Struggles of being in a relationship

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As someone on the spectrum I find it extremely hard to find someone that I like, trust and have a connection with. Usually for new people in my life there are high high walls they need to pass and only view people are able to. But when it does happen and I can actually let someone in it feels great, really scary but great. Once they pass those barricades and they can now finally touch you without you feeling uncomfortable, you can lay on the couch with him without using your dogs as a shield, when it comes to these things it is great and I've only been able to let guys into my life like that twice.

Both times it didn't last longer than 4 months.
It seems 3 to 4 months is the period of time I need to mess everything up.

The first days are always great, I'm happy, feeling good, able to be nice. But the longer we are together the harder I find it to stay like that, I start frustrating over little things, I'll start over thinking things, I'll start getting mad at certain things, slowly but steadily things stack up in my head and my head becomes fuller and fuller. And these don't have to be extreme things, just saying 'I'll be coming over soon' and then it taking two hours for him to show up, or him being in a very hyperactive mood and me not being able to handle so much talk and movement just little things, and sometimes bigger like saying you are coming over tonight and then you stay out at the bar till 4 o'clock and im just sitting at home waiting and becoming more and more pissed with the minute. Well you get the picture. These things add up and after a while I just become stuck in a cycle of stress, frustration, sensory overload, meltdowns etc. which pretty much makes it impossible to be nice, function normally, process incoming senses. I get stuck in these and I don't know how to get out of them without killing off the whole relationship..

This happened with my ex two years ago who broke up with me after a view weeks of unhappiness and struggles followed by a pretty extreme meltdown while we were abroad....

And then last night I broke up with my boyfriend which is hurting me so much but I couldn't see any other way out, I can't keep on living with such high levels of stress every day, such regular meltdowns and basically in a permanent state of sensory overload. But he wanted to work it out with me... No one ever does after I have a meltdown, everyone always starts hating me.. And this guy still wanted to try.. It hurts me so much that I just couldn't see a way of it working, no way of me getting out of this cycle while keeping him in my life, it felt like choosing between staying with him or keeping my mental health.

I just wish I could have seen another option.

Is there anyone else who has experience with this? Anyone who has advice on how to deal with these situations? Just anything you could offer at all would be greatly appreciated..

I haven't been in a situation like that, but it does sound like something that could happen to me, too. The only advice I can think of is that when you find someone again, talk with him about these things before you get to the breaking point. Do your best to tell him what bothers you and why so that you can work on those problems together.

You could try talking with the guy you just broke up with, too. Even if you don't want to get together with him anymore it might do some good to you if the reason was clear to the both of you.

Some sound like apples and oranges; 'I'll be coming over soon' and then it taking two hours for him to show up (well, he was very vague about just what constitutes "soon") is merely annoying; saying you are coming over tonight and then you stay out at the bar till 4 o'clock is flat-out disrespectful, possibly rising to the level of contemptuous. In the former, I'd have a frank discussion about showing me enough respect to be more clear about timelines; if you're delayed, telephone; it's common courtesy. In the latter case, nobody would get the opportunity to do that to me twice; I deserve a Hell of a lot better than that!
Not knowing you, in general it sounds like you're experiencing a progressive spiral of anxiety, and finding ways to manage the anxiety might help all the other stuff become more tolerable. One thing is simply accepting a certain level of anxiety without reacting to it; "feelings aren't facts". The other is openly discussing it with your lover; such things often loose much of their power when they loose their secrecy.

If you really like him and he's willing to try to work with you on this, please consider trying again. Please don't give up and let the anxiety win.

I think you have good relational instincts. Something bothers you, even if this guy wants to work it out, something deep down tells you to end it. I don’t even have to know your situation to tell you did the right thing.

So much you just have to get through experience. You’ll get it figured out.

I dislike the idea of jumping from one serious relationship to another. I think the best thing you can do is take some off from serious relationships for a while and focus more on casual relationships or friendships with guys. Meet up and focus on no-expectation dates. If you’re seeing any one guy or another more and more regularly, consider moving ahead in the relationship. Once it becomes serious, focus on the “friends” aspect and how you have an identity apart from each other. If you wouldn’t have drama and stress with a casual friend, you certainly shouldn’t have that in a serious relationship.

Every one of us is a cause of tension in a relationship. If there is a problem, first examine what part of that you cause and deal with that. If you are doing that and his behaviors are stressing you, communicate that as gently and succinctly as you can to help him fix himself. If he doesn’t change, it’s because he doesn’t want to. He wants you, but making the change is just not who he is. I don’t judge people for that. But it does mean you aren’t good for each other. End it.

Always remember what it’s like to be friends. Don’t make any demands you wouldn’t expect from a friend. Everything else that goes with a serious LTR is great, but it’s extra, intimate, fun stuff. Protect the friendly foundation and everything else will take care of itself.

