Lady at work keeps interrogating me 0.o

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elsapelsa
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12 Sep 2018, 12:05 pm

[quote="Spiderpig"]If people have a way to make you uncomfortable for their mistakes, they’ll often use it. Apparently, there are universal ways for men to make women uncomfortable. I tend to be oblivious to them, because I usually forget life is a game of chess, and also tend to think that the woman’s desirability to me confers her a moral high ground I can’t take away by abusing her.[quote]

Thing is I found the salesman example far more more destabilising than the masturbating men. The masturbating men were pretty clear cut. The salesman example is like my driving instructor who once commented that I was a road hazard by just driving as men were staring at me and not the road. Those kind of comments that are somehow meant to be flattering are extremely unsettling to me as I don't like that kind of ambiguity. What are you meant to say, smile sweetly and say 'thanks' whilst you are dying inside?


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12 Sep 2018, 12:16 pm

I guess you already know you're supposed to understand perfectly what they mean, and the dying inside is the punishment you get for lacking that innate ability.


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elsapelsa
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12 Sep 2018, 12:34 pm

Spiderpig wrote:
I guess you already know you're supposed to understand perfectly what they mean, and the dying inside is the punishment you get for lacking that innate ability.


Can you explain what you mean? I am confused. These things always trouble me.

Like recently I was in the states and filling up at the gas station and my pump wasn't working and this man handed me his pump and said to fill up on him... Why would he do that? What does it mean, what does he want? I really don't get it. What is the scenario he is hoping will happen? Or do people just go around giving away petrol?

If I am guarded in these scenarios I feel like I am being vain as I take it they are approaching me because they find me attactive but if I am not guarded I fear I am being naive. Recently, in moments of self-doubt, I have even wondered if all my male friends through the ages were only friends with me because they thought it would eventually lead to something more which would make me feel rather sad. Although if I am honest with myself I do actually know that is not true as there is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

But recently a female acquaintance said the mums in the playground felt threatened by me as I am attractive. Once again, I am left gobsmacked. Of all the reasons I feel I don't get on with and find it easy to chat with the mums in the playground this would be at the bottom of my list. I myself would never even pay attention to someone's appearance. And they are all dolled up and I am not. So, is this just something she said or do women actually make those kind of odd decisions.

Wow, really pouring out all my insecurities in one place tonight.

Better go to bed now. :(


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fluffysaurus
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12 Sep 2018, 3:33 pm

Elsapelsa.

It's true that attractive women don't always get treated very nicely by other women but I would question why this

acquaintance felt the need to tell you the other women felt threatened by you. It sounds to me as if she is the one

who feels threatened. As for finding the other comments uncomfortable, they are basically accusing you of being

responsible for other people's behavour. If I trip over in the road because I'm watching someone else eat a cake

instead of where I'm going, it's because I'm a greedy piggy, it's not the cake's fault for being all yummy. The lack of

originality is pretty cringeworthy too.



sly279
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12 Sep 2018, 5:49 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I don't get the erection in public whole thing, but maybe I am not high in testosterone enough - I thought only young adults have this ability? At my current age I don't get erection unless I am doing something sexual with someone or deeply fantasizing in the right setting, or morning wood - otherwise I don't get aroused just visually ie. by just seeing an attractive girl in public; yes, I will think she is attractive but not to the point of getting an unwanted erection.


I have a high sex drive and get easily turned on. So like when I’m texting a woman I like I get errections. Some enjoyed being able to do it, however I doubt a friend would like it.
As for seeing women it doesn’t happen all the time but it does happen.
My original point was that if I had a female friend in person who hugged, touched or cuddled me I’d get an errection, some conversations could probably cause it too.



sly279
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12 Sep 2018, 5:55 pm

BenderRodriguez wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Yes I can control it. I can stop the process and go and do something else. I turn my mind to other thoughts. Sorry it took a while to work out that's what you were asking. I thought that everyone could do that. :scratch: The idea of not being able to stop the process never occurred to me.


I'd like to comment on this, just in case you might get the impression that all men are the way one person represents himself here:

I don't know about "everybody", but yes, men can do that too. Erections, either involuntary or triggered by sexual thoughts go away if you deliberately concentrate your mind on other things. It has nothing to do with age or level or "horniness" - I'm just teaching my teenage son these days how to avoid embarrassing himself at the pool and generally in public. Most men will know what I'm talking about.

