Why am I never approached? EVER!

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quite an extreme
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06 Jan 2019, 10:08 am

3subjectnotebook wrote:
Can neurotypicals somehow sense from afar that I am not like them, like they sense that I am "strange" or "other" so they just stay away.
like is it written on my face

Yesterday I watched an aspie girl in a disco. I know her because she serves as a waitress in a bar. I talked to her once before - she is totally bright and wants to study. I think she doesn't know that she is on the spectrum but I didn't talked to her about this stuff. Once I see her again I have to tell her. Her body language isn't the way of other girls. She isn't affected or stilted at all. And even if she likes a guy and feels attracted she doesn't becomes flirty the way that other girls do.
In opposite to all other girls she wasn't approached on the dance floor and seemed totally distressed because of that. She was unable to cause the guys that she liked approaching her. The reason was that she lacked all the nonverbal signals of NT women in her body language. NT girls show in a nonverbal way that they want affection and want to be approached. They expect that men recognize the nonverbal signals which are expressing their emotions and approach them in a way that matches their feelings. It's a mirror neuron and empathy thing.
May be this helps some of you to understand the problem.


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06 Jan 2019, 12:23 pm

quite an extreme wrote:
3subjectnotebook wrote:
Can neurotypicals somehow sense from afar that I am not like them, like they sense that I am "strange" or "other" so they just stay away.
like is it written on my face

Yesterday I watched an aspie girl in a disco. I know her because she serves as a waitress in a bar. I talked to her once before - she is totally bright and wants to study. I think she doesn't know that she is on the spectrum but I didn't talked to her about this stuff. Once I see her again I have to tell her. Her body language isn't the way of other girls. She isn't affected or stilted at all. And even if she likes a guy and feels attracted she doesn't becomes flirty the way that other girls do.
In opposite to all other girls she wasn't approached on the dance floor and seemed totally distressed because of that. She was unable to cause the guys that she liked approaching her. The reason was that she lacked all the nonverbal signals of NT women in her body language. NT girls show in a nonverbal way that they want affection and want to be approached. They expect that men recognize the nonverbal signals which are expressing their emotions and approach them in a way that matches their feelings. It's a mirror neuron and empathy thing.
May be this helps some of you to understand the problem.



OMG! someone who believes us. Yes it's hard to signal that you are interested in being approached. I'm not sure what NT women actually do.

I don't know that I would tell her you think she's an aspie. That might not go down too well. I think a way to do it might be to start talking about books you're reading and throw in one about women with autism, an autobiography or something.

I've had bad experiences suggesting people might be on the spectrum. It was seen as intrusive and they didn't take it well.



quite an extreme
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06 Jan 2019, 3:51 pm

hurtloam wrote:
OMG! someone who believes us.

I couldn't really imagine this before too. :wink:

hurtloam wrote:
Yes it's hard to signal that you are interested in being approached. I'm not sure what NT women actually do.

They behave in a way that pretends they want some affection or just want sex. Don't know all because I'm lacking several emotions and the related empathy. But I can tell that a strong feeling of attraction towards them is noticed by most women and they becomming flirty then. I was unable to generate such a emotion nearly my whole life and I'm mostly unable to generate it now. This feeling of wanting to be near to her is a different thing to just finding a girl being pretty and sexual attractive. I can't tell much about the empathy of NT guys. But I can tell some little things that I remember that women did for showing that they liked me and wanted my attention.
Stroking the hair behind the ear once they found me looking in their direction, swinging hips in a noticable seducing way, doing short eye contact with an offensive smile, hitting me with the shoulder or one or even both breasts while passing me, leaning suddenly with the back or shoulder on me once being near to me, grabbing or touching the hand a short time without a cause to do so i.e. if handling out some money, if shaking hands holding the hand just a second longer and looking into my eyes for watching my reaction, starting smalltalk aso. I think the girls in this forum know much more of such little tricks of showing a guy that they like him and wanting his attention. If women do this then most in a way that they hope that other people don't recognize it because they don't want to be jugded by others of approaching a guy.
The most extreme was: Once that I was dancing with my wife a girl crushed on me when I was smiling in her direction while entering the room. She kept near to me on the dancefloor afterwards and pretended being havily drunken and bounced against me again and again 'accidentally'. But I knew that she was sober.

hurtloam wrote:
I don't know that I would tell her you think she's an aspie. That might not go down too well.

I wouldn't be that direct and don't mention Aspergers or autism before talking about body language and the way that the girl seems different to me compared to others.

hurtloam wrote:
I've had bad experiences suggesting people might be on the spectrum. It was seen as intrusive and they didn't take it well.

That's clear. Being autistic is nothing that somebody nearly normal wants to be called because people have wrong imaginations about that. :mrgreen:

I guess most aspie girls who don't feel empathy as an emotion are unable to cause NT guys strong feelings beside pure sexual attraction and most of them are emotionally hurt a lot in their lifes.


