How can I feel like my 20's weren't wasted?

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I am now 30 and I feel like what should've been my best years are forever gone. I've seen so many people figure out who they are as well as get married or atleast find a long-term partner in their 20's but my 20's were exercises in failure and disappointment. But is there anything I can do that would make me feel like those years weren't wasted or should I just finally kill myself as my mind is always telling me to do so?

Your 20s are gone, not necessarily the best years of your life.

I would like to point out that this rumination on your 20s and what did and didn't happen is not a good use of your time in your 30s.

I wonder if one were to have asked Stephen Hawking if he thought his 20s were wasted, If he thought his 20s were the best years of his particular life.

Not a clue. After I've finished getting nowhere socially in my 20's maybe I'll be able to think of some good advice for you.

Let me ask YOU a question:

How is it going getting your mom taken off as your designated payee and getting yourself independent?

I didn't have the life I wanted in my 20s but I do not feel I wasted them as I spent my time doing things conducive to my life goals or doing things I enjoyed doing.

Marknis you spend a lot of time making posts here about things in the past you are ruminating on or things in your life that you are discontent with and many of them are repetitive. Do you get something positive out of spending your time doing this?

If so, continue if you wish but if not then making these posts is not a healthy past time for you and you are setting yourself up for feeling that you have wasted your 30s. I frequent another website with a rants forum and the rule is that people are only allowed to post on a subject that bothers them once because actively indulging in distressing subjects you are ruminating on is toxic when doing so is not conducive to fixing them,healing or moving past them.

The subject might pop in to your mind and upset you but you don't have to entertain it and let it stay.

"if I were the Moore I would not be Iago"

These years have made you who you are. If you're not happy now, change it. Your concept of time is wrong. You only have now.

While you might feel like you're alone because you're 30 and have nothing to show for your 20's.. It's actually pretty common, so try not to be so hard on yourself over it. The past is gone. Try to focus on building yourself up with what you have now. Any time spent on the past is wasted energy. Energy that you can spend living and improving your life.

Not everyone functions at the same level at the same time. Life is not easy for anyone. Even if it appears that way on the surface. More often than not, things don't happen the way people expect or hope for. That does not mean it will never happen or all hope is lost. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Humans have unique challenges and circumstances throughout life. It's pointless to compare. Most people make the mistake of focusing on the outside world instead of their own inner world. How can you ever hope to attract a woman, at least the one that's right for you, if you can't even take charge of your own life? A woman will absolutely sense that. Focus on yourself, not out of selfishness, but out of self respect and for the sake of your own self worth. Put yourself in a position of strength, not weakness. Start now and you will see a positive change in everything.

I should say that I did not accomplish all of the goals I worked towards in my 20s. Was that time wasted? One can see it that way but one can also see the time as an investment and all investments have risk. At the time, I was putting my time in to an investment that might have paid off, and it was the best thing I knew to do with my time. So I do not feel I spent my time unwisely. I made a wise investment that did not yield the returns I hoped for for reasons beyond my control.

If you feel suicidal please call your therapist or tell a family member or someone who can help or walk in toban ER or call a crisis line.

Suicide Prevention Hotline

I have to be honest and say it really hurts me more than helps me. I just feel so lonely and frustrated with my struggles that I have to get my stress out in some way so I suppose it helps in that way but it doesn't change the fact I still feel depressed. It also causes me to have a warm and uncomfortable feeling in my head and chest. I wish I could hit back at those who talk down on me but I have nothing to show for it.



I've been feeling both physically and mentally drained from my daily struggles that I haven't thought about that at all lately. I feel tired and worn out especially when I get off my job. I hate that so many people I know are married or are in long-term relationships while I can't even get a coffee date. It's not for lack of trying, I HAVE tried to get out of my rut but I always get dead ends no matter what I do. Relationships are everywhere I go and I still get asked sometimes if I am dating anyone or if I want children but I can only say no to the first question and that I can't even think about children since I can't even get a date.

Answer: Your 20's WERE wasted. Now, resolve not to waste the rest of your years.

I'm going to say something radical, and don't get mad about it, but just think about it. Your job depletes you which may interfere with your getting out more and moving on with your life. You can quit that job. Quit it.

Second radical notion: walk into an ER and say you are thinking about killing yourself all the time. With any luck, you'll be hospitalized and get a little intensive therapy, more than the every-other-week thing you have with your outpatient therapist. This goal would work best if you choose any hospital with a bona fide psychiatry department. A community hospital may not do you much good. The university hospital probably does have a psychiatry department - you can google this.

The reason I am making radical suggestions is for months and months (maybe years), you have been unable to take the advice offered you in good faith about getting out of your situation. You're miserable, and we're all getting a little tired of reading about your misery. Not a put-down, my point is that we feel burnt out by offering you the same support and advice, and seeing you get nowhere. So try something different this time. Put your toothbrush in your pocket, drive to Austin, go to the university hospital, and tell the emergency room you are feeling suicidal.

Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

If I took out all references to relationships and inserted references to my music career, we’d have nearly identical posts.

But if that’s your purpose in life, all you can do is keep moving forward no matter what. My problem right now is all the voices in my head are screaming at me to just pack up and move. Just throw the absolute necessities in the back of the van, drive, don’t look back, and start over where I run out of gas. Just pretend this life was all a bad dream.

