Why do I want a girlfriend so much?

Post Reply New Topic

You just have to not rely on what happened in the past, Marknis.

It's ancient history.

Hasn't a girl PMed you recently?

kraftie is right, I heard that if you stopped looking for a relationship, a relationship will find you, cuz people try too hard to find a relationship. I did very stupid things in the past to get a man interested in me. I was working at a workshop for disabled people, I wasn’t interested in getting a guy, but a guy was interested in me, I could not believe it! In the lunch room also the creative room, I was sitting on the paino bench, this guy across the room waved at me, I was wondering who was he waving, I looked left & right to see if he was waving at someone else, he wasn’t. Later he walked up to me, I walked away from him. He became my boyfriend 2 weeks later.

Stuff like that just doesn't happen in my reality. Women generally don't make the first move in the culture I live in unless the man is super attractive. My older brother had girls approach him, even if he was in a relationship. I remember him blowing off a girl at a restaurant who was attracted to him and she totally ignored me despite being single while he was not. I actually cried at the table and that was one of the few times my family comforted me.

A significant other, or the confidence in one's ability to attract a significant other, are essential psychological needs that most people develop during adolescence. Inability to attract a significant other over a long period of time leads to the desire compounding (think: forbidden fruit is always the sweetest), frustration from the person in question, and sometimes feelings of inferiority and low self-esteem. When you desire a partner and can't get one, it calls into question whether you're "good enough" to get one, and makes you feel like the precedent is set, and there's no reason for your romantic situation to change unless other things in your life change. Having other couples' romance thrown in your face only serves as a reminder that your own love life feels hopeless.

In my opinion, the fundamental flaw with your approach, Marknis, is that you don't seem to give much consideration to what women want, or if you do, you don't seem willing or able to do much about it. Case in point, women tend to want a man who is in control of his own life, and that means independence from your parents. For the most part, the only women your age who might accept a dependent are women who themselves are dependents, and I don't imagine many women in your age group fall under that category. Women who moved out of home when they were 18 are going to see you as at a different, less independent stage of life than them, and are going to find that to be a turn-off. I know I've said this before but in my opinion, your dependence on your parents is your biggest barrier to the world of romantic love. If I were you, I'd focus on becoming independent (whatever that entails) before even considering the prospect of finding a girlfriend. As hard as you might believe becoming independent might be, I'd dare say getting a girlfriend while dependent at 30 and not being attractive enough that women just randomly come up to you, would be a more difficult task for you to undertake than actually becoming independent.

This.
Anything else - looks, health, intelligence, income, attitude - can be significant but less important than the simple question if a man is capable of living on his own and make his own decisions.
At least when we consider a long-term relationship.

See Marknis? I even have a woman in her 30s backing me up here

The more signs that a man displays of his own Autonomy, the more likely he is to be seen as attractive to a woman. This is why the Caspar Milquetoast type is usually ignored in favor of the rough, rude, and rowdy redneck type -- the former enjoys being the perpetual victim, while the latter shows that he's nobody's fool.

Some of the signs of autonomy are: Living away from one's parents, Owning or renting a home, Working a full-time job, Owning a car or truck, Being assertive, and Having a devil-may-care attitude.

what if you own a car, work and make all your own decisions, but happen to share a roof with your parents out of necessity?

It doesn't seem to be an all-or-nothing situation, Kippers. I know an engineer who basically took over ownership of his disabled parents' home so that they could live with him as his dependents. He also turned the house into a duplex (there's a connecting door) so that his girlfriends could visit him overnight without disturbing his mom or dad. He seems to be popular with women, despite "living with" his parents.

"Why do I want a girlfriend so much?" - It is probably programmed in your inner genes. In one sense having a girlfriend shows that you have achieved the ranks of being considered normal (that you are not somehow defective).

Aspies have been in society a long, long time. We are an integral part of society. There was a groundbreaking sitcom on television when I was growing up a half century ago that focused on this aspect. It was aptly named “The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis”.

So if you are really interested in answering this question, I might recommend finding a DVD of this program. It shows the great lengths that Aspies go through to find a mate.

Out on Long Island (Nassau and Suffolk County), there are many men, even in their 30's, who still live with their parents or parent. Many have their own cars, and have jobs. They are living with their parents because of "economic necessity."

I bet you that most of these men have girlfriends.

Exactly.

Mark, the reason you are depressed because you don't have a girlfriend is because you think having a girlfriend will solve your problems. It doesn't.

Plus, it doesn't matter why, what matters is that that is the situation you find yourself in. You have had a lot of good suggestions from people on the forum, but you aren't acting on many of them. I thought it was great you changed your avatar so something less pathetic, it looked like you were making some progress with therapy, you had at least one day you felt better. Can we hear more about this?

My siblings lived in the same homes I did when they had girlfriends.

Which day was that? Do you have the date for it?

Here you have a point. I heard it is especially common among Italians.
My parents lived with my mother's mother until I was 10, thought apart from sharing an apartament, they were completely independent.

Yet, in Mark's case, I still think gaining independence from his family would help lots and lots. Like, in being more able to distance himself from their world views could help him appreciate himself more.

I don't keep that close track of your posts. Do you know what date you changed your avatar? It was right around there.

Actually I thought of another trick I use that I don't think I have posted before. I thought of it because I am using it today. I have been feeling rotten with the flu. So the trick is: what can I do today that will make tomorrow
better? My example, I am too sick to actually do any real work, but if I throw in a load of laundry it will not be on the floor tomorrow when I get up. That takes only a few minutes. Or if I load the dishwasher, at least I will have clean dishes to start the day tomorrow. With time, these things build on each other and long term contribute to a better life. So, today I have changed the air conditioning filter (5 minutes), threw in a load of laundry, (10 minutes), took out a load of recyclables (5 minutes.) It's not much, but I will feel much better tomorrow when I don't have to face these things on Saturday morning and feel overwhelmed by all the stuff I have to do.