"You need to work on yourself!"

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The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Oct 2018, 9:01 am

314pe wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
In life, this phrase is commonly said by men and women tho to men struggling at dating. I am not sure if it's commonly said to women by women in all-girls outings tho but personally I have never witnessed/heard the typical "you need to work on yourself" advice said from woman to woman honestly (at least never in my presence) or even from man to woman , maybe they use different expressions like 'you need to play hard to get' and some other stuff when the recipient is female?? .

Also at least from my personal experience, there is less for women to improve on. Education and career, for example, mean much less to men when choosing a romantic partner.


Yeah, the advice often implies getting independence + getting a better job/education ; also to become better smooth talker with women. At least this what I feel they mean.



kraftiekortie
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22 Oct 2018, 9:18 am

You know what, Marknis: we all have to "work on ourselves."

God knows I have to "work on myself."



IstominFan
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22 Oct 2018, 9:29 am

I came to certain things very late and am still working on myself. I'm glad I had the chance to try. Some things may not be possible (at least not right now), but I'm working on it. Don't give up, Marknis!



magz
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22 Oct 2018, 11:46 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
You know what, Marknis: we all have to "work on ourselves."

God knows I have to "work on myself."

Kraftie, you pinned it!

And 14 years into the same, I think successful, relationship, I'm still working really hard on myself to keep it all healthy. Actually, I've spent the last two years mostly working on myself to regain sanity after a serious breakdown. It's not about attractiveness, it's about getting your life and sanity together so you are able to form healthy relationships with others.
Applies to males and females, single or not.


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Marknis
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22 Oct 2018, 12:45 pm

314pe wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Something I get told a lot is that I need to exercise more but when I see guys who are fat with girlfriends, it confuses me. Why aren't they slimming down and building muscle?

Perhaps they are not aspies. Personally I think that it's much easier to lose weight than acquire NT social skills. But it's up to you to decide what you should improve. Anyone can improve something about themselves.


I exercised like crazy but my body wouldn't respond to my efforts. I still have man boobs, a chubby belly unless I suck it in, butt fat, a double chin, bony shoulders, and skinny forearms. Some think I am a "weakling" or gay because I have a weak handshake no thanks to my small hands in comparison to most guys.



CockneyRebel
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22 Oct 2018, 2:11 pm

I also know that I have work to do on myself. It's a part of the human condition.


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Marknis
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22 Oct 2018, 6:50 pm

There's a poster on another forum who I feel like is a future me. He's still single and struggling in life at 58. He believes he's going to continue wondering why women aren't attracted to him until he's being dumped into his grave as he puts it.



fluffysaurus
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23 Oct 2018, 2:27 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
This is commonly said to males only.

I would agree as far as this forum goes. In life generally though, no. 99% of criticism, helpful critiquing :roll:, digs,

and general slagging off of women comes from other women.


In life, this phrase is commonly said by men and women tho to men struggling at dating. I am not sure if it's commonly said to women by women in all-girls outings tho but personally I have never witnessed/heard the typical "you need to work on yourself" advice said from woman to woman honestly (at least never in my presence) or even from man to woman , maybe they use different expressions like 'you need to play hard to get' and some other stuff when the recipient is female?? .

Women's digs are less direct, eg 'you have lovely eyes...if you lost a little weight men would be able to see them'

or 'Well, if you don't mind what people will think, that's ok then'. They undermine.

I just realised you might have meant specific 'work on yourself' in order to date. The advice to women is constant,

but it's never really implied that you can't get a man, more that you are too fussy.



fluffysaurus
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23 Oct 2018, 2:29 am

Marknis wrote:
There's a poster on another forum who I feel like is a future me. He's still single and struggling in life at 58. He believes he's going to continue wondering why women aren't attracted to him until he's being dumped into his grave as he puts it.

He ISN'T you.



fluffysaurus
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23 Oct 2018, 2:41 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
314pe wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
In life, this phrase is commonly said by men and women tho to men struggling at dating. I am not sure if it's commonly said to women by women in all-girls outings tho but personally I have never witnessed/heard the typical "you need to work on yourself" advice said from woman to woman honestly (at least never in my presence) or even from man to woman , maybe they use different expressions like 'you need to play hard to get' and some other stuff when the recipient is female?? .

Also at least from my personal experience, there is less for women to improve on. Education and career, for example, mean much less to men when choosing a romantic partner.


Yeah, the advice often implies getting independence + getting a better job/education ; also to become better smooth talker with women. At least this what I feel they mean.

Less for women to improve on? err, this must be why there are so few products aimed at helping women to

improve their appearance, sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm.

Yea, nobody imply's a better job will help with dating when you're female. Not sarcastic.



The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Oct 2018, 2:42 am

fluffysaurus wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
This is commonly said to males only.

I would agree as far as this forum goes. In life generally though, no. 99% of criticism, helpful critiquing :roll:, digs,

and general slagging off of women comes from other women.


In life, this phrase is commonly said by men and women tho to men struggling at dating. I am not sure if it's commonly said to women by women in all-girls outings tho but personally I have never witnessed/heard the typical "you need to work on yourself" advice said from woman to woman honestly (at least never in my presence) or even from man to woman , maybe they use different expressions like 'you need to play hard to get' and some other stuff when the recipient is female?? .

Women's digs are less direct, eg 'you have lovely eyes...if you lost a little weight men would be able to see them'

or 'Well, if you don't mind what people will think, that's ok then'. They undermine.

I just realised you might have meant specific 'work on yourself' in order to date. The advice to women is constant,

but it's never really implied that you can't get a man, more that you are too fussy.


That deserves its own thread I think.



314pe
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23 Oct 2018, 4:46 am

fluffysaurus wrote:
Less for women to improve on? err, this must be why there are so few products aimed at helping women to improve their appearance, sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm.

The only times I've heard complaints about poor style of a romantic partner, they were coming from women. If you are a guy, then you should definetly be careful about your appearance.



magz
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23 Oct 2018, 4:51 am

314pe wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
Less for women to improve on? err, this must be why there are so few products aimed at helping women to improve their appearance, sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm.

The only times I've heard complaints about poor style of a romantic partner, they were coming from women. If you are a guy, then you should definetly be careful about your appearance.

Then imagine women are even less inhibited in commenting other women appearances. It's not focused on dating, it's rather about general social acceptance - you should lose weight, make your hair, wear fashionable etc. just to be a valid member of the society.
Screw this!


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fluffysaurus
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23 Oct 2018, 2:46 pm

^That!



The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Oct 2018, 11:50 pm

magz wrote:
314pe wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
Less for women to improve on? err, this must be why there are so few products aimed at helping women to improve their appearance, sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm.

The only times I've heard complaints about poor style of a romantic partner, they were coming from women. If you are a guy, then you should definetly be careful about your appearance.

Then imagine women are even less inhibited in commenting other women appearances. It's not focused on dating, it's rather about general social acceptance - you should lose weight, make your hair, wear fashionable etc. just to be a valid member of the society.
Screw this!


When I didn’t have a car; a female friend *always* kept telling me in almost every outing “you should get a car”.

Even though she doesn’t drive nor has a car herself; she still doesn’t.

My gf made comments to improve my postures in order to impress future girls better.

Had comments on my beard too (better to grow it), and my short height , always came from women.

So umm... in my experience, all the things you mentioned, women also say them to their male friends, not necessarly on the same stuff but the intention is the same.

The only difference is males typically have fewer female friends than females, so we encounter fewer of that.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 23 Oct 2018, 11:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.