It’s the little things that keep me planted here. I’m working with a benefactor to get new classroom equipment so that I can give my students the kind of experience they deserve. I’m not an ordinary teacher, so my students shouldn’t get used to ordinary, dull, boring life. And yet I feel like for the last three years I’ve barely had table scraps to feed them.

It’s been so bad I can’t even get in at the nursing homes to play for freakin’ FREE anymore.

So when I get a famous country star willing to sink $8k into what I’m doing, it makes me want to show up for just one more day. Or when a friend asks me to play a wedding, I don’t turn them down. Moving to full-time status is looking better. And I’m working with some good people at church who want to replace the pipe organ with something that will serve several needs.

It doesn’t magically make everything all right in my world, because I’m still not getting all the weekend gigs I used to have. It sometimes feels like I got blacklisted, and it’s tough trying to break back into the music scene.

But on the other hand, they call on me to keep the sound system in the gym and auditorium up and running. And I’m taking that a step further: I’m actively training kids how to do the same thing so if I ever do say eff it all and leave, nobody will notice I’m gone. And I mean that in a GOOD way, because if people are so dependent on me even when they hated me, it’s going to be worse for them if I walk everything falls apart. That’s not the kind of legacy I want to leave behind even in the worst of circumstances.

What I’m trying to say here is that if you choose to stick around, it’s going to mean doing the most good for the most people no matter what you think they think about you. Maybe it feels like girls have blacklisted you, same as with me and the people who COULD give me a good break. If you’re stuck, why not make solid relationships with those you’re stuck with? I don’t actually like a lot of the people I’m stuck with. It’s taken me over 3 years just to get this far with one project.

It’s been tough. Over the last 3 years I’ve had another musician competint against me, someone who was largely ineffective in the classroom, resistant to change, and a terrible gossip. I feel fortunate that I outlasted her and am now in “first chair” to borrow a band nerd term, doing all the things she took so much pride in and doing it BETTER.

So you’ve asked for coffee dates and got rejected. I get it. I keep getting rejected. And I just keep asking for more. That’s all you can do. Form relationships at the most basic level. Demonstrate consistently that you can be trusted be deliverying on what people want and expect of you, then ASK for what you really want.

If I found myself single tomorrow and wanted to get right back in the saddle, I could probably get a lunch date within two weeks. Not a romantic relationship. I probably would NOT get a hookup. But I could at least meet someone ONCE. It would be shaky, but I wouldn’t give up.

Who knows? Maybe I’d join back up with the community theater. There was always at least one pretty young thing there. Or I’d see who on the local arts council is single, or maybe I’d get back on the symphony board, or I’d join a regional arts council as a performing artist. That wouldn’t get me dates DIRECTLY, but it would put me within a network of presenters and other artists, some of whom might happen to be single and looking. One minute you’re meeting to discuss the nitty gritty of a recital series. Next thing you know, you’re both catching a ballet out of town and enjoying an entire day together. A month later, she introduces you to her friends as her boyfriend.

The longer I live here, the more this place surprises me. One of my students has a bizarre obsession with sketching Slender Man. We speak nearly the same language of musical taste. A former student of mine was obsessed with anime and vocaloid. Even a place as dirty as this is a meltingpot of diverse ideas and taste, as backwards and depressing as it seems sometimes. I’ve noticed that the more isolated these kids are among “rednecks” and “ghetto thugs,” the darker they are and the more they seek out goth and emo lifestyles. They do exist. You’re not alone where you are. I can almost guarantee they are hiding out among the redneck girls. They’re under too much social pressure to show it, but they’re in there. The more you give them a chance, and really the more you give yourself a chance, the more likely you will find what you’re looking for.

Why do you think you hit dead ends?

My 20's seemed like a total waste at the time....but, upon reflection, I believe I learned lots.

Upon your reflection, this might happen, too. But you have to take steps to make your 30's worthwhile. Regret never does anybody any good....whether in yourself or in relating to others.

Your best shot is foreigner women; especially East Asians; believe me.

I know you are White, so seriously forget the White/Caucasians; you have failed to attract one in 20 years, and one doesn’t get more attractive with age.

I have totally accepted the fact that I am very unattractive to the vast majority of Caucasian populace; first hand life experience, geographical tinder experiments (100s of matches vs zeroes), dating sites, all prove it to me again and again that there’s an enormous difference in the way how caucasian women perceive me vs women of other colors, notably Asians . Among the latter I have been constantly told that I am very handsome by most of them, - a comment that I never heard from white/caucasian women - this makes the whole thing easier, at least they get interested to talk to me, this alone triggers things to move forward.

There were maybe only 2 caucasians who were sexually attracted to me in my whole life but both saw me naked before even dating (oops, not goona give up more details).

Is there no East Asian or
some other non-caucasian foreigner community at all where you live?

I feel like I give my best or atleast try to give my best at things but I never get the results I want while when someone else does the same they succeed. I also feel like when I fail at something I have failed at it forever.



From what I understand, the only true Caucasians are Armenians, Azerbaijanis, Georgians, Iranians, and Turkish people so I am not Caucasian. But regardless of that, I don't think race really has anything to do with my dating struggles. Most people of any ethnic group in my area generally identify as being Christian and tend to only want to date and marry other Christians. It also doesn't matter what general culture either. Even the hip-hoppers who are all about "bustin' caps" and "gettin' booty" will say "I worship the Lord!" and "Only God can judge me!" or other clichés.