"You need to work on yourself!"

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It’s not a straw man, though. That’s a question of what someone wants and what it takes to get what you want. I like to ask the question of whether one is living consistently with his values.

Do you really want the body of an Olympian? Do you have the ability to do what it takes to get that body? Do you have the willingness to do that? If you are on a hamster wheel of self improvement and getting no results to have an Olympian body, you may be lacking in one or more of those areas. If you just can’t get off the hamster wheel, is it REALLY a goal worth working towards? If not, then the goal is unreasonable. It doesn’t make sense to pour blood swear and tears into the unattainable.

Use that as the litmus test. Is it a supermodel type you want? Do you have the willingness and ability to do what it takes to date that kind of woman? An intellectual woman? Willingness/ability? “Good Christian” woman? Willingness/ability? Biker chick? Willingness/ability? Aspiring stay-at-home mom? Willingness/ability? Trophy wife/desperate housewife? Willingness/ability?

If you are lacking in one of those areas, you are more naturally inclined to different values. You respect the supermodel as a woman. But you lack her values. You have nothing of value to offer. She’s a high caliber woman in one sense. But in another sense she’s not worth enough for you to pour so much of your life ans effort into attaining. Heck, I’d enjoy having the money of a CEO of a multi-billion dollar corporation. Working to actually BECOME one is not worth the responsibility IF I were to actually make it. The actual value of people and things are different to different people.

If you say you value a woman and proceed to whine about how hard it is to attain such a woman and how you can’t attract that kind of woman, and that life isn’t fair and all the alphas should just step aside and give you the chance you’ve been waiting on for so long; and that if a woman has a bf everyone else should just stay out of the way so she won’t jump to the guy in the wings and so she’ll meet you and you can sweep her off her feet; then yes, that IS lazy. Ability or no ability, you are entitled and unwilling. And if you are capable and unwilling, you are not living consistently with your values. You don’t ACTUALLY value that woman, and you’re doomed to misery for as long as you pretend to be honest with herself.

There are two solutions to this problem, both on the same principle: either work hard enough to try to deserve her; OR pursue a woman you actually do value enough to pursue. It doesn’t take lowering your standards. It just means evaluating the person you want and deciding what she’s worth to you.

I used to say I’d never, EVER marry a woman with a family history of diabetes. I watched my father fall apart as the disease slowly chipped away at him. I just could not justify dating someone only to watch her fall apart the way my father did.

That all changed when I met my wife. She’s worth it in sickness AND in health. She’s worth all my worst fears. And she comes from two generations of diabetics. I’m not afraid in the least. So whoever the girl is, is she worth the change?

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We would have to find ways to structure things to make the social aspect easier and less draining.

You completely misunderstood what I said.

I meant: it is Strawman nonsense to claim the reason a man cannot get a girlfriend is because he does not work out enough; and evidenced by the fact that most men who are married or in relationships do not work out that hard either.

Having a supermodel body, at least in and of itself, is not what attracts me to a woman. And since I'm an Atheist, it is the Good Christian Girls who not nothing to do with me; and they make up the majority of women in my area.

Women in general, and the intellectual types I prefer in particular, are extremely difficult for me to ever meet. Everyone I ever do meet anymore is always married or in a relationship. So even if I did work out until I looked like Charles Atlas, there simply are no single women left.

Do you mean you would be unable to socialise in an autistic-friendly subculture? I don't mean socialise well; I

mean at all.

I find this too only with men. Do you also find that before you even know a couple has broken up they are already

both involved in new relationships? I find this baffling.

I think that depression is a huge wall to get over for a lot of lonely people. you're struck down by blow after blow in life and then you develop this horrible mental illness that makes you feel useless and it makes everything seem impossible.

We live in a society that glorifies all of the wrong things and makes people feel useless and our society isolates people.

No wonder there are lonely people out there who feel like they can't improve their situation.

Its not a case of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps or not having enough "christian" work ethic (btw my wealthiest family members are atheists. My priveledged position in life comes from the hard work of the past couple of generations of atheists that came before me. It was luck of birth).

Although my social life has come from supportive Christians. That's how I've managing to keep on meeting new people and how I've managed to move around and always have support in a new town, how I've ended up finding a happy niche in life with people I love. Money isn't important in their world. Being a good person is, and yes that really does bring benefits, but when you are depressed...

It's a case of depression eating away at your soul and telling you that you can't improve and that you're useless. And if you live in England, there are waiting lists to see specialists. If you live in the USA there is the worry about how to pay for help.

What I've seen here are lonely people at rock bottom who need professional help. Not because they are weak, but because their brain has turned against them.

I've been at rock bottom. It's a place of dark fog with no future in sight and it's very difficult to climb out of. I went to my doctor and I'm taking anti depressants and doing a lot better.

Thank you, I found this very educational.

I've also been having issues finding an intellectual type that I can have good conversation with and who doesn't find me intimidating. I'm not scary, I'm just a bit posh and wordy, not deliberately it's just my natural way of being.

I find those men who are on my wavelength don't want a partner. They tend to be loners who want to be on their own and tending towards being asexual.

And the men who will talk to me tend to be married or in ltrs.

What's my point? If you're a bit quirky and intellectual it's hard to find a match no matter how buff you are.

Btw if you are a man suffering from depression do follow Matt Haig on Twitter.
@matthaig1

There is an actual core-reason for all of this - and the psychological-depression is a symptom of the problem - not the cause of it.

Which suggests you may need to consider the possibility of finding someone who is a great match and moving to where they live. My guess is that this is most practical for someone earning a low wage or disability income. If you are lucky enough to find a high paying special interest job, it may be quite hard to find something similar elsewhere.

There aren't may folks who get paid to play with Legos as a full time job.

Except that if you're earning a low wage you cannot afford to move somewhere else. Relocating is not cheap.

As it is, I'd have moved away long ago if I could afford to. I wish I could just up and move to Canada or Europe. But that's just pratical for me.

Also, I'm not at all good at judging how attracted I am to someone until I meet her in person. I don't understand how other people do. I've heard stories about people who move across the country for someone they met online, only for their prospective partner to immediately lose interest as soon as they meet in person. So now they went through all the trouble and expenses of moving far away only to get dumped on their face once they arrive.

While you may not be able to afford it, your prospective partner may be able to pay for your travel and moving expenses.

Even if the relationship doesn't work out, you may benefit in long run by getting away from a toxic environment with no suitable partners to a more stimulating environment with more like minded people. I doubt that KraftieKortie would have as much dating success if he lived in a rural area with few people to meet.

I've never met anyone online who wanted to meet or date over a long distance, so the point is pretty moot anyway.