Rules of Marriage

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I came across this article this morning and thought it was worth a read:

The first rule of marriage, of course, is that there are no rules – every couple figures out what works for them.

Number one: in most cases, couples that divorce had pretty much the same problems as couples that stay together. It’s just that the latter group decided to stick around and try to work things out. After all, any problems you don’t resolve in your first marriage you’re likely to recreate in the next, and the next, and the one after that.

Second guidepost: if it’s important to you, it’s Important to me.

If your spouse likes fly fishing, or skydiving, or Beethoven, it doesn’t mean you have to put on waders or a parachute or the Ode to Joy.

It does mean that if your spouse wants to talk about what he or she is passionate about, listen passionately, not passively. Don’t judge, don’t criticize, don’t be a downer, and above all, don’t point out that it’s a waste of time and money.

If it doesn’t violate your values or put your life at risk, then maybe learning to fly fish or appreciate the Appassionata isn’t the worst idea.

Parachuting? You’re on your own.

Third, get help before you realize you need it. Tiger Woods has a swing coach, and all he does is hit golf balls. Marriage is infinitely harder than winning the Masters (just ask him), and yet most people think they can just figure it out on their own.

If you aren’t seeking to improve your relationship skills, you’re probably just diminishing them. There are plenty of great books, therapists, weekend seminars and other tools for tightening your game. Marriage vows, like babies, do not come with an instruction manual.

Fourth, the first three to five minutes when you walk in the door belongs to your spouse – not to your kids, not to technology, not to the fridge and certainly not to your parents. It’s the two of you against the world. Having that face-to-face check-in time is invaluable, especially when children arrive with their unique ability to turn their parents from lovers into roommates.

Fifth, don’t argue – just discuss. Never, ever call your partner names. And if there’s physical violence, get out immediately and take the kids with you. Remember also that when you’re arguing, you are simply standing up for your unconscious, unwritten rules about how people should behave, while your partner is doing the same for his or her rules. So remember you’re not really arguing with your partner – you're just debating rules.

Next time, before you start defending one of your rules to the death, stop and ask just how important it is to you. Here’s why arguing doesn’t work – if you win, you lose. If you tie, you lose. And if you lose, you absolutely lose.

Source: My daughter wants to get married – here’s the advice she never asked for

Once I had some Buddhist friends, of a sect that particularly revered the Lotus Sutra. Every evening they would recite exerpts of the sutra together, then formally bow in gassho (both hands together; "not two; one") to one another and thank one another for their practice.
What would our relationships be like if every evening we stood before one another, intentionally brought to mind all of the many kindnesses, large and small, which they bring to us, smile, thank them, and bow in humble appreciation and thankfulness?

You should share the marriage advice in your book; I think it's better.

Heh the only thing my parents ever told me about marriage was to find someone with lots of money to support me ... They don't even like my current boyfriend because he doesn't fit their ideal of what a boyfriend should be.

When my daughter asks if I like her boyfriend, I say: "If I say I do, won't that mean you'll get rid of him?"

The only way my parents will like my boyfriend is if they hand select him for me. Anyone I pick is either inferior, not good enough, doesn't make enough money, or my personal favorite "isn't in church/isn't a christian".

I agree with most of the advice, except for the following:

For people with sensory and/or executive functioning issues, the very first things may have to be:

1) Put milk or other perishable foods in the fridge. If this isn't done immediately, it may be forgotten about.

2) Get physically comfortable, e.g. by taking off one's jacket (or, for some people including me, by changing one's clothes entirely). Very urgent if one is sensitive to heat, or whatever.

I agree with making it a priority to spend a few minutes with each other immediately AFTER those two things are done.