I did talk to him about things a couple of times, I tried to explain my autism to him better and to make him understand how my brain works, I even send him articles that I felt may be useful for him to read to better understand. But it was very difficult for him to get it.
Like when I was supposed to go to a new years party with him but circumstances around the party had changed for me as I found out I had to work on monday and partying in an other city from sunday till monday while having to work on monday does not sound like a good idea to me. Then he had also screwed up over christmas which I had not yet recovered from and my brain was in sensory overload mode for a couple of days already so to me at that moment that party was an absolute no go.
Now he had promised after screwing up and not being there for me over christmas that he would be there for me on new years weather i'd go to the party or not, and he said that we were only gonna stay at the party till 4 o' clock so I could catch some sleep before work. Now this promise didn't work for me because his friend was the designated driver so when we would go home would be completely dependent on when his friend wanted to go. But I considered my options already knowing the answer would be i'm staying home.
So when Sunday came around and he asked what I was gonna do I laughed and said 'nothing' and he just looked so disappointed. So again I explained going to a party is fun when I can handle it, in this state that I was in going to a party is just asking for trouble.
He didn't want to get it, in his mind it was all my fault for not trying to change my attitude towards going to this party and i was only telling myself all day that I couldn't go so of course when it came down to it I would think that I actually couldn't.
Also he couldn't keep his promise because not going to the party and staying with me would make him unhappy cause he couldn't just be happy sitting at home for new years eve. I got it so I told him I was disappointed he couldn't keep his promise but I also didn't want to force him to stay home with me if that was gonna make him unhappy.. So he compromised a tiny bit and stayed till 11.30, then left.

Anyway my point after this very long example (sorry!) is that after this, even after christmas, we already had some make it or break it conversations where I told him, I don't want to lose you but the way things are I can't keep going either.
And he did say he wanted to work on things and try, and he did show some effort for a bit of being more clear about when he would be coming over and not making me wait so long.
But it wasn't enough, I just couldn't get rid of all the feelings and overload and stress, I couldn't handle all the little things anymore.
So even though we did talk, and he was willing to work on it I was (and still am) so stuck in this spiral of overthinking, stressing, anxiety, frustration, overload, meltdowns etc. that I just can't see a way of getting out of this whilst he is still in my life because every sense coming in, no matter how little is already too much, I don't think there is anything that he would be able to do that would change that.

And that's the thing, how do I get out of that bad spiral without cutting off completely the biggest source of stress? Even though you don't want to get rid of that source because you like it and have strong feelings for it, how can you feel less stressed and start feeling better when that source is still a big part of your life and you still have to deal with it everyday, and your brain is still thinking about it everyday.

So he knows that this is why I broke up with him, and that I didn't want to lose him, I just can't see any other way of getting better mentally.

I see... I suppose it was stupid of me to assume you hadn't tried talking to him.

I don't know what to do in a situation like that, but to be positive: maybe you learned something from this relationship. I don't know what it could be, but maybe you'll come up with something if you think about it and at least don't have to think it was all just a waste of time. I hope you'll find a way to deal with things like this eventually.

I am NT so take with grain of salt. But I see two things from what you described. First, I think it is inconsiderate of him to say he'd be there and then not be until very late. That is immature man behavior at its finest and I would hope he could learn to be more considerate of the things he says and your feelings. But second, I have observed that sometimes aspies tend to think very black and white when it comes to judging people. If a person doesn't meet a standard that the aspie built up in their head, even by some small infraction, then the aspie seems to sometimes have a all or nothing attitude, which I seem to see from you when you say you can't see a way out other than to break up. No relationship will be all roses and hearts all the time every day every moment every time. There will be disagreements and things that disappoint you. My aspie friend used to treat people like this a lot. He had expectations that were unrealistic...in some cases it was about what the other person's role was to him and if they didn't meet that expectation, which was often unusually high, then he would write the person off. I saw this when he expected his other superiors in the workplace to always have the answers, and if they didn't or didn't have the time or desire to give him those answers, then the world all of a sudden didn't meet his expectations and the person was all of a sudden evil. I was often the person he came to for complaining about such things so I saw this often. Ironically, the other person would also come to me to complain about him because he knew we were close. It didn't come down to my aspie friend being wrong. It came down to expecting too much when he wanted it and melting down when he didn't get it. In some cases, he was right about what he was bothered by, BUT he took it to extreme and decided the person was the problem rather than his unrealistic expectations of the person.

So maybe there is something to think about. I don't know if the relationship would be a healthy one in the long run if this guy keeps being inconsiderate. I would say that if this was an occasional thing then it 's not a big deal but if it is all the time every time, then this guy needs a hard lesson in respect and consideration. BUT at only a few months in, it is not really an evolved relationship at this point anyway so those kinds of things do grow with time. And on the other side, maybe the issues you have with being aspie are something that you can also work on ...not easy, I know, but with the right person willing to be patient and understanding, it might work out. Keep in mind one thing though...being patient and understanding does not mean always doing it your way or bending to you. My aspie friend does not understand that. It's his way or the highway and he's always right in his mind. You can't be like that either. But someone you're with should also understand that you get overloaded and give you space and time when needed.

Huh... Interesting opinion...