped being a good friend IMHO. Even if they politely say no and ask for some time apart for a while to not let things get awkward is better, I think.

You really did nothing wrong. I think there's still time to see what he'll say, but you haven't lost your dignity though; you have nothing to be ashamed about. You really did your best and from what I can see you said nothing wrong in your messages. I hope you'll feel better soon.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through that. I've also had a strong, long-term crush on someone that I'd hoped would turn into something, who rejected me. It's not fun, especially when rejection is all you ever get.

My worst rejection came when I was 16, with someone I'd been talking to for months online (I'd met her in real life too but didn't see her that often). I was in a state of volatility for about two weeks. Since the pain of that experience, I've been reserved as it relates to catching feelings for people. It hurt, but it taught me some valuable lessons.

1) Don't fantasise, fixate or catch feelings for anyone who you don't have reason to believe likes you back. If there are no objective signs of interest, assume that they're not romantically interested in you until such a time that there is evidence to suggest otherwise. If you catch yourself fantasising, you remind yourself that that person probably doesn't like you anyway and it kills the fantasy for you, or at least it did to me.

2) If you receive a painful rejection from someone, to get over it as fast as possible, block them out of as many channels of your life as possible. If you can go without seeing them at all in real life and block them on social media so you don't even see their name or photo, that's probably the best thing you can do at this stage. It will hurt for a little while, as recent wounds tend to do, but it will pass over time.

As an aside, I blocked the girl I received a painful rejection from on facebook for a year. I didn't see anything that would make me think of her for that entire year and after it was up, I added her on Facebook again and it was like I'd never even been rejected by her or liked her. She was just another girl.

To be fair though, over that year, my tastes did change a bit as well.

.

I tried so so so so much to stop fantasizing and fixating. Maybe my mental discipline just isn't strong enough. He would keep creeping into my thoughts and I would find myself very quickly falling down the rabbit hole of fantasy before I could even stop myself. The fact that I saw and worked with closely him on a very regular basis (at least 1-3 times a week) due to us being in the same class all year made it even more difficult to not become more and more attracted to him. Unfortunately, it's a small class and I'm not going to be able to avoid him anytime soon.

In regards to evaluating objective signs of interest, I think part of the problem is that this guy is an actor, and an insanely talented one at that. For some actors who are deeply gifted (think Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Jessica Chastain, Amanda Plummer), they cannot fully express themselves in the work without maintaining a downright-bizarre level of openness and emotional availability in their daily life. Most people I meet are on a kind of autopilot when they're around me, but he radiated authentic interest and warmth. Thinking back, I see that the unusual generosity he showed me was just a facet of his particular sensibility as an actor, and had nothing to do with being attracted to me.

I've been rejected in just about every single social situation I've ever been in since kindergarten. However, the thing that makes this particular rejection so agonizing is all of the different ways I've seriously embarrassed myself around this person. He has seen not only my worst acting failures, but the most unflattering, awkward versions of me in multiple instances. The acting class we take involves a circle-time discussion in which we share anecdotes from our private emotional lives in order to be more courageous actors. He has heard me share some seriously cringeworthy, mortifying stuff. (I honestly wasn't thinking about him and how he'd view me while I was sharing them, and he's shared some embarrassing things too, but his stuff was less embarrassing than mine) He has seen me do extremely poor acting work at times. And of course, what happened today was the worst humiliation of them all.

It sucks. It is a special kind of hell. I used to feel this often, but now it doesn't bother me much. Many people I had a crush on in the past are gone and none are people I pine for now. At the time they seemed like everything to me, but I don't think I've missed out on anyone who really would've been great for me. I just felt differently at the time. Seeing things clearly, I realize I was projecting onto them and they weren't as great as I thought.



But, what was she like? Your posts show you are thoughtful and good at sharing your feelings. You have something to say--a personality.

