Tell me your stories. Help me understand!

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Hello all! This is my first time posting here.
While my significant other hasn't been properly diagnosed, we (his mom, himself and myself) are aware of his possibility of being on the spectrum. It's my observation that it could be some mild form of Asperger's. I want to understand more about what it might be like or how I can help my S/O out.

He does wonderfully with eye/physical contact so I'm very grateful for that and absolutely loves routine. He could eat turkey and cheese sandwiches every single day without complaint. If the course of the meal comes with multiple side items, he'll eat every thing in order. Once one side is done, he can move on to the other.

Everyone gets the impression that he's very quiet. He's an observer. He's admitted that social situations make him highly uncomfortable but is willing to attend them for special occasions or if I ask. He has a very good sense of humor and is a genius when it comes to numbers and even his academic essays are to be admired.

So the background aside, I carry a lot of the conversation. We do much better in person but this semester is the first one we'll be in different cities. I assumed things would get kind of tricky now that distance is playing a factor.

I notice that if I'm going through some strong negative emotion, he kinda just shuts down. He'll always say he doesn't know what to say. He just lets me vent until I get it all out. He doesn't get upset or annoyed. He accepts it and we'll move along.
Often, I'll ask how he's feeling and while he may say "I'm good", it's not uncommon for him to say he doesn't know. He knows that some things "don't feel good" but they don't have exact names like angry, sad, frustrated, annoyed, excited, apprehensive... etc.
I've seen him cry once but I'm thinking it took a LOT for him to get there. I feel bad that I played a factor in that (we misunderstood each other's messages and thought we were breaking up). That's the only time though. I do have to give him very specific instructions on tasks that I need help with or even with feeling better.

Example: I could be sad and say "I want something sweet" and he might say "Okay". It's not until I say "I don't feel well. Let's go for vanilla shakes" that it really clicks and he'll grab his keys.

He's extremely loyal and very gentle. He's everything I ever wanted in another person.

I just need some tips or relating stories to help me feel like I'm not the only one going through this (because Lord knows I'm not). Anything I can do to help myself or my S/O? Any good book recommendations?

Thank you for your time!

Read, I’m just a lonely aspie though so nothing to share, honestly why you’re with an aspie confuses me, good luck though

Your S/O sounds similar to myself. Especially with the specific instructions part, which is about to come into play right now. What do you need help with exactly?

Well he didn't disclose before or after we got together. We've been together 11 months and I just now found out. He said he felt shame when it came to telling me. When we got together, I just thought he was a quiet, observant guy.

I'm looking for better ways of communicating from him. Should I just give up hope that we'll carry on phone conversations well? Irl, he's talkative and can do really well but now that we're apart... he literally says "I'm thinking of what to say." I feel like our conversation flow is stuttering and I'm really frustrated by it.

If this was your impression of him before, there's no reason why your attitude towards him should change now that you have a specific name for his condition.

Ultimately, 'Asperger's Syndrome' is just a name. The name itself doesn't matter, but what it stands for. If your relationship prior to his disclosure of his condition was satisfactory enough, there's no action you need to take.

Being distant from each other can have that effect especially if it's the first time, he might also not feel comfortable talking on the phone.

I myself feel uncomfortable talking on the phone even if it's someone I know, when I was visiting my aunt in Louisiana and my mother would call our conversation flow would stutter as well, when at home I can talk to her just fine.

Some autistic people have trouble applying things to different situations and many dislike change. Talking on the phone to someone is no different than talking to them in person with the exception of not being next to them and you can see them. For me when I talk on the phone my anxiety kicks in and it's not the exact same as talking in person, maybe he is use to talking to you only in person and when he talks to you in any other way it causes his brain to kind of get jumbled because it's not the exact same way he talked to you before.

Anyway, before I start rambling too much, what if you both tried video chatting instead. If what I said is the problem, video chatting could help make it easier for him to process the different situation and get comfortable with it, since he can at least, still see you.

Just curious, did you initiate the relationship or did he?

My story? As someone on the spectrum I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough for my SO. It can be difficult for me to participate in some of her activities. She's very extroverted and sometimes it's hard for me to be social with her friends. She never has any difficulty interacting with my friends and family.

Even with her, I sometimes need a few hours by myself to unwind. She doesn't like this. She says she misses me too much, even if I'm in the next room.

She wants me to go on a holiday with her next year and I'm a bit nervous about this. Three whole weeks in a different country, sleeping on strange beds and away from people I know.

Like a lot of aspies I'm uncoordinated. Sometimes she wants me to go with her to gym classes or yoga classes. I don't mind some exercise but certain types of movement can be too complicated for me. For example, her yoga class requires doing things while standing on one leg. It's nearly impossible for me to stand on one leg for a second, let alone a minute and having to balance on one leg for a minute while trying to hold my body sideways and lift one arm towards the ceiling is beyond impossible for me.

When I was single I sometimes felt like I wasn't good enough for girls and now I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough for my girlfriend. She's beautiful and I'm plain looking. She's fit and I'm fat. She's a really good cook and I'm not. She has a master's degree and I never went to college. She really seems to love me but sometimes I wonder what she sees in me.

Gosh, I don't know. Honestly it sounds like smooth sailing to me, you seem to have a lot of this stuff figured out already.


A text-based form of conversation is usually the easiest for people on the spectrum.

People on the spectrum think and act differently than NT's. Don't expect them to ever completely change (maybe improve, though).

Aspies, and Autistics are pretty straightforward about what they want, and don't want, and can be pretty blunt at times. They also don't always understand social cues, and sometimes things have to be "spelled out" for them to understand. Subtle hints usually don't work. Tell them what's on your mind. They also can be pretty bad at emotional support, and understanding someone else's needs, and point of view, although I wouldn't call them selfish, or say that they lack empathy, by any means. Also, like you mentioned, they are creatures of habit, and like routine, and any major disruptions to that routine, usually stresses them out.

Sorry I'm getting back to this question so late. I read a lot of responses and got overwhelmed and forgot to check back!

Actually, he did. He said he was into me for about a year before he made any moves. I only got to know him because he was my best friend's friend and she brought him to our apartment.

I communicate with people easily... but if I'm talking and he's just listening, I get the feeling that I'm talking to the wall or something. He acknowledges that he's listening but if I get frustrated that he's not saying anything he will say "Well, what do you want me to say?"
That seems to make me even more frustrated. Like. I'm not insensitive. I just want to know /why/ it's hard for him to talk. Why is talking so painful?

Thank you for your input! We saw each other today face-to-face because I was on the verge of a meltdown. We agreed that Skype calls could really help us in the future. We're going to try to video chat for the first time tonight so I hope all goes well!

Sometimes that's just the way it is for us =/ It's not "painful" to reply, it's just not knowing what to say, or not knowing how to put it into words. Sometimes we can hear what someone is saying to us, but without empathy, it's difficult to relate to it.

It can go the other way around too. I know for a lot of us, if we get to talking about a special interest, it can get really long-winded, and people tend to stop listening.

That would be mind-to-mind, but it is unlikely you will be able to create such a connection when you have been together for almost a year.



Probably. Phone conversations are just horrible.



You shouldn't expect flow in conversation. That's pretty unnatural for Aspies.