Also, men (with some exceptions it seems) don't automatically get erections or slip into detailed sexual fantasies when they hug a female friend, even an attractive one.

While men are sexual beings and can be very visual, we also have self control and the ability to relate and interact with (attractive) women in a non-sexual way. And plenty of us manage to have meaningful friendships or professional relationships with women without lusting over them.


Doesn’t stop it from going erect in the first place . It just happens, yes it goes away that wasn’t the point. It takes time to go away too it’s not instant.

I find your post mean and judgemental
I have lots of self control

Also they’ve done random interviews most men interviewed admired if given the chance they’d have sex with their friends. Everyone needs to focus on how men and women deal with their urges not that they have them.



sly279
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12 Sep 2018, 6:11 pm

elsapelsa wrote:
Spiderpig wrote:
I guess you already know you're supposed to understand perfectly what they mean, and the dying inside is the punishment you get for lacking that innate ability.


Can you explain what you mean? I am confused. These things always trouble me.

Like recently I was in the states and filling up at the gas station and my pump wasn't working and this man handed me his pump and said to fill up on him... Why would he do that? What does it mean, what does he want? I really don't get it. What is the scenario he is hoping will happen? Or do people just go around giving away petrol?

If I am guarded in these scenarios I feel like I am being vain as I take it they are approaching me because they find me attactive but if I am not guarded I fear I am being naive. Recently, in moments of self-doubt, I have even wondered if all my male friends through the ages were only friends with me because they thought it would eventually lead to something more which would make me feel rather sad. Although if I am honest with myself I do actually know that is not true as there is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

But recently a female acquaintance said the mums in the playground felt threatened by me as I am attractive. Once again, I am left gobsmacked. Of all the reasons I feel I don't get on with and find it easy to chat with the mums in the playground this would be at the bottom of my list. I myself would never even pay attention to someone's appearance. And they are all dolled up and I am not. So, is this just something she said or do women actually make those kind of odd decisions.

Wow, really pouring out all my insecurities in one place tonight.

Better go to bed now. :(


Some people do give free gas or pay for people’s food or groceries. Some people are just kind and have money to afford it. If I was well off I’d do it.

He also might felt sorry for as you were struggling getting gas or it could been he found you pretty and so did it. Doesn’t mean he expected anything from you. Lots of guys give free stuff to pretty women and some women know this and take advantage of it.

Me personally if I saw a lady crying I’d try to help her if I could.



sly279
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12 Sep 2018, 6:21 pm

elsapelsa wrote:
Spiderpig wrote:
I guess you already know you're supposed to understand perfectly what they mean, and the dying inside is the punishment you get for lacking that innate ability.


Can you explain what you mean? I am confused. These things always trouble me.

Like recently I was in the states and filling up at the gas station and my pump wasn't working and this man handed me his pump and said to fill up on him... Why would he do that? What does it mean, what does he want? I really don't get it. What is the scenario he is hoping will happen? Or do people just go around giving away petrol?

If I am guarded in these scenarios I feel like I am being vain as I take it they are approaching me because they find me attactive but if I am not guarded I fear I am being naive. Recently, in moments of self-doubt, I have even wondered if all my male friends through the ages were only friends with me because they thought it would eventually lead to something more which would make me feel rather sad. Although if I am honest with myself I do actually know that is not true as there is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

But recently a female acquaintance said the mums in the playground felt threatened by me as I am attractive. Once again, I am left gobsmacked. Of all the reasons I feel I don't get on with and find it easy to chat with the mums in the playground this would be at the bottom of my list. I myself would never even pay attention to someone's appearance. And they are all dolled up and I am not. So, is this just something she said or do women actually make those kind of odd decisions.

Wow, really pouring out all my insecurities in one place tonight.

Better go to bed now. :(


Some people do give free gas or pay for people’s food or groceries. Some people are just kind and have money to afford it. If I was well off I’d do it.

He also might felt sorry for as you were struggling getting gas or it could been he found you pretty and so did it. Doesn’t mean he expected anything from you. Lots of guys give free stuff to pretty women and some women know this and take advantage of it.

Me personally if I saw a lady crying I’d try to help her if I could.