Sorry you feel so bad right now

I don't know too much about her, however, I can safely assume that she was a fantastic actor. The head of Shakespeare from our program cast her as Lady Olivia in his production of Twelfth Night, and he is an EXTREMELY picky director. He definitely would not have chosen her for a role like that if she wasn't absolutely first-rate. As far as what she was like personally, it doesn't seem like their relationship was an altogether lovely one from what he described. He dated her when she was only 19 and after two years of being together, she left him to marry (and then immediately divorce) some dude in her show. Nonetheless, she was a stunner with formidable acting skill. Aaaaggghh

I suppose that if I just keep working at it and applying myself, maybe someday I'll become an amazing, accomplished artist who guys like that could legitimately consider an option for them. But the version of me that deserves love and respect feels so far away from who I am now that it just fills me with despair.

I know you are thinking over everything, but what you have said is just a statement of truth, its not anything more than that and he might just be struggling to know what to say back. Especially if hes an aspie he might be frozen in terror as hes been oblivious to your interest before this moment.

He has said that he thinks of himself as a socially awkward guy. But if he liked me, wouldn't it be easy to simply say I like you too? In his text back, what he wrote was: Hey! What makes you say a thing like that? I'm flattered

Sounds like a pretty conclusive rejection to me.

The lesson here is always *choose* to like the people within your league. Yes, leagues exist.

For instance, it would be totally unreasonable for me to like a drop-dead gorgeous blue-eyed model-like blonde woman surrounded by handsome men; while me an ugly shortie guy.

I don’t know how old you are, but if you are around 30 this lesson must already takes root in your psych; otherwise you will keep falling for delusions and end up hurt.

Sorry for not being clearer, but you started to describe the difference I was thinking of. You probably have much better character than her. She may be "hot," but if she's that impulsive with relationships then she's unbalanced and unsafe. And this guy may be great in many ways, but his attraction to her also says something about him. You're punishing yourself even though you sound stronger than these two. Their ability to act is not an ability to act decently as people.

Id take it as hes not got all that much confidence and doesnt know why you are complimenting him. Hes taken it as a compliment because hes said hes flattered but he is asking why because he doesnt think hes maybe done anything to deserve your compliment. I just dont see any rejection thus far. Obviously silence isnt great but I know myself I can sometimes be literally unable to speak/text etc because its just so difficult to know what to say. Have you messaged him since?

I got a response from him this afternoon. Final nail in the coffin. He said: "Thanks you're great too"

It is impossible for me to feel anything other than profound contempt for myself. I truly should have known better. How could I have seriously entertained the hope that I would be girlfriend material for someone so hopelessly out of my league? This hurts so much I can almost feel myself leaving my body.

I've got the same thing. I've been wondering what to call her but long-term crush fits perfectly.

And damn it to all hell, I did the same thing after crushing for over a decade and being tired of subtle hints. Except I sent her a rant via Google doc which I sent to her through instagram direct messaging at 4 in the morning. Beautifully written rant, you can read it if you want...

I don't/didn't feel entirely embarrassed, quite used to that feeling actually. Don't know if I felt liberated at all but it was the right thing to do, I think. Those words were tearing up my insides and life's short.if I feel that way about anybody or anything then it's only right that I express that in the most civil way possible. Even though I wanted her to respond to me, in the rant- I asked her not to respond. Narrator spoiler: She didn't. That hurt, I don't even know if she read it and I gave myself to her openly. I think she did like me, a little even, when we were younger but ironically I didn't have the words to express it- like I don't know- and I missed so many social cues that I understand a little better now

Try not to be too hard on yourself, you put yourself out there and you got basically a soft reject.

I know it's easy to feel stupid but try not to, you let someone know that you like him and he wasn't interested. It's really not the end of the world.

It will be awkward the next time you see him. If I were you I'd keep my distance for a while, be a little cool but still civil. There's no reason to avoid him, really. It happens, it's a human thing. Just remember, this too shall pass.

There’s also a possibility that he’s shy. Maybe he was just stunned by what you said.

Maybe you shouldn’t feel rejected at all.

I know that’s no consolation—but I actually believe this is a possibility.

I bet you’re a person of great ability. Maybe enough so that I envy you.

How could a 33-year-old guy who has had at least two girlfriends be shy around women to such an extent? Is that how you would respond to a woman you were attracted to?