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Last edited by quite an extreme on 06 Jan 2019, 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

enz
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quite an extreme
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06 Jan 2019, 5:01 pm

enz wrote:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY9TVpgqf_I

Quite right. But I think this isn't the point. NTs talk s**t and flirt with the bodies mean while because they recognize each others emotion of feeling attracted to each other and have fun with doing so. Also they recognize the feeling of each other in case of body contact. If you lack empathy or are unable to recognize or generate the emotions than it's not easy for you. A girl which seems totally cold towards him is also a turn off for a guy.


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enz
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06 Jan 2019, 5:22 pm

really? the average guy can do this?



hurtloam
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06 Jan 2019, 5:46 pm

I'm reposting this for those who won't click on a link.

I enjoyed this, but he stops before he tells you how to be approachable.

I totally agree with that, "if you wait to be asked of will only be the cocky ones and the players", that's why I invite the shy guys to hang out with me and her to know me and me them. I am actually quite pro-active.

But it never seems to work out and they find that right moment to make a move with someone else, not me.



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06 Jan 2019, 5:54 pm

quite an extreme wrote:
enz wrote:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY9TVpgqf_I

Quite right. But I think this isn't the point. NTs talk s**t and flirt with the bodies mean while because they recognize each others emotion of feeling attracted to each other and have fun with doing so. Also they recognize the feeling of each other in case of body contact. If you lack empathy or are unable to recognize or generate the emotions than it's not easy for you. A girl which seems totally cold towards him is also a turn off for a guy.


I don't really understand what you mean.

We don't all lack empathy. That's a stereotype.

Yes, don't be cold. I get that, but what's it got to do with empathy?

I think sometimes it takes a long time to meet the right person with whom you feel comfortable. With whom you can flirt easily.

I don't think I've changed my approach, I think we just click. (I'm talking about the guy I mentioned earlier in the thread).

Thing is. This seems right to me, but to him we could just be really good friends.



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07 Jan 2019, 3:25 am

hurtloam wrote:
Yes, don't be cold. I get that, but what's it got to do with empathy?

Once you feel how the other feels towards you it's up to you causing him/her positive feelings towards you to become stronger and to take away his shyness because he feels you are knowing and liking his feelings.
There are two different kinds of empathy, cognitive and emotional (also deep or affective) empathy. Cognitive empathy is to see how others are. Emotional empathy is to feel like they do. Many aspies lack one kind of empathy, some feel to much empathy. Once you lack emotional empathy the things are not easy for you.
A simplifying example:
Once somebody laughts then you know he has fun -> cognitive empathy
Once somebody laughts it causes you to laugh too -> emotional empathy.
Same for leaning on feelings, attraction, pain, anxiety, sexual excitement aso.
But all people are a bit different once it comes to this and also NTs aren't all the same. Most men are less empathical then women.


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07 Jan 2019, 3:56 am

XFilesGeek wrote:
Maybe try approaching guys.....?


I would suggest this. You can’t expect people to come to you.

No one appoaches me, either, so I do the approaching.

Being left out and ignored is also an aspie thing, it happens to all of us.



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07 Jan 2019, 11:12 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Being left out and ignored is also an aspie thing, it happens to all of us.

Seems like we are emotional different once it comes to love. Homo sapiens neandertalensis and homo sapiens sapiens had mixed once. May be we are Neandertaler like. They lived quite different in small groups of hunters and had bigger brains and needed to act more cooperative. Big groups couldn't survive if living from hunting only in northern area. In small cooperative groups ape style hierarchies made no sense. NTs are in a way emotionally different that makes sense in hierarchies only. NT women approach me but don't get me emotionally. And I don't get them. The body language of the aspie girl towards NT guys in the opposite seemed clear to me but the NTs didn't get it. In the end she had self doubts. It's like the behaviour of different species. Do we share a Neandertaler chromosome? Just thoughts.


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07 Jan 2019, 11:32 am

quite an extreme wrote:
It's like the behaviour of different species. Do we share a Neandertaler chromosome? Just thoughts.

As far as I know black people (including those that are not mixed with whites)can be autistic too. They do not have Neandertaler ancestors.



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07 Jan 2019, 11:47 am

The "Neanderthal/Autistic" theory has been floating around for a while.

Yes...it's possible that some autistic people have "Neanderthal" heritage.

No, I don't believe most Neanderthals were autistic.



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07 Jan 2019, 12:00 pm

NorthWind wrote:
quite an extreme wrote:
It's like the behaviour of different species. Do we share a Neandertaler chromosome? Just thoughts.

As far as I know black people (including those that are not mixed with whites)can be autistic too. They do not have Neandertaler ancestors.

Autism isn't just one thing. Overly emotional people for instance aren't the same as me and totally NT like if it comes to this. I don't have other traits but lacking some emotions and the related empathy. I'm an abstract thinker. Are there any black autist without Neandertaler ancestors this way? We totally miss some statistics for sorting the people and the specific problems.


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07 Jan 2019, 12:20 pm

I've known black people with Asperger's-like features.

I've known black people with classic autism-like features.



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07 Jan 2019, 1:36 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I've known black people with Asperger's-like features.

Than it's not a Neandertaler remnant and may be an older thing.