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13 Sep 2018, 3:06 am

sly279 wrote:

Doesn’t stop it from going erect in the first place . It just happens, yes it goes away that wasn’t the point. It takes time to go away too it’s not instant.

I find your post mean and judgemental
I have lots of self control

Also they’ve done random interviews most men interviewed admired if given the chance they’d have sex with their friends. Everyone needs to focus on how men and women deal with their urges not that they have them.


I'm sorry if I upset you, I really wasn't talking about you. Of course it happens sometimes and sure it's embarrassing and yes, sometimes guys have sexual thoughts about their females friends. And I fully agree with your last sentence.

I was irritated by a few other posts suggesting that just by being around women men's brains suddenly became incapable to think about anything else but sex, bringing up rape completely out of the blue - rape is not motivated by sexual arousal itself and it had nothing to do with this discussion.

Also some of the explicit posts here would be better suited in the Adult section, especially since hurtloam expressed discomfort with that side of things.

Peace - I know you're struggling and didn't mean to make you feel worse.


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sly279
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15 Sep 2018, 2:26 am

BenderRodriguez wrote:
sly279 wrote:

Doesn’t stop it from going erect in the first place . It just happens, yes it goes away that wasn’t the point. It takes time to go away too it’s not instant.

I find your post mean and judgemental
I have lots of self control

Also they’ve done random interviews most men interviewed admired if given the chance they’d have sex with their friends. Everyone needs to focus on how men and women deal with their urges not that they have them.


I'm sorry if I upset you, I really wasn't talking about you. Of course it happens sometimes and sure it's embarrassing and yes, sometimes guys have sexual thoughts about their females friends. And I fully agree with your last sentence.

I was irritated by a few other posts suggesting that just by being around women men's brains suddenly became incapable to think about anything else but sex, bringing up rape completely out of the blue - rape is not motivated by sexual arousal itself and it had nothing to do with this discussion.

Also some of the explicit posts here would be better suited in the Adult section, especially since hurtloam expressed discomfort with that side of things.

Peace - I know you're struggling and didn't mean to make you feel worse.


It’s more a internal war. Half wants to think about sexual stuff with the lady and other half is like no and trying to have conversation. Though probably it half’s maybe 1/8 but it’s looe a wishper one has to consciously ignore.

I agree some got too sexual, I responded to people and tried to keep it as non sexual as possible while responding. I certainly could been worse. I hope it didn’t make her too uncomfortable. There was a time any sexual talk made me uncomfortable



GummyDinosaur
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15 Sep 2018, 10:02 pm

She’s probably trying to be friendly. I also think you’re mistaking conversation for interrogation. You may be overthinking things.

At my work, I try to talk to and be friendly with everyone regardless of gender. It gets boring to just sit at a desk avoiding everyone. I observe that most people at my office converse randomly and make small talk, and the people who don’t can be seen as cold and unfriendly.

Also, not every opposite gender person has to be seen as a potential mate. It’s okay to be platonically friendly with people of the opposite gender, otherwise you’d be avoiding half the population of earth.

And if you are hoping to find a relationship one day generally being friends is the first step. If you can’t make friends, then it’s difficult to create a relationship. So I suggest practice making friends with people and learning how to interact with girls platonically. It would help you gain practice and confidence if a relationship is your goal.

I also think seeking relationships at work is a bad idea. It’s drama waiting to happen. Anyone at work should be off limits in my opinion. lol



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16 Sep 2018, 1:54 am

^Hello fellow dinosaur :)

As you age it gets harder and harder to meet people of the opposite sex so work can't be ruled out especially in

something like retail (where employers don't mind).



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16 Sep 2018, 4:15 pm

fluffysaurus wrote:
^Hello fellow dinosaur :)

As you age it gets harder and harder to meet people of the opposite sex so work can't be ruled out especially in

something like retail (where employers don't mind).

Hi fellow dino :D

True, I think really depends on the work culture. At my work, it’s a very formal office so I think it’s a bad idea. In more casual work environments I could see it being ok. Although there is the risk of it creating drama and drama makes me anxious so I would avoid it personally. lol



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16 Sep 2018, 4:29 pm

fluffysaurus wrote:
^Hello fellow dinosaur :)

Sometimes I feel like a dinosaur, does that count?


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